Would you consider this acceptable behavior from your boyfriend?

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-08-13T21:50:00+00:00

Every woman has her own range of what is normal and acceptable; for me, the red pill is not an excuse to direct anger at a woman over petty things. He may be masking frustration -- I know that's why my dad snaps at my mum -- but in my parents' marriage, when that happens, they come back together almost immediately (like, once the situation allows) and talk about it. This is different from when he would burst into anger at the slightest provocation and feel entirely justified in doing so, which was before he had dealt with his untreated PTSD. Now, my mother feels secure and understands that Dad is cranky while he's trying to do work around the house. Then, we were all walking on eggshells, hoping it didn't explode into a major fight.

You say you feel secure emotionally, yet you're here, asking us whether he's abusive. In my experience, emotional safety and security don't go with having to ask that. So what I'd like to know is how does he make you feel safe and secure?

CountTheBees · 2023-08-14T02:14:04+00:00

Are you noticing that when you cry, he tries to make it your fault or refuses to accept blame (eg, "don't be so sensitive, I was just being logical...")? Or is he accepting blame and accepting that he has done something wrong?

If he is able to respond positively to you crying and is able to accept blame, then don't try to hide your tears. They will work far better at getting him to change than "disrespecting" him ever will.

Jenneapolis · 2023-08-13T22:58:10+00:00

The only thing that matters is if you feel comfortable with it and if you feel like you can manage it long-term. Will all alphas display this quality? No. Will more alphas than betas? Absolutely.

I’ve talked a lot here about my experience with the “extreme alphas” and the trade-offs I have personally had to make to accommodate my attraction desires. While I don’t think all alpha types are for sure going to have a short fuse, it’s not uncommon that they do and I have also experienced the high sex drive bring correlated to high temper. I personally had to come to an internal understanding that to get the type of man I wanted, the short fuse was probably going to come with it to some degree. So I accept that and have learned over the years (with different men) how to manage through loving a man with a hot temper.

The one thing that’s true is he is unlikely to change especially if he is still this way at his age. Many younger men cool off with age but if he hasn’t by now, he’s not going to. So can you accept it and manage through it and do you want to?

Lots of the techniques we learn here help in tense situations like STFU, expressing vulnerability, and whatever you think (which I hate but may work for some). Try some various tactics and see what works on him. I have found if I’m joking and playful back with my partner when he’s snappy, it lightens the mood vs me crying and getting bent out of shape. I’m not always able to accomplish that but when I do it works well.

So if you decide to make this work, you are going to have to be very strategic about it in order to be successful and build a thick skin. It’s definitely not the easy path but it sounds like the easier beta paths did not work for you - so, is it worth this extra effort to you is the real question.

vintagegirlgame · 2023-08-14T08:51:43+00:00

So Laura Doyle’s magic word in these scenarios is “Ouch.” It’s a tough one to learn because usually we are stunned and in freeze mode. I would forget all the time and only after the moment has passed would I realize, “oh that was an ouch moment” (it does need to be used right away). But it gets better with practice, work on remembering to use Ouch when he is hot tempered and lashes out at you. It sounds like he doesn’t realize he is hurting you in the moment, and is sincere about wanting you to feel safe once he does.

The other stuff that causes him to lose his temper… that’s “on his paper” not yours. You don’t have any control over his mood, and it’s not your job to manage his mood as his girlfriend. If he’s in a bad mood, he can handle it. Maybe give him some space, go off and focus on your own self care. He’ll be just fine.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-08-13T23:31:07+00:00

Why do so many women confuse a strong man with a cruel man? Your man is cruel, not “alpha”.

Yelling at you for not understanding him immediately when English is your second language is not a symptom of an alphamale, it’s a symptom of an asshole.

Calling you names and belittling you is not a symptom of high testosterone, it’s a symptom of a superiority complex, lack of impulse control, and lack of empathy.

Your man is mean to you. He’s not an alpha, he’s not redpilled, he’s just using these terms as an excuse to be a dick without repercussion.

