Looking for some hope

AdrianInLimbo · 2023-05-26T16:26:39+00:00

The financial part it what it is, just gotta work thru that depending on your situation.

If your marriage was toxic, cheating etc, being out of it canbchsngr your outlook 100%. Early on you feel like you won't get over it, but you will, and with time and working on yourself, you will likely be even better on your own.

Retying3043 · 2023-05-26T16:39:27+00:00

Emotionally, things get better as time passes. Stay away from addictions (alcohol, substances, women) and go to therapy and/or divorce groups.

Financially, it is what it is. Strip your monthly expenses down to the studs. Adapt to the new situation. Not much you can do but work on acceptance, learn to make the most with what you have, practice gratitude for the things right in front of you. At any given moment realize you have all that you need.

Reflog1791 · 2023-05-26T17:15:16+00:00

Hey there, my life indeed got much better. It was a combo of good fortune and studying how to improve my life. Letting go of old narratives and expectations was key.

There are two issues to tackle: emotional health and financial terms of divorce. Do not seek refuge from your stbx on either front! She can’t help you with either one. The more you try and reason with her, the worse position you put yourself in.

Let go of the idea of fairness. Life isn’t fair. Better men than me have been put through the ringer much worse than I.

Today, I took the morning off work and I’m spending it with my daughter who has the day off school. Then I will drop her off with her mom. I won’t say anything at drop off and I won’t give her a dirty look. I will simply drop her off then play golf with my buddies. My girlfriend will come over tonight and I’ll get a beej.

Life is great for me now and I’ll enjoy it. I’m not holding on to some hope that life will always be great. I’m enjoying the present, smelling the flowers, letting go of the past, and optimizing my life under new constraints.

As for financial terms, I kept my retirement, no alimony, full CS from the worksheet. Now that I control finances, I have much more money than I did when I was married. I don’t take ritzy vacations, buy clothes all the time, or drive a fancy car. I do play golf all the time. It makes me happy.

PatThePiper · 2023-05-26T17:26:19+00:00

Brother, it does get better. In just 5 months, I've gone from begging on my knees, acting like a pathetic beta male. I got kicked out of the house, my kids were taken away, and lived with my mom. I wept for weeks. I mean balled like a baby. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I found out she was being sexual with some other guy during that time. It was like a knife being shoved into my soul. I then became obsessed with finding out if she was still involved with this guy. We shared a phone account so I could see who she texted. I checked this all day every day. Insane I know, but I was looking for some hope that it would end and she would come back. I finally woke up one day and thought to myself, "This isn't working for me. It's over." I stopped looking at the phone data. I stopped caring about what she was doing. I finally started to realize that her happiness and ability to move on has nothing to do with my own happiness and ability to move on. I made a conscious decision to stop caring about her and her new life. It took a few weeks, but I finally started to feel liberated from my own misery. I started to understand that it was my own mind that was making me miserable, not her and her choices. Think of this process as breaking an addiction and renewing your mind. It's going to be hard, and it sucks at first, but if you are diligent and determined, you can overcome and move on. That's my story. I hope it helps.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-05-26T16:23:13+00:00

No help here

1.5 years separated 9 months since she quit trying to get back together

No papers filed yet

No income

I have some new friends since the split.

Otherwise.

Life. Is. Shitty.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-05-26T18:28:12+00:00

One thing you will find is that life is MUCH cheaper without a wife. As a result you can live comfortably with a lost less. Having the peace, quiet and stress free house is worth it’s weight in gold. You’ll be happily surprised how many things make you happy now that you’re free.

Early_Huckleberry_56 · 2023-05-26T19:44:36+00:00

When I was 41 years old, with two young sons, my wife of 12 years blindsided me. At first it was just "I need to be alone". But it didn't take much probing to get the truth, she was moving in with a coworker in 2 weeks time. To my credit, I didn't spend a lot of time doing the "pick me" because, well to put it bluntly, I was no happier in this marriage than she was.

But it was a sudden change and I had to deal with it. Fortunately, we worked out a 50/50 child custody agreement and the courts let us set up a joint account for the children's expenses, so that is about as good as it gets. Also, I had quite a bit of cash (think mid 6 figures) that I had been saving and even though her lawyer was adamant that it was half hers, she let me keep it. I think there was some guilt going on, as there should have been.

Now the recovery part. I like being married, I wanted to find a new wife. The first 6 months were pretty rough, I'm not gonna lie. I am by nature not a super social person and I actually had little experience dating even though this was my second marriage. But I put myself out there - every meeting, club, group, anywhere I could get out and meet people I was all in even though it was very uncomfortable for me.

I got my first "date" about six months out. We met several times but she was only going to be in the county a few more months, and we were not particularly compatible.

