I have so far to go. I am such a weak piece of shit.

This is a victim puke, everyone gets one right? so if you don't want to read that, press backspace right now. Otherwise, please tear me to pieces in the comments, because I need it.

I have been a weak piece of shit lately. So many ups and downs since swallowing the pill. You can read my post history if you're really interested. I feel like i'm doing the work. I have done all of sidebar, I lift, my finances are good. I have studied MRP theory almost daily for a year now, I just keep reading sidebar material over and over. My main issue is my frame, my frame is disgusting and pathetic. I have seen improvements sometimes, like 2 days ago I made a positive OYS post, but then i'm thrown straight back to the bottom again.

Came home from work last night, walked in the door, said hi to SO, everything going ok. Man it's freezing in here. The air con was blasting (we're in the southern hemisphere). So I switched it off. Yes, that’s all, switched off the air-conditioning, in my house, which I solely own, which I pay the bills for, after I’d got home from working all day. SO works part time.

SO: "What the hell are you doing, i'm hot, I have it on for a reason, don't just come in here and start changing stuff". *in bitchy tone.

I can't be bothered with her shit, she's obviously in a mood because I’ve been a weak, needy drunk captain for years there. I don’t want to DEER, so I just look at her, then walk off.

I go and do my own thing, go and exercise, do some stuff around the yard etc. I come in when dinners ready, ice queen is still quiet. Meh, I act as if I don't care, eat dinner, help clean up and go back to my own stuff.

The night goes on and she continues to brood and I continue to get on with my stuff. We end up in bed 4 hours later. Because I’m such a weak puppy dog I DEER to check her mood.

Me: "Is something wrong?"

SO: "Are you kidding me? how dare you come home and just turn off the air con. I'm sick of the way you act, not asking me stuff, not considering me, I'm sick of all this stuff" She is so angry and upset she's nearly shaking.

Weak me still Deering calmly: "Was there anything else or was it just the aircon?"

SO: "Well just everything, there are so many things, I'm just really angry and upset the rest of my life is going to be like this". She's fuming.

Weak me still calmly DEERing: "Umm can you name one of those things?" (aside from the aircon).

SO: "Well that night you stayed out drinking with your mates when you told me you'd take me out for dinner".

For some context, that was January the 6th. Yes she’s bringing up something from almost a year ago. She's right, I did promise her i'd take her out for dinner but I got drunk with my buddies, back then I rationalized it in that we were moving to another city a week later so I wanted to spend the night with them, it was after work beers that just rolled on, my bad. I apologized and made up for it back then severely. So yes, she was bringing up something old from nearly a year ago.

I roll over and go to sleep.

End of story. As you'll see in my previous posts. I've been a weak, needy puppy dog to her throughout our marriage. She doesn’t respect me, clearly. Nor is she attracted to me. Sometimes I can't work out whether she actually has BPD or whether it’s because she’s Latina or whether its just because of the damage I did to us for being a beta for years. (I’ve been in 2 previous LTR’s and they were never this nuts). It was a funny end to the night, seeing as earlier that morning when I left for work said she was going to "Get all dressed up sexy so you can have your way with me tonight". Crazy up and downs. If only I knew turning the aircon off would have killed the caveman session.

I'll continue to do what I’m doing, I understand it takes time and this is my fault because i was a weak beta bitch for years. I will practice more on frame and NGAF if she's in a mood, just go about OMS. Appreciate the comments.

EDIT: Forgot to mention I decided lastnight after rolling over to sleep I MUST start work on PUA. It's something I've neglected a bit. But I figure, I will keep improving, she's welcome to get in line, but if she doesn't, I will next her. I feel I could fairly easily. But I will now work a lot more on PUA.