Why Do You Think You Don’t Deserve Someone?

vardarac · 2022-04-03T10:30:25+00:00

Because I'm a dogshit person who doesn't appreciate the people he has. Because I'm a failure of a masculine man who can never measure up to the most average of others. Because I constantly derail my own interactions by slipping into my head because I have become traumatized by such a long and unrelenting thrall of failure. Because I lean on all the qualities I think are positive but really have nothing to do with getting the one thing I want and cannot have.

avenging-crusader019 · 2022-04-03T10:48:50+00:00

Because I don't fulfill the criteria of being that conventionally good looking guy who appears good in all the pictures, as well as have a lot of social skills to catch up on, including facing conflict properly.

Eastern_Regret8811 · 2022-04-03T12:36:17+00:00

After much introspection,,, I've come to the realisation that I don't know how to close and seal the deal. I don't know how to escalate. The girls I talk to probably get bored coz I don't know how to progress things from flirting to the actual bed. This thing is eating me up coz it's a constant battle between me wanting to get her to bed and the other side of me which is worried that I might fuck things up and end up embarrassing myself big time

Quirky_Tale_9739 · 2022-04-03T15:20:44+00:00

I dislike the word "deserve" because it basically is a substitute for "entitled." Nobody is entitled to or not entitled to someone or something. All that matters is if they find what they wanted to find and if they got it or not.

Personally speaking, with all that is going on in the world right now, including the flaws and faults in humanity, I've just chosen to not pursue any sexual or romantic relationships with anyone. The majority of women that have expressed interest in me in the past were not single. I repeat, not single. Some have been married or engaged and looking for something new and others have had boyfriends which I've shaken the hand of at one point while they're flirting around with me and other guys at work.

If you're a person with strong moral values, you'll have to be lucky if you want things to turn out well, because you'll have to put up with a lot of unsavory people, otherwise.

unknown_but_deadly · 2022-04-03T16:07:20+00:00

I feel like I've always been slow to start and a late bloomer compared to my peers. I cant tell if I have too high standards or if I'm too low value of a person to get the ideal partner. Im great on working on myself physically and mentally but have yet to find someone with the same motivation and self identity. I've sabotaged possible relationships because of my insecurity and anxiety, not accepting the idea that the person accepts me for who I really am. I don't deserve someone because I'm like a dog chasing after cars. I've never caught one and I'd love the idea of getting one. I just don't know who I'd be or what I would do if I got it.

samhman · 2022-04-03T16:02:57+00:00

I’m introverted and am not the type of person to approach anyone romantically. I really don’t want to bother someone or make them feel uncomfortable.

At the same time, women aren’t approaching me.

That’s basically it.

TravelingMerchant199 · 2022-04-03T14:31:56+00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm too f*cked up for anything but people's pity.

ManWithAThousand · 2022-04-03T15:09:02+00:00

This can be a worthy exercise. I've done it.

I'm on the autism spectrum. Dating and relationships are absolutely biased against autistic people. It's incredibly discouraging to the point where I've felt like I don't "deserve" anyone.

What helps is admitting two realities. One is that people with autism still have relationships, the reality of the world is incongruent with my delusion. I must change my delusion to conform with reality.

The second thing is to admit that nobody "deserves" anyone. Being thankful and grateful for what we have is a lot more healthier than lamenting what we don't.

LeatherBoundWisdom · 2022-04-03T16:27:28+00:00

This is looking at things the wrong way in my view.

There is no such thing as deserving or not deserving of friendships and relationships. It is an open market of mutual benefit. If it is in both of your perceived self interest to interact in some way, you will. If it is not, one party rejects. To find relationships you have to advertise and solicit them.

It’s like if you’re selling a product, you wouldn’t make an argument for whether you “deserve” your customers’ money. You do your best to make a good product, maybe it comes out like shit, but you advertise it honestly and if it’s the best option for someone they will buy it and be happy with the purchase.

