Backstory: My wife and I are early 40s, 3 school-age kids, suburban professionals. I hit a low point on all fronts in my life ~8 years ago. Typical story - lack of leadership, dead bedroom, aimless going through the motions in life. I found this and other resources (Rational Male blog was my favorite) and turned things around.

Current Situation: Things are firing on all cylinders, but always room for improvement. The trend has been up over the last 8 years, but there has been regressions from time to time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. In the spirit of giving back, here’s some of my practical guidance/advice on what’s worked for me. Your mileage may vary. I see a lot of friends struggling in their marriages and this is the advice I give them.

Disclaimer: I forgot a lot of the MRP jargon, so bear with me.

Advice bullet-points:

  • Say “No” more often, don’t justify
  • Be ready with decisions - she’s asking because she does not want to have to make the decision. You know these questions are coming. “What should we eat tonight?” “New kabobs restaurant, call the sitter” - not “I don’t know, what do you feel like? Or how about take-out pizza?”.
  • Buy some new clothes once in a while. Order CalvinKlein underwear (or something noticeably nicer than target/hanes and asking your wife to pick it up for you) and have it delivered to your house.
  • Handle your shit and call her out when she’s not handling hers, it’s okay to get angry once in a while. Angry - not disappointed, pouty or hurt.
  • Flirt with your wife. Watching TV w/ family, text her or whisper in her ear “I’m getting hard just looking at you”
  • Social - you need to have adult relationships outside your wife, keep text chains going with friends
  • Don’t initiate in bed at 10pm right before she wants to go to sleep
  • Talk during sex - reconnect your mouth to your brain, say whatever you’re thinking (yes, a transcript of what you said would be cringeworthy, but all that matters is feelings in the moment. Get over the worry about saying stupid shit.)
  • On sex, she knows you want pornstar sex. You’re not getting it because she does not want to fuck you. You can’t go from 0 to 100 here, move in increments: 1. No Sex, 2. Intermittent Sex, 3. Regular Sex, 4. Things you thought were off the Table. You can’t skip a step. Telling her you want [X] or trying [X] after having not fucked for a month isn’t going to happen. If you’ve fucked every day for a week and you're already 10min into action, then it’s a different story. Be honest about what step you’re at.
  • Lifting: you just have to make it routine and un-skippable (that 99% of the battle); do compound lifts and all the rest (sets/reps/pyramids/isolation) is advance shit that 99% of men will never get to the point where it matters
  • Looking decent/good: 80% of it is getting lean (20% of it is muscle mass). If you’re skinny-fat, you’ve got to cut the fat first. Getting to 15-18% body fat will take hunger pains. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
  • Don’t consult w/ your wife on work troubles - she doesn’t want to hear why it’s not your fault that a client fired you or someone else got a promotion. “How’s everything? Great, awesome quarter”
  • PSA - if your business suffers, she will start looking to replace you ASAP
  • Fix stuff around the house or call contractors to get it done. Don’t wait till you're nagged into doing it.
  • Health - get it fixed. Snoring - investigate solutions. ED/PE - read up on it or see your doctor. Don’t let things linger
  • Quit Porn. Rubbing one out w/o aids will improve your sexual functioning
  • My Opinion - play video games w/ your kids only. Likewise, limit TV
  • Be an adult - follow-through on promises, make plans and act, own your mistakes, keep your frame, don't diminish your thoughts, pursuits or opinions for sake of harmony
  • Break your routines from time to time - “Why is he up at 6am on a Sunday?”
  • Always have a personal goal you’re working toward - fitness, learning a skill, learning a language, coding, building something
  • Lastly, this is a journey not a destination. This is simple but not easy.