Externalizing everything still miss her

krazykanuck · 2024-04-03T22:11:18+00:00

I think i saw the same reel, and ya. Hit home for me too. Those fucking content creators get you dialed in! I think there was a subtle difference though; its not just about their inability to control their emotions, its that they dont own their role in them. Everything negative they feel they externalize a cause of. It creates situations that you are describing versus finding ways to process those emotions as separate to any external issues.

DaddyNoBux · 2024-04-03T20:35:35+00:00

Jesus, that first paragraph hit hard. My STBXW was exactly the same. A clean freak who would launch into a cleaning frenzy anytime she was stressed.

I cannot wait to get my own place and let my kids run riot. She doesn’t even let them jump on the couch.

MidniteOG · 2024-04-03T20:29:42+00:00

I feel you… we had out issues. Her confidence in appearance, being a mother, and keeping up with the hose….. I failed in those regards bc in my mind, all of that was such little concern. I knew she was a good mom, a good wife, but never re assured her.

But she also pushed me away. She would blame me when I physically couldn’t assist due to my work schedule. I pleaded with her about ignoring certain things so I could do them on my time, but me being gone 40/60 hours a week and her working from her allowed her the ability to do those tasks…

roshi-roshi · 2024-04-04T04:03:03+00:00

Man, this is so validating. Especially the changing narrative bit. Christ, that is so true. Maybe I need to make a list of things I won’t miss about her.

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-04-03T20:14:45+00:00

Your story sounds so similar to many others. I understand the problem with externalising and many women do it and fail to take responsibility for themselves. Some men do this too but we are talking about women here.

If you want to try to understand women then a YouTuber called Casey Zander produces content with top quality insights. He is not really my thing as he mostly focuses on dating advice for men, but his insights are very accurate. I am long past any desire to date.

I suspect most women would hate him because he is very good at what he does.

TheButcher2680 · 2024-04-03T16:27:54+00:00

I am noticing a trend that around the 10-15 year mark there are many marriages failing. Very similar reasons. Mine did the same thing, then got involved in an affair, i took her back twice and she refused to give it up while I worked on myself and eventually said when I caught her again, I am done and deserve better with confidence. I miss the old version of her, and that person is long gone.

Ok_Smile_60 · 2024-04-03T15:12:28+00:00

Very similar story. No kids, but she would blame me for the cats smell, haha, as if it was me who smelled.

Same, had a good life, she blew it up to chase dick

1555552222 · 2024-04-03T14:48:38+00:00

Hey man, I'm in a similar place and have similar thoughts. I think as men, we are looking at the situation logically and saying "it doesn't add up."

It's hard for me to wrap my head around how someone could not make life decisions without factoring in the logical side, but, especially if your wife was an externalizer, that's not how many women operate. They're operating on emotion first and then, second, on the narrative they've constructed to explain the decision to divorce that was made based on the emotions they were feeling at the time. Then, they need to stick to that decision to avoid being flakey, inconsistent, or admitting to making the wrong choice. This is why they'll repeat that narrative to themselves and others. It's a way to remind themselves and reassure themselves that they did the right thing. That narrative probably does not match up with your recollection of the relationship. It won't be fair, accurate, and balanced. It's a story that justifies their decision.

It is frustrating to be on the other side of that. I can't help but feel my ex will regret it one day, but I'm not so sure. If that story is never challenged, I don't see why it would ever change. And, if you try to challenge it, they just dig their heels in and come up with new justifications and storylines.

Fact is, and it's sooooooo unfortunate, modern society and marriage laws have allowed people to make decisions to divorce so easy, the decision can almost be made impulsively. There is no real concern about being alone and starting over. To me, it reflects a larger societal trend: If something breaks, you don't fix it. You throw it away and get a new one.

It's easier these days to just find someone new than stick with what you have and put in the work to fix what's broken and improve it.

It's a really, really tough pill to swallow for any man who was deeply invested in their marriage and the whole life that went along with that. For me, what helps is to focus on those things you listed in that first paragraph. She wasn't perfect and you also have complaints about how you were treated. Maybe take the same approach as her. Give yourself a narrative you can repeat to yourself.

"I don't want to be with someone who does not take vows and commitments seriously. Someone who bails when things get tough."

"She took her emotions out on me. She did not appreciate me. No matter what I did, it was never going to be enough."

Etc.

Basically, do what she did to you but make sure it's accurate.

Title	Externalizing everything still miss her
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	23
Comments	30
Date	April 3, 2024 2:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1buu009/externalizing_everything_still_miss_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/externalizing-everything-still-miss-her.1513929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513929

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