[20 M] Is it delusional to deliberately chase after an "ideal" partner, or do I have a good mindset?

RidingRedHare · 2023-10-17T04:25:26+00:00

"Ideal" does not exist. Even if you somehow would find such a person, chances are they would not want to date you. Or they have some other relevant flaws and/or incompatibilities you previously did not think about.

Try to find somebody reasonably close to "ideal".

Furthermore, it is likely that your preferences will chance significantly once you have been in a longer relationship. Relationship experience also might make you a better partner, which will help when you meet someone who is close to "ideal".

MidoriEgg · 2023-10-17T07:00:51+00:00

In the nicest way possible, if you don’t have any experience you aren’t going to know exactly what you want. You might have an idea about looks and lifestyle, but I think to see what personality melds with you best, it’s can be worth playing the field a little bit. You could end up being blind to red flags because a woman hits your check box. I understand you said you’re sexually conservative, but are you able to go on dates with women? Even ones who maybe don’t fit all your boxes as ideal?

Maybe examine if your ‘ideal’ is realistic or if it’s an idea you’re using to have an excuse not to do something you find daunting.

Spyro7x3 · 2023-10-17T03:52:47+00:00

In my experience people have smashed my ideals. I still have preferences like red or dirty blonde hair green or blue eyes very thin etc.. but I used to be more idealistic thinking they had to be into this or that have a very feminine voice not make more money than me.

I'm still only attracted to light eyes but I've been floored by chicks with a deep voice and interests and politics completely different than my own as well as other things.

I guess what I'm saying is keep only the core preferences you know you're never gonna budge on and throw the rest away.

You can crush on just about anyone whos giving you the right attention and thats where your preferences and principles come in.

Novadina · 2023-10-17T05:39:54+00:00

I would imagine the perfect person you’ve made up in your mind doesn’t even exist, and if they do, they are probably in some far off location and you will never meet them.

Do you have a best friend? Were they found by imagining an “ideal friend” waiting for them to come along? Or is it just someone who was your neighbor or classmate and you hit it off, then developed a bond with over time?

A relationship is like a more intimate friendship. You probably don’t even know what would be an ideal match for you if you’ve never even tried one at all. Would you know what you like in a friend if you never even had a single one?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-10-17T04:34:03+00:00

Waiting until you find the perfect person you imagined in your head is a bad move. Perfect people don't exist, they will always have flaws, baggage, shit they're going through. And even if you did find that perfect person, maybe you wouldn't be the perfect person for them. A better idea would be to figure out what the most important aspects you want from a partner are, and go for people who match those. If you keep waiting for the ideal person to show up, you might miss out on someone who was close to that.

I haven't been particularly constrained in my approach to dating, and while that did lead to one or two unpleasant relationships, it helped me learn more about myself and what I'm okay with and not okay with in a partner.

obviousredflag · 2023-10-17T10:15:01+00:00

Do you have a "just see what happens"-lifestyle? Because if you sit at home, no amount of waiting will lead to anything.

But is it as simple as just talking to girls, gaining general experience, and hoping I'll come across somebody that meets my criteria for the "ideal", instead of just being too passive, and not making an attempt at all?

Yes, it's that simple. Just go after the first woman you fall for or develop a crush for. You have no idea what you want or who you are in a relationship. Everything you think you know is based on not even understanding yourself at this age. Just look back at when you or other teenagers were 16 or 18. They knew everything. And look at this now, they knew nothing. You know nothing, and you will for a few more years. And if you keep being single and no romantic experiences, you will stay clueless for a LOT longer, to the point where your inexperience will be a way greater road block than your introversion. About 50% of the population are introverted to some degree. I am introverted. That doesn't keep me from going out solo and talking to people, making friends and making out with women.

Ainsleygz · 2023-10-17T17:09:16+00:00

Don’t bother asking and just start doing

ROBYoutube · 2023-10-17T03:15:55+00:00

It's weird how context changes things huh? Hot tip for young players, if you're going to ask for help from a group of people, it helps if you do so from an identity that isn't attached to content that treats them as less than other humans.

Anyway I think 20 year old people are fucking idiots. That's not an insult to you specifically, it's an insult to anyone who ever was and ever will be 20. You probably do not know what you want, and what you want will constantly change as you constantly grow and change.

