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Internal Validation & The need for validation

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February 6, 2017
7 upvotes

Been following this sub for more than 6 months.
Physically turned myself around a 180.

Wife and I have had a bad relationship, always hanging on a thread.
But I realized that was because I was seeking validation from her. If I ask her for it, it means she is dating down. Highly unattractive pussy desert storm.

As I started improving myself on this journey, the validation I was seeking from wife was replaced by validation I (naturally) received from other women, friends, family, at work, with gym buddies, hobby-mates and last but not the least, the validation I receive on my social media accounts.

Whenever I feel validated by the world, I feel like a king, but a king without an ego, an abundant giver, a patriarch. I feel good. And this reflects in my relationship with wife. She is happier, at peace and there is more intimacy. The problem is I can't keep at this mindset all the time because I definitely don't get validated all the time. I need validation from someplace more dependable to feel like this.

Internal validation/ Self validation should be the answer to this.
My question to you is how do some of you generate internal validation?

If I could get internal validation that would solve my problem. I want to be in this strong abundance mindset all the time, that's what I want. And that's what my MAP needs right now.

Some of the ways I am internally validating myself are:

  1. Lift. Breaking through plateus, and making PRs.
  2. Eat healthy food. Being disciplined is a huge internal validator.
  3. Tight finances. Creating my portfolio and diversifying my funds. The sense of relief from financial misery is a huge internal validator. Fuck you money is already being stashed.

But I need more, more ways for internal validation. More actions.

I am so close to getting it, I feel, and any help from you guys would be great.


Post Information
Title Internal Validation & The need for validation
Author vincedecola
Upvotes 7
Comments 24
Date 06 February 2017 08:18 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206549
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5sd2xb/internal_validation_the_need_for_validation/
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Comments

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Women are genetically disposed to not providing validation to their BB. Otherwise, he might realize his true value and start wandering. Internalizing this is the first step. Somewhat ironically though, once the man is "woke" that validation will come more readily in an attempt to retain him.

Either way, as you know validation is by it's definition you judging yourself based on external forces. You can't have internal validation, but I think your general post is relating to internal satisfaction in yourself. I think setting concrete goals (both long term and short term) and working to achieve those goals is a good practice. Literally get out paper and start writing goals, time frames, and your plans to achieve these goals. When you achieve your goals you will be "validating" yourself, you don't need somebody else to tell you when you have arrived.

Also, side note, don't puss out on your goals. Some will say to set some easy goals to get yourself rolling, but you can't trick yourself. You will know that was a pussified goal and it will work against you. We do things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

[–]resolutions3161 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I never connected the dots on the lack of validation to the BB....that just threw a lot of things in my own life into sharp relief. Thanks.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, I learned that one real quick when I started making more and more money. Every year I was earning between 40% and 70% more than the previous year, and barely a blink when I told her. But, you had better believe that when women are out finding the next guy or measuring up with another woman that figure gets a whole lot more important. You'll find the same thing with doing stuff around the house, taking care of kids, fixing things, etc.

The key is for her to know that you know that you are awesome.

[–]drty_prRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

A funny way to look at it is pre RP, I would send 3-1 texts. Mine were always long. Hers always short, a couple words and vague. I stopped texting her pretty well all together. Yep, she now sends me 4-1 and always trying to chat and shit. Mine are usually a sexual play or logistics.

[–]vincedecola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Women are genetically disposed to not providing validation to their BB. Otherwise, he might realize his true value and start wandering. Internalizing this is the first step.

I was that man. I am still that man in some ways.

Literally get out paper and start writing goals, time frames, and your plans to achieve these goals. When you achieve your goals you will be "validating" yourself, you don't need somebody else to tell you when you have arrived.

Great advice. Thanks.

[–]rebbit_reddit2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

"Self Acceptance" sounds a little sketchy. Accepting that you are short/bald/etc is fine, but stuff you can improve shouldn't be accepted. I haven't read it, where does that "pillar" come in?

[–]rebbit_reddit0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Quoting form the book : "We typically encounter two fallacious assumptions about self acceptance. One is the belief that if we accept who and what we are, we are indifferent to change and improvement. "But of course the question is : If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? How will I be inspired to grow"

It's about accepting the realities of ourselves, rather than being in denial. Once we accept reality, we can then set about improving. Also, once we accept and become more aware of our emotions, we can examine them more objectively and better understand what is causing them

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I accept that most guys are unacceptable.

[–]vincedecola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Will check. Thank you for the recommendation.

[–]EmergingForce2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Validation is just a trigger for a rush of endorphins which in turn provides you with a temporal sensation of happiness. Think of it as a trip. Enjoyable but completely artificial and not sustainable in the long run.

