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Action vs. Over-reaction

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August 5, 2017
8 upvotes

I've been here since February trying to improve myself and continue to lift a minimum of 3 times a week along with cardio. I have lost about 15 pounds and put on quite a bit of muscle. I have read and am working on internalizing almost all the side bar, and have been a little slow going on my progress but still making forward steps.

Quick preamble, a couple of weeks ago I noticed an odd number of texts from my wife to a guy we both know. She works with him loosely once a week and they communicate sometimes, no big deal, but the number increased. It looked like she was chasing him and he wasn't really responding. Until last week when I went away for business when the number of texts increased dramatically, ending in a total of about 120 texts between them last night. I did not get a chance to get any software installed on her phone to see what they were saying, so I can only check my phone account and see how many texts were sent and received, and to who. To me, the 120 on the heels of 50 and 60 a few nights last week, if it isn't an emotional affair, it will be soon. I ended up video chatting her to see how she was doing etc. I tried to keep it light and not say anything about what I knew. She did not mention that she was talking to this guy at all, insisted that she was just talking to me, and nothing interesting was happening, and in fact made comments about my alleged cheating at one point (I'm not; transference?). I know for a fact he wasn't there last night, but I can't be more than 70% sure they haven't fucked yet at some other point.

Regardless of what was said, a line has been crossed for me, this is unacceptable behaviour. I am almost certain I am just going straight to a separation, instead of giving her a chance to break it off with this guy. I have a history of over-reaction to some things such as this so I wanted to see what others here thought. I know that I am not where I need to be with abundance, even if I have improved and that is coloring my thoughts right now, along with my anger. I know in the end it's on me to decide, and my path to walk but sometimes it's good to have a few other view points to help see things more clearly. So ultimately, is straight to divorce an over-reaction? If I put my anger aside for a moment, I think the best course of action is just to go with the 'my wife would not continue this relationship' and act accordingly depending on her actions, but my anger says NEXT.

UPDATE: I just checked and there are another 25 messages between them this morning.

UPDATE 2: Back in the country and two minutes after I texted her that I was home she sent him 3 messages and he replied. Not suspicious at all. I found software I can use to log her phone but I need physical access to it for 5 minutes which is easier said than done and I am not sure I need to at this point. I am going to try and see the texts before I go further.

UPDATE 3: Thanks to everyone who responded with some helpful and insightful comments. I decided to keep my knowledge hidden until I found out more about the situation and in the end I was able to read the texts on Sunday night, and they all seemed to be there. They were all innocuous in that they were her half drunk ramblings and talking about kids and other banal shit. At some point she sent a heart emoji to him, to which he replied, my wife and I are tight, you're barking up the wrong tree. She apologized to him the next day for making it weird, and they haven't spoken since. I did not yet have a chance to get the logging software on her phone but I am keeping an eye on her messaging still. I had to leave the country again this week and I didn't have a clear path forward so I did not approach her about it yet, although that is just as likely my hamster rationalizing my own fear of confronting this situation.

Bottom line, I have learned I am a big pussy, still in her frame, my abundance is not good, I struggle with conflict specifically with her and I still harbour some fear. I also looked at what I had become over the last few months, and I was all serious, not fun, I was not comforting when I needed to be, I sprinkled a little alpha on it. Having said that, she is seems to be infatuated with this guy, and regardless of her intentions it was unacceptable.

After reviewing the situation I believe I have created this in part with my alpha sprinkles so I am going to own my decision to keep the marriage together for now, get the software installed so I can watch for a repeat with someone else, and actually bring this up to her in a short, concise and direct manner when I return.


Post Information
Title Action vs. Over-reaction
Author shes_got_the_jack_
Upvotes 8
Comments 50
Date 05 August 2017 01:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205739
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6rrow5/action_vs_overreaction/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
alphaabundanceframehamstercheatinglift
Comments

[–]askmeanything28 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

This situation is complicated, in particular you have a four year old son and the other guy's wife just had a miscarriage.

I would suggest proceeding carefully, one step at a time.

The next step, besides continued monitoring, is when you return home, wait until the kid is asleep, then sit down and have a conversation with her when you can maintain eye contact. Listen not only what she says but what her body language is saying. Try for a conversation where you say little (I know, unacceptable) and let her talk lots (could be blaming you for being distant, often away and not "emotionally there" when home). Don't DEER. Stay calm. Ignore shit tests, respond to comfort tests.

This will not be easy, take care.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, this is basically where I am going with it right now.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (9 children) | Copy

I know mate guarding isn't attractive, but I would have to confront her directly about this.

