708,624 posts

Crunch time

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August 19, 2018
10 upvotes

51yo with 46yo gf. 2.5 year relationship. I have two boys, 13 & 16yo. She has a 16yo son who is a best friend with my eldest. Sex life has been great and I probably click more with this woman on that level than any of my past girlfriends. It’s wide open, anything goes, and she’s the sort of woman than needs a couple of orgasms a day and loves me waking her up with a stiff cock slipping in from behind.

We don’t live together.

Read NMMNG, Rational Male, WISNIFG plus a bunch of David Deida stuff.

6’4” , 190 lbs, lifting for a couple of years, around 15% bf. Hit the gym 4 x a week without fail and despite her regular tests along the lines of “But we could just go for a walk on the beach instead!” or “You’d rather go to the gym than stay in bed and make love with me?” or “Deadlifts are really dangerous, you should come and help me move some furniture instead”.

I have many more demands on my time than she does. My work, my kids, my hobbies, gym, meditation etc etc. She doesn’t work (relies on rental income), is a lot less hands on as a parent than I am and so has way more time on her hands than I do.

From the beginning, it’s been a fairly constant complaint from her that I don’t prioritise her or the relationship, that I never have enough time for her, that she feels alone in the relationship, that I am too autonomous etc etc She doesn’t feel special etc etc

I’ve learnt to not DEER around this stuff and to FOG it pretty well. I do slip into DEERING around other stuff that comes from left field and this is my real edge at present — really being vigilant around my own reactivity as this woman brings it up in spades in me if I drop my awareness and to be honest it’s been a pretty dramatic relationship until I really committed to applying the tools. Fogging, AM, AA, not DEERING, STFU etc but she does still get under my skin from time to time and I react.

So it’s against this constant backdrop of “I am not special to you, You don’t have enough time for me” that our relationship exists. Having said that, when it’s good it’s really good. When I have the time and give her my energy & presence, she really responds in a positive way and it’s fucking great and she’s a lot of fun. 2.5 years in and I love fucking her more than ever. I know how to light her up and she responds instantly. But most of the time I am busy with my life and so she apparently feels neglected. There’s not a lot I can do about this as I am not giving up any of my current commitments to spend more time with her.

I recently bought a new house. She has an overseas trip coming for 6 weeks, travelling for some of the time with her parents and her son, and a couple of weeks traveling with old friends on and off. She explained that she would like to move in to my new place prior to her trip and then for a couple of months on her return so as to rent out her main place for 6 months.

I said I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. I don’t think it will be good for us as a couple and also maybe not for my youngest son (as she doesn’t get on that great with him). Come and visit occasionally I said, but having you and your son live with me and my kids isn’t something I want to take on right after I move, not to mention her cat on all my new furniture and bedding etc.

This has precipitated something of a rupture in our relationship. She can’t believe that I wouldn’t want to unconditionally have her for stay with me for a few weeks before she goes and again on her return. Again, it’s proof that I don’t love her or care for her. But I stand my ground, even if I do start DEERing on this point, even to the point of telling her that having her around 24/7 wouldn’t add much value to my life. Of course, she was appalled and relishes telling me just how much all her girlfriends were horrified that I would say that. “Just sharing my awesome life with you should be enough for you!” LOL.

It sort of feels like crunch time for me. I don’t want to live with her, even on a temporary basis straight after moving into a new house. The move is a big transition for my boys and I and I want to share the initial time in the new house with them alone as my immediate family.

And here’s the kicker. Most of the time while she’s away, she’s travelling with her parents and her son but she will be spending a few days (with her son) visiting an ex-bf from about 10 years ago and is also spending a few days (without her son) with some other old male friend, not an ex though. I’ve made it clear that she’s free to visit whoever she likes but I’ll admit that I do come across as jealous and she jokingly teases me about liking that I am jealous as it means I “do want her” and “don’t want to share her”. I’m at my edge with this whole thing and pretty much just have to fall back to STFU although internally it’s highlighting my own lack of abundance mentality and lack of options here.

Again, she’s free to do what she wants but I’m sure as hell not going to entertain the notion of having her live with me before and after her trip under these circumstances. But damn it’s hard to not appear insecure.

Right now, I’m pretty close to just pulling the pin on the whole thing. I’ve spent the whole weekend moving in, single-handed, whilst feeling unwell. She’s been off on dinners with friends, at a salsa party, seeing a couple of bands and very much making a point of “having fun” while I’ve been moving in, even to the point of shit testing me about not coming out and having fun with her as though I am letting her down by not going out. It’s fucking nuts hearing her lay that trip on me in the middle of moving house and it’s all I can do to bite my tongue at the ridiculousness of it all. Yeah, she’s feeling unloved and rejected to an extent because I didn’t just roll out the red carpet for her in my new house. I even invited her to dinner tonight at the new place but she wanted to go see a band instead.

