Best friend.

takfam · 2011-02-09T21:46:32+00:00

I knew if I stuck around here long enough, I'd find a way to contribute more than just no-close FRs.

My roommate is better than me in everything. Appearance, financially, charismatically, creatively and in about every other way you can imagine. If other friends didn't know he was there, I'd think he was my own personal Tyler Durden. The fact is, I resented him for a very long time until only recently. I know behind my back he refers to me almost like a pet, or a nephew. "A good kid" may be an example of words he'd use to describe me. I know this from mutual friends.

I used to care and it sucked. It sucked bad. Having to live with a constant reminder of everything you want to be and you're not is a hell of monkey on your back. It was actually that frustration that led me to Seddit. I'd tried everything else. Self-help books that didn't help because my self sucked. Stupid positive-self-reinforcement mantras that made me feel weaker for needing them. Doing my best imitations of his mannerisms and even stealing some of the idiosyncratic things he said. Seddit was honestly the next in a line of remedies I didn't think would fix whatever I had broken. Looking back, I tried a LOT of dumb things, but the imitations were the worst. Everyone could see right through me, it wasn't "fake it til you make it", it was "Hey, everyone likes this guy, so I'm going to try and be this guy." which came across about as fake as it sounds.

What shocked me out of everything stupid that I was doing was overhearing a group of friends cutting me down. Basically just being drunk and completely ripping into everything I was trying to do and sharing secrets about me that I had told them in confidence. It was at that point that I had a radical mind-shift. The reason they were doing this was because my little hangups had pushed them to the point where my own personal melodrama was a topic of conversation and amusement. I cried myself to sleep in a feeling of utter powerlessness.

The next morning, I felt enlightened. The feeling has stuck. I can't change people's opinions of me. Trying to change an opinion is like trying to re-direct a river. You can do it, but you have to decide if the end result is really worthwhile for all the work it's going to take. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. They say you can please some people sometimes, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. I'm no longer worried about pleasing people. I am going to experience life and if I can manage to please some people along the way, they can come along for the ride. I am going to flirt with women. I am going to set my boundaries and get angry with friends that crossed them. I am going to bars and clubs I'm not sure I want to go to because how do I know unless I try them out? I am going to jump off of the Stratosphere in Vegas after I lose 30lbs to make the weight requirement. I am going to do all of those things with or without consent or approval. Some of the women I meet may like my roommate, when that happens, they can leave and it's their loss because they're going to miss out on my adventure because they want to be with him. If people think what I'm doing is stupid, that's fine. If they think I'm crazy, who gives a fuck? It's my life, not theirs. I'm going to make mistakes and if they want to chastise me for it, fuck 'em, they made mistakes too. The next things I have on my list will make 'em forget that time(s) I screwed up. The next women I meet are going to make the last ones seem bland. The next woman that leaves me for my roommate is going to miss out, and that's sad that she couldn't see it, but it'll mean someone else is lucky to be with me.

This isn't only about women brother, it's about life. There's only person I'll listen to telling me how to live is my father simply because he gets it. He knows I've been trying to find myself ever since high school graduation. He doesn't tell me what to do, he just tells me how he'd do it and what he thinks I should do and respects my decisions and my need to make mistakes. If you need someone like that, Seddit is full of us. We all "get it". We're all still making mistakes and learning on a daily basis. You are amongst people that understand what you're doing and where you're coming from.

I'm rambling because I was exactly in your shoes. I can't tell you how excited I am for you. When you shake off this funk and become your own person you are going to feel so good that people will ask you if you're in love or something and you will be. You'll be in love with yourself. Everything you do will have different hue. I can't help you flip this switch. Everything I've written here is everything I know and if it helps you cut even a week out of this down state you're in, then it's worth sharing. You value other people's opinion of you over your own and that's not how it should be. He is he and you are you. Once that clicks for you, life is going to get so much better. Its going to feel like your bashing your head against a wall trying to figure it out, but eventually that wall is going to break. That probably seems like an empty platitude to you right now, but I hope that once you break the wall down, you'll look back and be able to share your experience and know you're a better person because you'll never let yourself go back to that dark place ever again.

TL;DR: I was there, it sucks, but you can break out of it. Your opinion of yourself needs to be the most valuable to you, not everyone else's opinion of you compared to your roommate.

audiostatic82 · 2011-02-09T19:55:47+00:00

I have a friend somewhat like this. We're both pretty good looking, but while I have darker features, he's a dirty blond with blue eyes. He also has a killer smile, is extremely witty, has pretty solid fashion sense and way more social than myself. I wouldn't call him a natural, but he's pretty close to it.

