She's on to me at every turn, like she knows of the matrix better than I ever realized

jacktenofhearts · 2015-11-20T10:38:29+00:00

Nothing is as simple as any of the prerequisites lay out, this girl requires exceptions to every rule

This is unlikely to actually be true.

Your victim puke is frustratingly vague. This is as much as I've been able to parse.

Part of what drew me to her in the first place was her independence, self awareness, and drive; now it's biting me in the ass.

OK, so your wife is a Type A, high-anxiety person, and you thought you were initially compatible because...

At first the synergy worked for us, happiest I had ever been

You were laid back, Mr. "Go with the Flow," and your easygoing and disarming nature would let her relax once in awhile, which she seemed to appreciate. She'd be the one meticulously planning some vacation, and you'd be the one going, "babe, it's vacation, not work!" And you'd appreciate all the organization that actually made the vacation happen, and she'd appreciate you reminding her to actually enjoy it.

, but it was an illusion and I spent those crucial first few months unknowingly setting up for my downfall.

Well, she evolved over the years into a hardcore ballbuster. This is because...

Family routine takes over 5 days a week, and I work nights

I suspect things were basically good until you had kids. Now, your family life is essentially a daily struggle for both you and your wife. Too many kids, not enough time and money. This results in "balls constantly getting dropped," for lack of a better word. Nagging home repairs never get done. Some bills get forgotten and end up paid late. There's a pattern of tunnel-visioning on immediate problems at the expense of doing whatever preparation is necessary for bigger decisions ahead.

Your wife resents this environment. She used to feel like she had her shit together, for lack of a better term. Now your household is just a constant reminder of how much shit is on the verge of falling apart. I suspect she got knocked up unexpectedly and that pushed the fast-forward button on marriage, well before either of you were in the positions you wanted to be, professionally or otherwise. So then you and her both got locked into stressful, underwhelming careers, which barely keeps you both afloat anyway.

Every step past stage 2 leads to a big event type situation, toxic word vomit, and a reset.

Your wife hates you. Not you, literally, but she hates where she's ended up. And you become a pretty easy target at that point. Her hamster has convinced her that you have let her down in so many ways you never even realized. Maybe if you were smarter or more disciplined, she wouldn't constantly feel like she always had to be the engine to keep this family running, or at least she'd feel like her family was succeeding because of her efforts instead of just barely avoiding breaking down.

Yet you're not entirely worthless. If you were, that would make this decision easy, she would just drop the dead weight and move on. But you bring enough to the family that divorce would surely mean her life would definitely get worse before it got better, maybe a lot worse, and she can't contemplate dealing with worse right now.

That's why she hates you. In her mind, her hamster, you're somehow the root cause of all of this. Which is why you probably deal with a torrent of verbal assaults from her on a daily basis. She's stuck with you, and she's not going to hesitate to make it known that everything sucks and it's all because of what a giant fucking loser you are, who has let her down in countless ways without even knowing it.

I need to rewrite my entire life somehow.

Am I close here? I'm inferring a ton here. But if I am close to the mark, realize it's literally impossible for your wife to be any sort of exception, if I was able to parse this all out from a barely intelligible victim puke. As I've said to many other guys here: We've seen you before, and we'll see you again.

Now, clearly, based on the sentiment that you "need to rewrite your life," you're not exactly thrilled with things either. The objective parameters of your life are stressful enough, then you have this ball-busting bitch wife on your case for the smallest reasons, let alone anything that would remotely smell Red Pill, so you can't even comprehend and contemplate any moves. You know you need to blow the whole thing up, you don't know how.

I'll become more present here as I determine how to organize my battle plan.

If anything I wrote resembled the truth, then I would recommend a battle plan that involves fixing the structural problems in your family. Focus on improving yourself in ways that will enable you to help both you and your family succeed. Maybe you like working nights, but most people don't, and you may have wished you had another career. So maybe start there. Figure out how much extra financial budget you'd need to say, hire a cleaning service 1-2x a month, then do that. Earn a certification that makes you get paid more, work some extra overtime, drive a goddamn Uber for a few weeks, whatever it takes.

Your wife will mock you at first, because of however many years of being "Mr. Go with the Flow But Really I Barely Have Any Competence At Executive Function," she probably has very little faith in your ability to diligently follow through with something like "earn a new certification." You will have to maintain frame and make it clear you are doing this for yourself and your family and her belittling you is just going to ensure these days of barely tolerable misery never end. So she probably doesn't have much to lose by getting with the fucking program, your program, and being supportive for once.

Tuck a few things like that under your belt -- demonstrate you're the Captain who can identify action items, a plan of attack, and succeed -- then apply that to the structural problems in your family, and you'll be surprised at how quick she'll come around.

strategos_autokrator · 2015-11-20T08:57:49+00:00

You are totally in her frame. That is why she is ahead of you, because you choose to play her game. The problem is not her, but your lack of frame. While you keep seeking validation on her and looking at what she says, you are fucked. Only when you find you vision and focus on yourself she will start to follow.