Unless you’re an absolute disaster of a life, there is very likely someone out there who wants to buy what you are selling, and if an informed customer is willing to buy then the transaction is righteous. It might be a fat ugly girl, but it’s someone who will be happy to have you. You can spend some time improving your product and maybe you can get 5s and 6s. If you’re really driven you can maybe even improve enough to get the 9s and 10s. You improve enough to get the girls you’re happy with. Then that’s another part if your life down and on to the next.

Nothing changes. The righteous grind is the same at all levels. Leonardo DiCaprio struggles just as we do, albeit toward different goals.

Jnoisy · 2022-04-03T17:24:49+00:00

Appreciate these types of post. Not even about attracting the other person but just having self-compassion. Be kind and easy on yourself. You’re stuck with yourself so build a good relationship with the inner you.

Oxide21 · 2022-04-03T18:15:42+00:00

It's not that I don't believe I deserve someone. I just don't think there is anyone out there that will see me beyond a friend for reasons that I am not certain of.

One of the reasons I am not confident stems from a past issue. I expressed vulnerability to someone who I was growing very close to. But in the end, she never expressed how uncomfortable it was making her. It wasn't until she felt like I overloaded her, that she actually told me I was being clingy. Since then, I've been hesitant to share my personal problems with others. Obviously the anonymity I am guaranteed from this gives me some semblance of security.

I believe I am not getting an ideal partner because no matter where I go, people view me, from what I've gathered, as one of the following three:

1.) A Cool person who could be a great friend. But JUST a friend.

2.) A creep. (Real bruise to self-esteem)

3.) Weird.

I am not going to put effort into changing their minds, but the consequence has been my current status.

Bladerunner2205 · 2022-04-03T18:48:46+00:00

I do not fulfill the criteria of being a good-looking guy, overweight, unsure of clothing style that fits etc. Am very introverted also, spending most of my time indoors but not willingly. I'm not ever funny either, every time I try it just ends up in an awkward silence or a fake laugh. Let alone trying to get a girl to laugh. Plus they usually avoid me anyways, the only thing I do keep in check is hygiene and using good cologne not that its ever helped me so far. Only ever girlfriend I had cheated on me In the beginning and then later left me for another man. Have a few acne outbreaks too. So, yeah basically I unchecked every part of the criteria that I'd need leaving me as a kissless virgin. I couldn't see anyone wanting to get with me in the slightest when there's so many better options.

SlyderKmK · 2022-04-03T19:20:29+00:00

Everybody wants to be some sort of dating coach, or self help guru.

Thorongil_1802 · 2022-04-03T21:38:10+00:00

I was a nerdy overweight teenager who didn't know what to do or have the confidence to get a girl. I'm now 27 and I have lost the weight but have no idea what to do.

throwaway66999911 · 2022-04-03T22:24:37+00:00

My last (and first) 2 girlfriends I held on for too much, even though I knew they weren’t good for me. I think I was too scared to be alone. I’m not sure. When I met them I was at a place of being content alone, but after falling in love (which I tend to do quickly) I can’t think about letting them go.

I don’t think this is a good thing for finding my ideal partner.

Next to that, I have had multiple chances to approach, touch, kiss or go to bed with a girl, but I am too hesitant. For example, I went to a party with some friends from class. And there’s this girl who has showed interest in me the past few months. I haven’t given her particularly much attention like that, just as friends would do. But at the party I would’ve liked to escalate things with her, and I could have because we were touchy, and stuff. I am getting more comfortable with touching, but I was too hesitant at times the tension was at its highest. My ex of two months was also walking around over there, so I didn’t really felt like getting intimate with anyone in my ex’s face (like she wouldn’t do either), but still it felt like I could’ve made something happen that night.

You got some pointers for me? You’re a boss for doing this!

Salty-Employee · 2022-04-04T08:14:14+00:00

My chronic illness has rendered me unable to work and live normally all while not having a clear diagnosis. I’ve lost my identity as a guy in a sense , and It makes me scared my girlfriend will leave me even though she’s been nothing but patient and supportive.

mightymite88 · 2022-04-03T07:55:21+00:00

deserve has nothing to do with it. make approaches, signal intent, build attraction, escalate with consent. you'll find success whether you 'deserve' it or not.

