Wife has agreed after next child I will be seeing other women. Advice for those that have been or are in similar arrangements.

PurpleVeteran · 2016-05-12T16:22:32+00:00

Eight years in and you got her pregnant, only to realize she's BPD... so you ~~decided~~ threaten to leave her unless she lets you sleep around? That's pretty fucked up man.

Trying to be clear about the terms of this by focusing on painting a very vivid picture of this new reality, forcing her to confront it.

Rubbing her nose in it.

Spending lots of time validating her and making her feel appreciated, but maintaining firm boundaries that monogamy ends when this child is born.

"You're appreciated babe. Don't get me wrong, you're completely broken, but that's what I love about you."

Maintaining that if this arrangement doesn't work that I will leave.

"Complain about it, and I'm gone! I dare ya!"

There's a serious reason why you don't apply dread to women in pregnancy or shortly thereafter. They are at the mercy of strong physical changes and hormones that tear at their self-image. Post-partum depression is real, and for someone with tendencies toward BPD, may drive them to the brink.

My reasoning is that if this doesn't work, then it would be the most egregious scam pulled on a woman in modern history, to see other women "for her."

Yeah, well-played.

Look, if this isn't the biggest troll, then you clearly have personality problems as deep as hers. Of course you don't want to see a shrink or counselor, because they'd tell you the same thing. So you come to TRP/MRP for a few pats on the back from all of the other angry, self-centered men. This isn't even a plan, no leadership, just a power-grab from someone whose wife is in a vulnerable place.

You wanna be a man? If you have to leave, then don't half-ass this, just get the divorce. Don't make her spend the next year in hell as some sort of payback. Don't spend 5-10 years dragging a family through this. Because if she really has been diagnosed with BPD (and not just your armchair opinion), then you're setting your child up for a horrible childhood of affairs and fights, that will still end in divorce (if not suicide).

Archwinger · 2016-05-12T17:29:04+00:00

I'm with you, man. I did some Google searching, and I think my wife can only really function normally if I beat her. She's normally a bitch, but she has this medical mental condition where if she's genuinely afraid of being harmed, and murdered if she tries to leave, she'll be manageable, stay in the marriage, and keep her mouth shut.

So I sat her down and put some dread on her. I told her that I needed to start beating the hell out of her for her own good, and what would happen if she left or told anybody about this.

I care about her, but I don't think she's manageable in a traditional, non-violent relationship.

blarggggggggggg · 2016-05-12T16:45:32+00:00

I understand you are probably at the end of your rope with a BPD woman and grasping at straws, but I'm not sure I understand your thinking here.

BPD is marked by intense fear of abandonment, real or imagined. Extreme mood instability and stuff like push/pull behavior to try to regulate these emotions.

By openly seeing other women, any imagined abandonment becomes 100% real and confirmed to her and the bad behavior, jeckyl and hyde, rages, insane shit tests, all of it, will only get much much worse. You are basically lighting a match in a dynamite shed. Better to bail than exacerbate a shitty situation and make your life even worse. Read up on 'Grey Rock' method of handling BPD, cut off all emotional fuel to her and drift away, get out as best you can.

EDIT: hate to say it but get yourself some fucking therapy - you are likely suffering complex PTSD from this relationship, if she's truly the BPD monster you claim.

ReddJive · 2016-05-12T16:10:08+00:00

MRP is about living quality lives within marriage. Not how to cheat or have an open relationship.

There are other subs for that.

If the relationship is that bad or you that unwilling to improve yourself then go ahead...divorce her. But don't come here looking for us to justify your decision then tell you the best way to do it.

Men keep their commitments until every effort is exhausted then move on. You want both sides and assume you have nothing to do with any of this.

Besides. Is this BPD of your diagnosis or is there an actual medical evaluation? People with BPD can and do live productive lives once it is treated appropriately.

Get your shit together and get your wife help

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T18:17:23+00:00

Um.

I'm going to ... you know..

On all of this.

Simplify.

Start with the mind. Then possibly with your marriage.

There's being smart about a situation. Then there's being borderline Asperger's cerebral about it.

MRPguy · 2016-05-12T22:45:59+00:00

LOL at OP's flair.

I've read some crazy shit today, and seen/treated some batshit crazy patients in my clinic, but this one takes the cake.

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T16:45:42+00:00

What the fuck are you even talking about? The BPD end game played out? "Have no interest in staying together" = don't then. But oh, her brain made me do it!! Let 'em know you're good at bullying the mentally ill. Panty dropper right there.

You're so full of shit I can smell it. Lol.

Chump_No_More · 2016-05-12T19:39:37+00:00

Somebody help me out here... which one again is BPD? I can't tell.

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T16:43:43+00:00

LOL.

Wife has agreed after next child I will be seeing other women.

Prediction before I read up... That this is a weird form of negotiating desire (just not with her) and her maintaining some level of control over you, or you possibly walking into a bipolar meat grinder with her blessing.

This doesn't read like the ultmatecad that does this already. It also sounds like you haven't really considered what her BPD may do when she flips the switch and comes after you. I couldn't tell you after a single post.

