I am a genuinely nice guy. How do you deal with female friend that wants something more, but not be a dick and not get fucked over yourself?

Goron40 · 2011-04-26T04:12:15+00:00

I tried to make this same situation work...twice. It's never worth it, friendships make it much harder, especially if anything really sexual happens. In my experience, girls have a hard time distinguishing sex from something more. In the end, you'll be who you are, go after someone else, and she'll be crushed. If she doesn't mean that much to you, then whatever do what you want. But if you value her company as a friend, "chill" girls are really REALLY hard to come by. My advice, consider your relationship with her. If you still would want to "be friends," make the real friend move and spare her. Acknowledge you use women, spare your friends, and move on.

chL41 · 2011-04-26T04:13:34+00:00

If you want her, take her.

If you don't, make it clear.

If you're unsure, carry on as is.

ThrowawayPUA · 2011-04-27T00:00:15+00:00

I wouldn't call you a chump. I'd call you an Orbiter. But an Orbiter is a type of chump.

sockthepuppetry · 2011-04-26T04:21:29+00:00

Should I turn her down if she comes onto me? Should I roll with it? I understand this might fuck up our friendship but hey she's hot I already like the chick what do I have to do to not not make this awkward and not get anyone hurt? I'm not really looking for a girlfriend right now and I'm smart enough to know that this chick still wants her old boyfriend back.

I don't get what you're trying to accomplish. A hookup? An excuse to try see how a relationship would go with this girl?

On the other hand what if this ends up being the person I might actually want? I mean Neil Strauss ended his game after he found love right?

There's no such thing as "the person". There's such a thing as a type of person you mesh well with. And that type most certainly exists in the plural. As for The Game, it's just the bible. It's not meant to taken literally. Every Don Giovanni story in literature ends with the rake renouncing his former ways. That's how the story has to end. That's why Strauss ended it where he did. Strauss broke up with Lisa besides.

I'd say stop projecting so many expectations into this: she's the one, it'll ruin the friendship, etc... If you want to run with it, run with it, and see where it goes. Just don't burden the damn thing with expectations. And don't make choices out of desperation.

telegraph_it · 2011-04-26T06:23:21+00:00

I hooked up with a good friend after she dumped her boyfriend. I guess she liked it enough that she never told me she got back with her boyfriend and we hooked up two more times. In my opinion, can't speak for her, our relationship really isn't that different.

Although, she did make the first move and I went along for the ride. Made it a lot easier and also spoiled me.

2011-04-26T07:21:51+00:00

Just be direct, homeboy. The nicest thing you can do is make things clear. It would be cruel to lead her on 'to spare hurt feelings'. Be direct and honest - let her off gently, but let her off in clear terms.

2011-04-26T04:04:52+00:00

Play it just as you are I'd say. I wouldn't recommend telling her you have ANY relationship considerations with her. She probably wouldn't think of you any different, but she may a little. Just pick up on certain indicators of interest and make sure they're towards YOU and nobody else. If you want to date around at the same time, you guys can both go out and open on groups. I do that with a lot of girl friends. The difference is, I'm not planning on anything sexual with the ones I go out with.

2011-04-26T06:17:37+00:00

Neil Strauss ended with a lesson, not a girlfriend.

InferiousX · 2011-04-26T07:06:47+00:00

Should I turn her down if she comes onto me?

If you don't want to be with her in that way? Yes.

Anyone ever have experience dealing with someone you really do care about?

Yes. My friend's sister was in love with me for the longest time. Probably still is to some degree. I've had other situations where a girl I liked as a friend wanted more. You have to just be honest and tell them how it is. Initially, they aren't going to like it. I've even been called a few names. But in the end, they always end up respecting me for being honest about it.

I mean Neil Strauss ended his game after he found love right?

Are you referring to the end of the book when he got a GF? Well two things.

1: They're broken up.

2: As long as there is a sex drive, the game is never over. Biggest mistake a lot of guys make is thinking that because they got the girl the work is done. More like "Congratulations on passing basic algebra (getting a girl) now lets have you try some college calculus (relationship management)

Nexism · 2011-04-26T07:25:18+00:00

You're both adults and hence deal wih it accordingly. Talk to her about it, quite literally. You seem to have nothing to lose as you're always helping her (if something goes sour, she won't turn you away).

frogma · 2011-04-26T03:26:30+00:00

Strauss temporarily ended his game, only to pick it back up again.

On the other hand what if this ends up being the person I might actually want?

The overall tone of the post, and that question in particular, makes it seem to me like you want to fuck this girl. If she's an independent, confident woman, I don't see anything wrong with that.

only slightly (and nervously) hinting at it. Lots more touching then usual, asking about her looks and her body, dressing nicer around me, etc.

I don't pay much attention to IOIs, but just for future reference, girls are generally much much more subtle about showing interest. You might think it's subtle, but she might think it's totally obvious.

I don't really know what to tell you- if you guys hook up and then she gets pissed/disappointed when you don't want anything more, that's her problem. If you don't want to hook up with her, then don't do it. [And bro, if she's a cool girl, and you're sexually attracted to her, I think you'd be stupid to not fuck the shit out of her.]