I have some traits that put me above him in social regards, better paying job, nicer house, stuff like that ... but lets face it, girls aren't going to go home with me just because of a socially considered better job title. I think I'm a better story teller, but he talks a much better game.

As for suggestions for stepping out of his shadow ... first of all, don't see it that way. You have your own set of interesting traits and abilities that you may not see. To you, it's just you .. to a girl, it's what makes you different. These are the things you want to highlight with separation, not comparison. Don't try to compete with him, work with him. He's a real good friend, you two probably have a lot in common, inside jokes, watch similar TV shows, go to the same parties, have similar stories about other friends and past experiences. Use these. Here's some tricks I do .. well, I guess it's better phrased as 'we do' since we often play off of each other. Say you're talking to a group and you have each started to focus on a girl in particular, but it's still in a group scenario. Make an inside joke or pop culture reference that he'll laugh at. My friend and I are both huge Arrested Development fans. So saying things like, I've made a huge mistake or her? or (when dressed up nice) like the guy in the $5,000 suit is gonna get you another drink .. come on! The girl closest to you (your focus) will most likely ask what you're talking about. Give her all of your attention, in fact, almost make it difficult for others around to be a part of your conversation. This is a good time to step back, or outside of the circle. Begin to use your hands to tell the story. Get excited about it and attract her attention, but use it to distance yourself and isolate the two of you. If it's a good story, she'll be paying attention to you and her friends will feel almost as if they're interrupting if they tried to be a part of it. It's a pretty good technique for isolating one from the group without physically moving. Now you have all of her attention, but she's comfortable because she didn't leave her friends. This also allows your friend to do the same thing, sometimes even explaining the exact same story. Although, make sure you do it differently. So if he gets animated, you can get quieter. Move in closer to her and speak softly, as though it's an intimate talk between just you two. From here you can move, get another drink at the bar, take her dancing .. whatever your game typically involves.

Another trick I employ sometimes is to hype up my friend to the girl he's interested in. I know the kinds of girls he likes and he knows the kinds I like. We obviously want each other to do well, so we help each other out. Sometimes a girl more my style will end up talking to my friend, or vise versa. So, bring up a subject that your friend has a good story about or knows a lot about. When the girl starts talking about it, grab your friend and say something like 'hey, sara here went to such and such last year, didn't you do that with your dad a while back?' or whatever the real story is. If you do it a few times, your friend will notice. When it's just you too you just make a comment about how he'd do the same for you or yeah man, when you're talking to that redhead next time you should help me out. It works pretty well when both people work as a team.

In the situations where things are going great with his girl and not so much with yours, it's a great chance to break out on your own and open some solo sets. Your friend talking to that girl all night is decent social proof. I wouldn't use it as an opener, but it's a nice answer to 'so where are your friends at?'

Things to not do. Don't make it a competition. If he does better than you, good for him. He's your friend, you should be happy for him. Hell, watch how he acts, what he says, things he does. Don't mimic him, but you might be able to learn from him. Never bring up subjects that put him in a low light or try to make him uncomfortable by throwing off his game or anything just because he's doing better than you. In most situations, he can only take home one girl. Find her friend and go after it. If he's having a great night, so will the rest of you. Positive vibes are contagious.

bigbadbyte · 2011-02-09T19:10:59+00:00

Read more, work out more, be friendlier, be more personable.

Just be more interesting. Learn an instrument, volunteer somewhere cool, I don't know.

When I want to be interesting I know my strengths are that I play a lot of musical instruments and am very well read. My other friend uses his rugby and water skiing. We get different girls, but we both get girls. Find something and be good at it. Let them see you be good at it.

rustoof · 2011-02-09T21:03:52+00:00

Don't game with him. I don't introduce my best friend to girls I want to bang until I have. Otherwise he'll just have a threesome and leave me out in the cold lol

loffels · 2011-02-10T05:48:01+00:00

I prefer having people around me who are better than me in every regard.

You need to open your eyes and realize that you can have what these people have, but you have to swallow your pride and learn from them. I have friends of all walks of life, and when I see them doing something that I may be envious of, I learn from them and try to copy what they do. Then I tweak what I've learned to make it more personal to me.

I used to be a total loser who was surrounded by loser friends. I went nowhere and did nothing. When I went to college, I made only one friend, who was socially adroit and charming. I learned from this friend, I copied his mannerisms, how he reacted in awkward moments, in talking to girls, etc. With what I learned from him I made more aquaintances from whom I could learn more about life, interaction, hobbies, etc.