Godlydiabla · 2023-08-13T22:11:42+00:00

Insulting you, calling you names, losing control verbally around you for something as simple/small as deciding how high you wanted your curtain rods to be is in my opinion very worrying. A human that loses control over small/tiny things is more likely to explode when you inevitably do something he deems as a “big” mistake.

If we are talking RPW stuff, a woman not being decisive over things like decorations or other “women” stuff should be normal and expected by the men that RPW seek. We are supposed to accept that we care about the silly and unwanted stuff that men are supposed to not give a rats ass about.

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that doesn’t know not to use harsh words over small things like that. You described how it makes you feel and if you were my friend or sister or relative I wouldn’t want that for you. Also, what is wrong with being protective or an alpha male without resorting to insults or name calling. If I’m not mistaken that’s a line that even old school trad RPW wives would call misogynistic.

I would never advise any woman, submissive or not to live and tolerate any human that name calls them or insults them or uses abusive language in public or in private. It’s just not worth it. And who knows what he will escalate to.

I love reading the dilemmas about gifts or about ways to negotiate more financial care. Those are the things RPW style women should worry about. Hell if your biggest issue was how high you want your curtains to be, that would be beautiful.

Anything but a name calling, insult toting s/o dilemma.

Vegetable-Wind6708 · 2023-08-15T13:42:58+00:00

I married a short tempered man. Nothing is fast enough for him. And I think you're right, my husband thinks extremely quickly, too. His expectations for himself are high and strives for perfection and efficiency. He owned a restaurant and was comfortable in that high pressure atmosphere. I give myself lots of grace and time and it frustrates him. A lot of my problem is that I'm not 100% in touch with what I want or what I'm feeling so I come off as apathetic, sometimes. However, I have high expectations as well, so there's that.

Our first year of marriage was a huge learning curve. Woof. It was rough. I'd lash out in retaliation, which usually escalated into full blown fights. After I learned and implemented Laura Doyle's six intimacy skills things improved rapidly. I actually believe he's been giving me more slack because I'm a "safe" landing space for him. I boost him up in genuine ways, and in response he's more compelled to hold his short tempered tongue. When I get a bit of his temper or sharpness, I try to say "ouch" (this is the hardest to remember), I'll say nothing and busy myself somewhere else, or I'll touch his arm and ask him "are you feeling ok?" or "babe, we're on the same team. I want this to be right, but I'm not as fast as it as you are."

The skills work. I've seen them transform myself and my marriage into something I'm proud of. My husband knows he's short tempered and I'm seeing him work on himself, too. One evening I was giving him genuine gratitudes and I had an epiphany: criticisms from him come from a place of love, he's wanting me to do better and he's usually right. He said that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him. He does care, he just doesn't know how to express it in a kind way. I used to tell him "there's a nice way of saying that and there's how you said it." Lol

flower_power_g1rl · 2023-08-13T22:05:44+00:00

Oh honey!! It seems you found yourself the more sensitive one in the relationship. This is usually the case of us women. Between two people there will always be one more sensitive, and this time, as opposed to your previous relationships, it is you. It's hard, right? But it's only hard if you let it.

While it's always worthwhile to look into your traumas, and it seems you've done the work, inferring that your sensitivity is a flaw caused by trauma implies that his 'lack' of sensitivity is the proper way to live, and is because he lacks trauma. This is a dangerous assumption because it belittles your need for being spoken to within YOUR definition of a respectful manner - you cry alone because you are trying to diminish this need instead of self-validating it. You have also mentioned your external appearance, and you are here asking the opinions of strangers. Do you often find yourself unable to validate your own inner thoughts, and want others to help with the validation?

