Need a boost

steak-raspberry · 2026-06-04T22:53:20+00:00

Together 9.5 years. Took me 4 months to be able to start seeing other women. I just decided that I had enough of being alone. She oddly enough found a man as soon as I found my first woman lol so I think she had something in her back pocket for a long time and was just waiting for me.

The_Restructured_Man · 2026-06-01T02:09:17+00:00

About two years to fully detach. Not from the grief but from caring what she was doing, who she was with, how her life looked. That's the real detachment and it happened gradually, not all at once.

Kids are closer than they ever were when we were all under one roof running on autopilot. Divorce forced me to be intentional about every moment with them instead of just being physically present and mentally elsewhere. That shift was actually a gift I didn't expect.

Found someone genuinely good. Not because I went looking but because I was in a good place and she showed up in my actual life not on an app. Didn't see that coming either.

The mentally messed up part while accomplishing things on the outside is real. Your brain is still processing something massive even while the rest of you is executing. The positive future thing comes back but not from thinking your way into it. It comes from building enough wins that your brain starts to believe the evidence.

You're closer than it feels.

Beamformer · 2026-05-29T15:27:01+00:00

Ive got a good Gf with her own place for three years now, retired for one year with an awesome pension, and a healthy 401k, I kept the house, kid is doing great (we talk daily), the divorce heloc will be paid off in Jan. I have only had to have one or two email /mail interactions with her over loose ends (the last one was her lawyer never filed the quit claim deed). She ended up fired in the middle of the divorce ( I suspect it was over the affair ) and I don't think she has been doing great now that the easy money is gone. Four years ago though she had the most expensive lawyer in town, my job was super stressful from toxic managers, and I had a kid in college. She thought I just had a 401k/tsp, I didn't understand federal pension so it just got ignored in the extortion

Dense-Compote-9055 · 2026-05-29T09:37:07+00:00

I can’t answer all of those from personal experience, but I just wanted to say something about this part: “I am doing well but mentally I’m still messed up.”

I think a lot of men quietly live in that space for a while after divorce. From the outside things look okay, but internally, it still feels heavy, confusing, or unfinished.

For what it’s worth, the fact that you’re asking these questions makes me think part of you already believes there might be a future worth moving toward — even if you can’t quite see it yet.

I’d be really interested in hearing from the guys further down the road too. Especially around kids and whether the emotional fog eventually lifted.

TheDavenessPhD · 2026-05-29T07:59:41+00:00

Detachment took years for me. The thing that you have to realize is it doesn't come all at once. It happens in waves with peaks and troughs. It slowly gets easier, and the peaks and the troughs kind of level out.

The relationship with my daughter has never been better, and that's all that really matters to me at the moment. The more you do it, the more you interact, the more you practice at being present, the better you get at it.

The crazy thing is that doing well externally but messed up internally is how this thing works, and you get better at holding those two separate things, those opposing realities, at the same time. The key is to not let that feeling stop you from taking steps forward.

The soon-to-be ex is still very much in my life, and she will be for the rest of my life (shared custody). I just hope that she can stop being so angry.
Last week, we got a recommendation from the family advocate that she recommends 50/50 custody. That was a huge win and one step closer towards finally being divorced.

With regards to love, yes, I have. The key is to try and be the person you want to love. By making yourself into the person you admire and the person you respect and the person you love, you naturally start to attract the same in other people.

Here if you need to chat.

UrAristotle · 2026-05-29T04:25:22+00:00

Found out about her affair 2 1/2 years ago

3 months of “I don’t know what I want” while I treaded water

1 month of “I want a divorce/I don’t want a divorce” before I told her to just GTFO

1 year to get the actual divorce

It’s been just over a year now

The hardest part early on was when my kids were with her. That’s still hard, but really just hard for me. The kids are doing great because I always make them the priority. Idk if she does or not because I don’t discuss it with her.

I figured out early on that our only communication would be over logistics for the children.

I met a woman through Hinge almost a year ago. We went exclusive pretty quickly and are seeing what we’ll build together. I’ve been clear that I don’t plan on marrying again and she’s been clear that she won’t cohabitate with anyone unless she’s married to them. That part seems irreconcilable.

She is an amazing woman. So much better for me than my ex was. However, I remind myself that it has only been a year and we don’t live together. We’re taking an extended vacation together next month, and we’ll see how that goes.

There are still down times, especially when my kids are with their mom and my girlfriend isn’t with me. It’s lonely, but it’s getting better.

I’m probably the healthiest I’ve been since my army days. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds and want to drop another 15. Lost 6 inches in my waist. My BMI is back to normal and body fat is right at 20%. If I can lose the next 15, BMI will be great and body fat might hit 15%.

It’s a process with ups and downs, but eventually the ups last longer and the downs don’t seem to be as deep.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-05-28T20:35:27+00:00

Been officially divorced for three months after a 14 month separation. Infidelity on her part.

Even though she cheated it took me a solid six months to be completely over it.

I just woke up one day and instead of listening to sad songs on the way to work o started listening to sports radio and good music.

bluephotoshop · 2026-05-28T19:14:08+00:00

We divorced in 1996. Worked hard for 20 years, bought a small house in 1998, put aside 30 percent in a 401k, picked up a Significant Other who now lives with me, retired in 2015 and living well. My son lives in an adjacent county. I’m happy.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-05-28T19:13:11+00:00

I knew it was over as soon as I found out it was cheating. The feeling of betrayal and anger let me go after 4 months, I completely detached when I fell for and slept with another girl, some 8 months into our breakup. That one turned to be an even bigger nutcase but she taught me some valuable lessons about women and myself.

I've been living the volcel life for the past 4 months and I'd say I'm feeling better than ever, a year into my divorce.

TheSteveSteward · 2026-05-28T18:04:52+00:00

Took 6-12 months, great relationship with kid but she still prefers mom, ex is still broke af, I did find love.

dystinct · 2026-05-28T17:54:58+00:00

I lost 45 pounds, fitter at 50 than I was at 30, great relationship with my kids, and found love. She found someone too that she is going to move in with next year. (I only know that from the kids).

The future is what you make it. There is no future if you sit here and dwell on the past.

Find what makes you happy, brother. I'm betting it wasn't her that did.

Title	Need a boost
Author	Odd_Injury_6470
Upvotes	10
Comments	14
Date	May 28, 2026 5:48 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tqaw2w/need_a_boost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-a-boost.1581497 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581497

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