every one of these damn 'get a girl' help pages states 'build up you self confidence' but not one tells you how.

telegraph_it · 2010-09-28T05:48:56+00:00

I made a post early today regarding my woman issues and the responses were great so I will give back.

In high school I had no confidence. I did not play a sport. I weighed a 115 pounds. I would look in the mirror and be so embarrassed by how skinny I was. My father noticed this and canceled my World of Warcraft membership and said try crew for a semester and if you don't like it go back to WoW. I tried crew and ended up staying with it all through high school. I gained muscle and placed in a few regattas. I started to become more satisfied with my body and my accomplishments with a sport and from that my confidence grew. I tried to continue rowing in college but getting up for practice at 4 am was somewhat difficult, and I wanted a social life, so I quit. But I did not quit exercising. I continued going to the gym six says a week since rowing practice was six days a week.

The result is I am now a senior in college and in the best shape of my life. I weigh 180 pounds (I'm six foot) and I am satisfied with my appearance. By reaching my goal of no longer being skinny my confidence increased ten fold.

I hope this helps.

ThrowawayPUA · 2010-09-28T06:00:51+00:00

You're not going to find a quick fix for self-confidence on a web page. You're going to have to work for it, go through some difficulties probably, and soon you will have successes that will surprise you and build your confidence. Nothing builds confidence like success. And nothing builds success like persistence and hard work.

Look through some of the lengthier pickup materials, especially stuff on "inner game." You can find good stuff in the "New to this subreddit?" link at the right side of the page. I think there are links to download the Transformations series by Real Social Dynamics, that might be a good place to start.

netwiz101 · 2010-09-28T14:46:00+00:00

Get confidence by doing shit. Keep doing shit until you get good at it. Do it scared; do it terrified. The most important thing is to do it. Show up to the gym, tap the pretty girl on the shoulder and say the most AFC thing you can if you can't think of anything. The most important thing is action.

When you do shit, shit gets done.

EncasedMeats · 2010-09-28T13:34:40+00:00

How to increase confidence:

Step 1 - Go to a bar (not a club).

Step 2 - Talk to strangers you do not want to bang, gain confidence.

Step 3 - Talk to strangers you do want to bang.

Step 4 - Bang.

2010-09-28T06:01:00+00:00

Many of them do. Typically, the methods (re: gaining confidence) proffered involve setting goals for yourself and accomplishing them, or, short of accomplishment, trying. These vary from working on your physical appearance to working on your conversational abilities, and anything and everything in between. It all depends on what areas you feel, or know, you are lacking competency. Where there is competency, confidence is not far behind.

metallicirony · 2010-09-28T11:03:50+00:00

Getting fit is a big deal.

Another is being comfortable with yourself, this one is not easy. I think true confidence comes when you have sufficient depth in terms of general knowledge and stuff like that to know that you can hold your own.

But I don't know, I'm confident, but its not that easy to get a girl either. No excuses, I will try harder.

SpaceToaster · 2010-09-28T15:58:27+00:00

True confidence is tough, because it is really only obtained through achieving success.

Start with small goals, and as you achieve them, you will be more confident that you will achieve the next as well. This can take some time in an area of your life where you are not used to experiencing success. You will have to take some risks, and fight your "common sense" indicators warning you of failure along the way, but your confidence will grow.

I'd recommend to:

Get fit. This gives me a HUGE boost in positive self image.
Give focus to an area of your life, a talent or ability you are already good at, and work to improve it.
Focus on making small changes in your life which will make a positive impact, everyday.
Force yourself into more social situations, even if they are uncomfortable at first (they will eventually become more natural.)
Knock it off with ANY negative self talk you have floating around your head. This can be very detrimental.
Try incorporating some affirmations into your routine. They don't work for everybody, but the certainty can't hurt.

Edit: grammar, for your reading pleasure.

philosarapter · 2010-09-28T17:07:29+00:00

How to gain self-confidence:

Spend time in front of the mirror every day. Practice conversational skills, body language and posture. Know how you look when you do certain expressions and work on your storytelling ability.
Compliment yourself all the time. If you've done something cool, tell yourself how awesome you are.
Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. What is it that you are good at? Keep these in your mind. If you know you are smart and funny, then you should reaffirm this to yourself on a regular basis. Tell yourself that you are the type of man women want to be around.
Set obtainable realistic goals every day, both short term and long term. Complete them. Reflect on the fact that you completed them, just as you said you would.
Exercise. Push yourself past what you thought you were capable of. The most limiting factor of our experience is our own beliefs.
Face your fears. Write them down and find a way to overcome them. You have to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone. If you don't want to do it, or it scares you... do it anyway.
Continue to improve yourself, in every way you know how. (read, take night classes, harness a new skill, study an unknown area of science, go to a professional hair place and get a new haircut, buy a new suit, shine your shoes, etc)
Always look your best, whether youre just going out for a run or going on a date, always take time to maintain your appearance and how you smell. If you know you look good, you'll feel good and will act confidently.
Love yourself. Be a little conceited. Remember, everyone else is a character making a guest appearance in your reality. You are the center of your own universe, and everything around you is yours for the taking.

wisemencantjump · 2010-09-28T07:34:14+00:00

it's cliché, but you gotta fake it 'til you make it

2010-09-28T14:59:11+00:00

Confidence for me comes in knowing that when I open my mouth, whatever comes out will be interesting and factual. That way I can speak loudly and command the attention I feel I'm entitled to.

