Making the wife "feel"

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January 31, 2017

I've had a variety of shit tests come my way, and one type that I'm sure I'm not handling correctly involves her telling me how I her make her "feel." Guilty, bad, sad, angry, etc.

I've been much more productive since being introduced to RP (up at 5:30 am, lifting 6x per week, keeping house spotless without saying a word, putting phone away at home, working outside the house on a schedule instead of at home), and I'm definitely not looking for praise from her, but these accusations are throwing me off each time they are lobbed at me while being productive.

I finished NMMNG and am halfway through WISNIFG. I've been doing some fogging with these accusations "I can see how you might feel that way" and as I write this, I think I could do some more negative inquiry "I have been talking less and listening more. What is about this that makes you feel bad?"

I wonder if there is a way to handle these tests that prompt her to consider how she's the master of her feelings. I recognize RP is not about "she" it's about "I" and just interested to get your take on how to handle this.

Most of these interactions end up with me getting called a jerk at the end (not always a bad thing, I know) -- I'd like to know how to occasionally get a smile out of her instead and help her laugh about it or at the very least recognize the immaturity in blaming bad feelings on another person.

Post Information
Title Making the wife "feel"
Author stew7000
Upvotes 8
Comments 47
Date 31 January 2017 11:25 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGshit testliftNMMNG

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ask her point blank, "am I responsible for making you feel good? Your feelings are important but I can't change them, they're yours not mine" . This is the time to go BROKEN RECORD.

Then detach the emotion hose. Don't try to fix her, just be that oak in the storm we talk about.

If she still insists on you being responsible for her feelings well that's codependency. You need to establish boundaries and or separate from her at that point.

[–]Coniferous_881 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'd argue that perhaps the OP should ask himself if he feels responsible for making her feel good...sidebar/decide/learn that he shouldn't, and then detach the emotional hose. There may be no need for such an overt encounter (directly asking her) since women deal in covert communication she should pick up it rather quickly. Also, he needs to internalize this concept before he initiates such a direct approach. Thoughts?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women are primarily covert communicators, true, but you can and must move them to overt communication sometimes. This is a boundary issue to me, and that necessitates being direct. Sometimes you need to nudge them in the right direction also.

This is a personal anecdote that has worked well for me. It's not an instant cure but really something that needs to be repeated broken record style. She can answer any number of ways, "I'm venting" or "you're not" for example. As long as it is not "but you are". I'm just trying to get her to acknowledge her feelings are hers, and maybe articulate what she's really saying. Usually there's a deeper level.

[–]Coniferous_881 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That makes sense- thanks for the additional insight!

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've done this. And she does seem to respect it. Later in the day she'll teasingly call me a "meanie" and be more flirtatious in general. I'll try to mix it up with this and the AA/AM stuff the other guys in this thread recommended.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret8 points9 points  (7 children) | Copy

At various points in this lengthy set of comments by /u/jacktenofhearts are some nice "advanced fogging" insights on how to engage your wife emotionally without being beta about it. These may be a useful complement to A&A.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I needed to read that again.

[–]MRPsurf1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Man, I miss jackten posts. I read that one when it was posted, shortly after I discovered MRP, and I thought I got it at the time, but it hits a lot harder now after realizing I've spent a year mostly taking the second approach he outlined, with occasional beta pussy regressions to the third (which pre RP was the only one I could think of), and all of a sudden it clicks what my wife means when she says I'm a selfish asshole who's incapable of empathy. That whole thing pretty much just spoke directly to me. Actually most of his posts read like they're written directly for me. A lot of his shit is practically sidebar reading for me. Thanks for the link.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

he never admitted it, but I swear he's studied Vinkatesh Rao. That's narrative based leadership if I've ever seen it.

Breaks down the cadence, cold hearted-listening, everything.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the pointer to Rao's work!

Jack admits he got it from somwhere, but he doesn't say where; that's a good guess.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Theres a lot of value in studying OODA loops, Transational analysis, narrative decision making... It's the nuts and bolts of how we interact.

And to be honest, Rao's title of his latest 'be slightly evil' made it a perfect fit for the RP fascination with Dark triad behaviors. You can only circlejerk about Machiavelli so much before you need to start applying this stuff

[–]Texas_Sir0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn that was good.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is deep - thank you for sharing. Will need to re-read a few times.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy

It's a comfort test. She sees the distance between you and her, and wonders what your real intentions are. So, are you doing these things so that she'll feel that way? WISNIFG is good, especially the assertive bill of rights, but some of other stuff are best saved when she's on a tirade.

AA/AM are your go to here:

  • "Why did you do that?" Because I'm a man of action.
  • "I feel bad when you do this." Here, let me make you feel better.
  • "You're pissing me off right now!" Great, my evil plan is working.

But also, just be present. Putting the phone away is a great start, but happy spirits, flirting, and a little kino will reassure her that you're not a grump focused on what she's doing wrong, but a man who just gets things done.

[–]stew7000[S] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

I'm guilty of seeming grumpy as I get shit done. I'll up turn the knob toward happy a couple notches. What do you do after saying "let me make you feel better"?

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Kino, ass grab, ass smack, pull her in for a kiss etc. Be playful. Expect resistance at first, especially if you haven't improved shit yet.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you

[–]resolutions3163 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I experience the same thing - so focused on getting shit done that I put on "serious face" and forget to have fun.

