So I screwed up and what I should have done

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August 15, 2016
10 upvotes

[What Happened] Things are still in a “cold war” status with wife even though she moved back in 3 weeks ago. Trying to deal with all my anger and frustration with balancing it against the IDGAF and being an awesome leader who is happy-go-lucky all the time IS A GIANT FUCKING CHORE! My emotional and mental muscles are weak. I only found them a few months ago and building them along with my body … it’s just hard right now and I am screwing it up.

So wife has to leave for a 2-day trip last Friday. Usually we have sexy-time the night before any trip for either of us as a send off. When she finally makes it to the bedroom, she says she’s too tired. Frankly her usual cunt-ish shit tests still rattle me. I was hiding minor butt-hurt from little stuff the last few days and I am working on it. I loose frame and admit that her game just isn’t enough to get me to have sex with her either. I really have to get to a place where I can make space for us and don’t look at her with feelings of contempt, but I digress.

I work at DGAF, smile and go to sleep. She mentions how strange it is that I’m “ok” with being rejected for sex and she doesn’t quite know how to handle it, but that it is a good thing. FUCK!

I struggle to sleep all night and finally get up at 0500 for a 4-mile run. She gets up at 0530 (completely out of character as she struggles to get out of bed before 0700) and gets ready for her trip. I get the kids up at 0600 to start the school day and hit the shower at 0645. At 0700 she comes in to say goodbye. All morning it has been “cold shoulder” from her. I’m toweling off as she comes in and says goodbye. Being a complete dumbass, I keep the cold war in effect and simply say goodbye and a simple peck on the lips. She leaves.

The weekend is actually fun. 13YO son and I build backyard furnaces (from YouTube video) for melting aluminum cans and have a great time melting about 1000! Science is fun! Things are cool all weekend.

She is heading home today (Sunday) and calls this morning. She is spending a leisurely morning eating breakfast with friends and saying goodbye. I’m cool on the phone but pissed at how she treats minor friends with decent goodbye’s and me with a bullshit cold shoulder peck on the lips after rejecting sex the night before.

[What I should have done] When she was being distant and bitchy Friday morning, I should have kept a cooler head. When she came to say goodbye in such dick-ish manner, I should have told her to wait a minute and finished toweling off. I should have told her that anything could happen on a trip like this and did she really want to say farewell the way she was? Then I should have told her she was being a horrible wife and with a cocky smile, told her I would have to punisher her when she got home. I should have then kissed her good and hard, slapped her butt and sent her on her way.

A high value man would have handled the situation more like this, from a place of strength and confidence. I need to manage the way out of this cold war instead of waiting for her to make the moves.

I have no doubt that my analysis is lacking. Please help me figure out additional ways I screwed this up and anyway to move past being so easily hurt. Thanks for the counsel and help.


Post Information
Title So I screwed up and what I should have done
Author RecoveringBPAddict
Upvotes 10
Comments 18
Date 15 August 2016 02:21 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207241
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4xrfuf/so_i_screwed_up_and_what_i_should_have_done/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
frameshit testgame
Comments

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

What you did regarding the farewell was better than what you think you should have done. Read your own post, and answer this: which approach reeks more of validation seeking and beta supplication?

When mine acts like this, I act as though nothing is out of the ordinary (because her shitty attitude is a fucking joke, so no need to take it seriously), give her the mouth peck, say "love ya!" with a grin on my face, and let her hamster the details. Never mention the encounter again. If she "wants to talk about this morning" or last night, don't. You are too busy (or at your stage pretending to be too busy) to sit on the phone discussing nonsense like this.

You seem not to be getting it yet, and you're new, so I'll be nice: Obviously DO NOT say you are too busy to talk about this. Pretend you aren't paying attention and change the subject (another understated shit test passing technique for this place). If she tries to pull you back into her frame to discuss her pointless emotional childishness, it's "look, babe, I gotta go. Ttyl."

Edit: try actually not giving a fuck. Stop letting the emotional tantrums of an adult-sized toddler affect your life.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

because her shitty attitude is a fucking joke, so no need to take it seriously

This key. I'm not there yet.

Pretend you aren't paying attention and change the subject (another understated shit test passing technique for this place). If she tries to pull you back into her frame to discuss her pointless emotional childishness, it's "look, babe, I gotta go. Ttyl."

This is gold! Thanks for the advice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I second what /u/A_Rex said about what you did was better than what you think you should have done.

In addition to "being too busy" to hash it out with her, realize that you don't owe her explanations or attention for not behaving the way she wants you to. She is operating out of a covert contract here--if she acts bitchy, you will respond in a certain way. When you don't, she wants to "talk." Start being independent. Don't be an asshole, but let her start seeing that your emotions aren't driven by hers, and if she wants to be "cold", or a bitch, or whatever, you withhold your attention and do something that is meaningful to you.

[–]redearththeory0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Pretend you aren't paying attention and change the subject (another understated shit test passing technique for this place). If she tries to pull you back into her frame to discuss her pointless emotional childishness, it's "look, babe, I gotta go. Ttyl."