I suppose this is my one and only victim puke. If I didn’t like fucking her so much I’d walk away, but she’s definitely got under my skin and the thought of someone else fucking her right now doesn’t sit so great with me. At what point do you just say "fuck it"?


Post Information
Title Crunch time
Author discard9090
Upvotes 10
Comments 41
Date 19 August 2018 12:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204092
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/98jsip/crunch_time/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGDEERabundanceshit testliftcloseNMMNG
Comments

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (5 children) | Copy

If I was your girlfriend's little girly friend, I'd sympathize with her over an appletini and express my dismay that you weren't falling into line like a good little boy and getting ready to move in together and wife her up. I might tell her that displaying some abundance and cranking up some higher level dread might get her mate back in line. Something like a vacation to see an old lover. And I'd suggest that in the shorter term, removing time and attention might help. Something along the lines of not jumping up to volunteer to help you move. But hey, that would be shameful and manipulative and Machiavellian. (Or at least, if a guy did it, it would be. But I digress)

As far as the move in, she's applying pressure and you're starting to crack. Just remember that the basis of a strong and sturdy relationship is you, slowly giving in to her will and starting to build up that feeling of helplessness and resentment towards her. And you know what they say, once you move in together and get married, things always get better in both the relationship and the sex department. Or at least, that's what I remember reading last time I was lurking the deadbedrooms sub.

It's your life.

[–]discard9090[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Spot on. My resolve around not letting her live in my new place is strong after her performance this weekend.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

For your review and penance:

Guide to managing your bitches

Single mothers

Yet more about single moms

Best of luck to you

[–]discard9090[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, will read asap.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the iron rules. Don't let a woman live with you unless you are going to get married. Lots of good sense in that rule.

[–]triclops410 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Did I just read Shakespeare?

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret18 points19 points  (4 children) | Copy

I am five years older than you. Each set of my twins are exactly 5 years older than each one of your boys. My step twins are exactly 5 years older than her son. My divorce will be final soon. This is who is talking to you.

If you took your original post, pulled out all your stats, wrote an FR about your TRP journey, you are practically a poster child for doing it right. That was 46% of your post. The other 54%? Well, that was all about her. And right now, from where I sit, that’s the percentage you were thinking and in her frame.

You are still doing your shit. Grounded in reality, but you are standing at the edge of the cliff. She’s at the bottom, screaming at you to jump, promising to catch you. And there you stand, shaking your head no, but not walking away from the edge of the cliff.

WALK AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF!!

From a TRP perspective, why do you think you have the relationship you do now?

“There’s not a lot I can do about this as I am not giving up any of my current commitments to spend more time with her.“ Write this down, tape it to your mirror, and read it out loud at least once a day to yourself.

“I don’t want to live with her, even on a temporary basis straight after moving into a new house.“ Write it down, tape it to your mirror, and read it out loud at least once a day.

“...Internally it’s highlighting my own lack of abundance mentality and lack of options here.“ So, you REALLY DO get it. But it’s hard to see the forest because there’s so many fucking trees in the way.

There’s more. Not helping you move, yellow flag. Seeing men she knows, one on one, while traveling. Red flags. One thing I’ve learned about red and yellow flags, is that they always seem to find a way to get up your ass and just really irritate you. Let’s be clear, if you have her move in, will she change her travel plans? I don’t think so. And you’d be a DUMBASS to even attempt to negotiate that.

Do you have your awesome life because of your girlfriend? Or do you have your girlfriend because of your awesome life? You can have both but when faced with a choice, which would you choose? Because you cannot choose both.

In all of the RP forums there are close to 300,000 members total. You’ve been around five years. You’ve read some of the sidebar. I know you’ve read a lot of comments. Have you ever read this?…

“I don’t know what your problem is. I do everything my girlfriend says. She and I are very happy and banging twice a day. So man up, let your girlfriend lead the relationship, and you’ll be happy.“

No? Never read that? Well, you can read the results of that thinking. Head over to dead bedrooms. Read 100 posts.

On this earth there are at least 1 billion women you could tap. Your 46yo gf is not one in a billion, she’s one of a billion. And you’ve seen, recently, how fast that golden pussy can turn into a cunt, when it doesn’t get what it wants. It’s ironic, but give the pussy what it wants, and it turns into a cunt, anyway. Draw your own conclusions.

Dude, you’re the man other men want to be, and other women want to fuck. You can’t see those other women because you’ve developed oneitis. Fix your shit.

“At what point do you just say, ‘fuck it’?”

You don’t. You live your life, on your terms, in your way. Women are like cats. They come, and they go. If you don’t like having just one cat… Well, have more cats. Read, “The Rational Male” again. And then his second book, “Preventative Medicine.” Sounds like you might be on the go a lot. Do you Audible? You can get through both books in about 22 hours. About the same if you read at the average rate of 220 words per minute.

