Withdrawing attention as a punishment when we both work from home

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January 25, 2019
12 upvotes

tl;dr

  1. How do I withdraw attention when we both work from home, in the same room?
  2. In general, how do you not make it obvious that you are withdrawing in response to something she did?
  3. Is working from home together just a bad situation for MRP?

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I've seen it mentioned here that a good consequence for disrespect or other undesirable behavior from your wife is to withdraw attention/presence for a while.

This is a bit difficult for me because we both work from home (about 15ft. from each other) and sometimes my wife can be disrespectful or shit test me during this time.

In our apartment we don't really have another choice but to work in the same room unless one of us moves to the bedroom. I think I could find a coffee shop to go to and work from, but she knows that I like my home office area and it would be odd if I started doing that. It seems like it would show lack of frame because I'm being transparent that I'm removing myself the situation and I'm putting myself in a suboptimal work environment. Even if I show no emotion and STFU as I'm leaving it still seems obvious.

I could find something to do, like take a walk, even though I'd want to limit my time doing this to not seem flaky at work. I usually lift in the mornings before work, so that's not usually an option.

But this leads to a more general question about withdrawing: how do you not make it seem like you are reacting to the situation and getting chased out of your own house? If you only take walks after your wife acts like a bitch then she could get the sense that she is controlling you and can make you leave at any time.

Am I overthinking this?

Tack-on question: is this working from home situation bad to begin with? Am I too available to my wife every day? I'm starting to book up my evenings with activities away from her, but I feel like she might be getting too much presence from me, minimum 40 hours a week, and it's hard to create dread.

Thanks for helping a noob.


Post Information
Title Withdrawing attention as a punishment when we both work from home
Author MoreCarefulThinking
Upvotes 12
Comments 41
Date 25 January 2019 10:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203648
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ajujjx/withdrawing_attention_as_a_punishment_when_we/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (13 children) | Copy

Bro... NO. Do not work in the same room as your spouse. Do anything to prevent this from happening. I work from home as well and I have a rule: Don't fucking talk to me unless its an emergency. Otherwise, shoot me an email and Ill check it when I feel like it (if she is worried she will forget).

Also, I have dope headphones that cancel noise and have a red light that goes on when I am busy. If she comes in the room and my headphones are on, it means STFU and leave. She does. She used to shit test me during work days but I made it simple. Do you like the house that I pay for? If so, leave me alone so I can be awesome at my job. If you hate money, please keep fucking with me.

Do not work with your wife or near her. NO.

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

This seems to be the consensus. I will figure something out to get out of the apartment to work, as many days as possible.

I've started to ignore her (and try to have the headphones on more) when I'm working but I've not been consistent in enforcing this. If I'm legit working, which is most of the time, I find it easy to ignore her because I feel like I'm justified in doing so.

With the layout of the room she can see my screen, so she might be able to tell if I'm just screwing around. This probably just underlines how bad the same-room problem is, but maybe I need to go further and say that when I'm home I'm either working or taking a necessary break.

Getting out of the apartment more will automatically fix some of this. Then I can work on the rest.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

You sound like an over weight neckbeard.

Working out of your two bedroom apartment in the same room as her?

How big could that room be? 10x12 at the most?

Let me guess one of you is entry level IT and the other is either marketing, graphic design or an artist?

Pretty clear neither of you interact on the phone simply due to the size restraints and background noise it would cause.

Ever heard of WeWork fag?

Starbucks?

Marriott?

Corner Bakery?

Chik-Fil-A?

Twin Peaks?

Know what all these places have in common?

Free WiFi, food and drinks.

But hey, I am sure you have a sweet triple monitor setup and water-cooled CPU rig.

[–]Chick-fil-A_spellbot-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

It looks as though you may have spelled "Chick-fil-A" incorrectly. No worries, it happens to the best of us!

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Ill spell your name right when you decide to open up on Sundays.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It says right there- remember the Sundays and keep them holy. Right?

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sundaes.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This seems to be the consensus.

This is also madness. Dude works from home, and tells how he copes and controls the situ, then he says "Don't do it!"

Fuck that. 'Work from home' is 'work'.

[–]SiegreicherMarsch8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

But this leads to a more general question about withdrawing: how do you not make it seem like you are reacting to the situation and getting chased out of your own house? If you only take walks after your wife acts like a bitch then she could get the sense that she is controlling you and can make you leave at any time.

