Looking for advice

Own_Chemist_2600 · 2025-12-07T04:29:07+00:00

When somebody hears you're going through a divorce.... anybody with a brain is gonna filter everything they hear and discount it accordingly.

In this way, you will find out who has a brain.

You will likely be able to maintain relationships with everyone who has a brain.

In this way, your wife is sort of doing you a favor.

I lost almost everyone because her friends had become my friends, and my wife surrounds herself with facile minded alcoholics.

Double and triple down on the intelligent, open minded and good people in your life and if you find that there are not many of those go find some.

Every woman during a bad breakup tends to use the work narcissist these days. It's a word that saturates these conversations. The funny thing is true Narcissists are so scary that no one would ever really use the word for fear they might hear it and come for them.

Most people don't give a shit about what upset people say during a divorce.

I spent a lot of time, forcing myself to be vulnerable to someone that I'm glad I no longer wake up next to. There are Cunts in the world.

Sometimes they are not cunts to everyone and that can be confusing.

But it doesn't make them a genius, and it doesn't mean people will believe them.

Give yourself all the love and respect you can. Hang out with good people and don't rent any more headspace to that person if you can help it.

BigBubbaMac · 2025-12-07T04:07:50+00:00

Brother mine physically assaulted me. I called police she admitted it in the police report and on the cops body camera. She was arrested. The next day she was telling people that I abused her and they wrongly arrested her instead of me.

Chance_Ice_7335 · 2025-12-07T01:55:39+00:00

Yes. 40 years married to an ex with BPD. One Sunday afternoon she started a fight, called the cops and had me falsely arrested for felony DV and attempted rape. How do I deal with it? I’m getting even. I’m dragging my feet in the divorce so that it goes to trial. I have all 3 adult children anxious to testify against their mother. Before she disconnected from me on FB and LinkedIn, I downloaded all her friends/connections. After the divorce is finalized I have a form letter that I’ve drafted with police report and my evidence. I’m sending these packages to 150 people with the truthful narrative. She will live out her days trying to explain how/why she destroyed her marriage and her relationship with her children in one afternoon. Enjoying making her suffer.

Odd-Zone-2635 · 2025-12-06T20:20:39+00:00

This is an incredibly painful and common experience, and I hear how much you're prioritizing self-reflection and growth—that's a huge step on your side of the street. Let's get strategic about the false narrative. When the other parent uses subjective, emotional language like "abuser" or "lying," you must pivot immediately to what is Objective and Documentable. Do not engage with the narrative or try to defend yourself to her; that's the emotional trap she wants you to fall into. Instead, focus on your communication with her regarding the kids, ensuring every interaction is business-like and cannot be used to demonstrate malice or hostility. If you must address friends or family, you say something brief and neutral like, "I understand this is a painful time, and I am focused entirely on co-parenting and handling logistics based on the court order, as our communication must be factual." This maintains your high road and anchors your actions in legal authority, not emotional drama. The kids need your peace more than they need this conflict, so put your oxygen mask on first by refusing to buy into the manipulation.

BreakGrouchy · 2025-12-06T18:50:29+00:00

Document everything you can and tear her story apart. All interactions should be videotaped. Expose her lies .

Boglehead101 · 2025-12-06T18:48:18+00:00

Listen mate, the amount of wives that create a false victim narrative is off the charts.

It’s nearly unique to have a rational woman that wants a fair outcome. Most want you to look like you’re the villain, limit your access to your children, get you kicked out of the house, drag you through a costly legal battle and take everything they can from you.

If you end up with a criminal record that’s the cherry on top.

How do I know, I’m going through this with a narcissist who is guilty of paternity fraud. I never even swore at her and paid every bill. Denied affection for a decade, I was truly a simp.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-12-06T18:42:45+00:00

Oh yea, this happens so regularly, unless theres an established history of abuse and she has proof, it wont mean a thing. You may find out who your real friends are, and that’s a good thing. Almost all women will file a temporary restraining order on you selling anything, this just means you can’t go sell your car or your house and blow the money while the divorce is pending, it’s her protecting the marital estate. But don’t think this will bias you. I was a 42 year old guy who never so much as yelled at my wife and she still concealed her address and told people I kicked her out. They do this because they feel horrible asking for maintenance when they know they left you.