Your frame is cracking. Shore it up. Read. Reinforce old ideas and put in new ones. If you aren’t growing, you are dying. You’ve worked too hard and done too many things right to give it all up over oneitis. Stop second-guessing yourself. Fix your shit (oneitis) and...

GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK.

[–]discard9090[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Great comment, I appreciate it. Frame is definitely cracking at times with her. She runs a great little routine around how inflexible and rigid I am when I am busy with things that are important to me and don't involve her.

Also, she's loves having fun and has plenty of time to do so. Sometimes it feels that I can't keep up on that front purely because I am busy with other things. Whether that makes us incompatible, I'm not sure, but it's definitely a hook there that feeds the oneitis as I know if she leaves, she'll be off having fun with someone else pretty quickly.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep.

Oneitis.

She’s welcome to stay.

It’s okay if she leaves.

You’re not incompatible, just two different rhythms for living life right now.

You can do better.

You just have to...

Want to.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

she'll be off having fun with someone else pretty quickly

she's not yours; it's just your turn. internalize this message

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why do you care so fucking much what she thinks? She's gaslighting the fuck out of you. Maybe you are meant to be a nice billy beta.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy

The TRP part of me would say, go sleep with 10 other women and then tell us how victim-pukey you are.

Where's your sense of abundance here.

Also, women will always test you. It's fine to knock those tests right out of the sky. But when she becomes ultra-bitchy, really you don't need that in your life. You've got a mission already.

The question you have to ask yourself is - is it worth having this low value highly dramatic woman in your life. Only you can answer, but from the outside it sounds like no.

And you've proven the adage: for every hot woman out there, there is a man sick and tired of her shit.

Bonus round: she will be fucking the ex-boyfriend.

[–]discard9090[S] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yep, it really boils down to a lack of abundance mentality in me, I can totally own that. That's my edge right now.

As for the ex, yeah, that's always a possibility but again if I create more options for myself then that possibility has way less potential impact on me.

Thanks for the reply.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don’t know about you but I don’t let my wife date her ex-BF’s or other men period. Going off with her ex while on a trip should be at minimum a demotion to instant plate status.

A high value woman doesn’t date other men. A high value woman wouldn’t even suggest it, she knows exactly what it makes her look like. This is a power play on her part to make you jealous and nothing more. Fuck that.

She can do whatever she wants to do, but that doesn’t mean you are required to accept it.

Coupled with all the other drama she’s creating, this SHOULD be an easy decision for you to make. Fuck man, who is the prize here?

Grow some balls here and realize things for what they really are. She has all the power and is not afraid to smack you upside the head with it.

Take her pussy off the pedestal. There’s plenty more out there where hers came from.

[–]discard9090[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Got it.

[–]Chump_No_More4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know about you but I don’t let my wife date her ex-BF’s or other men period. Going off with her ex while on a trip should be at minimum a demotion to instant plate status.

You say you "got it", but I don't think you do.

Let this sink in... She's going on a date with (and likely fuck) her ex. And she's doing it exclusively to fuck with your head.

At a minimum she should be demoted to plate before she leaves on her trip and let her sweat bullets on what YOU'RE doing while she's gone, not the other way around.

That said, my advise is to next her and move on. Nothing will build abundance and clear this mindfuckery from your head like banging a dozen other chicks.

No LTRs for you until you fully internalize an abundance mindset.

[–]wkndatbernardus8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Way too many fucks given about what she wants/her feelz. I think you are on the right track to maintaining frame here since you denied her moving in (great move) but you need to be careful about that oneits creeping in. Stop pedestalizing her poon and she'll either acquiesce to your boundaries/wants without issue or leave you. Either way, you win.

If you're attitude is that you wouldn't mind if she left, you have more power in the relationship. I'm not one of those guys who thinks you need multiple plates to have that abundance mentality so, you can have OI without going on tinder right away, imo.

Also be careful about tipping your "feelings" hand in regard to her banging Chad on her trip. You should be visibily unshaken by this news so that she doesn't know she has power over you. Just go about your business of becoming a kick-ass alpha and demote her to plate since she's a cheating ho.

[–]discard9090[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. Working on not minding if she leaves but not quite there yet. I'll admit there are emotional hooks there that aren't that easy to ignore.

[–]BirdManBrrrr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't let those hooks drive your behavior and decision making; don't let emotion/oneitis/sex with her blind you to her testing you, demanding more of you, bullshit games, and "visiting her ex" which we all know is code for international booty call.

You've got a good thing going on your own, she can either be a compliment to your life on your terms or she can GTFO. You already know your boys and your overall plan are more important.

internally it’s highlighting my own lack of abundance mentality and lack of options here.