Try and keep an open mind, talk to lots of women and listen to what they have to say. Consider not supporting things that a lot of women are going to fucking hate you for before you even open your mouth. Good luck.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-10-17T03:53:13+00:00

No, you aren't wrong for chasing your ideal partner, but do you have all the qualifications that will attract the female archetype you've constructed? If you answer yes to this question. Double up those qualifications. In a city of 1000 eligible men. If a very picky woman is only compatible with 1% of them. That means that you still have to compete against 9 other guys.

I'm going to also suggest that you get out more, and purposefully step outside of your echo chamber ( I think everyone should) Conservatism is dying, and there's a salient reason for the decline that isn't about morals and values. You may change your opinion on your personal politics, they may stay the same. At least you'll get the opportunity to understand the genuine synthesis of an opposing viewpoint.

Many_Dragonfly4154 · 2023-10-17T07:50:26+00:00

Don't compromise. If you compromise you devalue yourself and other men.

-drumroll- · 2023-10-17T09:55:22+00:00

Lower your standards and date around a bit to see what you like and build up your social skills. Then once you're more confident and you know what you want, start looking for something serious.

leosandlattes · 2023-10-17T03:52:28+00:00

Honest question - how many times are you going to ask this question in various subs? I mean, at what point do you have your answer?

Remove the idea of “the one.” Think about ideals and values you want to share with a partner. Now think about what kind of partner THEY would want. Become that kind of partner.

EastSideSlasha · 2023-10-17T04:29:36+00:00

You’re 20 so you’re actually in a prime age to attract a really good genuine partner. First of all though, most women are not going to find you super appealing at this age because you probably don’t have much going for you, but this is a good thing. The type of woman you want is a smart woman with LONG TERM thinking. A lot of woman usually do one of these two things, they fool around with short term dudes while young and waste their time and lower their value and then wait until their older to finally start looking for someone, but at that point they’ve lost value. Or what they do is while young they gold dig for well already established men, but this isn’t built on anything, the man probably has 0 trust and loyalty to her because she just moved in as he is successful, it isn’t stable. Now you want to attract the smart long term thinking woman who will see value in you even though there’s nothing tangible at the moment. The way to attract this type of woman is to show promise by thinking long term and being ambitious. A good woman will help you on this path and you’ll have loyalty and trust to her, and in turn you’ll be a stable high value partner to her even as you both grow old together

call_me_daddy98 · 2023-10-17T11:54:35+00:00

Worst thing to do bro is ask Reddit for advice.

Majority of people on here are celibate and chronically online. Best thing to do is get some practice in, even if you gotta stoop to a practice pig bro nobody gotta know about it.

get some experience up and get a few notches under your belt and it’ll help you with women way more than you’d think. There’s no such thing as the “one”

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DesertShifter · 2023-10-17T05:55:24+00:00

First off, there is no perfect person out there for you, perfection just doesn't exist in the wild so if you look for it you will never find it. That being said, don't forego any and all standards either. Find out what your bare minimum is and start going on from there. For instance, mine are don't be fat, be somewhat intelligent, don't be politically extreme, be willing to try new things with me (weird food, new hobbies, spur of the moment type shit). If she can fit those 4 things we will probably get along well, and then its a matter of testing our general compatibility (does she mind that I drink and smoke, does she hate traveling, will she be ok with having to listen to me play drums weekly once i get a house, can i tolerate her weird quirks and habits i dislike). If she hits the minimum and you find out through time that you can get along well and tolerate the annoyances of the other, then there you go, if not then go find a new woman to date. Make a list of no more than 3 or 4 things she must meet for you to not want to cut her out of your life and begin dating massively. Stop waiting for the one, the one doesn't exist, go out with your minimal list of cutoffs and move on from there.

Mysterious-Book5380 · 2023-10-17T18:20:03+00:00

I have a friend like this who thinks similarly. He has very high self-esteem and won't settle. He's never been in a relationship, but he could easily if he wanted to. Who cares if it's delusional, do what's best for you.

Title	[20 M] Is it delusional to deliberately chase after an "ideal" partner, or do I have a good mindset?
Author	metalanejack
Upvotes	1
Comments	33
Date	October 17, 2023 3:00 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/179oghd/20_m_is_it_delusional_to_deliberately_chase_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/20-m-is-it-delusional-to-deliberately-chase-after.1235367 https://theredarchive.com/post/1235367

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