How do you know what type of man you want?

eveninghope · 2020-09-08T13:04:13+00:00

A LOOOOOOTTTTT of shitty dating experiences tbh

asteria2002 · 2020-09-08T13:12:24+00:00

I never dated but actually knowing that the majority of the men are porn sick and abusive without even hiding it (calling themselves dom, and daddy 🤢). I know for a fact I will never date. I had some boy in my school tried to pursue me to do bondage fucking like😖. Gladly I have very protective mom by who I can share everything with and she told me that whole bondage and bdsm bullshit is just a way for abusers to abuse legally,i was so close to falling in the libfem idea of progressive but than glady I found this subreddit. So no I won't even be friends with boys, let alone dating. I am sorry I just needed to vent a little bit.

Icchy24 · 2020-09-08T13:20:04+00:00

I want what i believe in.

I value certain things i have myself. I'd want a man who is similar.

I don't consume porn - I want a man to do the same.

I am health conscious - eat well and exercise often, I want a man to be the same.

Etc.

Moira_Spice · 2020-09-08T13:22:00+00:00

Everything my exes didn't have
Within my physical preferences, like not too small, not too tall, not too big nor skinny.

What I suggest is to look up what your HV idols have physically/character-wise, and seek those in your dates. If you're unsure about someone's behaviour/looks, it's a no.

paperbagskirt · 2020-09-08T13:33:14+00:00

This is what dating is for IMO. To learn what you want beyond the basics of decency.

PottyMouthx · 2020-09-08T15:19:15+00:00

Think about your crushes and friends. Each will tell you something about you.

Crushes: what traits attract you

Friends: what kind of people you get along with

Also think about what would you like to do with a bf and pick someone with such interests.

ethnicallyabiguous · 2020-09-08T13:42:48+00:00

If you haven’t already, I’d recommend listening to a podcast called Breaking the Dating Code by loari Edison. She has three episodes dedicated to curating your standards. One of my favorite things that I have done is people watch. Often times I’ll see a HVM do something for his wife/girlfriend and I’ll write that down on my list.

PrncssGmdrp · 2020-09-08T14:42:50+00:00

For me, I think about my dream life and what traits a man needs to compliment it. I avoid traits that will lead to excessive conflicts or compromise.

I cherry pick the good traits of my exes, my friends, and family.

I also try to be self aware of my own flaws and areas of opportunity and want a man who can balance out some of those.

It’s just a balancing act.

Allaboutb1 · 2020-09-08T14:07:28+00:00

Even a brief spell of dating can help define it a lot, in my experience!

hairwashernova · 2020-09-08T16:46:23+00:00

Shitty dating experiences and lots of OLD interactions has sadly made me realized what type of men I don't want for the most part lol.

One of my therapist suggested I did this after my last heartbreak:

1 - Watch a movie (romance, rom com, action, etc.) or read a romance book.

2 - Take notes of what the "Hero" does/say to the "Heroine" or his friends that you want for your next partner. Who/what traits are you drawn to?

3 - Take notes of what the "Hero" does/say to the "Heroine" or his friends that you do NOT want for your next partner. What are you not drawn to?

4 - Write down how you would react when a major event happened in the book/movie and what you would expect his responses to be.

5 - Take note of how the "Hero" respond to the major event and then write down how you felt when he was reacting to it. Did it make you feel safe, comfortable, sad, angry, scared, etc.? If your sister/daughter/best friend came to you and told you what the "Hero" did, would you advise them to leave him or work it through? Why?

(After doing this for a few movies, it really opened my eyes to how twisted and messed up Hollywood movies are. The beloved movie, "The Notebook" is so abusive and gross. I've seen it only once and I will never understand how it's labeled as romance.)

My therapist had wanted me to do this as homework because I was so passive in my relationships after a while and would stop voicing my own opinions to accommodate men. It helped me get a clearer visual of what types of men I was attracted to and which ones I was not...and it was disturbing how it correlated into my dating life too. It never hurt to guage out your responses and dissect the actions/words of other people too. I could see the correlations between fiction and reality when I do this.

Either way, it's a good way to start taking notes of what you want in a HVM anyways.

_wannaseemedisco · 2020-09-08T15:27:59+00:00

Hell, what are some of your favorite male book characters? What about them does it for you? It's a good place to start if you're not going to date soon.

blueveinnoble · 2020-09-08T18:45:54+00:00

I think about and focus on the life I want to live. And then imagine what kind of man fits into that lifestyle with no drama?

For instance, if I plan to lead a low-key introverted lifestyle, with a cozy home life— then dating an extroverted man who enjoys regular socializing just doesn't fit. No matter if he's a HVM or not, he's not the right fit for me or my lifestyle.

The opposite is also valid.

If I plan on leading an active, adventurous lifestyle with lots of socializing and memorable experiences all over the world— then dating a quiet, reclusive man just doesn't fit into that lifestyle. Even if he is the sweetest HVM in the world.

In either scenario we'd end up having major disagreements about what we want, when the truth is, we're just not right for each other. Although, we may be "perfect" to another partner.

The above examples are gross simplifications.

But the point is, I focus on what I want my life to be and choose men on how they fit into my life, not the other way around.

It makes screening and vetting so much more straightforward. No need to waste time pursuing courtship with a blatant mismatch.

Hahane · 2020-09-08T18:52:31+00:00

I made a list about the things I didn't like about my ex, then made another list of the opposite characteristics, and I got it.

Proud-Purpose · 2020-09-08T21:22:20+00:00

Very easy. I know that by knowing what I'm looking to get from a relationship.

Title	How do you know what type of man you want?
Author	GAaliyah12
Upvotes	28
Comments	19
Date	September 8, 2020 1:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iot498/how_do_you_know_what_type_of_man_you_want/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-know-what-type-of-man-you-want.212592 https://theredarchive.com/post/212592

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