She is not in control because your default mode should be "busy guy getting important stuff done constantly". You don't just find things to do when your wife is not fun to be around. Your default mode is I always have shit to do and you choose to spend some of that valuable, valuable time with your wife as long as she is pleasant to be around.

[–]CaliEd2565 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

I agree with this. Women communicate covertly. Whether you remove yourself from the home office, the couch or the bedroom, she knows exactly what you’re doing (unless she’s a total fucking idiot).

The covert/subliminal message you’re telling her is, “If you act like a cunt, I leave.” IDEALLY, you do this enough and her hamster starts running and she realizes that if she’s a cunt all the time, you’ll divorce her.

You’re Doing These Two.....

Analysis Paralysis - “Should I go to the coffee shop or for a walk? Which one is more Alpha???”

In Her Frame - “Which one would SHE view as less butthurt/more Alpha???”

If you always put up with her attitude, but one day say “Hey, I want a change of scenery. Going to the coffee shop, love you, bye.” and just walk the fuck out, that’s a HUGE step. As others have said, it’s not exactly what you say, it’s HOW you say it.

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This makes a lot of sense too. I like how you put that line as I'm going out the door, too. No butthurt, 100% calm. Even if she knows that her being a bitch is a part of the reason why I'm going to the coffee shop now that's not a terrible thing. I can STFU and never acknowledge that part but she still learns that acting like a bitch means no attention for a while. I hope I'm catching on.

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I try to provide real world responses to situations. As opposed to “Open your mouth again and I’ll stick my dick in it.”

You ABSOLUTELY can use those lines, and they work great. But only AFTER you’ve established who’s the dominant partner AND when she knows you’re WAY more likely to divorce her, than her divorcing you.

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Makes sense. I think I've started working on more important things with my time but not a lot of them are out of the house. I need to get out of the house more and have a less predictable schedule. It won't seem out of the ordinary to get out of the house then.

[–]Punishermp65 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Spending that much time with your Wife on a daily basis is never a good idea. I work from home 1-2 times a week still, but before unplugging it was usually 4 days a work week. This was because I was a lazy drunk captain who avoided interacting with other people in favor of hiding out in my home office. Now I wake-up early to lift in the free gym in my building before work, go to lunch with co-workers, improve day game at upscale mall across the street, get away from the wife, audio book or podcast during commute, etc.

The point is to vary your routine and get out of the house. If your Wife knows exactly where you are (15 feet away from her) 90% of your life, it will be much more difficult to build dread than if you're gone regularly and she's not sure where or what you're doing. Not sure if you have to be on the phone a lot for work, but a local library is a good spot to work remotely if your just on a laptop.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am at the same place. I am going to the office more just to get away from her. I love being comfortable in my own home. I mean, who likes taking shits in public bathrooms?

Congrats on no longer being a lazy drunk captain. I am not hiding or avoiding interactions with people anymore. It just lowers my SMV and reduces dread.

[–]resolutions3166 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Speaking as someone who used to work from home, my productivity TRIPLED when I moved to an office.

Coworking spaces are great, affordable, and expand your social circle with cool, ambitious people. I recommend them. Most will offer daily “drop in” rates as well as more permanent desk options.

Secondly, you are not punishing your wife. This will NOT work.

“Oh, you think I’m a boring piece of shit? Well, I’ll show YOU - I won’t hang around with you anymore!”

This is the coping mechanism of a child.

You are choosing to spend time with your wife. If she’s shitty to you, you should have a myriad of options of cool, fun things to do that do not involve her.

Recently, my wife and I put the kids down to bed. I initiated, got turned down - it happens.

Things were fine, but I was feeling restless and just didn’t feel like another night watching TV. So I popped out to a Starbucks and worked on my yearly goals (I’m a stats nerd, so this involved a whole lots of spreadsheets).

I drank a tea and enjoyed people watching in my usual coffee place but at a different time of night. I got a big smile from a pretty woman. I got a shit ton done and was super productive.

At no point was I resentful. I wasn’t even thinking about my wife. I was just doing something I enjoyed, because I had shit to do.

Hobbies, goals, friends, work you are passionate about, places you want to experience. These are not tools to punish your wife - they are the elements of a fun, enriching, and full LIFE.

