51yo with 46yo gf. 2.5 year relationship. I have two boys, 13 & 16yo. She has a 16yo son who is a best friend with my eldest. Sex life has been great and I probably click more with this woman on that level than any of my past girlfriends. It’s wide open, anything goes, and she’s the sort of woman than needs a couple of orgasms a day and loves me waking her up with a stiff cock slipping in from behind.
We don’t live together.
Read NMMNG, Rational Male, WISNIFG plus a bunch of David Deida stuff.
6’4” , 190 lbs, lifting for a couple of years, around 15% bf. Hit the gym 4 x a week without fail and despite her regular tests along the lines of “But we could just go for a walk on the beach instead!” or “You’d rather go to the gym than stay in bed and make love with me?” or “Deadlifts are really dangerous, you should come and help me move some furniture instead”.
I have many more demands on my time than she does. My work, my kids, my hobbies, gym, meditation etc etc. She doesn’t work (relies on rental income), is a lot less hands on as a parent than I am and so has way more time on her hands than I do.
From the beginning, it’s been a fairly constant complaint from her that I don’t prioritise her or the relationship, that I never have enough time for her, that she feels alone in the relationship, that I am too autonomous etc etc She doesn’t feel special etc etc
I’ve learnt to not DEER around this stuff and to FOG it pretty well. I do slip into DEERING around other stuff that comes from left field and this is my real edge at present — really being vigilant around my own reactivity as this woman brings it up in spades in me if I drop my awareness and to be honest it’s been a pretty dramatic relationship until I really committed to applying the tools. Fogging, AM, AA, not DEERING, STFU etc but she does still get under my skin from time to time and I react.
So it’s against this constant backdrop of “I am not special to you, You don’t have enough time for me” that our relationship exists. Having said that, when it’s good it’s really good. When I have the time and give her my energy & presence, she really responds in a positive way and it’s fucking great and she’s a lot of fun. 2.5 years in and I love fucking her more than ever. I know how to light her up and she responds instantly. But most of the time I am busy with my life and so she apparently feels neglected. There’s not a lot I can do about this as I am not giving up any of my current commitments to spend more time with her.
I recently bought a new house. She has an overseas trip coming for 6 weeks, travelling for some of the time with her parents and her son, and a couple of weeks traveling with old friends on and off. She explained that she would like to move in to my new place prior to her trip and then for a couple of months on her return so as to rent out her main place for 6 months.
I said I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. I don’t think it will be good for us as a couple and also maybe not for my youngest son (as she doesn’t get on that great with him). Come and visit occasionally I said, but having you and your son live with me and my kids isn’t something I want to take on right after I move, not to mention her cat on all my new furniture and bedding etc.
This has precipitated something of a rupture in our relationship. She can’t believe that I wouldn’t want to unconditionally have her for stay with me for a few weeks before she goes and again on her return. Again, it’s proof that I don’t love her or care for her. But I stand my ground, even if I do start DEERing on this point, even to the point of telling her that having her around 24/7 wouldn’t add much value to my life. Of course, she was appalled and relishes telling me just how much all her girlfriends were horrified that I would say that. “Just sharing my awesome life with you should be enough for you!” LOL.
It sort of feels like crunch time for me. I don’t want to live with her, even on a temporary basis straight after moving into a new house. The move is a big transition for my boys and I and I want to share the initial time in the new house with them alone as my immediate family.
And here’s the kicker. Most of the time while she’s away, she’s travelling with her parents and her son but she will be spending a few days (with her son) visiting an ex-bf from about 10 years ago and is also spending a few days (without her son) with some other old male friend, not an ex though. I’ve made it clear that she’s free to visit whoever she likes but I’ll admit that I do come across as jealous and she jokingly teases me about liking that I am jealous as it means I “do want her” and “don’t want to share her”. I’m at my edge with this whole thing and pretty much just have to fall back to STFU although internally it’s highlighting my own lack of abundance mentality and lack of options here.
Again, she’s free to do what she wants but I’m sure as hell not going to entertain the notion of having her live with me before and after her trip under these circumstances. But damn it’s hard to not appear insecure.
Right now, I’m pretty close to just pulling the pin on the whole thing. I’ve spent the whole weekend moving in, single-handed, whilst feeling unwell. She’s been off on dinners with friends, at a salsa party, seeing a couple of bands and very much making a point of “having fun” while I’ve been moving in, even to the point of shit testing me about not coming out and having fun with her as though I am letting her down by not going out. It’s fucking nuts hearing her lay that trip on me in the middle of moving house and it’s all I can do to bite my tongue at the ridiculousness of it all. Yeah, she’s feeling unloved and rejected to an extent because I didn’t just roll out the red carpet for her in my new house. I even invited her to dinner tonight at the new place but she wanted to go see a band instead.
I suppose this is my one and only victim puke. If I didn’t like fucking her so much I’d walk away, but she’s definitely got under my skin and the thought of someone else fucking her right now doesn’t sit so great with me. At what point do you just say "fuck it"?