But listen, sister, deep inside of you there is s voice that only you can hear. She is exactly the voice you have been trying to silence. She is the one who screams while you weep soundlessly. She is your backbone. You have to find your backbone again. Your man is very connected to his own backbone, which is why he is aware of his character flaws and how he drove away other women. You can take a personal example from him - the "I know who I am and I know what I want" attitude. You can repeat this exact mantra in your mirror. Once you get more comfortable showing this attitude around him (and he will admire you for it, believe me!), you can then calmly tell him that you ARE: a person who wants to be spoken to with the utmost affection and respect, and you WANT: to be with a person who understands & fulfills this desire for you.

If you show him that you find respectful speech to be negotiable, he will not really be motivated to work on his bad habit. But the fact is that you want him to change, you need him to change, and he is fully capable to.

He has been trying to speak to you more respectfully after he knew that it hurt you. Yes, he messed up in front of his friend, but he apologized. Imo he's not abusive, but the more you silence your pain the more you will enable his bad verbal habits and you will find yourself verbally abused.

Believe in yourself so that no matter what words others say about you, only you know who you are. You have to fall in love with yourself. You have fallen in love with another, but it's dangerous to doubt yourself just because the person you love happens to be trigger-happy with hurtful words. Between two people, there will always be one person who is more careful with their words, it just happens to be you. He needs to meet your level. He has been trying slowly and there are successes, as you can see.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him. However I don't like that he is impatient driving and at the tv. You can set a personal example by becoming a more patient version of yourself and telling him little anecdotes of how patience in day to day situations gave you a happier day. If you're lucky, he might admire your patience and try to emulate. When he's in a rush, stroking his arm slowly and speaking slowly/lovingly might calm him down his nervous system.

MrNifty · 2023-08-14T00:24:02+00:00

He sounds pretty cranky and irritable, above and beyond being just being disagreeable. Have you two talked about why that may be? I would suggest taking an open-minded but functional approach to the problem.

Why is he so cranky all the time? What is the pattern? What's causing that?

Because it's not the normal state of being to be that easily upset, that impatient. He's thin-skinned in his own way.

Here are some things to look into that may be causing it:

Unresolved injury or chronic pain. If you're in pain all of the time, it's going to make you cranky, at least a bit. Has he been injured before, even a long time ago? Did he ever go to PT for it?
Food sensitivity can cause inflammation and in some cases effectively inflame the brain. Watch if there seems to be a connection to certain foods and him being more cranky. Check out the book Plant Paradox by Dr. Gundry for some good diet advice on reducing your inflammation and typical trigger foods for people.
Poor sleep hygiene and/or sleep apnea. Does he snore? If so his sleep is being negatively impacted in a serious way because of how that interrupts the breath and brain signaling during sleep. There are at-home sleep apnea tests that you can order through a doctor.

-thats-tuff- · 2023-08-14T02:42:05+00:00

Sounds like he absolutely fucking sucks. Being a “dominant” man doesn’t mean you get to disrespect women or anyone else.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-13T20:48:03+00:00

Title: Would you consider this acceptable behavior from your boyfriend?

Full text: I would very much like to ask for a reality check from red-pilled women in regard to the relationship with my boyfriend of 11 months.

I discovered the Redpill about 2 years ago, read and listened to a lot of Redpill content including Laura Doyle, Rian Stone, Rollo Tomassi. It has been a huge eye opener to me looking back at my relationships in the past past.

In my past (I am 53), I always picked guys who were very beta but good guys. The main problem was that they didn’t have any frame and I basically took control of the relationship from the beginning. Naturally, this lead to me losing respect and sexual desire and at some point always ended the relationship/marriage. No one ever broke up with me, I always initiated the break up.

I had a very alpha dad who my mom hated after they got divorced when I was six. This was very traumatic for me as I was closer to my dad and didn’t do well living with my mom. I missed my dad a lot and could only see him once or twice a year for two weeks vacation as he moved further away for a job. He wanted custody over me but lost in court. In addition, my mom had very narcissistic tendencies. In conclusion I was rebellious towards her and grew up with the belief that no one is there for me and that I would have to fend for myself. So I became very driven and independent and also very much defended my heart from the fear of abandonment. Part of this defence strategy was to pick beta guys that wouldn’t hurt me and relationships I was in control of. This led to me being married and divorced three times.