"Hey babe, I was looking at our data usage and thinking about upgrading to a new plan. What do you think?"

"Sure, whatever you think is best."

"Ok good. Oh, by the way, I couldn't help but notice you were texting this person...A LOT. I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but I must admit it concerned me. Can you explain?"

I don't know. Something like that. Either you steal her phone and go snooping (but she could cover her tracks well) or just fucking ask her. I'd be on the verge of nexting her, so what do you have to lose?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

I actually was checking data usage as we have been over a couple of months and I got a huge bill, when I came across the original instance of this .

[–]screechhaterRed Beret6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

And, you have not asked her about this ? Or, confronted with bill in hand ?

Wholly fuck ! Man you got to read as in right now. MMSLP, Rational Male and WISNIFG. Wholly fuck. Look up self respect

[–]470_2_700_nm3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

I disagree - I would wait 3-5 days so he can definitively see the actual texts between the two and then go from there.

I agree a man should speak his mind with a woman, but here a few days holding off won't hurt to get some definitive intelligence on a game potentially game changing situation.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

No. When you get a bill and see a number with all the calls and or texts you don't recognize, you confront asap getting it out in the open

[–]mabden1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

When dealing with the prospects of a cheating spouse, confronting with limited information (phone logs) will give the cheater plenty of wiggle room to DARVO, gaslight and/or trickle truth (admission to what is presented.) The thought that a cheater would willingly confess on flimsy accusations is unrealistic. It also gives the cheater time to cover up (delete) any evidence and allows them to drive the affair further underground making it much harder for the betrayed spouse to get at the truth.

For some, frequency of contact is enough to file for divorce, for others, they require more concrete evidence of cheating before pulling the plug and relinquishing half their wealth, present and future through the pain of divorce.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

How in the Fuck is 10 or more texts to the opposite sex appropriate unless it's for work ? Even then there is nothing that urgent, if so be at work.

50-60 texts and then 120 WTF ? Not ok under any circumstance. Wake the Fuck up

[–]mabden0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How in the Fuck is 10 or more texts to the opposite sex appropriate unless it's for work ?

Where did I say it was?

Not ok under any circumstance

Where did I say it was?

Wake the Fuck up

Eyes wide open, ears pinned back, mouth fucking shut.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why would you NOT confront then ? Why in the Fuck would you live a minute longer with the lie ? That's on him. Fuck the game. She has broken her vow. That is the hard line crossed.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

You're allowed to make over reactions. Only you judge it.

If you're gonig to do it, do it properly, no flying off half cocked though. Decide now where yous et the goalposts, if this is enough, live with it. If you need more of a smoking gun, set that for yourself too, no walking it back once you've decided.

If you really want to spill the beans though (you shouldn't) tell her to give you her phone. Her reaction says all you need to know. Don't say why, just say you need it for a second.. And if everything is erased, that is a big red flag

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stone has nailed it on the head here.

I still like the idea though of OP finding a way to log or view the texts somehow.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mulled it over travelling and I want a little more of a smoking gun. I am going to play it close to the chest for now.

[–]rebbit_reddit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just tell her you know she's been texting the guy. Ask to see the texts. Done

[–]weakandsensitive8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

How can a line have been crossed when you've done fuck all about it?

How can she cross a line when she doesn't even know the line exists?

How can you have a line when you need to come to askMRP to get your line validated?

Your line is bullshit and you should shoved it up your ass by your butthurt ego.

My advice? Watch some tranny porn and jerk off in disgust at yourself.

[–]drty_prRed Beret5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

The post oozes in fear of his wife.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Something I have had for years. Breaking out of it, but I have no doubt it is not completely gone.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What's she gonna do ? Leave, divorce ? What ? It's freedom pass in my book, but you, butt hurt boy are stuck in her frame, don't forget it

[–]Throwawayhelper4201 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Divorce is terrible man. There goes the house and all the things I worked so hard for. Oh I still have to pay for the house too. Now you have a mortgage and live in a 1 bedroom apartment with a roommate with more bills than ever. Good luck seeing your son with enough regularity to ensure he becomes a respectable man.

It's like the biggest punch in the dick you could ever receive.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn that was hardcore. But sometimes it's necessary.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

50-60 texts on her phone form a dude that is not you is unacceptable and you know it

If she is a quality woman she will come around and an event will ensue, however, be ware of the behavior

All this being said, are you responding to comfort tests ? or just ramboing the fuck around ?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There is 100% no question in my mind over unacceptable it is. I have been getting better, but still struggling with the comfort tests, mostly with identifying them from her, so my response in that arena is not optimal.

