I posted this a while back. I wrote it originally as it applies to affairs, but it also applies to wives who up and walk. They don’t necessarily have to have an affair to have the fantasy I refer to below.

We all struggle with “How did this happen? Personally I had spent a lot of time figuring out my own situation. Lots of counseling, reading, watching clips, etc. I firmly believe what’s written below was the reason my ex pursued an affair. Not saying that’s every case and I am not an expert. This just all “fits” and makes sense for me. It’s not just the affair. This is how my ex lived (and continues to live) her life in “What If?” mode.

Here we go. So, we all reflect on our lives and we all think “What If?” from time to time. “What if” things were different? I think it’s normal to have occasional reflection. What I am writing about is an unhealthy obsession. This is about taking up unhealthy headspace by allowing “what if’s” to encroach on living life in reality. This applies to education, careers, wealth, raising children and yes……marriage and affairs.

Let me explain. This starts way, way before the affair. The WS spouse starts questioning “What if” I married the wrong person. That evolves quickly into “what if” my spouse had these traits, these looks, this career, etc, etc. Methodically, they begin to construct an image of their perfect mate. Now, keep in mind, all the great things about their spouse is taken for granted and not included. It’s not necessary because its not needed. This image becomes a fantasy of sorts.

This is where the slope becomes slippery.

This is where the “pre” affair starts. The WS starts falling in love with this ideal or fantasy. It’s well before an AP comes into the picture. So when the needs of the WS are not being met, rather than approaching their partner, they add to the construct of the fantasy. In fairness, a lot of times their partner is unwilling to talk or evolve or fill the needs. This also does not necessarily mean a real affair will happen. Some spouses become so obsessed and convinced this fantasy partner exists they divorce to start their quest.

The affair starts when someone arbitrarily pops into the picture that fits a few of these ideals that comprise the fantasy construct. The WS is so vulnerable to their own fantasized convictions that the smallest indications become compelling evidence that this is the right person. In other words, the AP is more a proxy for the fantasy than a fit for the desired characteristics. Add to this, referencing what I wrote earlier, there’s no regard for the very positive traits and needs fulfilled by the BS. This is why many BS are completely baffled by who was chosen as the AP.

So I wrote about how affairs start. Now let’s skip to how they truly end.

My contention is that affairs only truly end when the WS recognizes that everything is driven by the fantasy and the obsession with this fantasy is not real and not healthy. Simply recognizing AP was not who they thought won’t stop the fantasy. This drives the “once a cheater, always a cheater” conviction. So while AP is out of the picture, the fantasy remains until someone else new steps in as “proxy”. Many BS trying to reconcile hyper-focus on the AP, unaware that WS is still obsessing over the fantasy.

I want to be careful not to oversimplify. There are factors such as guilt, consequences, morality, image, religious beliefs, etc that prevent, curtail or end affairs. The common denominator in all of this is the idea of the fantasy driven by the “what if” mindset.

None of this is new or contemporary. Why affairs and these fantasies seem more prevalent is the availability of social media and ease of connection combined with the Hollywood narrative driving the unrealistic definition of what a partner and relationship should be. There are more “What if’s” to fantasize about and more access to proxies to play the part.

In wrapping this all up, want to touch again on the toxicity of consuming head space with the “what if’s”. We all want happiness. It’s those that realize that happiness is a state of being that comes to fruition through happenings. Things don’t happen in fantasies, they happen in reality. Those who find happiness do so by finding fulfillment in their reality not in an imaginary place with an imaginary person.