You’re going to have to figure out a world where you are a single guy again, and the sooner you can move on, the better. Just don’t give anyone a reason to think she’s telling the truth, and by the end of it, she’ll look like the weirdo.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2025-12-06T18:26:22+00:00

Yeah, well, it's really hard to imagine that a man being accused of threatening, menacing, and abusing a woman is totally innocent and that the woman is totally lying. That is, until that man is you.

She's probably trying to have you removed from the home. My wife is. What happened in the past may not really matter much. The present and the likely future is more important. She should need to demonstrate that you cannot stay in the home because you are likely to abuse her at this time - or in the near future.

From a perspective of the courts, the absolute best way to deal with accusations that don't matter is to simply ignore them. Whether the latest accusation matters or not is a trickier question to answer. Be prepared to be calm and answer every accusation as a person who sounds totally innocent, which you are. I record every conversation that has even a note of hostility on either side. I pull out my phone and announce that I'm recording the conversation from that moment on. The claims of abuse have disappeared.

HotCut100 · 2025-12-06T17:55:58+00:00

No one wants to be the villain in their own story. So they create narrative to justify the actions they are planning. Once they get the amount of support they feel they need or from key people that’s when they pull the trigger and go full on. I’m not sure what delusions happen in women’s brains during the divorce process where they feel the need to destroy the other person. It could be a fear of safety thing or they’ve been brainwashed by social circles to believe they’ve been experiencing abuse when they’re picking on one small out of context interaction. Either way take your precautions. If you’re in separate spaces in the house, make sure that you have a recording device in your own space to cover your bases. If it gets bad enough, you need to get a body camera or something.

Deep_Intent · 2025-12-06T17:22:31+00:00

Thank you brothers. I’m realizing how much manipulation was going on. She would never do chores, help out around the house, walk our dog, etc.

I was between a rock and a hard place. She’d say she didn’t feel well enough to (how do you challenge that) but would also somehow have energy in the same day to go to the bars with friends. Wouldn’t have energy for fold laundry but could travel 3 hours driving.

When I’d call her out for literally never falling through on what she said, she’d weaponize that too. She would say she’d do something and then never do it. If I followed up with her on the task, she’d get mad. If I didn’t say anything, she wouldn’t do it.

Luckily I know I’m not making this up. We had a marriage counselor that tried to get her to be accountable to literally anything of her choice (5 min walk, 1 min of breathing exercises, etc) and do it for 5 days in a row. She just wouldn’t do it.

It’s become clear how little effort she put forward and how she was deeply manipulative. It’s just tough when someone with such a sweet exterior is so lazy and undependable…

JonathanApple · 2025-12-06T17:14:31+00:00

Hi, my name is JonathanApple, welcome to the club

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-12-06T17:09:58+00:00

Yes, we all have. It's a classic.

Ignore her, accept you will lose friends, many will never contact you to hear your side of the story. You don't need to defend yourself to anyone or buy into her rewriting of history. You move on and focus on the important, kids if any and rebuilding your life.

After a while nobody will give a shit about your divorce, now it's free entertainment to people who know you.

Slowloris81 · 2025-12-06T15:58:41+00:00

Yeah. Just assume she’s going to do that and don’t let it get to you. You can’t control what she’s going to do. You can only control what’s in your power. That means tell your mutual friends the truth and also form your own network.

If your “mutual friends” believer your ex’s lies without hearing your side, then they weren’t friends worth keeping anyways.

Title	Looking for advice
Author	Deep_Intent
Upvotes	6
Comments	20
Date	December 6, 2025 3:23 PM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pfrsz6/looking_for_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/looking-for-advice.1568197 https://theredarchive.com/post/1568197

Comments