I dated my banker and other women I met online or IRL. I was skinny and always hated that so I finally got a clue and hit the gym and learned to eat and put on about 40 pounds. I have to say that in doing so I went from invisible to women to getting interest here and there. It was the best thing I ever did.

I developed a serious romance with a great woman but she lived 200 miles away. She had kids there and I had kids here and after a few months I realized there was simply no long term potential and broke it off. But, this relationship boosted my confidence a lot, this was a quality woman and she was definitely into me.

About a year and a half after my wife split I met someone online. To make a long story short she has been my wife for 25 years and you could multiply my ex by 3 and she wouldn't be equal to my current wife.

I guess this is kind of rambling but I think that the point I would leave with is that when I found myself suddenly single it was a shock, but what I did about it was put all of the time and energy I could into finding a new wife. And where you put your time and energy is where you get results.

Maybe you don't want another wife. That is cool too. Whatever it IS that you want, you just have to go out and get it.

You can do it. It's not the end, its just the start of a new chapter.

Blackbarnabyjones · 2023-05-26T21:50:30+00:00

When you finally leave, and while you're still mourning the loss.

You will FEEL the WINDS OF PEACE AND QUIET flow through the room.

Things are bad, but you are free of the one who was making it bad.

That will give you hope.

And that BREEZE, if you stay the course, will BECOME MORE AWESOME and last LONGER every day.

Until it is EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

At first, it might be just one second - but AFTER you feel it - ITS ON.

ONCE It's BEGUN, the "moment of peace" you have will double every day.

Today's 1 second, but tomorrow? its 2 seconds. AND THAT'S GOOD!! WHY?

Cause in 30 days the Breeze will be 15 mins a day,

BUT

In 60 days, the Breeze will be 7.5 hours a day.

In 90 days, the Breeze will be ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

Set your watch. Hang in there.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2023-05-26T16:59:17+00:00

Took me about 3 months but now im pretty close to good and definitely better mentally and physically than when I was married.

my back inflammation problems seem to have existed primarily from stress during the marriage and divorce (and smoking that was also stress induced) for the first time in almost a year I'm not in near constant physical pain
I lost some weight from the stress but it actually made me a bit healthier
I felt just kinda sick most of the time toward the end. After I found out about the cheating I had a mental health issues for about 3 months. Don't feel sick anymore and most of the mental health stuff has worked out.
feels like I'm very close to getting my settlement completed
I figured out how to save my house and consolidate my debt into a longer period so it's manageable (home equity loan is a life saver)
I had to do most of the reaching out, but my friends offered a lot of support once I did. Sometimes people worry that you just want to be left alone or that it's not their place to help, be sure to reach out.
now that I've got a 50/50 with my kid, it feels like I actually have time for hobbies and working out.
my wife isn't constantly beating me up because she found something to be unhappy about and she sitting me tell about how she is still harboring resentment for problems that were fixed years ago

animalx3 · 2023-05-27T02:16:55+00:00

Get a beer, cigar, scotch, and ponder how you got here and decide what was your ownership and toss rest away. There’s grass. May not be greener. But it’s what you make of it. ;)

sak144 · 2023-05-26T20:34:14+00:00

Mine was only finalized two months ago, but life mostly is way better. Dead bedroom for years. Constant nagging and stupid mindgames. I was resentful and beaten down.

Granted, I definitely played my own role in an 18-year marriage coming to an end, but was being hollowed out as a man and having the life sucked out of me.

Today: In my own house which I decorate or renovate however I want. I buy and make whatever food I want without snarky comments about how I shop. Have not had a drop of alcohol in nearly 8 months and hit the gym and workout at least three times a week. Am nearly 50, but have pecs and can almost see my abs. Am in the best shape I've been since my early 20's. Feel like a million bucks.

Get hit on at least 2-3 times a week by much hotter women. Oddly, even though I have a big support payment each month, actually am better off financially and have more disposable income than before. Which I don't need to ask permission from anyone to save, spend, invest or do whatever with.

It is not 100% sunshine though - your house can be very lonely sometimes when by yourself. I keep TVs and radios on just to break up the silence. Definitely miss having a constant partner in bed at night.

But does it get better? If you practice self-care and stop wallowing in the past, yeah! it gets way better.

She was not one in a million. She was one of a million.

Due-Ad4708 · 2023-05-29T17:15:40+00:00

I'm in the same place. My wife has just asked me for a divorce. I'm 40yo, we were together 23 years 2 kids 14 and 19. I'm devastated. I don't want a relationship to anyone anymore. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than have to go through this situation again.

Title	Looking for some hope
Author	Solid-Worry-9098
Upvotes	13
Comments	16
Date	May 26, 2023 4:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13sh4k6/looking_for_some_hope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/looking-for-some-hope.1220411 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220411

Comments