[–]JameisBong6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Don't work with your wife in the same job department or room unless you own the business. Think about it, you are essentially her shitty co-worker who doesn't give her the tingles like Chad from accounts. Rent a cheapo office space somewhere (plenty come furnished already) and work from there.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

“unless you own the business”

I would totally be playing the boss and hot secretary Game: “come over here and sit on my lap baby”.. “bend over and pick up those papers for daddy”..

If he starts doing this maybe he can get her to find a new office, not him. Make her ass leave.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The Blue Pill must have missed this one.

Sexually harass your wife until she quits working with you. LMFAO.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

“ we both work from home, in the same room“

That sounds fucking miserable. I can see her shit testing you all day long. Go fetch me a drink, a snack, my tampons... lets go here for lunch, we need to stop at Target on the way back, how do you attach a file to email? What are you searching on google? ..bla bla bla. I’m i right?

Bottom line, you’re way in her frame and worried what she’ll think. If you want to go work from the coffee shop, then fucking do it. Tell her there’s a cute girl there you like.

Maybe switch up routines. Start work earlier, then lift mid morning. Go out for lunch by yourself and practice day game. Work from Starbucks every other day, go to the library.

I believe way too much contact. Need to get away from her, let her hamster think about what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re talking to. Then you can implement some text game, build some dread, and most of all- some tension. You being available 100% of the time isn’t good. There’s no sexual tension there. You have to build her responsive desire throughout the day, add some tension, Game her, then it can be released (balls deep).

Withdrawing attention only works if you have high value. If YOU do it, it will just look like you are butt hurt- because it’s not punishing her. Start withdrawing attention by having your calendar full and staying busy. It’s not directly after she acts like a bitch to you. But if she is acting like a bitch, you need to start setting hard boundaries.

What’s your situation? She’s acting like a cunt? Draining your balls on the regular?

Edit: I was right. Just saw this: “and sometimes my wife can be disrespectful or shit test me during this time.”

Shit tests are good- it’s her initiating. But because you keep failing them.. makes her dry up and she gets more pissy.

Have you started passing basic shit tests?

How’s your SMV compared to hers?

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm starting to pass basic shit tests. I feel like they are becoming less frequent but then occasionally I'm caught off guard and I feel like I fail or handle them in a sub-optimal way. I'm reading through the sidebar and working on that.

The biggest thing I'm doing is owning my shit and not leaving the planning to her. I'm a classic drunk captain. She runs almost everything by me when she plans something and it comes to decision time, but I'm being more proactive about planning and making those decisions myself.

My SMV is higher than hers. She is post-wall and I've never looked better. I make lots of money (and she doesn't make too much, not that that matters for her SMV but she is dependent on me). I'm more charismatic and outgoing. She is not very confident. I think she pretty much knows I would be fine without her. Really I should be crushing this RP stuff but I'm a slowly recovering Nice Guy and I'm trying to unfuck years of being beta in my marriage.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You need to get separate from her during work time no matter what.

  • Can you rent an office during the day? I'm guessing if you're in an apartment this is probably not an option.

  • How about rearranging your apartment so the two of you have separate work areas in different rooms?

In our apartment we don't really have another choice but to work in the same room unless one of us moves to the bedroom.

I don't think it will be productive to work out of your bedroom. The bedroom is for sleep and sex. Period. But if that's the only option, I would make her work from there.

  • Coffee shop - It's better than doing what you're doing.

how do you not make it seem like you are reacting to the situation and getting chased out of your own house? If you only take walks after your wife acts like a bitch then she could get the sense that she is controlling you and can make you leave at any time.

You don't leave because you're reacting to her. You leave because you're going to work. Do whatever it takes to make your work space separate.

I think u/MrChad_Thundercock has the right idea of switching up your routine as well so you're not both in there together at the same time. Is that an option?

u/Financial_Metal's comment about the headphones is a good idea too - but his wife respects his work time, the light on the headphones is just a reminder for her. This won't work if your wife doesn't care if she bothers you or not. In fact you'll just be taking off the headphones every 5 minutes because she's saying something and you can't hear her, which will create an additional opportunity for her to test you.

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, I think at a minimum I could change up my schedule to not make them overlap so much. I will also work on the separate working space outside of the apartment, despite it being an inconvenience to me and not what I would do if I were alone in that apartment. I do think it could make my work more focused and maybe that is a benefit enough. Like you said, coffee shop is better than what I'm doing.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Am I overthinking this?

Yes.

I think I could find a coffee shop to go to and work from, but she knows that I like my home office area and it would be odd if I started doing that.

