Man to avoid: the insecure narcissist

Hey everyone,

I wanted to share something about the insecure narcissist. People have been posting here about different types of men to avoid, and this is sure as heck one of them. There was a comment thread where a few of us were discussing this type! Please chime in if there’s something I missed or got wrong.

I actually am going to write about 2 sub types of this kind. The baseline obviously insecure narcissist, and the covertly insecure narcissist. Let’s start with the basic type. I’ll save the covert one for another post.

So what’s so bad about the basic insecure narcissist? I’d say the worst part is that he leads with insecurity and controls you via his insecurity- which is pitiable and you don’t even see it as malignant. He’s so insecure that you couldn’t possibly see him as the controlling type or as a narcissist who doesn’t care about you. He’s soooo lucky to have you HOW could he not love you for the special, unique, nOt LiKe OtHeR girlzzz gurl you are?!

Yeah he makes you feel like a prize, something out of his league. In the beginning. You’ll truly feel special. But my friend, you’re filling a void. A void that can’t be filled by therapy, love, substances, or a priest. And you’ll be spit back out after being chewed up into something unrecognizable.

He’s probably blowing smoke up your bum and sends lovey dovey messages. You probably are infatuated and spend all your time with him, like many new couples do. But the honeymoon period doesn’t just stop. He wants it to keep going at all costs. He wants more and more. You’ll no longer have time for friends or family.

He probably gets upset and...what do you know, insecure, when you try to make plans outside of him. So you invite him. He’s just kind of shy and wants to have fun too, right?

But then that sets the precedence for the rest of time. He will always want to go, or for you to just not go. It’s better to do either of those then deal with his whining. And then before you know it, everyone’s sick of you bailing or always having the bf tag along. Then he starts keeping tabs on your whereabouts.

Deep down inside he cannot stand that you have a source of security and happiness. So he goes after anything that remotely threatens his sense of self-worth. You just CAN’T be doing something better than him. Because then he has to face his own inadequacy. So he will chip away bit by bit until you have nothing left to make his ego feel threatened.

You’ll get in trouble at work, lose friends, possibly have people be concerned for your well being, and you will constantly feel like you’re on eggshells. It’s always about not stepping on his toes. And just like narcissists do, they gaslight and make you feel like the culpable party. But it’s much worse. Because he will know exactly how to make himself look good, like his heart is in the right place. He’s just concerned, he’s just a little insecure because he’s been burned in the past. And you know he’s insecure so it couldn’t possibly be out of malice.

Then you question yourself. You no longer see yourself as the kind-hearted, giving woman you thought you were. This guy tells you that you’re selfish and cold. And you believe him. Because in comparison to his love-bombing, you don’t have as much to give back. You’re tapped out. Must mean you’re not as capable of love. That’s what he tells you. And you think to yourself, I could be less selfish or self-centered.

But umm...what you’re forgetting is that some self-centeredness is a survival tactic. No one else is gonna look out for YOU like you can. And your bf is going to lead you to believe that yes, he can look out for you better than you can. So you trust him to make more and more judgment calls on your life. Hell, you might distrust yourself as much to the point you’re afraid to drive. He will take you to work instead. And you’ll gladly let him, because he’s your love! He’s got your back. But nah sis, he’s only keeping tabs.

A real man knows to look out for himself first, and that his woman should do the same. Love is sacrificing, it is giving. But it has a limit. And you can’t forget your limits, AKA boundaries.

Sadly though, you already did forget your boundaries. Because they made you “cold” and “unloving.” You feel miserable all the time now at this point. You think it’s because you’re hard to love. You just can’t get it right. He’s always saying how you hurt his feelings, or how you should have involved him in a matter. It’s never good to not have him involved. He probably gets really anxious and worried.

He might blow up your phone when you don’t answer, even if you’re at work. Even if you told him the what, who, where, and why. Doesn’t matter. He’s stuck at home feeling sorry for himself and is anxious you might actually be living your life!

And the worst part, almost as bad as him making you question your judgment and giving your agency to him, is that he’s not doing anything for you. Really not much. You’re so worried about having his needs met, you forgot you have some. You know you’re not happy, but don’t know why.

He probably ignores you time and time again when you complain about something that he still hasn’t changed. But it’s never anything important, at least in your brainwashed mind. He always wipes your tears when you cry. He always knows what to say to make you feel better. He’s there for you when you’re down. Who cares if he hasn’t mopped the floor after asking for three weeks straight? Who cares if he doesn’t do that thing you like in bed? I mean he LOVES you. You’re kind of an ass for even bitching, is what you think.

But you don’t realize he isn’t actually meeting your emotional needs either. He’s just placating you enough so you can get back to focusing on him. Sometimes he is genuine. But truly at the end of the day, you start to see that he’s not doing shit for you. You’re not being fulfilled.

I could bet that at this point you guys split it all 50/50 financially. Whether it’s dates or living expenses. He’s starting to want to “save money.” You don’t even go on dates anymore. And it’s always up to you to bring on the romance at this point. He’s probably an asexual crybaby, or sexually demanding. He used to whoo you, but not now.

And basically you eventually realize how barren your life is at this point. You no longer do what you enjoy. What do you even enjoy anymore, besides avoiding fluffing the bfs feathers? That’s your part time hobby. It’s the only way to keep a semblance of peace anymore. You’ve given up time, money, relationships, hobbies, and probably dulled your sparkle so he won’t cry about it anymore. You couldn’t sparkle if you tried now. He took the fun out of it.

And then you go back to you little by little. He begins to resent you for who you always were. You’re coming back and he can’t stand it. You’ll probably leave at this point, and if you do stay, y’all’s sex life is definitely over now. The spark in you is gone, the spark in the relationship is gone.

It’s hard to leave because he will never seem malicious. Only insecure. But don’t ever forget that a man’s insecurity has led to kill before, and will again. Even if he isn’t violent, it will kill you inside.

There’s my cautionary tale. The covert insecure narcissist is a whole other demon, because he’s bold and pretends not to be insecure. More to come next time.