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-04-03T10:55:51+00:00

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Quirky_Tale_9739 · 2022-04-03T15:36:57+00:00

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Mau_Fernandez · 2022-04-03T17:19:36+00:00

I'm not enough good looking (skinny guy) not rich (i have a decent salary but things are more expensive) i'm not a traveller guy (girls love travel just check Tinder) and most important i'm very introverted to start a conversation with a unknown woman.

Quirky_Tale_9739 · 2022-04-03T17:27:29+00:00

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thrxwxwxyxbvxxslx · 2022-04-03T17:59:22+00:00

Well op you asked for it. First of all i have the idea that im different from everyone. Fit in nowhere.

I know that thats bs but still.

Second.

Selfmade/sh scars. While i accepted them and almost forgot it does raise questions in people. Im not afraid of them. I dont need someone to acknowledge them i just need them to not care. Saying youre sorry is fine but please dont start a discussion about it.

Besides that I feel like I have nothing to offer. I know I'm not boring or stupid but it feels like I'm too far behind in life. Which is also not true but if we were able to distinguish truth from lies we wouldn't be here.

And I feel terribly guilty when I got someone's interest. It feels like I've lured them into a trap by acting nice while deep down I believe I'm the biggest piece of shit there is. Also not true, well I hope. Its just that on good days I do attract girls, but I feel like the happy me isn't me u know?

It's not that I'm insecure about how I look. I mean I like and dislike certain things but some things are out of our control. It's more like I feel like no one will accept me for who I am. I'm nice and fun on my good days. But I do have some baggage I carry around and I also have bad days. I just feel awful when I let someone into my life

lmao_lemo · 2022-04-03T18:10:03+00:00

Because I am only 5'6 and sort of have thinning hair. I am afraid that girls will outright reject me. I don't have the most aesthetic face because of that I always end of with girls that I don't really like much.

One_Replacement_3791 · 2022-04-03T18:15:19+00:00

Because I get emotionally invested in women I'm interested in and they turn out to either have a boyfriend or are not ready for a relationship. I work hard at presenting myself as attractive but I need that emotion to give me the courage to take things further. I'm afraid it's putting women off and I don't know what to do.

Daniel6270 · 2022-04-03T19:11:43+00:00

Because I’m ugly and have a big nose. Been told I’m ugly by loads of women, mainly as an adult, and I try make up for it by being a ‘nice guy’, another thing many women don’t like.

Code-Mundane · 2022-04-03T19:29:15+00:00

I scratched my legs so much due to depression for 10 years that I have multiple marks on my legs and they look so terrible... plus I'm oversized (even if I'm working to lose weight I feel men always care about the looks only), I don't have freedom to live alone because my mom is mentally ill and I have to take care of her and no one wants any of that burden.

ij1211 · 2022-04-03T19:31:40+00:00

Not attractive enough, bad luck with dating apps, nothing interesting to offer.

hoomadehoo · 2022-04-03T19:40:15+00:00

I think only about myself and don't believe anyone can be loyal to me, or that I can be loyal to anyone.
I am not confident because I was fat as a kid so I will never have the tight physique you see on social media.
I am not getting my ideal partner because I am capable of doing amazing things (incredibly academically gifted) and haven't met anyone nearly as competent that also enjoys life.

2022-04-03T19:57:31+00:00

I'm not ambitious, and I don't want to get married. I wanna have fun.

My looks are very good but my personality is boring and plain. I've found that the personality matters more.

Quirky_Tale_9739 · 2022-04-03T21:30:54+00:00

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Chewbaccafruit · 2022-04-03T21:58:19+00:00

Before things ended with my ex, I felt that I didn't deserve her. I went to college, I'm brilliantly intelligent and have many personal and professional skills, Im a gentleman and I'm good looking. I had a few short relationships but nothing that felt like fireworks until this. I was going to wait of course, but I wanted to marry this girl one day.