Either way, if I read your idea of a one sided relationship, I think you are going to be in for a horrible lesson on that soon. Most guys do it on the sly, and don't damage the wifes social standing, so there's an uncomfortable 'dont ask, dont tell' to it. The fact that you call her a man destroyer, yet don't think this will blow up in your face, on account of your oratory skills...

I really hope I'm wrong, but this sounds like a half measure. I always say about the professors dread:

A deliberate, and systematic set of steps to remove yourself from a shitty relationship, and into a better one, allowing enough time for the other party to get their shit together and keep you.

The fact that you're going as far as you are, and still being the providor seems off. She basically provides nothing to you but a uterus (that you've already used) and a babysitter (BPD babysitter FTW) and you bring the cash and prizes.

I hope you know what you're doing, because this is way out of what I would have as acceptable risk in my relationship

The more I read of this and your responses, the more I think you're walking into a trap. You may be able to act tought because she's all pregnant, but once she's firing on all cylinders, I'd be careful about your 'plan'

The fact you aren't even ready yet means youre winging it. not good

Luckily, with your one sided arrangement, some smart guy commented on engineering a situation where you cannot get cheated on

Also, you're entire posting history is about managing 'her'

And that you've been around a month, and haven't seemed to internalize even the begininer concepts.

Your boundaries sound like ultimatums, your enforcement of them is negligible (unless you have papers drafted and met with a lawyer, it's just talk) and your research seems to be non existent (or you wouldn't be asking on ATRP how to game women)

You won't listen to any of this, so this is for the reader who is trying to find value in this hail mary of an alpha attempt.

This could work, but the way OP implemented seems to have no preparation, thought, or risk assessment. His assumptions seem to ignore all kinds of very obvious signs, and his fragile ego tells me that it's going to blow up, probably before he even gets his first 'validation poon'

sh0ckley · 2016-05-12T21:01:29+00:00

My two cents: BPD is treatable but it's not biological. It's not a regular mental illness that can be treated with medication. I have some first hand experience around it.

The treatment that works is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy and there are professionally organized DBT groups for women with the disorder.

My suggestion regarding the boundary that might rectify this ugly situation - she gets professional help in the way of DBT, or get out and go for custody. No middle ground. If neither happens, then there are serious underlying codependency issues on both sides, and the biggest loser will be the kids.

If there is PTSD underneath the BPD (likely) or on the other side, then look for EMDR or SE (Somatic Experiencing) as pioneered in a book called "Waking The Tiger." In general stay the hell away from any "medication" because both these disorders can be symptoms of untreated addictive disorders and drugs make those worse, which most shrinks don't even know.

I am way off topic for MRP at this point but...

As soon as one person gets Well, then the relationship will heal, or it won't matter anyway.

And I agree with the other comments that the proposed plan is basically playing with matches at a fireworks warehouse. It's bad idea jeans.

I wish you the best.

FearDearg2015 · 2016-05-12T21:06:53+00:00

[deleted]

bitofawitch · 2016-05-12T21:41:26+00:00

This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I can't look away. Your post history is unbelievable. So many, many posts, and not a one could I find where you describe an actual interaction you've had with your wife. If you want advice, you have to provide people with some real evidence to work with.

How much of this is unresolved anger at her cheating on you last year? That must have felt very threatening when she's your meal ticket.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-05-13T03:55:07+00:00

This is sidebar material on the operation of the male hamster. Actually there is hamster and then there is this ridiculous shit. Negotiating, talking, using Dread game on a pregnant woman, self diagnosing BPD and using it to justify cheating. What could possibly go wrong?

Trying to be clear about the terms of this by focusing on painting a very vivid picture of this new reality, forcing her to confront it.

So...talking is the first thing you do? Think again. Maybe the SECOND thing you "do" will be something other than talking:

she is and will hopefully be the primary

Nope.

There is no evidence your wife is BPD. There is plenty of evidence that you are a sperg.

Edit: I read the 100 plus responses and your nice frame holding. My answer stays the same. You are clearly a sperg and have overanalyzed this. Pregnazoids are crazy but BPD women are often Lucifer's Daughters.

Have you even tracked this woman's regular cycles when she is not pregnant to determine if there is a regular pattern to her craziness?

By the way, I am an expert on personality disorders and have several academic publications on the topic. Borderlines are just the female version of Anti-social personality disorder. Men express it is violence while women express it in mind fucks and gas lighting. Neither responds well but both require evidence of the disorder from an early age and ruling out hormonal causes. The reality is that BPD, like all personality disorders is on a continuum and ALL of us are a little bit BPD and some are more and some are a LOT more. Some are even pathological over the entire life course and those are the only ones we diagnose with "BPD."

Typical female behavior- ESPECIALLY the behavior of a woman who is not controlled and well fucked by her man (yes I said it, fucking bring it, you know I am right) looks a fuck ton of a lot like BPD.

[deleted] · 2016-05-12T15:49:38+00:00

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PurpleVeteran · 2016-05-12T19:20:15+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Wife has agreed after next child I will be seeing other women. Advice for those that have been or are in similar arrangements.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	132
Date	May 12, 2016 3:36 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4j1996/wife_has_agreed_after_next_child_i_will_be_seeing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/wife-has-agreed-after-next-child-i-will-be-seeing.207433 https://theredarchive.com/post/207433

Comments

LOL at OP's flair.