Gaslighting responses

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June 28, 2016

This is a topic I haven't seen covered in much detail anywhere else, but also one of my wife's favorite tactics. Basically she will make broad accusations that are not true, or occasionally specific ones.


  • "You never spend time with me." (said the Monday after a weekend filled with shared activities)
  • "You never compliment me." (said the same day I know I've complimented her)
  • "You're always at the gym." (My gym schedule is reasonable and has long been established)
  • "What did you do with my hair clip, I saw you messing with it earlier." (Obviously false, never touched it and found it where she dropped it. She was just angry for other reasons.)

I understand why she's saying these things, and I understand that her hamster has convinced her that these things are actually true. However, to A&A, AM, or fogging seems to acknowledge that I agree with the root of her shit test. To start listing the obvious reasons that what she's saying makes no sense, is to DEER and will not work (again, I think she actually believes what she's saying is true).

I guess ignoring is the least worst response, but she uses this a lot so it'd be nice to have something else.

Post Information
Title Gaslighting responses
Author yankee_tree
Upvotes 13
Comments 23
Date 28 June 2016 01:55 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:
A&ADEERhamstershit testgaslighting

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia11 points12 points  (4 children) | Copy

You never spend time with me.


You never compliment me.

Only because when I see your ass, it leaves me speechless.

You're always at the gym.

Yep, my girlfriend doesn't like to let me leave.

What did you do with my hair clip, I saw you messing with it earlier.

Mailed it to Fort Detrick for extensive testing.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You are a A&A Jedi . I stand in awe.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Oh please, it took him 10 minutes to come up with those. That is mastery but it is not a master. More like a masturbator. :)

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Double major'ed in masterbaiter as a hobby.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

If she knows they're not true, then mocking them isn't going to make them seem more true. Only DEERing gives her reason to suspect her free-jazzing ideas of why she's unhappy or bored at the moment makes her think she is hitting the mark.

She's throwing out everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink at the canvas (you) and sees what sticks.

Make a face. :-/ when you A.A.

There's a way to say "Oh my God, you're right, we never do." and make it sound like you're in agreement, or pointing out how ridiculous.

Also, don't forget when in doubt you can't go wrong just not saying anything. ie. STFU

I also like to obviously change the subject when I feel like free-riffing is just her off gassing emotional boredom.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just when I think I have it all figured out. A little gem like this comes along. Well done sir, well done.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is absolutely golden. Amused mastery at its finest.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you start to get too much of "you never" and "you always" its usually not a good sign. One thing that i never accepted, even in my bp days, is my ltr being angry at something and disrespecting me because of that. If you really want to answer not in a a&a way, you could STATE "We will talk when you are being reasonable/not acting like a child" and then go do something productive. Dont engage the hamster.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

to A&A, AM, or fogging seems to acknowledge that I agree with the root of her shit test.

Male Hamster and untrue.

This is a woman screaming for masculine control.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

PROTIP: anything she says about you, add a "right now" at the end.

It's how women feel in the moment. The truth of their words isn't needed, but nice to have, totally incidental. It's a Machiavellian thing. The right combination of words to elicit the desired emotional outcomes.

It's covered plenty in the "how women talk" part on trp sidebar, the Gervais principle too a lesser extent.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've got it - some of those are shitty comfort tests. If you escalate with AA/AM then she'll think you're an insensitive prick and will blow up at you. If you placate or DEER then she'll be almost as angry.
Assertiveness is almost always the right answer, but it has to be done calmly from within your frame. As /u/jacktenofhearts likes to say, play it right down the middle with stoicism. If the only responses that come to mind will make things worse for you, then STFU. Read Jack's response as well as OP in the last link.
If you are calm enough to respond with a question that isn't snarky or butthurt, that can work as well.
Get out of the business of fixing her emotional state, but feel free to explore it as you see fit. It's the emotions and subtext that matter to her, not the specifics of where you went and when. Engage or don't, but on your terms.

[–]redearththeory1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mine did the same thing for years. The thing to understand is that the logic, facts and details are not the point and that's why she doesn't worry about them. She's just attacking to try to force you to let her decide how you will behave. Laugh and respond with your favorite shit test response. Counter attack a little yourself maybe. But, consistently show her that these tactics will NOT give her the results she wants from you.

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gaslighting is just another shit test. A&A is anything but legitimizing.

"What did you do with my hair clip? I saw you messing with it earlier." "I added it to my collection. Finders keepers, losers weepers."

[–]grs_srg1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This post is exactly what I posted about today, goes to show AWALT...

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You never spend time with me:

You'll have to learn how to share.

You never compliment me:

I love how awesome you make me look!

You're always at the gym:

Sure am, how else would I satisfy my ego.....

Where's my hair clip.

Someone must have taken it.... I will see if I can get it back......

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

She doesn't believe these statements. They are shit tests, plain and simple. She's expressing her emotional state by making absurd statements designed to elicit a reaction from you. If you address them directly in any fashion, you lose. The tried and true techniques like A&A, pressure flip, etc are perfect for this type of bullshit. Can't use ignore all the time or you'll come off as withdrawn and possible socially inept.

Tl;dr - She's being silly. Be silly too.

[–]plein_old3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

She doesn't believe these statements.

This. Follow all this advice /u/yankee_tree .

P.S. 3/4 of your examples are definitely not gaslighting.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

She doesn't believe these statements.

I agree 100% on your reply, with the exception of the the above comment. IMO, in the moment she believes this shit 100%. This type of behavior/rhetoric, and particular use of superlatives like never/always, is what comes from combining the FEELZ and solipsism. I have never met a woman that did not talk this way when the FEELZ get high enough.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

She believes 100% that she FEELZ that way at that moment - but she doesn't actually believe the truth of the statement itself. If she bothered thinking logically, which she doesn't, she'd have no choice but to agree that the statements are untrue. That's why I love the pressure flip, and I don't think it gets recommended enough on here. It forces her to confront the abject absurdity of her statement without actually engaging. YMMV, but I've found that pressure flipping these superlative shit tests reduces future occurrences of them.

Example: "you never spend time with me anymore". You: "holy shit! Then who the hell was on our couch watching TV with me last night?!" If she persists or makes a disapproving comment, then amplify to absurdity by saying something like "you're right honey. Tomorrow we're having security cameras installed so no one can sneak in here and hang out with me on the sly again".

The only caution is to gauge the context. My technique is gold for dealing with these if they are straight up shit tests. If you've been distant for a while and these are shitty comfort tests as u/irateMD postulates, you may need to use the approach he outlines in his comment

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Solid advice. Thanks for the reply.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How long have you been married ?

[–]JuniperSunshineSomebody's wife0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Does anyone else think the first three sound like comfort tests? They all sound like "I miss you, do you miss me too? Am I still beautiful to you?"

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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