My wife is undiagnosed BPD + NPD, we have a kid. I really want to leave but I love my kid. What is the best thing I can do for my kid? Looking for a divorce playbook

NothingIsEverEnough · 2025-01-02T00:12:02+00:00

You’ve received good advice. If you plan on going down the divorce route, make sure the kiddo is in individual therapy for a few months before you break the news to the spouse.

Shit can go south real quick

BatGuano52 · 2025-01-01T07:36:21+00:00

First and foremost, ensure that you and your daughter are safe and make decisions based on ensuring that.

1) DO NOT mention BPD, NPD, personality disorder etc to anyone besides your attorney, your close friends and family.

And most importantly, do not mention it to her.

2) Get Bill Eddie's book "Splitting", it's the "playbook" you're looking for as far as how to deal with her and what to expect from her.

3) Get on the BPDloves subreddit (that may not be the exact name, but search BPD in reddit and you'll see it). A lot of people there who have been through what you're going tp, so lots of advice on how to handle things and support.

4) Get an attorney, get everything in place and ready to file. If you are 100% certain you're going to file, then figure out when and where you're going to have her served and then execute.

5) Search "Grey Rock Method" and learn to use it. Be as non-confrontational as possible, it will not only help in dealing with her, it will make it clear to a judge that you are trying to defuse the situation, not antagonize it. That's what they want to see.

6) Ideally, consult your attorney before you make any changes to the living arrangements but first and foremost, ensure that you and your daughter are safe.

7) Document , document, document and, if legally possible or actual abuse is happening, record audio and/or video. In California, written notes you make at the time or immediately after describing the situation are admissible as documentation.

8) As you already said, she will try to hoover you, repeatedly, be prepared for it.

9) Expect her to agree to things and then reneg, so get everything in writing with her.

Get a custody order in place as soon as possible, make that your first priority.

Good luck

henrysmyagent · 2025-01-01T03:32:10+00:00

Is there a good looking guy in your friend group you can convince to take her off your hands?

There is nothing like New Relationship Energy to get a woman to abandon you in favor of a brand new life with another dude.

Then she can direct all of her attention and love on to her next victim...whoops, I mean her next partner.

CalmAd548 · 2024-12-31T17:16:51+00:00

Unless she is clinically diagnosed with BPD then you should stop calling her BP.

soontobesolo · 2024-12-31T10:16:35+00:00

Playbook: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/WypR3cYycS

Good luck.

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-12-31T07:56:45+00:00

Therapy: You wife may have deep wounds from her childhood like rape etc. And child rape is pretty much a pandaro box for all mental issues. In case of doubt, just ask her bluntly & watch her eyes movement & expression as she is bugging & try to comprehend how could u know & pause or look away.
But normally just by letting her speak with therapist should make her ready to split the bean on her own.
I know someone like you who manage to cool down her anger by 70% by pushinhher in therapy so each week she peel a mental onion layer of her BS/anger with the therapist & calm back more calmer each time.

Lawyer her yesterday & dont move out yet as she seem to be a functionnal BPD unless u mention she was already violent: insult, giant tantrum, throwing object, hitting you etc

Silver Bullet: Wih her mental issues, You are at risk of false accusations once she knows about the Silver Bullet Divorce

Document everything. Keep records of all interactions, medical document about her mental issues,and incidents, including dates, times, and any witnesses. Save texts, emails, and take photos/videos of any property damage.
Child car: Document all your involvement in childcare, school activities, etc.

⚠️DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE⚠️ unless divorce 99% finished is the general rule as it impact a lot your finance & custody. Here is why. Only exception is in case of risk of false accusation. You have to compound that.

Serving first: Once ready, go to a laywer (ie links below ), serve her first but either with a witness or record it just in case she do not snap & go berserk & call the cop on you that moment or self hurt her & than call them.
Some todos before saying the D word : digital helmet,& more tips (protect account, house inventory etc)

NoLeather3109 · 2024-12-31T05:22:36+00:00

I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. I filed for divorce when she threatened to leave with our daughter. (1 year old). My work reputation got destroyed and I ended up quitting, lost a number of friends due to her lies as well. Got raked over the coals during the divorce and lost in almost every way as she lied in court. I was so emotionally beaten up by her I wasn’t able to talk about it for years and wasn’t able to defend myself or my daughter well. She continues to go after me now almost five years later and is intent on alienating my daughter and preventing me from seeing her. I spend thousands a year in ongoing court costs and when she’s upset we got back to court on BS abuse allegations from her. I’ve never not had at least 1 pending court date since and typically 2. I don’t see this ending for another 13 years.

Now on the positive - I have peace in my life. I have a new job where I make double what I used to. I have new friends and a new partner. My daughter loves me and my partner and when I have her, I am the dad that I want to be, not the shell of a man id become. I have serious doubts that I’d still be alive if I was with that woman. I was able to buy a home and it’s all mine. She’s still miserable and hates her life, but that’s on her.

My heat breaks every 2 weeks after a weekend with my daughter, and she’s being manipulated heavily by her mother. I do what I can and she’s got a safe home twice a month and for the summer. It’s honestly more than I could do for her while living with her mother.

It was hell getting out, I suffered more than ever in my life, but I found my measure. I am proud of what I have accomplished since. I am proud of my daughter and I have the strength to support her and fight her mother now. I would not change this for the world. I was so scared to leave, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the best thing I could have done.

There is no helping a bpd person. Get out in any way you can. It will be worth it - I promise you.

Camping_Dad_RC · 2024-12-31T04:58:34+00:00

Cameras in the house isn’t gonna happen. Read “Splitting” so you have an idea of the nightmare to expect in family court.

Asset split is unlikely to deviate from how your state laws dictate they should - likely 50/50.

She won’t want to split up until the BPD episode triggers her fear of abandonment and she splits on you and the NPD causes a narcissistic collapse and injury…then…discard and all bets are off.

Even knowing the absolute hell you would be initiating, I’d encourage leaving. Staying is far worse for your daughter than staying. There will be a ton of terrible realities you will need to accept, but the peace…oh the sweet blissful joy of peace…worth all the torment and suffering for both you and your daughter.

Intelligent-Bed-4149 · 2024-12-31T04:23:24+00:00

The playbook is called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

Anon198712 · 2024-12-31T04:20:57+00:00

Read the book Splitting. Have a very solid plan and stick to that plan. Have your living situation figured out before you tell her you're leaving. Be prepared for her to use your kid to manipulate you. Create a timeline of events document and write absolutely everything down that has happened and what is happening through the divorce process. After the divorce gets going, don't let your foot off the gas pedal. Stay assertive and aggressive if necessary.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2024-12-31T04:20:38+00:00

I doubt you would get cameras installed in a house you don’t live in. You might as well take full custody if you are concerned. What about outside the house?

There’s no playbook, imo, but I’m no expert. If you can get it to be her idea and that you are a bad partner maybe then you can get away clean. It’s easier if they feel like they are in control, the one that left you. Because how dare you leave them.

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