26 YO Virgin, new to game, fear of escalating / closing.

Dantilli · 2014-02-11T16:19:10+00:00

Honestly, just fucking do it.

your problem is lack of reference experience, simple as that and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Just lower your expectations. You know that once you've done it once you'll be just fine right? once you have that first experience then most of this will go away. So you just have to push through it, just like your first approach.

In fact, this is almost exactly like your first approaches don't you think? do you not remember standing there in a club like a deer in the headlights terrified of talking to a girl? look at where you are now. Treat this situation as the same, it's just one more barrier and not even a bad one. If you're that worried TELL her you're a virgin, let it be known fairly early. OWN the fact and instead of it becoming a limiting belief it will become your strength.

If you're really worried, look up actual sex advice. Learn what you're getting yourself into and what you should be focussing on. My best advice for this is to make sure you communicate, me sure you tell each other what feels good and what doesn't.

You know what it was like to try and teach yourself that you're awesome and you are entitled to go and speak to any women you want, right? You know how to give yourself permission to fail when talking in order that you have a chance at succeeding. Do the same here, give yourself permission to have the worst most awkward sex ever AND LEARN FROM IT.

Hope this helps :)

LxBru · 2014-02-11T17:10:26+00:00

For me at least, the problem was that I viewed virginity as something super special (how I was raised, family, etc). And I would always mess things up because I would think things like, is this the right girl, will I regret doing this with this girl, and things like that. When in reality, it's not that big of a deal.

Justsayhey · 2014-02-11T18:24:08+00:00

I'm a 25 year old dude who just got laid for the first time this past December.

I met this girl in September. I don't know game, but I tried hard to keep my lack of experience low key. We met up 3 times, every time in my bedroom no less. I was always afraid to escalate but when I did it just kind of ramped up fast on its own. She stopped me twice and would ask everytime if that was was ok.

"We're both adults. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Third time we met up at my place, went to a dim-lit lounge and talked, got flirty, ran back to my place and shagged. I wasn't insecure. I didn't care I was naked. I just made love to her body. I touched and played and laughed and grunted and everything was fine.

I think insecurity and lack of experience make the situation seem daunting but there really isn't too technical about it. Once you're kissing you just kind of go there. For me the hardest part is still just kissing her again, and I've already had sex with her. She also makes it a point to tell me everytime we meet we're not having sex. This last time she told me that as she was taking my pants off.

I find perspective gives me perspective. Relax, clearly you're capable of gaming. Girls like you and they want to be liked. This has been my expeience.

Coz7 · 2014-02-11T16:05:21+00:00

Go as far as you can until the girl rejects you. I mean, literally try to get a far as you can until she's fed up with you. I did that, the girl will never want me around again (so do this with someone you just meet or someone you don't care much about) but I figured out how far I could go, and how to work around it.

So just as practice, try to go as far as you can, and while chances are that you WILL fuck up when escalating / closing, you'll figure out how to do it with the next girls.

damnit_darrell · 2014-02-11T19:38:35+00:00

I'm going to throw in a different perspective to add something to the discussion. OP, have you considered that you have a different view on sex then many of the subscribers here? While I'm not dogging on casual sex (which is hella fun), it's not for everyone.

Lots and lots of people need some sort of emotional connection to a person before they engage in that stuff and I personally prefer that to casual sex. I'm not saying you're like that OP, but I wouldn't rule it out. Have you posted to /r/sex yet? If not I would, because they're generally a good group to talk to about all things hanky panky related.

Might I suggest finding a girl you're interested in as a bit more than a one time thing, going out for coffee a couple times, dinner a couple times and take it slow. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much you enjoy that.

2014-02-11T18:08:37+00:00

The thing I discovered recently is asking myself "Will this be fun?" when in doubt. Well, sex is fun, so what the fuck are you doing mang

fatlace · 2014-02-12T03:22:54+00:00

Find some girl you like.

Fall in love with her.

Lose your virginity to her.

Have her break your heart.

You won't have this problem again.

time_and_again · 2014-02-11T19:30:07+00:00

I had the same problem for the longest time. I was 25 before I made it happen for real. It was textbook: third date, my place, sex, done. I didn't tell her I was a virgin and you know what? I don't think she noticed. She was way more preoccupied with her own performance and it wasn't until things were heating up on the next date that I told her. At that point, it just got her more into it.

So finding the right girl helps, but don't worry so much about your performance. She'll probably be more self-conscious than you are. And don't feel like you have to tell her beforehand.

Verlier · 2014-02-11T22:05:31+00:00

Dude, if you must go with a hooker (if it's legal in wherever you live), and practice, lots of practice.

