Does having a big heart mean weakness or strength?

sharkacolypse · 2013-11-27T17:49:31+00:00

I think if you feel like you have to be cold or apathetic, you're not reading these posts right or you aren't reading the right posts. In attracting a girl, I try to never come off as cold. I realize that something like "outcome independence" may sound like indifference, but it's merely allowing yourself to have fun no matter what happens. It's not letting yourself get down because you didn't hook up with the cutest girl at the party.

My most successful method in attracting girls is simple: talk to them like a friend and physically escalate. I make her laugh and make her have as much fun as I'm having. Then I touch her hand or arm. You don't have to use a routine or a script.

"Negging" could be seen as very cold, but I think when it's talked about it's mostly talked about wrong. It really shouldn't be a put-down - all that shows is that you're good at being an asshole, which, in my case, can become blatantly apparent without put-downs or back handed compliments. When I think of "negging", I think more of how I "neg" my guy friends, which is usually thought of as "giving them shit" and not "negging". So I give girls shit in a similar way. Tease her about something in a playful way. Sarcasm works wonders if you know how to do it right. The key thing to remember is that it's a joke, so say it with a smile and some appropriate touching.

tl;dr: Sounds like you aren't building sexual attraction, do this by touching as you show how much fun you are.

AnalyticalMuffin · 2013-11-27T17:41:17+00:00

You don't need to be cold, you need to have a sense of humor that transcends into sexual desire. If negging or shit tests are what you feel are "cold" then you're not doing them right. You are just being confident and you refuse to put a woman you want to have sex and/or be friends with on a pedestal so to speak. I too have a lot empathy and tend to show it. But there are times when it's really just overbearing and annoying. You should know this. So when you recognize a time where cracking a joke would be way more engaging and fun (for you and the girl) then do that, instead of playing white knight.

EDIT: and let's be clear, you are not trying to be an asshole ever. A smartass? Sometimes. A tough negotiator? Sometimes. But an asshole? No. An asshole is an asshole. No ethics, little to no respect for others unless threatened or it serves him, throws emotions on onto others, is arrogant, etc etc Having a big heart can actually help you because you are very good at reading emotions (or atleast I would think you would be) At the very least you'd be able to tell when someone is having a good or bad time engaging with you or other people.

And I made a few assumptions of you in this so if I'm off mark I apologize.

How's all that make you think?

delinquentme · 2013-11-27T18:39:29+00:00

weakness or strength

It depends WHERE the heart comes from.

Weakness: You think that with enough niceness someone will eventually bang/love you.

Strength: People go through tons of shit on the day to day, so you see no reason not to make their lives better.

chattymcgee · 2013-11-27T18:15:31+00:00

This stuff is not about determining what kind of steak you are. It is about finding the best way to present the steak. If you are lacking in success perhaps you need a new plate, better sides and a buttered roll. But nobody will tell you that you should be anything but a medium rare ribeye if that is what you are.

nobody2000 · 2013-11-27T22:40:09+00:00

It depends on what you do with that heart.

When you have an affectionate heart toward others - help them out monetarily, make sure they're "okay" in the sense that they have a ride, they have a drink in their hands even though they're broke - stuff like that, you run the risk of looking too convenient and passive.

Why? I'm not sure, but part of it might be any of the following:

You don't really have any substance other than you give a lot - i.e. a pushover
You're hanging around people who simply see you as convenient
People may think that you're only giving in order to get something - they like the favors, but they worry that you're doing favors and hoping to get paid in friendship and sex

Now, on the other side of the coin is the big hearted, selfless philanthropic quality. This is the dude that looks out for others like I mentioned earlier, but he's also spending 2-3 hours a week volunteering at the soup kitchen, he participates in the big brother/big sister program, or something like that.

Now, while you should do these things selflessly, people eventually find out that you're this type of person. It's attractive. So when you open your heart to the world like this, people feel privileged when you do the same for them - they're happy that even though you spend so much time caring for others (an amazing trait to have), you still have some left, and they're thrilled you're spending it on them.