ALL IN YOUR HEAD. You have all the options in the world.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

TL;DR:

"I'm butthurt because my girlfriend isn't helping with my move into my new house. She's not helping because she's butthurt that I won't let her and her family move in with me for a few months."

Ah, to be a teenager again!

51yo with 46yo gf.

Wait ... what???

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah.

He’s got his shit together, living the dream as a man.

She (shockingly(not)) wants to literally be the oldest teenager in the house.

No surprise there

[–]discard9090[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, it's ridiculous I know. I'm working on the butthurt thing.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Judge her by actions. What did her actions say about a woman who was desperate to be part of your life, your household? How often did she come over and paint? How much did she clean? Did she put shelf paper in the cabinets?

Because if she truly wanted to be a part of this new household (even temporarily) these would've been things that demonstrative of high value on her part.

A woman who demanded a part of it without showing an effort to work for it seems like she felt entitled too it.

What do her actions say about her?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t want to live with her, even on a temporary basis

Done! That's your answer. Everything else is just sink coming out of your vagina.

Do what you want and own it.

The first half of your post i could help but think "wtf could this guys problem even be" it reads like a red pill success story.

This is a girlfriend dude.

If you are in shape (you are) and successful, have hobbies and a mission, you could be interviewing 46 year old plates for her replacement the day after she leaves.

YOU ARE WHAT THEY ARE ALL LOOKING FOR.

Not a lot of high valued men are actually searching out single moms in their 40s. That's just not happening. Ask a single mom in her 40s what she's looking for and she will describe You, probably taller because they all want that uber tall guy.

Your abundance mentality is shit. Just read what's been comming out of red-sffplus (spelling), he's one of the flaired members here. Fuck 20 women like he did in a short time and you will be singing a completely different tune.

she's an aging woman with 2 kids.

You have all the value.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Girlfriend.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Should be...soon to be plate.

[–]discard9090[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get it.

[–]JimboNumberz3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think a lot of times men fall into oneitis and scarcity because they dont see the whole possible picture

You have invisible abundance

You are maxing out your free time with a girlfriend who is fun and a great fuck. That is a fine and proper use of your time if it maximizes value in your life

But if you didnt max out your free time with her you could create other options easily

Make that a mantra. Then make your choices

[–]discard9090[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have lost sight of my options precisely because most of my free time gets spent with her. Thank you.

[–]Chump_No_More2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

And how can you not see that is deliberate?

She's chipping away at your frame and it's going to be a death by a thousand cuts because she's insidiously creating one 'New normal' after another.

"I don't understand why you're so unreasonable by not doing this one, simple thing". You give up ground and then it's 'rinse and repeat'. Next thing you know, those boundaries you set are miles away and you have no idea how you got to where you are.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

At what point do you just say "fuck it"?

I didn't even read this long diatribe of puke. I just looked and found what OP is asking?

How do you know? You know. Everything else is just a journey. You will rationalize things, the human mind is fantastic at it. Like...really good yo have no idea.

I have come to realize in the last few months that everything a man does is to avoid pain. to avoid the unpleasant. Fact is we must face it. Head on. In that there is then growth.

So I ask you where is the most pain. Then head that towards that.

[–]dandar46002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If I didn’t like fucking her so much I’d walk away

Plate or dump, but don't be stupid and commit.

[–]creating_my_life1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

the moment you give in to her in the slightest is the moment she loses all respect for you. You know this.

You have to live your life. You don't want her to move in. DONE.

She's traipsing through Europe meeting up with Exes. Honestly, that doesn't bother me too much. Some guys are less secure.

Do NOT let this relationship progress. She made an ultimatum, you called her bluff, and now she's behaving badly. She just dropped a level in relationship quality.

You let your guard down and got oneitis. You'll be fine.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I have two boys, 13 & 16yo.

I assume you're divorced. For how long? What is the custody schedule? How well did the boys handle it? How are they coming along in terms of grades and behavior?

[–]discard9090[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Divorced 7 years ago. Week on, week off for custody.

Boys are going great in all aspects of their lives and I'm not just saying that. Another complaint I get from gf is that I prioritise my sons over her. Damn right I do!

[–]triclops414 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This might be the reddest of all the flags you've mentioned. She shouldn't think she has a chance in hell if you had to pick between your kids and her.

[–]Freedomeofchoice1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Coming in late on this, but damn man, if you were in front of me I would slap you so hard and tell you to wake the fuck up. Think of how much women love their kids (really the only ones they love tbh), and for her to say that is past red flag. As mentioned above, she is gas lighting you and doing a great job it appears.
I am like you and it is hard to move on after so many years, but dammit this is YOUR time. Not only is she not even trying to do things to get you, she is doing the opposite and running away with an old bf, while at the same time messing with your mind whenever she finds you went out for yourself. Please wake up! Kill the puppy! She is only a GF. Can you imagine the shit you would get if she moved in and finally thought she got you?



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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