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I hate my wife and I wouldn't marry her again. How do I accept my wife and marriage and stop hating her?

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February 13, 2017
8 upvotes

Hi. Throwaway account here.

I've been lurking around here for quite a while. I know a lot of what MRP and The Red Pill are about. But I have a real problem with something about my wife and my marriage.

I've been married almost 18 years. I have two kids, 15 and 10.
I know a lot about MRP and TRP, and i've made some changes and told my wife I won't put up with her bullshit anymore. She really treated me like shit up until a couple of years ago when I threatened to leave her if she didn't stop treating me like shit. Disrespecting me, refusing sex, the whole bit. And I know I was a piece of shit too - I let myself go, I didn't pay attention to my career, I would not stand up for myself for anything, even when pushed up against the wall. Our marriage started out badly, with me letting her manipulate me into marriage because she wanted to get married, she was 29, decided "It was time and I want to get married", etc.

And I realized that I really hate my wife. I hate her for doing all that shit to me. And I hate myself for letting myself be manipulated and used. I was, I am, her beta bucks. That's why she "chose" me.

I realized that if I could do it over again, I wouldn't. If I could go back 20 years to when I met her, I wouldn't marry her, I wouldn't date her, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. I missed out, and I hate her for doing this to me and I hate myself for letting her do this to me.

But I don't want to get divorced, because I love my kids and they need an intact family. And my wife really did change, at least outwardly. She has stopped treating me like shit. I do get laid more, and it's (marginally) better sex. She is more respectful. But I still hate her, and I still wouldn't have married her again. Of course I haven't told her this and I wont.

My question is, does anyone else here feel that way? Has anyone else ever been through that or felt it? What did you do to get past it? Can you ever get past it? I know about "forgiveness" and all that. But what do you do to get past it?

Thanks for your answers.


Post Information
Title I hate my wife and I wouldn't marry her again. How do I accept my wife and marriage and stop hating her?
Author throwawaiMRP234
Upvotes 8
Comments 35
Date 13 February 2017 04:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206521
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5ttq5i/i_hate_my_wife_and_i_wouldnt_marry_her_again_how/
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Comments

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]innominating4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do yourself a favor OP and read this link.

[–]bangorlol12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don't hate my stove because I was dumb enough to burn my hand while using it. Instead I make delicious, healthy meals with it that benefit myself and my family unit.

I lost $20k on an investment that didn't come to fruition. I'm not going to stop investing in things I see potential in because of one slip-up. I'm going to keep doing what I do until I can't anymore.

See what I'm getting at here? You're angry - cut that shit out. A man who lacks composure when stressed isn't a man. You can get a divorce if you want, but that won't solve your problems. Your issue right now is that you're finally realizing that life isn't fair, nor is it a Disney movie. That's okay. Just accept it. Once you move past this phase you're going to realize that ultimately YOU are in charge of your happiness in life, and it's your responsibility to make it happen for yourself.

[–]sh0ckley2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fact.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can get a divorce if you want, but that won't solve your problems

Exactly! Wherever you go... there you are.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the things that helped me get past this and on a path to recovery is not thinking about "would I marry my wife if we met today?" but instead thinking back to remember what it was that I felt and liked about her back when I did choose to marry her. Before things went to hell.

I really like u/Scurvemuch's rebranding thing. I've always enjoyed marketing topics and psychology of marketing. Shows like "The Pitch", "Merchants of Cool", stories about how P&G operates etc. It's kind of a hobby. But thinking about myself and my marriage as a brand wasn't something I'd really thought of and the idea of approaching it as a brand appealed to me. When thinking about successful "rebrands" and trying to retain an existing consumer base, one of the vitally important aspects is maintaining core product identity and the difficulty of identifying what exactly your consumers think that is. So I now tend to think of starting at MRP from being in the position of having introduced "New Coke". Or Apple in the 90's before Jobs turned the image around. Basically, my evaluation was that I'd allowed the formula to change and everyone hated it and they were only around because of product loyalty and inertia. No real joy. Dying brand.

About the time of the rebranding post I was reading around and encountering the common "date your wife again" advice you often see and fighting the urge to resist it as boring self-serving shit. When I already loathe to be around her why would I want to increase the exposure? But then I got to thinking about it being more about mining our relationship history back to when we dated in order to gain insight about core product identity that could then be used for the new realities of our lives. The danger of course is getting lost in seeking external validation. But thinking back I realized the thing I identified personally that I missed the most was myself and "us" was how much I used to joke around and be goofy and play stupid games and pranks before we had kids. I'd allowed us to become boring responsible parents who are playful with the kids but not each other. And I missed my own identity that brought me to the relationship. It's not rocket science to suppose that whatever my wife liked had also been lost. So in that light I could see that "date your wife again" advice had value if you place emphasis on again and restoration. So building a new identity that incorporated the aspects about myself that I missed became my goal for putting "New Coke" in the past. Anyway it's tricky because I think you have to be very careful about doing it with the correct motivations to avoid expectation traps and covert contracts.