Trekneck · 2015-11-20T14:00:11+00:00

She knows your motives for going to the gym? Great, she knows you wanna get in shape and feel better on a daily basis.

She knows why you STFU instead of engaging her in bullshit? Great, she's slowly going to learn that her behavior is no longer going to get her what she wants, or the response that she wants.

She gives you sarcastic responses when you get home from hanging out with friends? Great, her responses to your going out have literally no effect on you going out, they let you know that she's paying attention, except for one little problem...

This stinks of validation and attention seeking. I can only assume that in doing the things that you're doing, you're forgetting to STFU. Instead of starting to lift, you're telling her about your plans to go lift and why you want to start doing it. You decide to go out with friends but prior to, you tell her how important it is to have other males in your life, thus she gives you the "what a big boy you are response." You don't engage her when she starts with her bullshit, but instead of STFU and walking away, you're telling her exactly why you're not going to engage her, thus neglecting to STFU.

Any of that seem even slightly on point? Could be wrong, but you seem like, although this was vague, you're leaving a trail of large breadcrumbs hoping she'll see the improvements you're making before you make them do you can get the attention out of it.

Biggest question though, how often are you hitting the gym?

Sapphire_Jizz · 2015-11-20T05:46:00+00:00

Stop giving a shit?

You're 1000% in her frame.

How about stepping out of it for a day a living your life for yourself.

Surely you don't derive all of your happiness and fulfillment from this bitch... do you?

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-20T09:38:37+00:00

You are in her frame big time. You are wearing an occulus rift through which you see reality the way she wants you to see it. Well, not strictly true. You are choosing to tell yourself a little story about everything she says or does which your cute little rationalisation hamster can use to convince you that you are fighting against some insurmountable odds, and that it would be better to just give up and go back to your old ways. "stop giving a shit" is probably the best and most succinct piece of advice you need to hear. It doesn't matter what she says, or does, or even what your ego wants you to believe about all of that. What matters is whatever you choose to accept as reality. Your frame. Take off the occulus rift. Use your eyes and ears properly.

I get patronised when I get home

Sure, if that's the little story you want to tell yourself. If that's the frame you want. Go nuts. Puke the pill out and go back to being a bitch.

Nothing is as simple as any of the prerequisites lay out, this girl requires exceptions to every rule, except the simple "lift"

OK pal. Sure. Tell yourself this too. Whatever you tell yourself is going to reinforce whatever frame you have. You'll perceive whatever you choose to perceive in the world.

I need to rewrite my entire life somehow.

No. You just need to accept that you are telling yourself lies about your life situation, your ego is holding you back because it doesn't want to suffer. Fuck your ego. Get out of your head and get into the present moment.

MRPguy · 2015-11-20T15:12:11+00:00

Sounds like ONEitis.

She is so special. She is so different. She knows all of the moves. She knows the lingo. She can't be swayed by our silly MRP philosophies and strategies.

dandar4600 · 2015-11-20T13:01:25+00:00

Give us examples and we'll tell you where you fucked up.

2015-11-20T15:21:16+00:00

It's hard to figure out if this is iambic pentameter or not without the quatrain's broken out for me in a diagram.

First off "YOU MUST CHILL".

Stop your overactive thought train from derailing anything you are doing or creating a flurry of distraction.

Some women are saavy, some women snoop and know what you read. It doesn't matter. You don't change via her input or approval. And you don't NOT do things because she "appears" to beat you to the punch or be "better" at it.

What's your goal? What you're END goal? To be happy right? Stop giving a shit about what she's doing in response if it appears to be a tit for tat amp up. This isn't about battles it's about the war. She could be "winning" all she wants but what matters is where you are and where you go.

Dial back. Attack the meta. You know there's things you need to do. You know there's tests to blow through. Some people come in needing to work on their body. Some , their independence. You , mi hermano, need to work on DGAF.

0kool74 · 2015-11-20T15:54:19+00:00

you apparently haven't mastered IDGAF yet or you wouldn't be letting her get under your skin and would start throwing some of her crap back at her.

You still have more reading to do.

2015-11-20T18:04:11+00:00

Step 1.) Shut the fuck up and stop giving her so much credit.

Step 2.) own and focus on your own shit.

Step 3.) let time pass as you improve and you build your frame.

Step 4.) once some time passes, inventory what's in your life. Dispose of what doesn't fit into your plans even if it's her. Continue to persue the things that bring you joy.

Step 5.) experience the personal fulfillment and joy that comes from complete control and ownership of your own life.

Title	She's on to me at every turn, like she knows of the matrix better than I ever realized
Author	Betafuct
Upvotes	1
Comments	46
Date	November 20, 2015 5:08 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3tj5n4/shes_on_to_me_at_every_turn_like_she_knows_of_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/shes-on-to-me-at-every-turn-like-she-knows-of-the.207888 https://theredarchive.com/post/207888

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