To replace that the concept of "Mission" comes naturally. You end up being immersed in the process not because others react positively or because you do but because you internalize the concept of having life-goals that fulfil you. Your mission. Which in turn covers all aspects of your life: self-improvement on yourself and on the reactions by all others around you.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

To replace that the concept of "Mission" comes naturally. You end up being immersed in the process not because others react positively or because you do but because you internalize the concept of having life-goals that fulfil you.

This. Many people find this especially through missions that aren't just about you, but address larger goals for other people, your community, or human society. Many volunteer coaches do it not only for their own kids' benefit, but also because they passionately believe that good sporting experiences teach boys and girls important life lessons that will make them better people throughout their lives. Volunteer firemen and EMTs perform an invaluable service for their community that often saves lives. PTA leaders or school board members work to improve the education for everyone in the schools.

OP, find a cause or a mission beyond yourself that you're passionate about, and work with like-minded people to make the world a better place in some small or large way.

[–]vincedecola[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

To replace that the concept of "Mission" comes naturally. You end up being immersed in the process not because others react positively or because you do but because you internalize the concept of having life-goals that fulfil you.

Yes. This is great. Somewhere I had read about the concept of FLOW. Like getting in the flow of things. And with a mission to work on it should be achievable.

[–]EmergingForce0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Flow is a temporary mental state, a long moment of deep concentration. A Mission is the reason of your existence. Find it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

House on a foundation of sand.

[–]vincedecola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Quite true stoney. Need to work on my head and mind. Thanks.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Way of the Superior Man has a good section about focusing on your mission. Many men find their mission in their career. Others, in their hobbies. Society tells us that our mission should be our family-- and while that's an important aspect to a man's overall happiness, it cannot be his mission. He will not be fulfilled if he obsesses over his wife and children.

Find what drives you-- money, ego, power, or altruism. Work toward that and you will find your validation

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True true. Mine is my job (which was my dream job as a kid and took me many years to achieve), and my hobbies. Long term goal is to use my job which I love to build a good retirement so I can spend the last years of my life crushing my hobbies.

[–]mtdog0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I come here for validation.

Works like a charm.

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have stuggled with this as well, but I had my shit together before I met my wife in college.

1) I was in great shape. I played H.S. football and liked the feeling of being in shape. Even developed my own workout plan for the off-season while in HS. Coaches were amazed at my fitness level when we started 2-a-days in the summer.

2) I had a fucking plan. Was poor (but happy) growing up and I wanted to be sucessful - hence college, good grades, internships with Fortune 500 companies. Landed a job with a top consulting firm when I graduated.

3) Lots of friends. I was a fucking fun person to be around. Partied a lot.

4) DNGAF and took shit fom no one. Was under-privileged and went to school with privledeged kids all my life. So had to develop an internal sense of worth at an early age.

5) Was great with finances (always had some kind of job) and even bought an "almost new" car with my own money as a Jr. in college.

All that I did for myself. It was shit for me...not for any pussy. I did not need her (which she knew) and that is why she was atteacted to me. Validation is fucking needy which is not attractive. You've got to detemine your own mission for you. What's your plan? That's all that matters. She is along for the ride or not.

I have slowly began to understand why I was so awesome in college and basically lost my way a bit in my 30's.

[–]Soberskipper0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Your obsession for validation internal or external shows Me that you haven't really swallowed the red pill at all and you haven't fully unplugged. Have you read ALL the books and sidebar? Ten bucks says you haven't!!! Internal Validation is nothing more than your inner hamster trying to justify your desions that your making, especially the sacrifices. Your doing this because the blue pill mindset still calls at you...eg. That voice in your head that says you cba going to do legs tonight at the gym, but you make the correct desion and go anyway. Then you self validate yourself in your mind afterwards like "yeah I'm a fucking beast I did legs at 10pm after a 10 hour shift!". Eventually if you keep making the correct desions and reading the correct material you understand thats all it is, desion making on how to become the best male for yourself that's humanly possible. Once you achieve this mindset you no longer crave either internal or external validation because you already KNOW your desion making is correct and therefore you don't give a fuck about others and thier opinions...yours is king. However that doesn't mean that you don't take on board opinions of those that may hold value to you. Life is tough, Man the fuck up.

[–]vincedecola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your obsession for validation internal or external shows Me that you haven't really swallowed the red pill at all and you haven't fully unplugged.

Bang. That was a dagger. This is true and I have a lot of work ahead of me.

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Intermittent fasting. Go 24 or 48 hours without eating. Drink only water and black coffee. Doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. It's proving to ourself that you have the will most people cannot fathom.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

But I need more, more ways for internal validation. More actions.

You might consider reading that a couple times. Sounds pathetic. Maybe you should check out /u/stonepimpletilists blog and get out of your own head. View of your navel never changes.



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