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Custody reality

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October 26, 2016
6 upvotes

This question is for those that are divorced and have kids (though I welcome answers from anyone.)

My kids are my life right now. I love them dearly and I enjoy spending as much time with them as possible. The separation/divorce is moving full steam ahead. I intend to file for full primary custody based on the actions of my wife. I don't see the courts leaning in my favor though. Based on other guys I know and their circumstances.

Once you realized that you would have to split time, how did you handle it? I hate the idea of not reading them a book and not tucking them in every night.


Post Information
Title Custody reality
Author postscript1114
Upvotes 6
Comments 22
Date 26 October 2016 12:30 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206952
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/59h8oq/custody_reality/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Here's the number one thing you can do based on what I read in your OYS where you said that you "had enough" to take them from your wife because she is making "bad choices" but you didn't want to: DO IT

If you can, DO IT. I'd really revisit that decision. If you end up having to split time then you have to make sure the time you do have is the best it can be. Technology is your friend on this one I imagine.

[–]postscript1114[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Technology is your friend on this one I imagine.

What do you mean by this?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What do you think? To not only keep in touch by text, FaceTime etc but also to monitor their schoolwork through blackboard etc and things like that. You got them here, too bad you picked a shitty woman to be their mom so do what you need to do so your progeny don't end up yet another force that diminishes the world for the rest of us

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is true but it is very dependent on the ex-wife. From my experience, they can be a real barrier, and during their time they may block you out completely

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My kids are my life right now

A part of your life. I have 2 kids that are at the cute stage of still needing me (7 & 4) I'm not saying this as an absent dad, but a man. They are a part of your life, they are not your life.

how did you handle it?

You tell them that. You tell them that Daddy loves them more than anything else in the world and that while you would have loved for it to work with their mom, the planets didn't align.

Then you tell them that whenever they think of you, know that you're thinking of them too.

Write them stories so they can read your words since you can't read to them. Make it count when you can see them.

I read to my kids every night, I feel the pain, anxiety, and rage that would come from this happening and I'm only thinking of it. I understand the feeling even though I'm not in that situation.

Just be an example for your kids to follow and ensure they know that this has nothing to do with your love for them.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

This is a victim puke and you are using your kids to do it.

You are not accepting the reality of your new life, or, that you helped make that new life what it is as of now.

You are mentally playing the role of martyr dad.

Martyr dads do not do as well in divorce settlements as martyr moms.

Knock this crap off, and start dealing with the new reality now.

Once you get real in your expectations, your children will benefit greatly.

[–]postscript1114[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Sure, there is a little victim puke, but I am truly seeking advice for the future. I'm aware of my role in the past, but I'm done dwelling on it. I have a future to look forward to with my kids. I don't know how being the better parent in the situation can be considered a martyr. Please explain?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Three pieces to your post:

I intend to file for full primary custody based on the actions of my wife.

This is very positive and has merit. Next….

I don't see the courts leaning in my favor though. Based on other guys I know and their circumstances.

It might be h-h-a-a-a-r-r-d to get more than 1/2 custody….. So this assumption starts you down the victim path….

Once you realized that you would have to split time, how did you handle it? I hate the idea of not reading them a book and not tucking them in every night.

You are down the path and working under assumption that you can not prevail over your bitch of a soon-to-be ex-wife. You are mentally accepting the defeat like a true victim….. and letting out an emotional preview of your victim plight.

You are now in for the fight of your life. Get rid of being the victim and start sticking it to your ex-wife hard and fast. Pull no punches, no excusing her shitty behavior (or yours). Fight Fight Fight……. or lay down and whine about you plight - your choice. Whine about not getting to tuck em into bed at night.

Now you have to be the man your children need.

[–]postscript1114[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Thank you for explaining further. I agree with what you have said. Much of the negative that I am assuming is based on posts I've read on this sub. I will need to do a better job of filtering the information. Thank you again for the friendly bitch slap.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

friendly bitch slap.

Good description! Best.

[–]postscript1114[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I look at these little bitch slaps a little differently than some of the other noobs. I don't get butthurt by them. Every time some one responds with one of these "slaps" it leaves a red mark. Ideally the mark won't go away.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

Hmm, interesting.

I'm a guess the opening was her idea?

As for your question, I'm curious, you were told to get into the sidebar readings a few months back, have you done it?

And as for your question, I don't have kids, I have friends who have oneitis to their kids like you, and there's been a few posters here who have the same. I assume you've built a legal defense to ensure as much time with them as possible? You've ensured you live in a kid-friendly area with good schools, document the child care you do, know them inside and out (blood type, friends, all that shit looks good in court) and have a case your lawyer suggests is a good, solid way to prove 50% custody at least, full custody at best (fools errand)?

IS your question the logistics of how to be a good dad, or dealing with your feelings here? Because if it's feelings, you don't have a choice, you get over it, or you sulk. Feelings are what got you cucked and upgraded, perhaps it's time you evaluate how great your feelings really are

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don't miss a lick

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Usually when someone has a one off like this, you can learn much through a little research

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

you were told to get into the sidebar readings a few months back, have you done it?

Maybe he's not one for reading the sidebar.

Either way, someone on MRP said if you can't stand in the epicenter of the scorched earth that was once your life and not be able to smile you ain't got what it takes to be successful. Hence why divorce is always on the table. Hence sidebar material being mandatory to read. So a guy can get comfortable with that possible outcome and still focus on being better.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

/u/Ex_addict_bro figured out a way to be at peace with some beta schlub being weekday dad and still get his kids raised right, OP would do well to learn from him in this

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Beta or not, this concept drives me crazy. Divorce without kids is a joke compared to with kids. That's why everyone considering kids should think long and hard to make sure they picked the right mom.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Raised. Raised right debatable

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Always is.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Mind that divorce is not a choice between a walk to the park and a trip to the pool. Op is beyond any hope and I don't care about him any more.

Debatable, of course. And not past tense, I'm raising them still. What I need to absolutely make sure that they won't be posting about blue pill pushover dad living in an open relationship with a crack whore. The rest will probably sort itself out.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The rest will probably sort itself out

Well there you go then