Suddenly, your love is scarce. It's like a diamond. In the former scenario, your love is given freely, and it's not so rare and valuable, and in fact, might come with a caveat.

HappyJerk · 2013-11-27T18:58:34+00:00

First of all, I am suspicious of anybody who says they have a "big heart" because who the fuck says that about themselves. Most people who say they have a "big heart" are douchebags that are projecting their own insecurity about how much of an asshole they are. I don't know you OP, but I highly doubt you are as great of a guy as you think you are.

That said, there is nothing wrong with being a nice person. But there is no reason to be irrationally nice to a girl who you don't know very well and hasn't done anything for you. Also, you may not realize it, but when you are being "nice" to a girl it is actually your dick subconsciously doing little shitty favors for her so it can get sex. Think about it this way: would you be "nice" if she wasn't hot? Would you be "nice" to her if you weren't getting any sex? If not, then you're not being "nice" - you're being a disingenuous fucktard. And girls know this. Guys are constantly being "nice" to girls and then one day out of nowhere they're like "hey how come you won't fuck me!!!" That's terrifying and creepy for girls.

The rules of human interaction are that you should only be "nice" to people and do things for people that will return the favor and are nice to you. If they won't, then you're not being nice, you're being taken advantage of.

I have never had a girlfriend at the age of 25, which shows that am doing something wrong.

I have never met you, but I would bet a million dollars that what you think is "nice" behavior actually comes off as creepy and aggressive and disingenuous.

kingcal · 2013-11-28T03:18:20+00:00

It's often said that "nice guys finish last". Don't confuse being a "nice guy" with being kind. "Nice guys" are just people who aren't comfortable expressing how they feel, so they engage in "nice" behavior. They are willing to do anything to please a girl because they think that's the only way they'll attract her. It's deceitful and manipulative, and the end result is that they inevitably get rejected and then get mad at the girl because they're such a "nice guy". They think they're owed something.

You can be a kind person and do things out of general concern for people's well-being. That's an attractive trait. Just don't be a "nice guy".

zfolwick · 2013-11-27T21:24:14+00:00

girls will not like you because you're nice. You were raised weren't you? of course you're fucking socially acceptable. It's expected!

What women want is... fuck man, who the hell knows what women want. Sometimes they just want to get laid. Hard.

I do know that women want men who are emotionally secure- "like a rock" or something stupid like that. All I know is that the second I've shown any vulnerability to women I am in a relationship with, they vanish. It's like magic.

Sorry dude, but you're a lot like me, which means you'll end up bitter and alone (I say this as a guy coming from a 5 year LTR, and a string of failed flings and relationships after).

A lot of people are judging you in this thread, but the bottom line is that in my time in the dating world, I've yet to find a genuinely warm-hearted woman who's worth my time, and after having a kid with my ex-wife, I'm more like that Louis CK bit about him going to the bar- I just chuckle at the women there and go "what the fuck are you trying to accomplish here?" A lot of the advice on this sub essentially makes the man want to be attractive to the women out there, but I've come to realize that most of the personalities of the women out there aren't that attractive enough to bother. Not a problem if you're just looking for sex, but a huge problem if you're looking for a meaningful connection.

FittersGuy · 2013-11-27T18:34:30+00:00

Sounds like you just need to learn how to not let people walk all over you. I'm the same by nature and as soon as I grew a backbone and stopped putting up with the shit people threw at me life got a lot better.

But, use that to your benefit when talking to women. A lot of them can smell the douchebags out from a mile away, you're still going to have a chance with these beauties. Just make them laugh and learn to touch without being given express permission.

2013-11-27T18:44:18+00:00

There's a big difference between being nice and being a pushover. Most girls aren't actually attracted to assholes and cold/indifferent people; they want someone with confidence.

Being nice to girl will actually get you far, you just need to set boundaries for what you deem acceptable. For example, you mentioned helping others. You can help a girl as much as you want, but if she takes advantage of this/doesn't do anything in return you have to call her out on it.