This is a huge red flag for man who are conservative and more alpha. Luckily, I do look 10 years younger as I have been taking good care of myself. I am physically fit and my looks are in the top 10% of my age cohort. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years and have overcome a lot of personality flaws. I am empathic, kind, patient and Instead of trying to take control, I notice that I am now very much surrendering to my boyfriend naturally as he is a more dominant personality than me.

I feel so well taken care of by him, loved and cherished. He is financially stable and came out of a divorce after 25 years of marriage 3 years ago. The divorce was initiated by his ex after she got a promotion and made more than him. Even though he was the provider for 25 years while they raised 3 boys. I have two adult sons. He is pretty red-pilled too.

Everything is pretty much perfect including sex. except for this one area I need some feedback with.

With his alpha personality that I like very much he is also pretty hot tempered. He is very impatient when I don’t get something right away. English is not my first language (I am from Austria but live in the US) and he talks very fast and sometimes mumbles a bit. So my brain sometimes needs a few seconds to process what he said. He is also very hot tempered if he perceives a little threat from the outside or feels disrespected by someone. I think he has a very high testosterone level for his age (55) probably as he also has an extremely high sex drive.

When he says something in a very harsh tone to me it really hurts me and I can’t hold back tears. I try to hide that often and when he notices he is apologizing most of the times for being an asshole. He said most modern women despise him and he’s happy he found someone who can stand him. I try to grow a thicker skin but its not easy. I think it hurts so much because when I am in this undefended submissive state I feel very vulnerable. I think it is because my childhood trauma comes up that I held down in the past by not making myself vulnerable by being in control.

I am not sure my judgement is right to tell if this is good for me or if I am tolerating unacceptable behavior. If any of my non red-pilled girlfriends would be present in these situations they would tell me to leave him if he disrespects me like that. I have to say he never got physically abusive, just verbal.

He recently did that in front if his best friend when both of them helped me to put up curtains in my new apartment and I couldn’t decide fast enough on how high I wanted the rods. I wasn’t disrespectful to him in return in front of his friend but had to stay very long in the bathroom to fight my tears. I told him afterwards that if he disrespected me again in front of other people I will disrespect him in return on the spot.

He also gets pretty impatient driving and bitches at the TV a lot about politics. I believe his impatience is because he is a very fast thinker and has problems if things don’t go at the speed he wants to. He probably has an angry verbal outburst every couple of days but he also lets go fast and doesn’t hold grudges. He can flip on a dime but also flips back fast. And his frame is solid.

Interestingly, he is extremely similar to how my dad was.

I feel very protected by him and he gives me a level of emotional security otherwise that only my dad has in the past. I know he loves and adores me. And outside of his short verbal anger outbursts he is taking great care of me and is a great captain. Pays if we eat out bought me expensive earrings for Christmas and shows me he is serious about me in how he generally behaves as well. He braggs about me to his colleagues a lot:

Our relationship is progressing nicely and for the first time I have trust that I can let go of my control. I know he will propose at some point.

Sorry this was long but I wanted to give some context into my own personality, childhood trauma history and past relationships to get more informed advice on this situation. I am very inexperienced with more dominant men and its hard for me to judge if something is unacceptable/abusive behavior or not. I might be overly sensitive because I am exposing my soft underbelly which brings up the related childhood trauma for healing.

I am continuing to work on myself and growing a thicker skin and I also notice he is making some effort to be more patient with me after I explained to him that I sometimes need more processing time when he says something.

Am I putting up with red flag/abusive behavior or is this in the range of what would be normal and acceptable from w redpill women standpoint?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	Would you consider this acceptable behavior from your boyfriend?
Author	LongjumpingAd6169
Upvotes	5
Comments	31
Date	August 13, 2023 8:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/15q9t06/would_you_consider_this_acceptable_behavior_from/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/would-you-consider-this-acceptable-behavior-from.1228129 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228129

Comments