School Functions with Ex Wife

Whole-Spiritual · 2024-05-15T05:04:13+00:00

This is one of my fears too. I still don’t get it. Do you want her back or not? If not then I’d get my mind on other things, helps me.

Psydequest · 2024-05-15T01:37:31+00:00

Here's the thing. This isn't about going back.

Even if everything worked perfectly and we both wanted it there is no going back. This is about the horrible feelings of familiarity, friendship, shared experience, and a life we built together to live together as we have a child together coupled with the hate, animosity, and damage we have caused one another that make these interactions so confusing and difficult. It's not that I think she's too good to replace or one in a million, she's one of one, she's the mother of my child, there is no replacing her and she will be in my life as long as we are alive. And this wasn't some fling, I miss the dogs, the house, the furniture, the yard, her family was my family and having almost none of my own that was a loss as great as her, our restaurants and vacation spots, our walks, our favorite meals, all the things that make no sense as a single person and were unique to her and I, not something to be copy/pasted on the next person, everything we shared is gone too. I'm not one to put people completely behind me, she'll always be a big part of my story and she is unique. All people are. I could have a new relationship and be happy again and I will, but I am in no rush. I'm still mourning and I'm not trying to make that someone else's problem. I'm a disabled/retired Vet, my non-kid days are nothing more than fucking with my jeep, hitting the beach, taking the boat out, 3-4 hours every evening in the gym. I am free and enjoy my time with little responsibility otherwise.. I'd prefer to be at home with my wife, but I don't have one and we aren't those people anymore. It's about being stuck wanting what will never be and never was when confronted with her and the things we would be sharing in that life. I am self aware and emotionally intelligent. Knowing what's best, that I need to move on and come to terms and stop fantasizing doesn't make that happen and this cannot be forced, it's not a decision, it's a process. Seeing her is devastating all over again every time. I appreciate the suggestions but really I was hoping to hear others shared this struggle and that's what helped me the most. That I am not totally alone in having these feelings. The best I can do is hope we can find a way to communicate to make these many years to come easier on our daughter and us as co-parents. I don't have any illusions about this being some kind of reunion story. But that is part of the fantasy, and the confusion. I just have to keep going until it sinks in far enough or stops hurting as much to be able to start over. And that will take much more time than I originally anticipated. Knowing I'm not alone in this madness is extremely comforting and very reassuring. It never fails to amaze me how almost 3 years after a split and we still feel together whenever we stand close to one another. It's just fucking hard. That's all. No solution needed. It's just hard.

We started talking today after our daughters class and ended up laughing about all kinds of memories. Funny stuff, good stuff, we laughed, we looked at each other and smiled. I wouldn't be surprised if we both had visible "wtf" thought bubbles hovering above us. And it all comes back like, we had it made, we were happy as shit, we both made shitty shortsighted decisions and we were both too stubborn to slow down and think and realize what was at stake and continued to become more and more jaded and miserable and now here we are. And it's all fucking gone and there's nothing anyone can do about it and it sucks. Oh fucking well.

And if we didn't have a kid none of this would apply. A walking reminder of us, each other, our previous life together and our potential life together. We would be gone from each other's lives forever, instead we will see each other constantly until one of us or our daughter dies. Yay.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-05-14T16:43:08+00:00

hey /u/Ok-Two-3103 this is pertinent to your other post

MidniteOG · 2024-05-15T00:29:47+00:00

I too hate this much. And I didn’t even make this decision, but she can walk around like everything’s fine, and wants to me “amicable” even tho she cheated. I mean damn, what a load of hurt I have to endure everytime I see her ghost that haunts me at custody exchanges

her_dog_is_odd · 2024-05-14T22:05:02+00:00

Just wait til she brings her new husband and introduces him to the teachers. I’ve learned to jump in first.

Do what everyone’s saying and work on yourself. Don’t give her any mental real estate.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-05-14T20:46:45+00:00

every time I see her, which is 4 times a week and I think about what could be if I was able to talk to her and maybe move forward again.

If you're not already doing it consider a 2-2-5-5 with one dropping at school and the other picking up. You'll then only see her on holidays (when its no school), school breaks, and summer day transitions.

When they are teens you could move to 7-7 with exchanges on school days as well

LESS CONTACT MAKES A DIFFERNECE

stent00 · 2024-05-14T20:27:14+00:00

Sounds like you've divorced and still have a case of one itis... shes one of a million . Pick one. Pining on what could of been is futile... perhaps tell her your feelings if you can't get over it. You might not want to know her response.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-05-14T18:24:41+00:00

I agree. I went to register my daughter for kindergarten and her mom showed up. It was the first time we'd spent any time in a room other than a court in years. I accidentally called her "babe" to get her attention. I literally went home and threw up from the stress of it all, because I want to kiss her and then knock her teeth out. The emotional turmoil is sickening.

KillerUndies · 2024-05-14T16:09:48+00:00

You're hanging on to the nostalgia.

It's tough, I get it. I'm in the same boat too. And then I remember she's dating someone else and it just makes me sick.

What has helped me is just go grey rock. Yeah, it's nice for the kid to see their parents getting along and doing things together at their functions, but if it gets to the point where you feel like you're disrespecting yourself, or in your case, you think about what could have been (this happens to me, too) put up some boundaries.

Mine are:

-Don't call me directly unless it's an emergency. The sound of her voice puts me in a tailspin and I get super depressed. Text or email only.

-Change her contact in your phone to something else. It's helps with acceptance.

-Remove photos of her wherever you have/keep them.

-Go to the kids events, but sit separately. You need minimal contact as much as possible.

Hope this helps. Its gonna hurt and some days are better than others.

Reflog1791 · 2024-05-14T16:06:06+00:00

Play golf, get buff, get haircut, buy new clothes.

Make the best of it.

Move on and let your ex wife go. You’re living in a make believe fantasy land.

Use the time when you don’t have your kid to make your life awesome.

I followed these steps and I legitimately would not trade places with anyone on earth, certainly not random couples at the elementary school. I’m gonna go hit the driving range, get some work done, then play golf this afternoon. None of those happily married guys can say the same.

Title	School Functions with Ex Wife
Author	Psydequest
Upvotes	15
Comments	18
Date	May 14, 2024 2:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cru0g6/school_functions_with_ex_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/school-functions-with-ex-wife.1518492 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518492

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