You easily may have friend-zoned this girl, so she might be dying for your cock. Or, she may have easily friend-zoned you (the fact that you guys have been friends for so long is the only proof I need to make that claim). Build up some sexual tension and make something happen if you want, or don't if you don't want to.

2011-04-26T04:53:58+00:00

what exactly do you WANT, as long as youve known her, did you want to be with her for more than just sex? do you think she will just be clingy and kind of fuck it up if you become closer? (even if she is hot). I guess im not sure what you are asking or looking for here.

partialfriction · 2011-04-26T06:44:49+00:00

Have you tried just being honest with her about your feelings and voicing them? If you guys are so close, she should understand your POV. I don't think game theory relates so much to very close relationships. She's your best friend, right? So she probably knows more or less about how you think or feel. Just be upfront with your feelings about liking her and also telling her that you're aware she's not over the ex and work it out. Awkwardness really only happens if you let it for the most part. If she's an ounce reasonable and you're able to just be accepting of her time in need then things should be fine.

greenpixel · 2011-04-26T10:44:59+00:00

This is my experience of it, obviously it'll be different for you, but hopefully I can help some.

I've got a female friend - that I really do care about a lot - who's genuinely the most "chill" girl I've ever met, unfortunately she's also the hottest girl I've ever been friends with. She's got a boyfriend of a year and a half, but there had been increasingly heavy chemistry between us. Ended up sleeping with her (whoops), which she felt pretty bad about and it never happened again. I made sure to play it cool though, and the air is well and truly cleared. There's still chemistry there, but there has been a total shift and we'd never end up in bed together again.

So yes, it is possible to sleep with a girl and come out the other side of it just the same, or even better than before.

However, with your friend still hung up on her previous relationship, it would be more difficult as it comes with the weight of displaced affection from that.

Overall, if you want to sleep with her, then go ahead, then act completely normal about your friendship later on, make sure to contact her for a normal hangout like you would have done beforehand ASAP after you sleep with her.

You could end up in a friends-with-benefits situation, but girls can tend to want more after some time.

Or if you don't want to sleep with her, then say what you just said in your original post. You won't come off as an asshole, your post was very calm, open and honest, which a good friend will appreciate.

TL;DR if you want to sleep with her, do it then carry on as normal.

If you don't want to, then don't, and tell her you won't.

on_the_dl · 2011-04-26T15:16:02+00:00

Why so sensitive? Jeez, sometimes it's like Oprah here...

Anyway, whatever you decide, I promise that in five years from now you will either...

...be sad that you never even had sex with her.
...be happy that at least you had sex with her.

By the way, if she wants to sleep with you and you're not giving her what she wants, maybe you're not such a "genuinely nice guy", eh?

ymrhawk · 2011-04-26T16:57:12+00:00

She is going to distance herself from you eventually because you rejected her. You were the dick behind the emergency glass and now that she got dumped she wants to break that shit. The outcome imo will be the same whether you reject her or have that fling.

marvinkmooney · 2011-04-26T22:02:46+00:00

What I'm seeing people not take into account is that you can break of sexual relationships without hurting the girl. You can stop being attractive to them, without them realizing you are doing it on purpose. start acting clingy, needy, wussy etc. obviously, be smart about it..she knows you well enough, it would be easy to do it wrong and get caught...that would def. hurt her...im confident though that women are only hurt when men they are ATTRACTED to stop being interested in them...and that men can change their attractiveness in ways that women just cant (aside from not exercising/diet change )

MisandryIsPoop · 2011-04-26T23:14:25+00:00

If she didn't bother to dress nicely around you before then she'll do the same thing when you're together.

Say hello to future miss slobby fatass.

No thanks!

But if you want to hit it and quit it, just try not to get falsely accused of rape.

unsexyMF · 2011-04-26T06:14:31+00:00

It's harder to be friends than lovers, and you shouldn't try to mix the two. - Liz Phair.

I also think you might be suffering from "Nice Guy Syndrome."

Another thing: would you still be good friends with this girl if she were ugly?

2011-04-26T06:31:31+00:00

A GF who's also your best friend? GREAT!

2011-04-26T06:53:55+00:00

If you call yourself a nice guy, then you're a chump.

If you're friendly with EVERYONE you speak to, then you're a chump. Are you going to be friendly to some drunk guy who steals your girl's drink or puts something inside it? You're going to be friendly when a guy calls your girl a cunt after he bumps into her?

Never call yourself a nice guy. Your goal is to be a gentleman.

Your goal is to be confident, genuine, and kind. Unlike a nice guy who is cowardly, fake, and supplicating.

When you start identifying yourself as a gentleman, the answers become clear.

PS the game never ends and Neil got dumped.

Title	I am a genuinely nice guy. How do you deal with female friend that wants something more, but not be a dick and not get fucked over yourself?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	30
Comments	36
Date	April 26, 2011 3:04 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/gxh8x/i_am_a_genuinely_nice_guy_how_do_you_deal_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-am-a-genuinely-nice-guy-how-do-you-deal-with.1317748 https://theredarchive.com/post/1317748

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