Physical confidence comes from knowing that I like what I see in the mirror and everyone else will too. It comes from time spent outside hiking, or in the gym, or on a bike. Be physical and shed those pounds fatty, and you'll love the confidence boost you get.

In either case, it takes hard work. There seems to be a direct correlation between confidence and 1) hard work 2) success and 3) experience. So go out and do some 'stuff'.

riffraffs · 2010-09-28T17:29:45+00:00

I just have to say how awesome you people are, thanks.

strongoaktree · 2010-09-28T18:40:49+00:00

Because the way I do it sou ds like new age hippy bullshit. Positive mental attitude is what I do. I have daily affirmations, and any time I feel like I am even slightly losing confidence I take a step back and say my affirmations. I then force myself to smile and think about the last tme I had a good laugh.

I then remind myself that girls are just one part of my life, and everythig else Ive done has been successful.

I often yell at myself mentally " I am a sexy, intelligent, suave man that everybody loves to hang with. "

I qualify myself to myself.

When I wake up in the morning, I sing a very cheesey song right as I wake up. "oh what. Beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, Ive got a wonderful feeling that everythings going my way"

positive mental attitude is everything and my game would be nothing without it.

aspartame_junky · 2010-09-28T15:07:19+00:00

In terms of PUA-related stuff, I still think David Deangelo's Deep Inner Game series comes closest to providing the tools for achieving a state of true confidence and competence. Dr. Paul's "Mind OS" is a bit of a trivialization, but the overall themes are sound, particularly his conception of personal boundaries and of the rituals and rites of manhood.

The main gist is this: confidence is not an "act", but a way of being. This way of being requires a certain assuredness of one's essential stature as a being, of equal worth to those around him. This is done through the methodical and rigorous inspection of insecurities, the definition and refinement of goals in pursuit of understanding why one feels insecure in the first place, and definitive action to change one's behavior and mindset.

A lot of the NLP stuff out there provides a route to patching one's mindset, but it still doesn't address the fundamental issue of confidence: do you see yourself as a being fundamentally worthy of attraction? Can you stand your ground in the face of adversity or do you crumble with insecurity?

The general metaphor used in the Deep Inner Game series is the transformation of Edmond Dantes in The Count of Monte Cristo, from a naive yet well-meaning boy to a man capable of making his own way in the world, despite enormous obstacles.

Finally, a reason many PUA resources don't go into more detail regarding "confidence" is because there is no silver bullet. Attaining real confidence is not a trick you can convince yourself using NLP or self-hypnosis...it requires real work on your core being, examining your essential values, putting them to the test, and making yourself a better person, physically, mentally, and even spiritually, if you're into that.

Finally, a bit that's often overlooked: failure is a necessary component of this journey. Confidence is, at its heart, the ability to stay cool under adversity and duress. Don't be afraid to put yourself in situations that test your abilities; that said, insecurity is overcome by learning from these experiences, rather than recoiling from them.

Good luck, the journey is long, but it's well worth the effort.

ngroot · 2010-09-28T13:04:43+00:00

There are two sides to confidence - the external, which can be increased by lifting heavy things and moving a lot, and the internal. The latter rarely gets a mention but it is at least as important as the former. I recommend reading about philosophy, taking psychedelics, introspection and following your passions to develop it.

2010-09-28T21:44:59+00:00

self confidence is self love, imho. first learn how to accept yourself then learn how to love yourself.

psykocrime · 2010-09-28T22:31:52+00:00

Ross Jeffries has a whole program on confidence, but I haven't seen it yet. However, based on what I've seen of his other programs, I expect it's excellent. He actually spends quite a bit of time on confidence - and how to cultivate it - in one of his other programs... unfortunately I can't sort out which one it was from my notes. I must not have taken very detailed notes during the section. If I can find it later I'll edit this and put in the name of the program and some of the highlights.

Failing that, there are plenty of books on cultivating confidence in the general "self help" section at Barnes & Noble or Borders, or on Amazon.com. For example: http://www.amazon.com/Confidence-Course-Seven-Steps-Self-Fulfillment/dp/0061094536/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285713018&sr=1-1, or http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Secrets-Total-Self-Confidence-Revised/dp/042522189X/ref=pd_sim_b_3, or http://www.amazon.com/Confidence-Plan-How-Build-Stronger/dp/1402203497/ref=pd_sim_b_5 among others.

Title	every one of these damn 'get a girl' help pages states 'build up you self confidence' but not one tells you how.
Author	riffraffs
Upvotes	32
Comments	49
Date	September 28, 2010 5:09 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/djuc0/every_one_of_these_damn_get_a_girl_help_pages/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/every-one-of-these-damn-get-a-girl-help-pages.1311989 https://theredarchive.com/post/1311989

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