[–]470_2_700_nm4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

DO NOT TIP HER OFF that you know, I disagree with other posts that say confront her with phone bill in hand. Here is why: A woman will deny deny deny until you have her cornered with the afair, then she will say "it just happened" or "you didn't give me what I needed emotionally. AWALT. The phone bill means nothing without the actual texts in front of you.

So here is what you do. You mention in your original post that you can find a way to log the conversations. Do this if you know you for sure you won't get caught. If she has an un-jail broken IPhone this will be tough. But if you can do it 100 percent covert do it.

Until then play it 100% cool and offer comfort next time she accuses you are having an affair. If you can, laugh a bit and offer her your dick right then and there.

Then if possible find out what the heck is going on withought her knowing you are looking into it. Otherwise she will cover her tracks well. Right now she is being careless with what she is doing, so it should be easy to get a bead on her intentions and recent actions.

Then once you actually know, go from there - the decision should be easy.

Don't don't be fooled into thinking confronting her will have her come around with the truth. Ain't no such thing.

[–]SepeanRed Beret8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy

Let's say that you went as hard on STFU and withdrawing affection as you did on lifting and dieting. She suspects you're cheating, she's insecure and low on comfort, and she's using this guy for some emotional affirmation.

Does that change things for you? Consider the possibilities before going off - it might be something other than what yoy think. 120 texts to me says "talk" more than "hookup logistics".

[–]hystericalbonding4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let's say that you went as hard on STFU and withdrawing affection as you did on lifting

Yep. The accusations if infidelity are the giveaway. The stages of dread have their name for good reason. She feels his absence, sees the new workout regimen, and sees the changes in their interactions. If she asks her guy friend, or searches Google for, "How do I know if he's cheating," this is what she finds. If he goes full alpha caricature, then she'll get her emotional needs met elsewhere. AWALT

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women will almost always project when cheating. Do not assume the accusation was caused by dread alone. Trust but verify and fuck trust.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sure. Trusting blindly is just as misguided as taking a mere suspicion as fact.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Excellent thoughts, and precisely what I needed right now. You are probably on the money with how hard I have gone on STFU and withdrawing. It does change it for me at least some. My comfort giving has been low lately, she was being pissy for a few days before I left on business so I had withdrawn a bit, and I have given what little comfort I could remotely but it isn't much. I work 12 hour days when I am away and I don't update her as much as I used to. With the anxiety from her convinced I am having an affair and my not being there, I can totally see her looking to someone else for emotional affirmation. I can see the possibility of the 'talk' and not hookup logistics. Part of the line crossed included her deception through omission though, so still a little pissed about the situation, but re-evaluating.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Part of the line crossed included her deception through omission though, so still a little pissed about the situation, but re-evaluating.

You are right to be pissed - both about the deception and IMO also the amount of talking itself. And even if you failed on giving something she needed, that doesn't just make it ok what she does.

But there's a lot of difference between the response to actual cheating, and just talking to meet an emotional need.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Part of what I was trying to accomplish here was to calibrate my response. I did not want to go in with both guns blazing if there was a more subtle approach. If it leads to a nuke, it does but I did not want to come in with that, and that was where my anger and butthurt was directing me.

[–]overcomplicate1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Check when you get home, if the text have been deleted it's probably not because they were talking about what to get you for your birthday

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I upvoted for an awesome screen name.

But, seriously, that's an inappropriate number of tests, especially since she keeping it a secret. But, she's not necessity cheating... But, it's likely to go in that direction of it continues. This is an most likely an emotional affair at a minimum though.

I wouldn't call this mate guarding if you had a conversation with her about this and watch her reaction carefully. Address it from the lying angle, not the butthurt "youre texting another guy" angle. Tread carefully, and maintain frame even if you need to bite your tongue.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I kept thinking as I found the pill "if I'd have known she was dealing from the bottom of the deck I'd have dealt her back."

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Poker face was her name

Poker face was her nature

Poker straight was a game

If she knew she could get you"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

This is a full blown affair.

Go full red alert.

[–]Luckylancer962 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

It seems there is a affair in horizon but it may not be cheating yet. Situation can be fixed.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed. But don't take it likely.

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is likely a full blown emotional afair. Read about woman and emotional affairs / infidelity online.

But maybe it's not. Verify here, and don't do anything to make it harder to verify than it already is.

