I’ve been leaning on friends and family these past few days. My STBEW (apologies if the acronym is incorrect) has expressed that while she would like us to move on, I can stay in our (lol our) home for as long as I need.

The reality is, that I can’t. These past few days since her telling me her decision has been torture and while I believe that she is sad, she ultimately made the choice to split us. I didn’t. I wanted to work on us. In her words, we just aren’t giving each other what we need and that isn’t fair to either of us and we deserve to be happy.

It also bothers me that I haven’t seen her crying. I know this hurts and I know she’s crying but I want to see it. I don’t want her to get in the car and cry. I don’t want her to cry in the bedroom that we once shared. I want to see it. I don’t know if that’s weird but I want to see her mourn us. I feel that it’s important.

Idk man. This new place…the plans that we had for it. The fact that she said she felt like moving here would be a fresh start but after 2 or 3 fights, she feels that it’s not…despite me saying that she’s not even really giving this place to be a new start. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused…mostly though, it’s just an immense sadness. The most I have felt since my grandmother passed 2 years ago.

Also…I know this is truly the end because even if after a few months she asks me to come back, I won’t. We’ve been separates before and when I returned. I told her that if she does it again, that’ll be it - no more coming back. And here we are…again. It sucks but for my end, I have to preserve my dignity and stay true to my word

Fuck this fucking blows.