Overwhelmed by spous

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-11-02T22:33:18+00:00

This is just about the life of every married man after a few months/years.
And then we wonder about the abysmal divorce statistics while very few people are actually in marriage bliss until the end of their lives or until divorce.

DanHitt · 2025-11-01T21:08:21+00:00

First I'll point out the issue then I'll help you solve the problem. (I know, I'm making it sound so easy and it's not easy...but it's much easier than people think, if they can tap into their will.)

First, women follow the lead of the strongest male they can get continued attention from. The form of that attention need varies from woman to woman and to a lesser degree from moment to moment. You, like most people in the world, argue about the problem you are trying to solve. It's exactly why it's so frustrating...you're addressing the stated problem and nothing is getting better. Even arguing about the same things over and over. It's maddening. I did all of this, too, and it led to my first and only divorce.

Here's what I did to solve it so, years later, when I decided to get married again it went and is going MUCH smoother (though of course there are bumps, which I will detail). What did I do that was so different?

I stopped arguing on my behalf and started arguing on her behalf. WAIT! Just give me a second to explain. When my girlfriend started staying over I told her she needed to do the dishes every time she stayed over and we ate at my place. When she said that wasn't going to happen and she wouldn't date a guy that expected that I said, "I agree. You should never date a guy you're not going to listen to. You should break up with me now because I'm always going to expect that." I let that hit home and then I put the nail in the coffin, "You want me to call you an Uber?" I wasn't even going to drive her home.

Now ask me if I'm married to that girl.

Then ask me if she does the dishes.

It's not my preference. It's work. My job is to keep my value high. It doesn't just happen because I exist. I had to figure out how it worked and then I had to take what felt like chances to make scary decisions turn into every day habits.

If you met me, you likely wouldn't even know that this is a standard that happens at my house. I'm not that "hard core bro" you see coming out of the gym. I'm much loved by my co-workers. I'm fun, but I'm also decisive. It took me a while to get to this point. It's really scary to refuse to argue. I had been arguing all of my life and I assume you have too.

I encourage her to leave if she doesn't' like it here. Every. Single. Time. I don't try to control anyone, my threat is the removal of my attention on a permanent basis. And she knows from experience I have no problem doing this. But I wasn't always this way. I grew up with a single mother. I aimed to please in my youth. But the difference is, I noticed that, though I aimed to please, I wasn't actually pleasing. So I looked around at the men who had steady relationships and the one thing they all had in common were strong boundaries.

Women argue for different reasons than men. We argue to solve the problem at hand. Women argue to solve their need for safety. It's biological. It's why they don't need to follow any kind of 'logic' as guys term it, they are arguing for their very life (or, at least, their biology thinks they are -- women are pretty safe now days.) When a woman argues, most of the time, and you should assume it's every time, they are not doing it to solve the problem at hand but to determine if they are as safe as they can be and that means they need to determine how much safety you can provide.

They date and mate upward. Men who are up rarely argue with people follow them. How often does your boss argue with you. Especially a boss you respect. So, while your argument might solve the point of the conversation or at least help it in some measure it's actually making her problem worse. The idea of equality between men and women only means one thing, that more men see her as their equal which means there are more men that want her, therefore she is more desirable, therefore she can get an even higher value mate.

They always mate upward. Don't believe me? Ask any girl to describe the perfect guy, but then ask these kinds of questions as a follow up: How much money should he make? How tall should he be? Should he be able to run faster than you? Should he be more ambitious than you? And all of that kind of thing. They will tell you themselves, by their answers, that they date up. Period.

An argument is either a check on the safety you can provide or a call for attention, which is still another check for safety, because she wants attention from men she considers above her and their attention signals a higher likelihood they will be willing to provide safety for her. It's always safety.

beenthere7777 · 2025-11-01T21:04:47+00:00

Yup... About to divorce her after 23 years. I've had enough. Kids are now adults. The controlling selfish behavior is what started it. Not feeling valued for what I contributed to the house or to the kids. The dead bedroom with her not willing to fix anything added to it. She was always right and I was always wrong. Said I was lucky to have her but never did she say she was lucky to have me. Finally feeling like I was stuck and didn't want the rest of my life to suck. So paperwork is ready and going to pull the trigger soon. Getting everything lined up. A new year and a new me. I'm excited and don't hate her but she wanted to be super mom but she forgot she also needed to be a wife.

Huge_Mug776 · 2025-11-01T20:07:52+00:00

HUGE issue in my marriage. My STBXW and I have been doing a trial separation and those behaviors are the things I DO NOT miss about her being gone. She’s a lovely woman in many ways but she always had to be right. I could probably count on both hands the number of times she apologized to me for being wrong in our 21 years of marriage.

I had someone tell me the other day that I looked less stressed and happier. That was nice to hear. Chalk it up to being away from that toxicity and also not having to deal with her interacting with her AP in my own house.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-11-01T18:02:27+00:00

Yes, but mine also cheated. But yes, she was so controlling, and smothering.

3 years later and I’m still single and not in any rush. After feeling like I had to keep someone else happy at all times for 10 years, well I never will again.

But I feel you, and if your wife is doing this, you can’t let that continue. I was with mine for 10 years and there were certain things that once you do them, you can’t undo. I have learned a lot of things not to do, If I ever date again, I will never get married again.

jarnock · 2025-11-01T17:25:44+00:00

I had similar issues with my exwife, I did everything though, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving kids to schools and activities. She found fault in everything, the grass wasn’t green enough, I loaded the dishes wrong, the clothes were folded wrong, etc. I dreaded when she would come home. One of my hobbies was golf and my friends would play on the weekend I would have beg to go play, she would make me do everything before I would get permission, then when she would super pissed off when I came home. Oh and we also had a dead bedroom, that is what finally sold me on divorce. We were talking about sex and she said she didn’t want to share that part of her with me anymore - I told her that’s why we need to get divorced and about 8 months later we were divorced.

Boglehead101 · 2025-11-01T16:47:08+00:00

Mine started out like this, dead bedroom for years. She then created a situation, I lost it and then she played the D card.

Advice, get it sorted through counselling or get out.

HobbitonHobbyist · 2025-11-01T16:40:16+00:00

The nagging, opinions, and micromanaging are probably symptoms of them feeling burnt out or overwhelmed by doing more or being more of the default parent. IMO when you do less, you kind of have to suck up the other person giving their unsolicited opinion.

Title	Overwhelmed by spous
Author	Fantastic-Sport-3054
Upvotes	12
Comments	19
Date	November 1, 2025 4:36 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1olsd2w/overwhelmed_by_spous/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/overwhelmed-by-spous.1565678 https://theredarchive.com/post/1565678

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