How do you process the memories?

Personal_Signal_6151 · 2025-02-20T20:22:50+00:00

Had to learn to detach and grey rock.

xjeeperx · 2025-02-20T17:29:52+00:00

Remember for every good memory there’s several dozen bad ones. Works for me…

Impressive_Camel_151 · 2025-02-18T21:24:22+00:00

For me I had to tell myself the woman I married was dead. She was to me anyway. That still works for me after 3 yrs. I don’t talk to her now because, why would I call a stranger? Believe me it was hard, the sooner you can get past the memories the better.

Striking-Cod1089 · 2025-02-18T18:23:31+00:00

I built a brick wall. My ex and I are on different paths.

I really think the answer is shutting the relationship completely down to heal. It's been two years for me. Who knows what the future holds. But for now, it's time to learn how to live solo again. So far, it's been going great.

regertsrus · 2025-02-18T12:58:39+00:00

My X is a malignant and pathological liar. Still today 3 years later. I threw our marriage cert into the garbage. I smelter my gold wedding band and made a chain hung pendant out of it. I started dating and went out with a "bang". Unfortunatley i did not proccess the self imposed loss of kids well. Took me a few years and alot of luck to claw them back 50%. I processed the loss of my wife well because i found another woman who treats me like royalty. I never got this before so i am on cloud 9. Those memories got replaced right quick when another woman showed me context of how I was and how it should be.

aquatic-dreams · 2025-02-18T09:24:49+00:00

I was a fucked up mess for a while, healing isn't linear. And I lost more than most while having a few extras tossed on the the pile, so I struggled more than I think most do and for a bit longer.

The whole 'processing' for me was way different than what I assumed. It's not so much about processing, that happens on it's own later on. And it sometimes is rough and takes you back a few steps. But you don't process stuff on purpose, you deal and move forward.

And the first thing you do is you change up the house. Change the yard, add a shed, repaint, change everything around. It's finally fucking yours, do whatever you want to it and claim it as yours. Not a once ours, fuck that. It's yours. Change it. Set it up for you. Hate the off white walls, change them. Take a painting class to get out of the house and around people and at the same time make new shit for your walls.

Don't think about how you process the memories. A small part of your brain is a dick. And it repeats shit over and over. That's all it does. And a lot of those memories of her, it's just that part of your brain doing it's thing. You can train it to repeat whatever you want, that's the whole point of affirmations. Start with changing the thing that bugs you the most, start with it's opposite as an affirmation.

The only way to deal with the bad shit, is to feel it. Sit with it. Don't fight it. Don't run from it. But don't obsess on it either. The trick is to focus on the physical sensations those thoughts cause. Feel them. Is it tight? Where? Is it moving? What does it feel like? What color is it? Sit with and feel the physical sensations for 30 seconds. And then let them free. If you are tight, using your thoughts and feel the tenseness lessen. Feel it fade away. And relax that part of your body. Let the physical sensation slowly leave you. And then even focus on something you have to do right now. Or describe an item in the room in detail, to connect you to the present moment.

That's what you do. You feel the shit when it comes up. You let it go, and you try and stick to the present moment. The other is the past. There are lessons there to be learned. They will hit you randomly, there is no need to dwell or fuck yourself looking for answers, they will come on their own in time. Until then, it's the past, leave it there and get on with living.

Rollercoaster72 · 2025-02-18T06:21:47+00:00

I was 25 years together with my ex-wife. It’s hard to forget. I still have a hard time with some things lost. But I try to see it from a distance. Looking at myself as a person who goes through things. Realise that feelings are just feelings you experience but are very subjective. From every angel they look differently, and all people make mistakes.

I try to see the feelings of the past as memories I experienced but ones that are not here anymore, so why not look at my feelings now and looking forward to the future.

Some say one should look at the positive feelings and forget the rest. But for she played an act and still plays one I do get to see them with the marking “fake”. That’s quite negative. So I put them all in a cupboard named: lost time, people make mistakes. And try to make out the best of today.

One can start the day and think of something positive which will happen and you are looking forward to. That might joy in the days back. Those can be little things.

Meditation helps. Here you can practice seeing things from a distance and just be the observer of your life.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2025-02-18T04:14:39+00:00

Archives, brother. Pack them up and store them carefully in the archives.

A lot of people think you have to be either enemy or friend; at our age, we know it's a lot less simple than that. We loved who she was, those moments being a family together, those wild times before there even was a family.

Pack up those mental photos and wrap them well. Feel free to pull them out of storage any time that suits you.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2025-02-18T03:13:18+00:00

4 yrs divorced here was 45 at the time. You can only "live" with those memories, and I can tell you, eventually, they will still be there as time passes but not as much. Ironically, my ex and I started back up, and i see why we divorced. Stay single, my friends...

Heyokalol · 2025-02-18T03:07:45+00:00

You don't. You just learn to live with them.

fewdo · 2025-02-18T02:35:32+00:00

I still don't know what "processing" is. I've googled, I've asked people, I've asked therapists...

THX1138-22 · 2025-02-19T12:46:11+00:00

Think of your ex as someone who has died; the version of your ex walking around town now is a different person. For those of us with a grey divorce that may have been triggered by menopause, our ex is actually different, on a biological level. The drop in estrogen actually changes her brain structures. She may look the same on the outside, but she’s had a brain transplant.

I think this makes it easier to grieve—when we think of it as a death. The practices that aquatic-dreams describes in his post are helpful (such as learning to sit with the grief—most emotions fade after 1-2 min, so that makes it easier to face them knowing that).

Building up new memories, by creating a vibrant and fun life, also helps.

Title	How do you process the memories?
Author	Mountain-Belt-2198
Upvotes	20
Comments	24
Date	February 18, 2025 2:23 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1is1z0m/how_do_you_process_the_memories/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-process-the-memories.1544204 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544204

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