But I worked retail after losing my job to the pandemic, and had for about a year and a half, unable to find anything else. I made about 30k a year, and she worked in finance and made three times that. We were mid 20s. All of her friends were very successful and led beautiful, fulfilling lives and I was constantly struggling. She was talking about weekend vacations to San Francisco and going to stage plays and nice restaurants ( like $50+ a plate restaurants), I was worried about affording food after bills. I think that was a big part of why she ended it, although she didn't tell me. I didn't feel like I deserved her, but also some part of that was she didn't think I deserved her either.

Basically it was feelings of inadequacy, knowing that unless something major changed that I couldn't give her what she wanted in life. For a while we loved each other, but near the end of it I could tell she was waiting for something better. There wasn't as much affection, and she ghosted me for a couple weeks then left a voicemail at 1am when I was on do not disturb to end things, and blocked me on social media so I couldn't even ask why.

Now I'm doing much better, and this time around she doesn't deserve me.

nyctrancefan · 2022-04-03T22:27:22+00:00

I just don't think I'm cool enough, or that I do enough.

I see people on instagram going out to nice ass restaurants or partying every weekend, wearing sick clothes, and just overall being """cool""" (air quotes adde for a reason). And while I've definitely been trying to do more things like that, it just feels tough, and I always feel like I'm behind in some way or another.

AutomaticLie5150 · 2022-04-03T22:54:03+00:00

I wasn't able to keep the only one I wanted. The best thing that never happened

princesssbrooklynn · 2022-04-03T23:33:44+00:00

EVERYBODY IS WORTHY OF LOVE

unfinity2 · 2022-04-04T02:49:15+00:00

I’m a fuckin’ loser?

tipsum · 2022-04-04T03:00:28+00:00

I don’t leave my house for anything but work. I’m dying from an autoimmune disorder. I have autism. I was molested when I was 2 and I’m an absolute pervert. The world seems to simultaneously hate me and love me.

JaceKiwis · 2022-04-04T03:29:50+00:00

I'm not a good looking guy. I feel I am a boring person because I am introvert and silent type of person. I think I suck at conversation because I don't know what topic or questions I should be asking. And I constantly experiencing The yips, when I want to chat which create a sort of mental block for me. I always imagine what would the conversation would be before actually having the courage to initiate. I also don't have experience in relationship and it maybe contributing to why I suck at making convos and flirting, and me having the yips because I have no idea what people in relationship talks about to each other.

Ambitious-Ice2357 · 2022-04-04T04:16:32+00:00

I have ridiculously high standards. She has to be attractive and she can’t be a bitch.

Subject_Ad_3761 · 2022-04-04T06:49:14+00:00

I don't know how to attract women sexually. Extremely nice. Shy. Can be a bit boring when it comes to conversation and I have low self-esteem. I am also clueless when it comes to choosing signals. A bit perverted and suffered a bad childhood which I am trying to let go. I am trying to learn which requires a lot of effort but I am not giving up. Biggest fear is being with someone who is ran through and tries to act brand new because I am clueless about relationships.

hotchocalatesauce · 2022-04-04T13:39:22+00:00

A little complex in my case. I just want sex while simultaneously wanting a relationship and I don't get either. Also I'm going for girls that are bad for me.

Plamb79 · 2022-04-04T19:35:55+00:00

I stop trying and start appreciating being by myself. But when I try the most common thing is not being good at starting a conversation with someone I’ve never met before. Over thinking talking to that person

johnndammy · 2022-04-06T05:49:38+00:00

Wow nice thread

Title	Why Do You Think You Don’t Deserve Someone?
Author	Quirky_Tale_9739
Upvotes	33
Comments	173
Date	April 3, 2022 7:53 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tv42am/why_do_you_think_you_dont_deserve_someone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-do-you-think-you-dont-deserve-someone.1263025 https://theredarchive.com/post/1263025

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