MatterMind · 2013-11-28T00:25:14+00:00

Having a big heart means you pump a larger volume of blood, but will probably die younger.

Weakness and Strength cannot exist without the other, so it is both. But it is how you use it.

Something I'm learning as I may be similar in the "loving, open and help others" sense, is that I gave to Everyone. It didn't matter if they wee an asshole, scumag or bitch. Not just women, but everyone. I realize now it wasn't selfless. I wanted approval, Its how I learned to adapt in my childhood to my emotionally unstable mother and passive dad after their divorce. I had to shapeshift to not ruffle any feathers and be safe. Ultimately never really discovering who I am and what I like because I was always so concerned about others needs and wants.

Now. I'm a damn good friend and that is rare in this day and age and I can take pride in that. However, it is a weakness to give it to those undeserving. I'm allowed to have boundaries and guidelines, I'm allowed to be dick if someone crosses a line and I'm allowed to put my foot down when somethings not acceptable to me. Not everyone's going to like it and typically women will throw a temper tantrum when they don't get to act how they please and may call me an asshole or a dick, but that is not what I am.

the_brick_attack · 2013-11-28T02:34:03+00:00

The honest truth from a guy who is mostly in a similar situation as a man in the church is that you want to be a very good man to people. There is nothing wrong with that.

Truthfully, it's all about building the ability to tease in a way that is not mean, but viewed as obvious teasing. A way where she knows that you do not genuinely mean anything mean.

The other thing is escalating physically. This does not mean you have to go for a quick lay. I don't even like that myself. I actually would like to save as much of myself as possible for marriage, but I have to be comfortable with that. This transitions into the most likely thing that is happening:

Stop putting that one girl you keep meeting on a pedestal. Stop putting every girl on a pedestal as it happens when you're nice and actually want to do good for people. You know you're a good man and a lot of people don't see that. However, as a result of this behavior, we good men commonly put a cute girl talking to us on a pedestal. If she isn't calling you back, stop texting and calling altogether. If she's not interested, she's not for you.

I'm a teacher and my job educating the future comes much before a girl. If she doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm a teacher, an MMA fighter, a living liver donor, have had a big time author come to my school by my scheduling, that my I could practically start a Hitler youth because my students love me that much, and have a general likability, she isn't worth my time. If she can't appreciate that stuff, she's the one who is cold.

I imagine you've done great things, do great things, and will do great things. The point is to live with the knowledge that you kick ass and people like you. If a girl can't recognize that, she's cold, not you. Keep living your life, escalate a little bit physically, and have a fun time. You don't have to be cold. I imagine a lot of it is the pedestal thing. I recently got over that. It's tough. You're a good man and you know it.

Afeni02 · 2013-11-28T17:00:57+00:00

Before I got into seddit, I used to be "apathetic, cold, and indifferent"

After I read everything on here and applied it, I became " loving, open, help others without expecting anything, nice to everyone without conditions" but with humor, and no where near a "nice guy" or an AFC

joshsway · 2013-11-27T18:30:07+00:00

No this is wrong. I wrote about this in my last mailing list letter. You have to be SEXUAL to succeed. This is not mutually exclusive with being loving, open, helping others, nice, etc.

Harmonic_Minor_Shred · 2013-11-28T03:16:43+00:00

A big heart is a STRENGTH if you are GENUINE.

Seduction is not about being cold, it's about fun. sharkacolypse has a good response

1vibe · 2013-11-27T18:40:59+00:00

Strength!

I love love love love my girls, all of them, truly madly deeply (ok, really just 2 Main. Squeezes)

Love thee one ur with like she's your soul mate. At all times during the interaction, approach to close.

It's freaking awesome.

I think other guys do it differently, but that's not me:))

PS - hahahaters:)

Title	Does having a big heart mean weakness or strength?
Author	limpboy
Upvotes	21
Comments	30
Date	November 27, 2013 5:05 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1rkymb/does_having_a_big_heart_mean_weakness_or_strength/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/does-having-a-big-heart-mean-weakness-or-strength.1362186 https://theredarchive.com/post/1362186

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