I think partly why this worked is because I didn't bother think about what my wife liked, it wasn't about molding her. But I think the reset allowed her to eventually re-find what she liked and rejuvenate her own brand.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm with Scurv, in that you want a 'hug box'. You're asking if anyone else "feels this way?" So what if we do, so what if we don't, it won't change the situation you're in. We're (men) are about doing, not feeling.

-First: Figure out what you want

-Second: Figure out how to get it

-Third: Do whatever it takes to get it.

-Fourth: Get it and be happy.

Notice how your wife doesn't come up in this at all. She may or may not be by your side in the end, but that shouldn't matter by that point.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

you hate yourself. not her.

When you can stop hating the weak man you are.. or were.. probably are...

then you can start to think about such things.

It sounds like you want a hug box though.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hi. Throwaway account here

If you can't commit to a somewhat anonymous forum, you can't commit to much. Good luck.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't hate your wife because you're a pussy ass bitch. So what, you wished you could go back in time and marry a nice sweet, submissive and wholesome woman who will cook and clean for you and blow you every night? Good luck with that man. My bet would be that every other woman would treat you the same way your wife does. Women take the shape of the man they are with. They will love and respect a strong masculine man and resent and disrespect a weak pussy. Stop thinking like there's some wholesome sweet unicorn that you truly deserve. Your wife's attitude is entirely a reflection of you. If you want a nice sweet wife that won't test your fitness and expect you to be a man, buy one of those asian Anima body pillows and stop whining.

[–]Lea17880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow as rude as this comment is it's entirely true. Any women you got married too no matter how sweet and respectful she is will conform into what you made her. Do you have a daughter? Would you let her marry a man who treated her the way you treat your wife? Regardless of how old your wife gets she's still a women who bared your children and went through hell while they were young (if you say you were what you said you used to be) children are overwhelming and all honesty I go to work to catch a break. Women not so much yet they can go to work and still carry the weight of children on there shoulders with house work cooking and cleaning when that alone is a full time job in itself. If she was nagging before it's bc you didn't do your part to help her, if she refused sex it's bc she was exhausted form carrying the world on her shoulders a lone, if she treated you like crap it's bc you didn't show her enough love to want to even want to screw you let a lone respect you. You are the problem not her and when you realize that it's you who needs to start putting more effort into your marriage than she will willing respect you and you will love her for it. Not bc she is afraid you will leave and she is worried about her kids losing a father or an income that provides for them but bc she loves you and wants to do all those things not bc she is forced to do them bc you threaten her.

[–]drty_prRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why the fuck is it a throwaway? You expect people to take time to help you but you won't even commit to showing them who you truly are? Fuck off

[–]Griever1142 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hate my wife and I wouldn't marry her again. How do I accept my wife and marriage and stop hating her?

But I don't want to get divorced, because I love my kids and they need an intact family.

Pick one. you cannot keep this marriage going if you hate the person you wake up next every day.

Option 1: READ THE DAMN SIDEBAR and go through the steps. You may hate her but there is a lot of shit that you are responsible for. The sooner you get over it, the better. OWN YOUR SHIT

Option 2: Divorce her. Get a good lawyer and start anew.

Option 3: Keep this shit up and she will divorce rape you.

PICK ONE

[–]abdadaRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you were lurking, you would know there's a sidebar to start with.

At some point in time, once you've fixed your shit and raised your SMV majorly, you will know what to do with a useless wife who won't be a great first mate.

[–]2ndalRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It sounds like you have made some progress in improving yourself and growing a backbone, but you still don't have any purpose in life. Hate her or not, you build the life that you want--one with purpose. You have decided you want her in that life (even though you hate her) because of your kids, so own it. I don't agree with your logic, but that is your choice. Figure out how she fits into it, and focus on being the man you were born to be. (Hint: sidebar is filled with explicit direction. Follow it.

[–]nantucketghost0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]discipleofthered0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You don't hate an 800lb gorilla for ripping your arm off when you try to feed it a banana. Be angry at the fact that nobody warned you about the gorilla. Take that anger and channel it into yourself. Rage, in its purest form is masculine energy. Use it to forge a new arm in iron and steel.

Something I am realising is that I am actually very lucky to have had the curtain lifted. It's like I can see the strings that control the system and I like experimentally plucking them and watching the effects. I feel elevated.

[–]zeteomegaleio0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're a victim and even though you "know all this stuff" like forgiveness and the sidebar, you are hamstering that you're a special snowflake who it doesn't apply to.

