Losing frame with my mother

BobbyPeru · 2019-03-18T22:59:08+00:00

She asks me specific questions about my life so she can criticize my answers so I find myself stammering for an explanation that won't make me look like the clueless helpless child she sees me as.

RP101 stuff here. Fogging and pressure flipping are your moves when she asks these questions. They are not “tricks.” They are more effective ways of handling it. For example, when she asks a set up question, pause and say something like “ I’m not sure. What do you think?” Use STFU also, just like you would with an LTR or wife

Redpillbrigade17 · 2019-03-18T23:22:35+00:00

The moment you start putting your poker face on and stop taking her so seriously is the moment you begin to control the interactions.

Also - slowly if you must - build some detachment. She should not know all the details of your life.

She’s your mommy so the two of you will have this dance for the rest of your lives (esp. if she’s got issues and likes to keep controlling your little ass) where you subconsciously go into being a little boy, and she’s the nurturing protective momma. You must break that. Go away for a few months where there’s no phone signal/ internet if you have to, but you must create your masculine, adult and confident self - otherwise you’ll always be a little boy.

Good luck.

UEMcGill · 2019-03-19T11:29:31+00:00

AWALT. You're familiar with the term right? AWALT.

If you feel like the advice given here is nothing by tricks you haven't internalized it yet.

So many people make the mistake of sitting across from their parent and forgetting that they aren't 12 anymore. Remember you are the prize and will only keep people in your life that add value.

My mom is always very respectful to me and my family. The one time recently she wanted to start talking about some stupid drama going on with the other hens in my family I shut that shit down. "Ma, I don't want to hear about this shit. Is this what we came for dinner for?" She knew the deal and it was over.

You need to reset your boundaries with your mom.

She knows how to push my buttons because she put them there. She asks me specific questions about my life so she can criticize my answers so I find myself stammering for an explanation that won't make me look like the clueless helpless child she sees me as

This right here. You won't own your own issues. She pushes buttons because you have them, not because she put them there. She gives you shit for your choices because you DEER, not because of the choices you made.

Own your shit. Enforce boundaries. These aren't tricks.

justpickanyusername · 2019-03-19T00:40:44+00:00

It doesn't matter who you gave your balls to (wife or mother). It is up to you to take them back. It's called manning up and not being a pussy.

Same rules apply with frame and handling your mother, wife, LTR, 13 year old daughter, whoever. Your just not trying to fuck you mom. Your not trying to fuck your mom are you?

meetinnovatorsadrian · 2019-03-18T22:56:52+00:00

There's a huge subreddit for dealing with difficult parents here: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

One answer is to go low contact or no-contact for a while. Then it is easier to come back and establish a strong frame, think of this as a parents version of dread game.

If you aren't able to establish long term healthy boundaries with your parents it may be better not to re-establish contact.

RPeed · 2019-03-19T04:42:09+00:00

Go zero contact for 3-18 months, low contact thereafter and treat every interaction like a WISNIFG script.

I had to do this a few years ago with much of my family. Zero explanation before, during or after it.

It works. It will scare you how easy it is.

SiegreicherMarsch · 2019-03-18T23:22:49+00:00

In WISNIFG a lot of the example dialog is the practitioner talking to their mom, so if you haven't read that you should check it out.

Startlivingfornow · 2019-03-19T06:23:36+00:00

Your mother is a woman.

mrpthrowa · 2019-03-19T10:50:22+00:00

Top tip - treat your mothers questions as nothing but shit tests.

Top tip 2 - treat her like a 5 year old. Your mother, however much you love her, has exactly the same behaviour of any woman, and will want to excercise control over you by shit testing you.

Break free, and do not give a fuck.

Make your presence scarce, if you don't like what she says, cut the conversation short and move on. She'll Pavlov learn that pissing you off means no you around her.

It will take a while, your mother will learn to respect, and she will love you more for it trust me.

