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Affair

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starrcarr
April 21, 2017
6 upvotes
askMRP

Hi

I wrote about anger last week - see my last post. I took some good advice and it feels as if something has just clicked for me in terms of my mindset and approach - despite implementing some MRP stuff for 11 mths, I finally think I get it.

Anyway, the stuff I have done well is losing weight, dressing better and getting busy on my interests - out a few times a week. I'm still not lifting consistently or really leading at home. However, yesterday my wife sat me down and asked if I am having an affair - I'm not. I told her this and reassured her / she referenced my changes and said that she wouldn't blame me as I'm attractive and she isn't always as nice as she could be. After reassuring her, she seemed very happy and has been since. So, thanks for the advice to those that have it and now what ? Just carry on with my improvements I guess.


Post Information
Title Affair
Author starrcarr
Upvotes 6
Comments 33
Date 21 April 2017 10:22 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206258
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/66oc06/affair/
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Comments

[–]innominating14 points15 points  (11 children) | Copy

If you aren't lifting and leading at home, you don't "get it."

Your wife is postwall and is starting to think that you may realize your SMV exceeds hers even though you are too lazy to lift and don't lead.

You missed a golden opportunity to handle your wife's shittest about the imaginary affair and get her hamster working for you and instead you quickly relieved the tension because you're such a nice guy who wouldn't want her to be jealous.

You're on pace to continue once a week duty sex.

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy

You missed a golden opportunity to handle your wife's shittest about the imaginary affair and get her hamster working for you and instead you quickly relieved the tension because you're such a nice guy who wouldn't want her to be jealous.

For me, I'm not gonna pretend to affair because 1) I think it's ridiculous to pretend, but 2) I don't see that as a value add to my wife's life.

The cards on the table are 1) if I plan to have an affair, I'll let wife know first, 2) I don't plan on having an affair unless she gives me a reason to.

That doesn't stop me from hitting bars/nightclubs, vacation with friends, etc. I've hung out with lots of pretty, beautiful, intelligent girls when I was doing my PhD - so pretty smart girls aren't really a novelty. Pretty, smart, cleaning my house, cooking my breakfast, and rubbing my back is more interesting, but she's still not raising my daughter or taking care of the day to day -- so the bar my wife has set is pretty high. Could a new girl get there? Yeah, but that'd require a lot more effort on my part.

[–]innominating6 points7 points  (8 children) | Copy

Who said anything about pretending to have an affair?

Can't you imagine any other way to handle an affair accusation?

How about STFU, smirk, kiss on the forehead, slap on the ass?

How about, "baby, you know as long as you keep my balls drained, you have nothing to worry about."

How about, "how could I even think about an affair when you are always on my dick like a horny teenager."

How about, "why should I be?" Hat tip /u/UEMcGill

[–]Aaren_Augustine0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Yeah, your advice seemed clear to me. hope Weak's not skimming his PhD work too.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

no you miss the point.

/u/weakandsensitive is pointing out mindset. But keep layering on the pretend affair all you want.

It's likely OPs wife was throwing a comfort test. It may have been a shit test. The lack of detail in how he "reassured" her is the lacking detail.

How he responded is key. There was an opportunity there that OP clearly missed.

[–]Aaren_Augustine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Guess I did

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Of course, I wouldn't advise anyone to layer on a pretend affair.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

How is "answering" a direct question like Are you having an affair? by providing vague evasive answers, terminating the conversation, and changing topics with the intent that she hamsters somehow not pretending there's an affair?

WAS relies on the fact that everything he does is motivated by value exchange. His wife know that. So he's actually answering by reminding her of his MO. Even if he doesn't verbatim say "No" he's telling her no. That's not done with the intent to feed a hamster. It's training the hamster to calm itself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can't covertly do anything when a woman overtly puts it on the table.

And you always broken record alternative facts, regardless of the truth

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The "pretend affair" is the married version of the "Canadian Girlfriend" story every dork tells in 8th grade. It's akin to women sending themselves flowers at work.

Honesty, especially to oneself, is always the easiest frame within which to operate.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Of course.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not gonna pretend to affair because

Overt communications is womanese. Men do not speak womanese, much less understand it. You probably need a PhD to scratch the surface

Acta, non verba, that's how you talk to the hamster. You don't say anything, you let her hamster spin

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The right answer isn't "Don't worry, baby. I love you so much and would never ever thinking of cheating on you or leaving you no matter what."

It's "Hey, I'm happy. The sex is good. My wife is fun and supportive and respectful. Our family has its shit together. As long as that's the case, why would I go elsewhere?"

The implied message is that your eternal commitment is not guaranteed. You could leave any time. You're not stuck with her. You have the ability to get other pussy and she knows it. You are choosing to be with her. For now. As long as your sex life is great and she is great to be with.