Yeah, agreed. That's quality.

[–]redearththeory6 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

I’m cool on the phone but pissed at how she treats minor friends with decent goodbye’s

You need to look at what you are trying to get from your wife emotionally. Then stop trying to get that from her. Any emotional neediness from you will be met with her disgust. She is not your friend.

A high value man would have handled the situation more like this, from a place of strength and confidence.

A high value man would need nothing from her emotionally and be waiting for her to get out the door so he could go do fun shit. She'd be a bit hesitant to leave for fear of missing out on the fun or him having too much fun elsewhere. She's want to fuck him good before she left to remind him of what he has.

The weekend is actually fun. 13YO son and I build backyard furnaces (from YouTube video) for melting aluminum cans and have a great time melting about 1000! Science is fun! Things are cool all weekend.

That sounds cool. I'm totally doing that with my boys when they're older.

[–]The_Litz1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You need to look at what you are trying to get from your wife emotionally. Then stop trying to get that from her

Spot on.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

You need to look at what you are trying to get from your wife emotionally. Then stop trying to get that from her. Any emotional neediness from you will be met with her disgust. She is not your friend.

This is yet another bitter part of the pill. Honestly, part of me doesn't' want to believe that she is not my friend. But, ... this stuff has been burning down real deep and I have to watch what she does, not what she says. The bitch left me. She is not my friend. I need a dog.

[–]redearththeory2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

This is yet another bitter part of the pill. Honestly, part of me doesn't' want to believe that she is not my friend.

For me, this was probably the most attractive blue pill lie. That my wife would be my best friend. That I would have an equal partner who would shoulder her share of responsibility and face life's problems with me. Someone who would support me and love me when things were difficult and not going well. Someone I could lean on. And we'd just have lots of sex and talk about life. I was fine with equality. Sounds great.

But it is a lie. More that a decade of my experience is 100% consistent - whenever I pursue any of the above statements my wife reacts with disgust and despises me for my weakness. Looking back I can see the pattern clear as day. Because that's what women do and its not their fault. She is what she is. She is not my friend.

[–]Actionreduction1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

and when I'd come across old school guys who's wives would say, my husband never talks to me about his problems, I'd think what a stone cold loser. If he doesn't share the problems he's facing with his wife, he must have some real emotional issues. sigh. Now I know.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

There is a small, detailed caveat. At some point way down the line when you've built your frame and you no longer go spewing your emotions and problems unchecked, there will be times where opening up and sharing the emotions you are feeling is a positive event with your wife. And those moments will be times when you draw her in closer to who you are. Men are the romantics. But it must be controlled and shared with care. She will remember those moments as special times where you let your guard down for a brief moment...with her. Emotional vulnerability is important to building and retaining attractive when used correctly.

[–]redearththeory0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Emotional vulnerability is important to building and retaining attractive when used correctly.

Very important nuance. I remember once reading someone discussing this with Cad. The attractive behavior you're talking about is not vulnerability, its more like "not-defended-ness".

Vulnerability - the quality of being easily hurt or attacked.

What you're talking about is openly sharing information that a sensitive, validation seeking beta would be scared to share. This demonstrates that you're so strong she can't hurt you and you don't GAF what she thinks or does.

Example:

Plate (trying to make him jealous) - I have a new personal trainer.

Spinner - Good, I hope he's buff...anyway, be over at my place at 8pm and bring some food.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A submissive, sexy, feminine wife who follows your lead is better than a bitchy friend. A lot better.

Friends are golden but a good wife is worth more than rubies. Who can find them?

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wtf did this get downvoted?

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That sounds cool. I'm totally doing that with my boys when they're older.

Yes. It was just all fun and games until we figured out that water steam flashes when it comes into contact with liquid metal! There was a moment where liquid Aluminum was flying around after a water droplet exploded in our ingot casting (old muffin tin). At first we laughed and then the look of "this shit just got real" passed between son and I. We decided to be much more careful after that. It was awesome fun though!

[–]ChngChek1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Some sage advice here for you already. Just an observation: her comment about how it was strange you were ok with the rejection, then that she didn't know how to handle it and it's probably a good thing.... well that was just another shit test. You tried to show a bit of frame, and she was immediately knocking on it. Expect more of this.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dam. I completely missed this one. I have a lot of work to do recognizing shit tests. Thanks for pointing it out.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Carry on bro. You are having an effect and the hamster is starting to run.

Now you need to end the cold war and be a leader. Yes it is hard. If it was easy everyone would do it

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I need to figure out a way to genuinely end the cold war. She will see right through any crap I fake up. I feel ton's of pressure with my kids asking me to keep the family together. I have to figure out how to genuinely forgive and move on in a healthy manner that is best for me. I have to be open to her joining me if she so chooses within the frame that I design.

I will get there ... somehow.

I know, I know ... Read, lift, STFU! Thanks for the encouragement.



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