I learned how to dress well by dressing like my well dressed friend Logan. I learned how to talk well by talking like my friend Stephen. I learned how to talk to girls by copying my friend Garrick. I learned how to tell stories by telling stories like my friend Peter. The list goes on and on.

So if you find yourself being jealous of your friends, stop for a moment and realize that jealousy gets you nowhere. High value friends are a great source for self improvement.

ragefaced · 2011-02-09T19:49:15+00:00

It seems like the only thing that I am good at is meeting new girls, which end up liking him.

You need to work on your game, mate. You at least do not have AA which many other guys suffer from. Read the side bar content and FRs, especially the earlier ones by TofuTofu.

Observe the behavior of your friend around girls to learn the "trick". As many say, looks do not matter in seduction techniques. Moreover, impress them enough before introducing your best friend to them.

bangthemermaid · 2011-02-10T16:25:58+00:00

The point is not how to win the competition. The point is not to see one and not to define your self worth in comparison to what other people (best friends or strangers) can or can not do.

Comparing yourself to others all the time is the ultimate recipe for unhappiness. It's completely fruitless because you need to find your inner self and not the one of your best friend.

You can only shape your own life. So instead of looking for somebody who you can compare against and look unfavorably, look at your self and at how you can progress.

unsexyMF · 2011-02-09T19:06:09+00:00

Try not hanging out with him so much?

Delightful_White · 2011-02-09T23:00:20+00:00

almost everybody I meet is better looking, smarter, etc.

I still get more girls than them. Don't let them be a burden on your game.

doctorsound · 2011-02-10T00:11:23+00:00

Same fucking story here. Now, I'm still working on this, but we both have our strong points, and I need to bring mine out more. Also, don't let it shake your confidence.

Blunderd · 2011-02-10T05:45:03+00:00

Exactly the same situation

jagermeistr · 2011-02-09T20:02:16+00:00

Everyone who has ever lived is going to feel envious at some point. It's a tough emotion to deal with. This article does a good job I think:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dealing-With-Envy---Easy-Ways-to-Stop-Being-Envious&id=1435290

alphaasfuck · 2011-02-09T20:33:51+00:00

I have on several occasions kept around people in general that were better at me than things, in order to GET better at things. You need to do things without them, but keep them around. Good friends will NEVER cock block you or make you feel that you don't have a chance because they are better at things. As a good friend, he should want to help you down that path. Ask for his help, and tell him how you feel.

JakalDX · 2011-02-09T21:07:33+00:00

If he's a bro, get him to DHV you. If he's really that incredible, and he's complementing you and stuff, it just looks good for you.

leevs11 · 2011-02-09T22:12:22+00:00

Realize that he's really just your imaginary friend who you created to deal with a crappy life and will eventually gather a group of people to create his own version of project mayh

akrabu · 2011-02-09T20:46:45+00:00

I have a friend who sucks the female attention out of every room so I try to keep him away from women. He also doesn't care and would never cheat on his girlfriend. So he pretty much goes out of his way to acquire all female attention and then does nothing about it. I'm getting really good with working around him though and even using him as an angle. I second based the hottest girl I'd ever seen in my life with him around and trying to interfere. I just chased him away by talking about the sick orgy we were all going to have.

EDIT: I used to have another friend like this who always stole all of the attention everywhere we went. But if I didn't hang around that guy I wouldn't have ever hooked up with my favorite sex partner out of all of them. She was miles above every girl I slept with and we had a pretty long-term fling of constant shenanigans and sexiness. Turn that guy into a blessing.

lepton2171 · 2011-02-09T21:28:51+00:00

I had a friend like this. Several times we were walking across a college campus and a group of girls would stop us (him) to comment on how good looking he was. A number of girls I was into ended up going for him. Sometimes there would be a bit of strife between us, but I was pretty good at letting go of it.

One day I got a phone call from his girlfriend saying that he had broken his neck snowboarding. He survived, but it fundamentally changed his life (and mine, too). In an instant he lost most all of that physical prowess. You're a lot less likely to get stopped by girls who want to tell you how hot you are when you're in a wheelchair, or walking with a cane.

I wish that had never happened to him, and going through that experience has significantly changed how I relate to friends. Don't get too caught up in how your friends might be better looking, better at sports, or whatever else. Be happy they're your friends. Use their success to push you further. Learn from their strengths and let their good qualities rub off on you. Some day they might suddenly be gone, and you'll find yourself wishing their shadow was still around.

Title	Best friend.
Author	MagicPonyRide
Upvotes	15
Comments	26
Date	February 9, 2011 7:03 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/fi6ui/best_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/best-friend.1315426 https://theredarchive.com/post/1315426

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