Marriage isn't about you doing the work to keep her around. You do the work because you're awesome and have your shit together. You'd do the work even if she wasn't there and nobody was watching. Marriage is about her working to keep an awesome man like you constantly aware of her value. If she's not bringing value to the table, you're not interested, and she should be deathly afraid of you losing interest.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

the only aspect I have trouble with is you reassured her.

How exactly? Details are important.

[–]starrcarr-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Just said I hadn't, I improve for me

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

ease up cowboy.

were you here looking for advice or a pat on the back?

[–]starrcarr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I didn't play it cocky - I played it straight. It looked like a comfort test to me - I am nowhere near my best, but I am a lot lot better than a year ago. I just said I'm not having an affair, and pointed out that I've been losing weight, dressing well for over 12mths

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Not a lot to go on here, but I suspect you mistook her covert communication for overt communication. Namely she asked, "Are you having an affair..." when she meant was "If you are having an affair I wouldn't blame you. I don't know where I fit in here.."

/u/weakandsensitive Is spot on in his question. What value does she provide. I suspect she was looking for leadership in you and this was the first officer testing command. She was asking what is expected of her.

You could have steeled your resolve and set the tone for the future.

"Are you having an affair?"

"Why should I be?"

Hamster, hamster, hamster... She'll spew some shit about how your dressing differently and acting different.

"Listen Babe, I'm trying to get better at this adult thing. I'm just trying to improve myself"

Let your actions speak for themselves, and let her hamster to the heavy work for her. Women will reflect their men, so give her a shining example.

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Why should I be?"

This is spot on. The simple answers are always the best.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

whats your question caller?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds to me as though you are getting it. You have to lift though, do it at least three times a week. No excuses. Also why aren't you leading at home? Your girl said she isn't as nice as she could be, that was an admission and a chance for you to say, true, you need to be nicer to me. Lift and lead, everything else will follow.

[–]WiseGorilla1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I think I finally get it.", is like a physicist saying, "I think I finally get science."

You may be aware of some basic concepts and see them at play in your life, but living in your own frame and building yourself into a strong and capable leader is a lifelong journey. I'm a completely different person now than I was before I started a year ago, and I know I've only put my foot into this rabbit hole.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is she working to add value to your life as wife, mother, and girlfriend? This is a question you should be asking day in and day out. If the answer is no, you should introspect on why you're keeping her around.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Lifting is about the easiest thing you can do toward improving your life. What's your barrier preventing you from doing that consistently?

[–]starrcarr0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Bad knee

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Bench, deadlift, single leg dead lifts, overhead press, pull-ups, good mornings, GHD sit-ups, and thousands of dumbbell exercises.
Quit making excuses and find a way to get it done. You will thank yourself later.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Would have been a great time to set your expectations, instead of assuring her that she wont lose you if she doesnt straighten up.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

After reassuring her, she seemed very happy and has been since.

She's happy "right now." My favorite response, the one that caused my wife's jaw to hit the floor the first time I said it:

"Why would I want to start all over and train a new girl to do all the things you already do so well?"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

despite implementing some MRP stuff for 11 mths, I finally think I get it.

This is why you use the 1 month / 1 year timeline. Good job not going rambo.

Anyway, the stuff I have done well is losing weight, dressing better and getting busy on my interests - out a few times a week.

Investing in yourself, passive dread, good. Where do you think you are on the dread levels scale?

I'm still not lifting consistently or really leading at home.

Racka dishiprin!!!

If you aren't leading, the FO will resent her durnk captain...

However, yesterday my wife sat me down and asked if I am having an affair

Epic WIN - this is what dread is designed for

  • I'm not. I told her this and reassured her /

Good job spotting the comfort test

she referenced my changes and said that she wouldn't blame me as I'm attractive and she isn't always as nice as she could be.

Admission of guilt? Unicorn!?

After reassuring her, she seemed very happy and has been since.

Because you passed the comfort test. Push with dread, pull with comfort.

So, thanks for the advice to those that have it and now what ? Just carry on with my improvements I guess.

I'm still not lifting consistently or really leading at home.

Edit: As for your last post

This was a weekend without this duty sex

Covert Contract, destroy these

I stayed calm and didn't act butt hurt

Good

but was awake all night with uncontrollable anger, my emotions are out of control

Hopefully she didn't pick up the vibe. That's why you don't make Covert Contracts, you won't have anything to be disappointed/upset/angry over.

The temptation is to give up

Glad for you you didn't

just forget sex and intimacy altogether as the pursuit of it causes turmoil for me

Always an option, but I think the Covert Contracts is your real issue

but I have a MAP and need to throw myself at it like a rabid dog. - maybe monk mode.

Maybe look into formlessness as a philosophy, don't get entrenched in your thinking

But, Jesus the anger, the anger - and I fuckjng meditate an hour day!

Take a chill pill?

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you caved in her frame and reassured away any of the Dread that would have gotten you more compliance, more pussy from her or to motivate her to lose weight. This isn't worthy of thanking us. You blew it.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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