ALWAYS USE A CONDOM, and most important, be happy :)

Don_Magic_Juan · 2014-02-12T05:31:24+00:00

Seriously, pay a hooker to have sex with you. Never tell anyone. When you're fucking, try to hold off on cumming as long as you can. Find a girl that will fuck you for free. Practice fucking with her and you will be good my nigga

samnadine · 2014-02-11T21:16:10+00:00

Short answer: pay a hooker and get over it. Nobody cares about their first time.

If you get anxious for your time with a girl take half pill of Viagra.

xzak · 2014-02-11T21:57:16+00:00

instead killed the fly with my hands

Jesus christ, OP..

BoberJr · 2014-02-11T19:58:27+00:00

realize what is behind it when youll get it you ll be free

XionGuard · 2014-02-11T20:13:56+00:00

The longer you wait, the harder it becomes. Talking to girls is fun, so go out there and have fun! This isn't a chore.

2014-02-11T21:07:30+00:00

Just try to listen to your body, homie. You'll do fine. When you think it's gunna happen and it's time to pull the trigger - that's the only time to listen to your dick and not your mind. Qualifier: for you, OP - in your situation - for now. Worry about performance later, just break the ice now.

2014-02-11T21:38:15+00:00

Try not to stress about it when yall start making out. A lot of hooking up is just being comfortable in the way you touch your girl. If everything feels good and natural then you're probably already doing better than 85% of guys. Ive had sex a gazillion times and I still fumble around sometimes when I'm putting my dick in a girl. It happens. I know you've never done it before, but I promise once you're there it'll come naturally as long as everything leading up to it does

Edit: wanted to add after seeing some comments; OP, please dont result to seeing a prostitute. The problem is completely in your head. Paying a prostitute to fuck you is completely counterproductive to why you are into seduction in the first place.

Alphalfajuice · 2014-02-11T23:27:57+00:00

I'm 18 in the game, started at 17. I have the same exact problem. I can get girls to want me but then I have a fear of closing. I'm not sure whether it's my values or just straight up fear. Side note: I Love the game and usually have lots of fun, just haven't closed.

2014-02-12T00:28:20+00:00

Don't worry, women won't know you're a virgin... From what I've heard, a lot of men are shite in bed, anyways.

2014-02-12T01:46:47+00:00

Heres the trick, pretend you have done it a million times before. Be confident. Don't be a pussy and dont be afraid of pussy.

2014-02-12T03:30:30+00:00

This kind of fear is just bullshit.

Its like when you first get in the pool, the water is cold as shit. So you can slowly lower yourself in like a bitch and be cold for 5 minutes, or you can jump in like a boss and get it over with and surprise! Youre not cold now because you're dick deep in some sweet velvety warm goodness.

Just do it, pussy.

you're the only thing holding you back

Terny · 2014-02-12T04:01:21+00:00

Get out of your comfort zone.

vehissu · 2014-02-12T04:48:46+00:00

Set a time limit (say 4 months) and if you haven't had sex by then, get yourself a good escort. You clearly have fears related to the PHYSICAL act of sex, and the only way through this is to get it over with. If you can't do it in 4 months then you won't do it in years, you just have to do the PHYSICAL act and the crippling anxiety/fear/panic will go away.

Seriously read whatever you want about "freedom from ego" and "get rejected on purpose" etc, just set a time limit. Don't waste your life a terrified virgin afraid of physical intimacy when you could break through that fear for a weeks pay with a few visits (max: 3) to an escort. Sometimes its best to avoid spending years trying to pick the lock when you can just break down the door today: you end up in the same place, so it doesn't matter.

iamjacksdesign · 2014-02-12T05:07:59+00:00

To me it sounds like you're simply overthinking that not only should this be natural, but if it's not then seduction techniques will help you. I don't buy into that philosophy entirely, and many guys on this sub don't either. Here's why: if you start overthinking a situation and getting nervous, it's not because of her (unless she's coked out of her mind or something, in which case RUN AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE!!) but it's because you lack the confidence to see it through. I've had plenty of embarrassing times with girls, and if you want my funny horror stories, pm me. I'd be happy to share. But what you need to realize is that everyone is different, there is no one way to do this, and while this board is here for encouragement, you need to get out there and do this for yourself BUT not to just simply get laid. The difference is that you're simply learning another way to socialize, it's not different than regular socializing, but it leads to different results. It takes time and effort, but really it boils down to you having confidence in yourself to know what you truly want.

One of the things that helped me was just being honest with myself on the end goal:

Was a wanting a girlfriend/sexual partner? Yes

What reason was I wanting one? ...sex? Not good enough. Love? Well, that's super clingy right off the bat. Companionship? Isn't that what friends are for? I guess I don't really know then...

When I realized I had no idea why I truly wanted the first part I concluded I didn't know enough about myself to fully commit to this cause, which then went from wanting to meet girls to figuring out who I am around people before I can figure out the reason for wanting the relationship (whatever it may be).

