I’m going through a divorce after nearly nine years of marriage. We have two young daughters, ages 4 and 3, who mean everything to me.
Late last year, my wife and I separated. I noticed a major shift in our marriage last summer. We did marital counseling, in-house separation, whatever our counselor told us to do, we did. I honestly thought we were getting to a good place. She had other plans.

She filed in March of this year. I was devastated. I couldn’t accept it for the longest time. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed. I couldn’t understand why she wanted out of this marriage. Not only that but leading up to her filing, she wanted one attorney, and make it a quick divorce. That didn’t sit well with me. I felt like there was a layer underneath all this that hasn’t been discovered yet. Her attorney is her friend’s husband. I absolutely said no chance and got my own attorney. I also made it clear to her that I’m going after 50/50 joint and physical custody. She agreed.

After filing (no-fault divorce) my attorney and I discovered evidence that she had been involved in what she later admitted was, at minimum, an emotional affair. We kept this quiet until mediation to use if her and her council were being unreasonable. Well she wanted me to be a weekend dad. That was heart-breaking. She went against everything her and I agreed upon. Then we put everything we knew about the affair out into the light. So this was the very moment she knew what I knew.

Here is what keeps me up at night to this day. Am I devastated she stepped outside our marriage? Yes. But what’s even more devastating is who it was with. Come to find out, it was with a guy who has a criminal record and indicted by a grand jury with one count of felony child molestation, one count of felony computer pornography, and three counts of felony improper sexual contact by an employee in the first degree. This guy is currently going through the courts. So where does my mind go? I ask the question to myself over and over again if my girls have been around him. And the mess up thing is, I may never find closure in that.

Well Mediation fell apart, and the very next day she asked about reconciliation. A few days later, she changed her mind and continued moving forward with the divorce.

She hasn’t shown any signs of remorse. Not that I’m looking for it, but that triggers me. And honestly, my attorney and I believe it was more than a “emotional affair” and that she is most likely still carrying on this relationship with him to this day. Our evidence comes from the call/text/pic logs. The day of mediation when she found out what I knew about the affair, she started using her work phone for all communications (I don’t have access too). Her personal phone where I got the logs from basically went to 0 usage since mediation. She was on my phone plan and I am the authorized user.

She just assigned a new attorney (a woman). We are about 3 months in and no end in sight. I’m not moving off 50/50.

Lately, it feels like every issue has become a battle. Parenting schedules, holidays, daycare expenses, travel with the girls, vehicle issues, and even simple communication. My position has been that decisions should be based on what’s best for the girls and that both parents should have meaningful, consistent time with them. Her position often feels more controlling and rigid, with deadlines and demands that I don’t believe are reasonable.

For the dads who have been through something similar: How did you stay focused on your kids and your own healing when the divorce process seemed never-ending? What helped you let go of trying to control the outcome and focus on what was in front of you?

Giving up half of my girls childhood kills me. But at the same time, part of me wants to shoot for full custody. I don’t trust her with our girls throughout this process. We are sharing the girls 50/50 at the moment and I will continue to be present and defend my fatherhood. If we go to court, showing I have shown up for them will help my case. Thanks for hearing me out.