So this is something that's been strong in my head over the last week or two. I've been saying that I'll write something on the subject, so I guess I'm going to try and get it out now.

Is the concept of Toxic Shame a big missing piece of the puzzle?

To define it, I'm going to use the Google AI definition, just because I think it's interesting. Please note, it's the only AI thing in this whole post.

From Google:

Toxic shame is a deep, persistent feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing, believing you are inherently flawed, rather than just having done something wrong (guilt); it often stems from childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse, leading to self-sabotage, isolation, perfectionism, and a belief that you are fundamentally unlovable and broken, requiring compassion and therapy to heal.

Key Characteristics

Core Belief: "I am a bad person," not "I did a bad thing".

Pervasiveness: It's chronic and attacks your core identity, making you feel fundamentally wrong or rotten.

Origins: Often rooted in early life experiences like abuse, neglect, or harsh criticism, leading to internalized negative messages.

Impact: Causes self-sabotage, isolation, anxiety, perfectionism, and difficulty accepting love or forgiveness.

So....why is this not something obviously linked to Identarian frameworks and models?

Because it seems painfully obvious to me. Because when we're talking about these frameworks, we're often saying it's not the behavior that's wrong, it's the identity.

Let me give some big examples. Have you ever heard of "Mansplaining"? Or "Manspreading" even something like Weaponized Incompetence is framed as something that ONLY men do.

Or that SA/Abuse are "Gendered" crimes? Or Toxic Masculinity without a corresponding Toxic Femininity? Or hell, even Patriarchy?

I actually would argue, that we're living in what's essentially a Toxic Shame factory right now. ALL these things are shaming people for identity, not behaviors. That for people who are more vulnerable to internalizing these ideas (those with already low self-esteem/confidence or those who are neurodivergent) you can't avoid them. I'll even go as far to say this. What we're calling the "Male Lonliness Epidemic", in reality, is a crisis, an epidemic of Toxic Shame increasing dramatically among men. The feeling of worthlessness, of being innately bad, etc. The shame is making us lonely, making us unable to exist in the world.

People say...well get therapy. Is therapy equipped to understand this concept and deal with it? No, it's really not. Because it's completely outside the discourse. It's like going to the doctor with Covid before it was a recognized thing. You're going to be completely misdiagnosed. And you can actually assume good faith here...it really is just a matter of ignorance.

But as a society...how long can we remain ignorant?

So what's the solution? I guess there's a couple of solutions. We can recognize that Identarian language and framework is obviously harmful and work towards minimizing it in our society. Replacing the existing Critical (based upon society-wide power assumptions) Feminism with something more materialistic and individualistic. Essentially Egalitarianism.

But...please allow me to play a bit of Devil's Advocate, speaking as someone who spent too long mired in this Toxic Shame. If you want to keep that language and framework, if you think it's what is needed for societal change, I think you have to understand what you're getting with it. You actually have to embrace the Toxic Shame. Not in yourself, I guess. But...understanding and valuing it.

Like I've said, I've spent too long mired in it that it's reflexive for me. But when I actually act upon that impulse, people actually shame me for doing it. I think that's what needs to change. Like, two quick examples. Recently I left a bus shelter for a woman who was uncomfortable to come in because I was there (alone). To me, this is like Being a Good Man 101. Making space for others. But people think I'm crazy for doing so. And I think another example....is the whole Man vs. Bear thing. I stopped hiking because I felt super uncomfortable doing it, like I was doing something hurtful to others.

There actually is a possibility that for reasons, the whole "Toxic Masculinity Toxic Masculinity" thing, that is, the idea that men essentially have to change unilaterally in a self-sacrificial, maladaptive way in order for society to change because men have all the power, what if it's actually correct? Then yeah. You're betting on this Toxic Shame pushing men down. Accept it.

Because frankly, I think people are tired of being in these no-win scenarios. They put themselves out there, they get punished. They make themselves smaller, they get punished. And yes, often by the same people.

But at the end of the day, it's pretty clear to me that the end result of efforts to reform men and masculinity has been this Toxic Shame crisis. The question is how we move forward from here.