This is when my behavior changed, and in a good way. I wasn't going out of my way to meet girls, I was simply going out of my way to exist, have fun, and most importantly to LEARN. I knew well beforehand I couldn't get a girlfriend (or many male friends really) because I was lacking in confidence in myself. That realization sucked. So I just went out to learn to be in social environments and be comfortable. I naturally identify as an introvert but I do enjoy being around people. Large groups used to frighten me, but as I went to my local bar's AYCD every Thursday, I came to the realization everyone is out for themselves tonight, so I should be too. This wasn't a faking it till I made it thing either, it was just a snap-to decision that changed everything. Don't get me wrong, I love being around the company of cute, fun girls, but now I was more interested in enjoying my evening, finding the lines with people (sometimes crossing them) and in this way it became much easier to get to know people and share much more interesting and memorable experiences.

I also recently cut alcohol entirely out of the situation. I lost about 56lbs a year or so ago and, while I used to be a friggin tank, I am unable to finish a full bottle of Jack in a night like I used to do. In fact two beers gets me pretty loose, but I'd rather experience that naturally and be secure in my actions than make blundering mistakes, or as I did occasionally black out and ruin parties. Nobody wants to be that guy yet I totally was that awful guy, so until I can find that happy medium no more booze for me. The result? I have much better conversations with people who are drinking and am generally their night savior (food runs and such).

And for the record, first girl I finally was able to get with intimidated me so much I couldn't keep it up. At all. No booze at all in my system either (2 years before I stopped drinking). We still had fun that night in other ways and still see each other regularly. It is what you make of it.

My new/current goal at any event/bar/social things is to go out and have fun, try to make a couple of new friends if the opportunity arises (or fully enjoy the company of the ones I have around me) and help make the night fun for the everybody I'm with. If someone wants to join me for the fun I want to have, all the better, because people being closed off and exclusive sucks. Yes, sometimes you still run into the occasional jerk, but that's life. The better you are with yourself, the easier it is to make these situations less stressful. (Remember, if part of your group wants to do one thing and another something else, it's cool to pick sides. You'll still be friends tomorrow.)

Final tip, sex will never be perfect the first time with ANYBODY. It's probably going to suck because you don't know what each other likes, and asking questions is good, but too many can be annoying. Just explore and see what you both like, realize it's gonna suck initially, and everything gets better.

Now go out there and find out who you are, because then the ladies will find out too!

vehissu · 2014-02-12T13:26:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

blue_haze_mPUA · 2014-02-13T00:27:46+00:00

Hey buddy. If you need specific help, message me. I have trained a lot of guys on exactly what you are going through.

aalewis____ · 2014-02-11T23:05:02+00:00

more alcohol op, more alcohol

olblueeyes937 · 2014-02-12T14:02:09+00:00

You are a virgin because you are an asshole, point blank. Bailing on chicks because you got scared? Should have kept that story to yourself. Anybody not calling you out on it does not give 2 shits about you. Man Up! If you are scared, go to church. Don't play with people's emotions. You are setting yourself up for a lonely life. You are slowly building a reputation. Eventually you are going to be that guy if you don't get your shit together. Most important rule in life, BE HONEST!!!!! Don't be a pussy all of your life!!!! I know if it was my sister or mother that you bailed on in public, you wouldn't want to ever meet me. With that being said, I'll say it again, MAN UP! TELL THE TRUTH AT ALL TIMES! A women worth having will be attracted to you that much more for being honest. Women love virgins!!! Your Welcome!

Kirillb85 · 2014-02-11T17:54:38+00:00

Man the fuck up.

2014-02-12T07:39:24+00:00

Honestly it might be too late for you, 26 years old and no experience, also you are scared to be with women. You need to do a mental 180 or its game over

dafuqey · 2014-02-11T22:09:59+00:00

Ok... this may sound weird but I want you to go pick up girls to get rejected. In my opinion you didn't get rejected enough. I am not saying to become a douche. I want you to become comfortable being rejected because it is normal thing for guys to get rejected. Your state of mind should be like "Girl I like you and wanna spend time with you.. but if you dont like me I walk away without hesitation and I dont care what you think about me." Do this and you will get rejected less over time. One day you will find yourself not fearing being rejected anymore.

Edit: Music Festival is not good place to start cuz most ppl are on drugs which will not help your situation. I don't kno your height but you need to lose more weight for your own health. If you took martial art for several years and weighed over 150kg... I think you should stop taking martial art and start attending dance classes(hip hop dance or any upbeat one) 1 burn as much or more calories 2. more attractive women 3. more useful skills for your needs -it's better to become better dancer than better fighter.

Title	26 YO Virgin, new to game, fear of escalating / closing.
Author	vehissu
Upvotes	155
Comments	64
Date	February 11, 2014 3:37 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1xmaaj/26_yo_virgin_new_to_game_fear_of_escalating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/26-yo-virgin-new-to-game-fear-of-escalating.1365857 https://theredarchive.com/post/1365857

Comments