Cliff notes: Wife doesn't want to travel twice for the holidays within a month time-frame (Thanksgiving and the week before Christmas). All things considered, the logistics of doing this with 4 small kids is not ideal, though not impossible. She flat out told she's not doing trip #1.

Not going is not an option in my mind. Do I plan for all of us and be able to accommodate her and the brood if hell freezes over? Or just expect to fly solo and improvise if one or more kids are sent to tag along? Also, what's the proper amount of sharing my plans to make all of this work when asked without it being DEERing?

For those of you with time on your hands...Without going into a convoluted backstory, there has always been unspoken tension between the Mrs. and my side of the family. We're not talking friction stemming from serious, intentionally malicious, and premeditated acts, but petty shit...minor or imagined grievances that no one ever wants to air and move on from. (I'll give you all a moment to recover from the shocked relief that there are more like you out in the world) One of these sticking points has to do with face-time, especially around the holidays. (again...another pause while you collect yourself)

A primary BP fault of mind is indecisiveness, and as the sounding-board between both sides in this equation, old-me would normally just go along with whatever party guilted me the most and hamster reasons to assuage the "losing" team. I'm a lot further along than I was about 3 years ago, though still in the process of unfucking myself and improving my marriage. This includes working on having, making known, and sticking to an opinion in matters both large and small.

The pot had already been getting stirred by my mom, aunt, and wife over the past month with regards to Thanksgiving and I decided clarity was needed. So yesterday I told the Mrs. I think we need to commit to Thanksgiving with my immediate and extended family. (So we can plan out all the other details around the trip/s. FWIW, we'll be spending time with my parents the week before Christmas and doing "formal" Christmas with her side.) This went over about as well as you'd expect and the ensuing discussion included a lot of bullshit reasons from her for why it wouldn't be a good idea. We have 4 small kids and the 3hr drive has potential to be hellish, so while I could understand where she's coming from, there wasn't enough weight behind her disagreements to convince me otherwise.

I STFU for the most part and stuck to my position when questioned, even to the point of affirming that I was prepared to spend the holiday separated. (In hindsight, a healthy dose of fogging would've been better.) At the time, the basic stance she took was a curt "I'm not going."

It's worth noting that when she called me about an hour later with a couple questions, her tone was pleasant and there was no hint of butt-hurt from her end. (Might've been due to the presence of her sister.) Even when she came back home it was as if the earlier tiff never happened. Once the kids were in bed, she asked for a few minutes to chat. I can't recall all the exact language - and this post is long enough already - but it was something along the lines of: "I'm not trying to be difficult or undermine you as the head of our family, but I just want you to see this from my side," followed by calm explanations of the stress involved in making this trip, let alone twice in the given time frame. I fully understood her reasoning since it's as big of a pain in my ass too, so more STFU from me; she closed by asking if I had any input to which I simply replied "not right now."