That's been a big part of my "phase 2" (assuming phase 1 was "WTF is this MRP thing") - remembering to ENJOY life and pass that joy on to everyone else, including her.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely the phase I'm trying to ease into as well.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I get this often, assume I'm grumpy, comfort tests it.

She won't accept you saying you're not grumpy, and drop it, and nattering on tend to make you a little miffed.

Own it, AA all the way. build it up with a huge boogeyman, all manners of 'controlling the flow of conversation' (RPS post, look it up).

I want to have a serious talk, I can't believe you don't know, this is been going on far too long etc? Like how you would react if she killed your dog kind of tension build up.

Then at the end? Babe, you ate the last slice of bread. I don't think we can do this anymore.

another tool

[–]stew7000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

lol I will definitely try this role reversal thing with the last slice of bread. She told me I was "objectifying her" today when I complimented her outfit (I probably went a little overboard, she looked great), and later after I showered she complimented me on my looks and I teasingly said not to objectify me. She ate that up.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

She's calling you a jerk because you are robotically repeating lines you read from WISNIFG. There are good tools in that book, but I agree with the others who say AA/AM are better here. Starting these sparingly since you'll probably mess them up until you get the hang of it. STFU if you are unsure of how to respond.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah STFU is a great failsafe.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But remember, don't just go radio silent. Keep any answers to the point and short. Then, STFU as she tries to prod you.

[–]drty_prRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

They are her feelings stew. Not yours. They will always be there. She is a woman after all.

You know what happens when she stops having feelz? She is boring.

Someone said it earlier and I agree. I'm not a big fan of fogging. My wife looks at me like I'm an idiot and I never get the desired result. STFU is better.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah. Fogging has confused her, but also seems to de-escalate things. I need to keep practicing AM as I'm sure that will be best. Her brothers do that flawlessly with her.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would say that certain skills are better for certain dudes personalities. Myself, AM seems to be my natural setting. AA works good too, but it's more labored. Therefore, harder to make it come off naturally.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why are you taking your wife seriously?

Also, why aren't you giving any context to the feel.

If she says she feels bad because you called her a fat whore it's a little different than her saying she feels bad you're doing more productive things than she is.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Context is being more productive. I agree that I need to work on not taking it so seriously and just kid around.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

So do it

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

On it. Your blog rules btw.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Try AA or AM, fogging is not your only tool. Make it fun rather than Dr.Phil.

When I first stopped taking my wife so seriously all the time I got plenty of "you're a jerk, can't you take anything seriously?", to which I'd usually just give her a "you know what I take very seriously ", or something along those lines. Usually followed up with an eye roll on her part.

But slowly the eye rolls started giving way to smiles, the jerk comments slowly started coming less frequently, and often times I just get her to burst out laughing now. Sure, sometimes she's still pissy but more often than not whatever is bugging her goes away with the laughter and she's on to the next emotional roller coaster ride.

I can say with some confidence that sticking with it AND being more attractive in her eyes is what changed her reaction. Be attractive, don't be unattractive. Sometimes cocky, fun guy just needs some time until she starts to see you that way again.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Great point with the DPhil reference. I'll lighten up. Question: are AA and AM concepts from Rational Male? Where can I read more in depth on AA / AM?

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Read the sidebar materials, it's all there.

Edit: I'll recommend Book of Pook for getting you in the right frame to take her less seriously and have some fun with it.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've read that post and it's great. Haven't seen a similar one for AA although it's discussed here frequently so I get the gist.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Book of Pook - perfect I'll queue that one up.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't even understand the issue here. She says some things - so what? Why say anything at all? Unless it manifests in some conduct that actually matters to you - which you haven't described - then honestly what difference does it make?

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. It's an ongoing struggle to stop caring so much about how my wife feels or says how she feels. I don't show my care like I've done in the past, but I'm sure I can't totally hide it from her. I'll up my efforts here. Her actions that go along with her words haven't been problematic, so you're correct in saying these are just words.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Question for you... how is your frustration tolerance

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Better than it has been, but from this post I'm recognizing that I'm needlessly internalizing things.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You likely appear frustrated with her when she shit tests you rather than playful.

try the less serious approach.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Will do thank you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Be 100% honest.

I don't care about any of this prattle. (add clever wit here) and slap her on the ass.

I guarantee she is only concerned about how this affects her. It doesn't, and once you establish that, she will shut the fuck up.

Or not, then just slap it hard enough to leave a mark. at least then the conversation is about how you left a mark on her ass. Gives her a direction to shit on you for something at least

[–]bsutansaltRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you can get a woman to emotionally align with your goals, life is going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier for you. My go-to is "how would you feel if..." and then I flip around whatever I'm dealing with as if it were to apply to her. Unless she's a sociopath she's going to feel the problem and identify with my position. Do that and you're golden for about 80% of the issues you need to use it for. It's not foolproof, but it works the overwhelming majority of the time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

prompt her to consider how she's the master of her feelings.

You might as well try cold fusion. This will never happen. You're missing the point in any case. Her feelings are her feelings and you are letting them become yours.

Do I have to make some stupid weather vane analogy? I think I do. There's an old farm house not far from here with a rusty weather vane atop a cupola. Wind blows. It don't move. It just sits there rusty and still. Your wife is the wind Stew and you need to be more like that weather vane.

Stop caring so much about her every emotion. That's her lookout and it'll just exhaust and distract you Stew. I've been thinking of painting that weather vane. If I do, it'll be a work titled Stew7000.

Get rusty Stew.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol. I will remember this, thank you.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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