Rejection issues - Inability to be desensitized

revbobdobbs · 2012-02-01T09:12:51+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I struggled with this for a very long time.

I was in the game for about 6 years, and I never got over rejection. I always felt like crap if my approach "failed". I always took it personally.

A few weeks ago everything changed very suddenly. It literally happened overnight. I wrote about it here:

http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/orcrq/a_bomb_went_off_in_my_head/

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened, and why the shift was so massive and so sudden. I think it had to do with these things:

I took a hard look at the negative emotions that I was carrying with me into the field
I internalised a new value system, with myself at the center
I got pissed off at wasting energy

Part of my turnaround involved seeing "rejection" involved a reframe about it: when a girl rejects your offer of seduction, there are two ways to take it:

"I am of no value to this highly valuable person"

or

"This person has nothing to offer me"

The reality is that latter. I'm assuming you are a cool guy with awesome value to offer. This being the case, you are the selector. Your approach is actually you filtering candidates for what they can offer you.

A few weeks ago, I had AA so badly that I'd often totally freeze up before approaching. With my new value system, I've approached more girls in the last few weeks then I have in the last year at least. I mostly approach directly - just going up to candidates and asking them if they are single. I'm getting about one number close a day. The girls are digging my vibe so much that I have to filter out the ones that are lying when they say that they are single.

If you have trouble getting value from what I've written, at least hold on to this:

You can do it. Most every guy is capable of overcoming fear of rejection. If you find the click, you'll never take it personally again.

nnocor · 2012-02-01T11:26:00+00:00

What do I do?

Re-Frame :D

You are taking it personally because you are thinking about it personally. I have (had?) a similar problem and I overcame it by using re-framing.

Rather than: "She doesn't like me" what really happened, and what you should say to yourself is: "She didn't like what I said/did". This process is liberating because each rejection is a platform for learning and problem solving. You can then think "Maybe i should try this/ say that / Not go all in on apocalypse openers every time".

And keep smiling :) the whole point of this shit is to have fun!

eablokker · 2012-02-01T09:57:33+00:00

I have this same issue. One bit of advice that I've realized is that you can't set yourself up to risk everything on one girl. Even if you're just saying hi, but pretending in your mind that she is going to be the one special one, that's risking too much. You have to know that she is probably not the one special one, but you're taking the risk anyway, the risk that she might not be the one. What I'm getting at is that if you take too big of a risk and get rejected, its too much, you won't adapt. Not enough risk taking, and you won't grow. The big mistake is to risk everything all at once. Take appropriately small sized risks, so they are sufficiently challenging that they cause you to grow and incrementally adapt. But even a seemingly small risk can get blown out of proportion if you have pre-decided that the girl you're taking a risk with is in fact the one perfect special girl. I hope that makes sense.

I think rejection will always hurt no matter what, but what hurts the most is what we think it means. I've come to enjoy the pains of physical exercise because I know it means I'm growing and getting stronger. But if I lift a weight that's too heavy it can push me into the injury zone, and I might learn a new meaning, that exercise means injury. Don't injure yourself out there, take it easy! A little pain feels good because it means you're growing.

JihadDerp · 2012-02-01T13:42:15+00:00

You're being outcome dependent. Change your goal for each approach. Instead of approaching to get her number, approach to get a smile, to get a laugh, to learn something unique about her, to hear her opinion on the latest controversy, to talk for 1, 2, 5, or 15 minutes. To see if she knows any good jokes. To learn her middle name. To find out if she likes her job and what she really wants to do. Anything but a number. If you make those your goals and you get her number too, then that's nice.

assholebiker · 2012-02-01T13:18:38+00:00

Redefine your goal. When you go out for the night (or the day), don't put it in terms of how many numbers you get or whether you attract a girl - make it your goal to find out which girls like you. E.g. "I will approach X girls today and won't give up until I know if they like me." Now, it's a scientific pursuit, devoid of personal investment and the question of success with a girl is properly reframed as a question about her, and not about you.

anony6464 · 2012-02-01T13:29:54+00:00

Normally, I'd yell and rant at you for being a pussy and that you should stop being a pussy and go out more.

But I forget that letting go of rejection also requires a huge paradigm shift.

Simply don't look at it as rejection. Learn to look at things only as "learning experiences". You learn a lot from both bad experiences and good experiences. And if you fuck up with one girl, you can't go back into the past and change anything, so there's no point worrying.

Change your standard for success. I used to get incredibly AA because I told myself, "Okay I have to approach her, then 5-second makeout, etc. etc" I was shitting myself before I even talked to her because I cared so much about either getting laid, or just looking good. So I changed my standard of success so that I considered myself successful as long as I did approaches.

2012-02-01T17:14:28+00:00

You will get there. It may take hundreds of rejections.

In just under two years, I've probably got 1500-2000 under my belt (going out 3 nights a week, and going hard).

There can still be a tiny bit of AA once in a while, but definitely no sting whatsoever at rejection. Even in the rare event that a girl says something rude or whatever, I literally just start laughing and then walk away. I sometimes wonder what they're thinking when they come out with their best insult and I just start cracking up, haha.

It's a good feeling! :) You can get there.

One key thing is I have 0 investment in each girl to begin with. When I go up to her, I'll be friendly and all, but I don't care about her at all. I don't even know her! And she's like the 5th girl I've talked to. So if she isn't into me, it doesn't matter.

MARSpu · 2012-02-01T08:59:33+00:00

What about it do you take personally?

puaCurveBall · 2012-02-01T16:06:01+00:00

How often are you getting rejected?

How much investment have you made before the rejection takes place?

notlurkinganymoar · 2012-02-01T19:28:08+00:00

Remember that you can always take a break from the game to clear your head/recalibrate. If you just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, sometimes you will overcome an obstacle. But allow yourself time to reflect without being hard on yourself.

2012-02-01T22:41:43+00:00

What do I do?

Confidence. Not the outward appearance kind, but deep inner confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Rejection and failure is are part of life. I almost never see those as some something primarily related to who I am, but more about what I did. I can chose to learn from those experiences or not. I don't care. Since, I'm fully confident that it has nothing to do with who I am and what I can do.

I know I can pickup beautiful woman, I have done it before and will do it again. Also, I know that I will experience failure (I'm not even good at this stuff). However, that has nothing to do with me. More importantly, this has almost nothing to do with woman or pickup. Live through some real hardships or failures (sickness, financial, depression) and you will see that if you have your life together and are going where you want to be, rejection will barely scratch you.

gabriot · 2012-02-01T22:52:43+00:00

a scar should be something you learn from, not just a reminder of pain

2012-02-02T00:32:07+00:00

Channel the negative energy in a positive direction ~

idimmu · 2012-02-01T13:08:15+00:00

I think Style in The Game said it best with 'bang 10 other girls'

redditorfor16days · 2012-02-01T20:53:10+00:00

DON'T

TAEK

EET

PERSONALLY

U

FAT

FGGT

but seriously. don't take it personally. everyone you meet online is as stupid and self-involved as redditors.

EDIT: here's a much more helpful response i wrote. keep your chin up, you skinny fuck.

Title	Rejection issues - Inability to be desensitized
Author	anony6464
Upvotes	16
Comments	36
Date	February 1, 2012 8:41 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/p5x39/rejection_issues_inability_to_be_desensitized/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/rejection-issues-inability-to-be-desensitized.1327735 https://theredarchive.com/post/1327735

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