I rarely think this kind of surveillance is worth it, but in this case IMO it is 100% warrented.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Confront immediately, see how she responds and react accordingly. I wouldn't let this kind of behavior go unchecked for a millisecond.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I will not let it go unchecked, that is for certain but what is not certain (to me at least) is how to proceed. I have some cracks in my frame, she hasn't adjusted well, and as /u/Sepean correctly surmised, I have likely gone a little too far on the STFU and withdrawing. I don't want to use a nuke if I can nip in the bud.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

How to proceed is very very simple, stop denying it. You tell her what you know.

"I saw you've been texting X a lot. What gives?"

Proceed from there. Stop being a pussy.

[–]470_2_700_nm-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Again - I as I mentioned before, I would get some better intelligence on this in the next 3-5 days you are home, and then lead with a mother fucking shrewd and well thought out legal move if that is warrented.

I'm sure one of the 50 laws of power tells something about making sure your death strikes come out of nowhere and are completely unexpected - further to that one needs to make sure you obliterate your opponent.

But OP can't tell at all how deep this is.

My inclination is he should drop the bitch, but I'm seeing a great opportunity for him to find out for sure. For a decision so important, I see no value in showing his hand right now.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You don't mention his SMV? That's kind of important. If he is a beta bitch, chances are low she wants to fuch him. Although it remains a possibility. Before you begin to slander him, you need to view it objectively. Can you see why women would want to fuck him? If you can, so can your wife. If he is fuckable and she is sending over 100 texts, that's a bad sign dude.

If you confront her, you'd better have a rock solid frame man. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. Remember the words aren't as important as tone, expression and body language.

Edit-Spelling

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

He is a bit of a chad, fairly well dressed, very aloof and charismatic, he has some game but doesn't know it I don't think. There have always been a lot of women after him, but I can't always see the why. He checks some of the Alpha stuff but is a complete bitch in other areas. His wife just had a miscarriage about a month ago, and he might be turning to my wife for comfort as well. In retrospect, that was a very important point I should have mentioned.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

A lot of hamster in that. Could have easily just said he's attractive. You try to down play his SMV with negatives. That's beta defense and weak as fuck. Stop being a faggot.

Anytime I've sent a chick a surplus of texts, I wanted to fuck her. Chances are pretty good he does too. Maybe talking to your wife about his problems gives him good feelz, but it also gives her them too.

What do you actually plan on doing? Are you man enough to handle this situation from a position of power and own it? This won't be a main event if you confront her, but it will be a shit show that results in you setting a boundary or you being a bitch and getting painted as a jealous asshole. It's all a matter of frame.

You also fail to mention the state of your marriage. That's also very relevant. If you have been improving the whole time Rambo style and making her feel left behind, there's a good chance she's working this guy in his emotional state to exit the marriage. Or bare minimum a back up plan. If your relationship is shit, do you care if she wants out?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I did not see the hamster in that, point taken. I was assuming he wanted to fuck her at this point, and is she setting him up either for some fucks on the side or a branch swing. I didn't think the marriage was complete shit, it was improving to me, but here we are. I may have gone Rambo in some areas, but was still a bitch in other areas. I have been thinking a lot on owning this, and my frame and how I will handle it, I definitely want to ensure this is a boundary and not me being a jealous asshole. Either way, you are right, it will be a shit show.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There are more ways to gather information.

You are going to confront her about text frequency?

I'd find out the contents of those texts. Put a 125hr voice activated recorder in her car, AND under her favorite "talking chair" in the house.

Confront too early, with nothing, and you might just drive her underground.

[–]Worriedtitan0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

There is only one way to save your dignity and potentially your marriage at this point. Take her phone, check the texts. If the texts have been deleted, then I am afraid to say she is cheating on you. Next her immediately without discussion.

All of your posts are about conflict avoidance. You don't need a smoking gun, trust me on this, you need to accept the obvious. Play this out in your mind. You don't need to catch Chad balls deep to have enough evidence. You just need to accept that you only ever uncover the small lies and the question here is not about her, it is about you and what you are willing to accept (settle for)

Affair busting is about making consequences real. So if you next your wife, 9/10 times she will be crawling back in no time if you hold your line and frame. You want this because then you are in control and you set the boundaries for any relationship going forward. You do not want to be snooping around like a fag because that is her frame and in her frame, she chooses what is acceptable and what is not and she chooses if she wants Chad or you. The only way you win is bay taking away her power of choice

Good luck.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you next her... then why would you accept her back?

Error - DNC



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