Boohoo, you made bad choices in the past. Your wife is an evil cunt and you wish you could get a do-over. So that must make you unique and different from the rest of us and the regular advice doesn't apply?

Adults own that they make mistakes and figure out a way to learn from them and move forward.

Stop wasting everyone's time and start putting in the hard internal and external work to turn your shit around.

[–]Soberskipper0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm gunna say it......."do you even lift bro?" Seriously you say you've made SOME changes, you say sex is SLIGHTLY better, See the correlation? You can't half ass this shit, otherwise it simply doesn't work. You have to be lifting 3 times a week minimum. If your older than your wife your in your 50s...well that means fuck all there's loads of guys in my gym in thier 50s n 2 or 3 of them are in superb condition. If you are lifting AND you've done the reading, AND you've internalised it correctly you'll realise that you hate yourself, and the desions you made all them years ago.

It is clear that your frames shit, you've openly admitted your a pussy in your post, you need to toughen up especially with the kids at thier current ages otherwise they'll shit all over you.
The hate you have for your wife could be purely resentment built from the anger phase and as your frame builds you actually overcome these FEELINGS and laugh them off. If your wife's a total cunt and your still there after 20 years surely you don't take her shit tests seriously anymore do you? Good well don't take her whole petty, annoying, child like, cunty, bratty personality seriously. Don't take her seriously. Literally laugh at her bullshit in your mind and move on. Be the oak, for yourself and your sanity. If you do this you may find that you don't care about "getting past it or not", at which point you'll be past it.

One more thing, you need to start meditation, it's not mentioned enough on Mrp these days but it's massively helped me self asses my progress and problems. It develops your frame and your ability to think before you speak when your emotions are high. And you clearly are in emotional turmoil deep inside, you need to squash that shit! Your angry at yourself well do something about it!!!! Controlling your anger and channeling it into something productive will help your self esteem. You need to stop hating yourself first and hopefully the rest will follow suit.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Classic anger phase. Wait until it is gone before you do something you may regret for the rest of your life. AWALT and all that.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

once you get past hating the guy in the mirror for allowing himself to go to shit, and his life to be shitty, let us know

I would highly recommend writing a list of things you would like to do with what's left in your life and how you are going to accomplish them

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know dick. Cry on r/relationships.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you're in MRP you are at least committed to being the best you. Only when you are the BEST are you at a point you get to decide your wife sucks. Right now, this is all a reflection of you but you keep talking about her.

I know it's overwhelming and depressing and not fun. It doesn't feel fair. But a man does his work which it sounds like you haven't done. Do the work and earn the choice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Be a man. Where are you in your lifting? How much of the sidebar material have you read? All I see is a post about how wronged you feel by your wife, who sounds like her only crime was following her biological programming. Drunk captain runs the ship onto the rocks and yells at the co-captain...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can definitely relate to everything you have said here

Here's how I handle it: keep it kind and respectful with her. Keep your feelings to yourself. The past is the past and cannot be changed.

[–]Lea17880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Rewrite:: Any women you got married too no matter how sweet and respectful she is will conform into what you made her. Do you have a daughter? Would you let her marry a man who treated her the way you treat your wife? Regardless of how old your wife gets she's still a women who bared your children and went through hell while they were young (if you say you were what you said you used to be) children are overwhelming and all honesty I go to work to catch a break. Women not so much yet they can go to work and still carry the weight of children on there shoulders with house work cooking and cleaning when that alone is a full time job in itself. If she was nagging before it's bc you didn't do your part to help her, if she refused sex it's bc she was exhausted form carrying the world on her shoulders a lone, if she treated you like crap it's bc you didn't show her enough love to want to even want to screw you let a lone respect you. You are the problem not her and when you realize that it's you who needs to start putting more effort into your marriage than she will willing respect you and you will love her for it. Not bc she is afraid you will leave and she is worried about her kids losing a father or an income that provides for them but bc she loves you and wants to do all those things not bc she is forced to do them bc you threaten her.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are angry. You have a right to feel angry.

Much of that anger should be directed at yourself, some at society, some at your family, some at your wife. All of that anger, you need to acknowledge and find a way to move past it.

Then, she'll say something, or do something, or you'll hear how your single buddy railed an HB, or something else will trigger it and it will come back. You have to acknowledge it and find a way to move past it.

Lift, have a mission, divorce, whatever. Time is your most precious and finite resource. You don't have enough of it to be angry all the time.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Get a new wife.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

but he said he didnt wanna...

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OK, you hate yourself for having been a beta bucks.

So how's your plan to become the Alpha Fucks? DYEL? Obese too?

Yep, you have no plan, all you have is anger. Good luck.



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