Okay? Who cares? You or her?

It seems like it would show lack of frame because I'm being transparent that I'm removing myself the situation and I'm putting myself in a suboptimal work environment. Even if I show no emotion and STFU as I'm leaving it still seems obvious.

Your are so far up her ass that you can't see all of the mental hurdles you are doing trying to figure this out.

TLDR; Yes, get out of the house more. Go work at a coffee shop. Go work in one of those temporary offices you can rent out like Regus or something. However, don't do it because some anonymous dude from MRP told you to or because you read it on the sidebar. Do it because that is what you want to do.

If it pisses off your wife that is her problem.

[–]markpf731 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Because you want to” is the most common denominator

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

she knows that I like my home office area and it would be odd if I started doing that.

Start working from other places when you’re not pissed, then you won’t look butthurt when you do it to remove attention. You should be doing this anyway. Working together in a cramped apartment is insane

You’re hamstering being too lazy to work outside the home

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm with everyone saying to switch up your routine, and I'd work the coffee shop in there as well. Start your day early, go lift, work a little from the coffee shop, then come finish up at home.

Why? Because you want to. Because you prefer that schedule. It doesn't matter*. It will be better for both of you. Hell, give it 2 weeks and your wife will be pretending like it was partly her decision.

*It doesn't matter as long as you actually do prefer that schedule. If it doesn't work for you, don't keep doing it just to avoid her. Find another way.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

It’s all about frame.

I can be in the same room, house, and still remove time and attention

It’s all in the sidebar.

Do you lift ?? I see you do, but is it at a gym ?

[–]MoreCarefulThinking[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I lift at a gym. Getting strong and my muscles show but I still have a bit of a dadbod. Working on getting my nutrition right.

I still need more activities outside the house. Working on that too.

I’m working through the sidebar but removing time and attention in the same room is not something I’ve learned to do well yet.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’m reading you post headline.

Re read it. There is no “punishment”. There is withdrawing attention fior cause and effect

It is about and is not about manipulation. But withdrawing attention is about setting boundaries of your self respect. Conditioning your personal relationship as to what you find acceptable.

The withdrawal is very effective if you are working hard on your SMV, value and MAP. Being able to bat away shit tests is valuable.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Unfortunately I blew all my deception points in lying about substance abuse so I cant hide my emotions very well.

Everyone is already telling you to work somewhere else. I wont bother with that.

When my wife picks up on my butthurt and throws out that ropa-a-dope "what's wrong" attempt I tell her i have hemorrhoids and they are kicking my ass. That explains the look on my face.

She wont touch that with a 10 foot pole.

As for how do you withhold attention when in close proximity? Just answer with the least amount of words and never follow up with a question. Make HER generate and maintain the conversation flow. They fuckig suck at it because they dont have much of an identity so they run out of steam fast.

Just start trying things that dont involve words comming out of your mouth. Even if you know what you are attempting might not work it has a chance to give you a better understanding of the problem space and you can see solutions you couldn't see before. The next day you reset anyway.

You are your own judge, you cant fail until you accept failure.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Punishment" is the wrong headspace to be in... otherwise getting the fuck away is also the answer.

[–]Captain_pants40 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Use withdrawal of attention for the purpose of putting yourself in a better position instead trying to get her to respond in a more favorable way.

I.E. if she’s being a bitch go do something that you’d rather be doing. If you’re using it for any other purpose then it’s just a shit covert contract.

The end result may be that she gets a better attitude but that’s just a bonus. Put yourself first

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How do I withdraw attention when we both work from home, in the same room?

I have absolutely no idea.

In general, how do you not make it obvious that you are withdrawing in response to something she did?

Why do you care if it is obvious? Your woman has displeased you and you are not interested in interacting with her.

Is working from home together just a bad situation for MRP?

More like Hell on Earth. Most MRP "tactics" cannot possibly work in the situation you describe. Many will impact your business and cause an existential crisis in your cozy little marriage.

You may want to experiment with taking charge and telling her to STFU rather than leaving in a huff when you are working together.

You DO want to figure out a working environment where you are not sitting in a room with your wife all the time. The way women talk and blab at work I can only imagine the time you guys are wasting. Best bet? Get another system and work in different rooms.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Tack-on question: is this working from home situation bad to begin with?

If you are making bank, working from home is the greatest thing you could do for yourself, your family, and your nation. If you want to make changes, up your game and your lifting, not this.



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