Persaeus · 2019-03-19T11:06:08+00:00

how to handle an overbearing mother , just wives, and I'm sure we all have one.

speak for yourself faggot. i lined my mom out when i was 15

donmcde · 2019-03-19T11:54:30+00:00

You still view your mom as some wise sage. Do you have any neices/nephews in your family? Have you ever told them something offhandedly and have them accept it 100% without questioning it in the least bit? They just assume you have it together and know what you're talking about because you're older. You need to realize that your mom isn't any wiser than any other grown up in the universe.

Thought experiment: Your mom had some friends her age when you were a kid. What your mom said was gospel, but you'd question what her friends say to you. Your mom's friends also has kids. To their children, they're the wise ones and your mom is the adult friend whose wisdom could be questioned. It's all a matter of perspective. You need to grow up and cut the umbilical cord.

SorcererKing · 2019-03-19T03:04:49+00:00

Sadly, the same dynamics apply with your mom. He (or she) who cares least has the power. If your mom did something shitty, do you have the balls to never speak to her again? Would you be able to write her off and not even show up to her funeral? If not, looks like you'll be accepting her control until one of you is gone.

This doesn't mean you have to hate her. It just means you have to be your own person, worthy of self-respect, who doesn't let people treat him badly. You might need to pop over to /r/NMMNG for some remedial training.

alpha-zach · 2019-03-19T12:19:19+00:00

“For an explanation”

Do you explain things to your wife too? Instead of stammering you prob just get a deer in the headlights look.

Countpudyoola · 2019-03-19T13:36:40+00:00

It's funny, I had the opposite experience growing up in that I always fogged , AAed my mom. I think it's because I gradually learned it worked , plus she laughed and who doesn't want to make their mom laugh.

Truly though, you have to stop volunteering any information. As weird as it may sound you have to O.I. as well and grow a pair and limit exposure if she oversteps or you find you can't control your emotions. She's like any other person and will learn if she wants to be involved in your life it has to be in a particular way.

Look at the situation as a sitcom. You're the guy going for laughs. And if it isn't from her, it's from some audience member that is laughing along with you at home.

Actually this is how I view a lot of my interactions (thanks to growing up with sitcoms in the 70's / 80s).

And you have an advantage that you CAN control the situation with more relaxation/giving less shits about it...

My wife has an overbearing and narcissistic mother. Her son (and I to be honest) never had an issue with aa/am pressure flip, ribbing, dismissal etc. but my wife had to cut her off because these behaviors are mostly guy oriented and the mother/daughter type of projection dynamic is different. So it should be easier to fix.

You think your mom wants you to do what she advises. I bet she wants you to do the thing you pick and not care what she advises because ...then she can trust you can handle your affairs. And if you feel the need to share under questioning then surely you need mommy's help?

Amalt?

I had a friend who had the stereotypical overbearing Jewish mother. As a full grown adult I'd watch them come over to his house and he'd turn from this pretty self assured person into a whiney middle schooler. The mom would criticize , he'd get mad and whine. It would have been comical if not so disturbing to see a 30 year old devolve. If he had for one second joked , relaxed or deflected, I could tell it would have gone different. I remember even cracking wise a few times and she would usually instantly change demeanor and laugh with a shooing motion at me.

Also /u/rpeed is spot on if you can't gradually steer this, cut her off then gradually baby step back in. Ready to pull the ripcord again at the first sign of breach and reset for another set amount of time.

John9249 · 2019-03-19T15:26:54+00:00

Dont take her shit or any woman's shit (tests) so seriously. Have fun with em be funny do not give a fuck.

I get much better results when I can do or say something funny or make fun of them than when I try to be a redpill hardass.

The most naturally redpill guy I know used to pick his mom up and set her in the fridge when she "got out of line". It was funny they had a laugh he showed me pictures.

I have noticed that trend with other alpha type guys they all have fun giving mom shit while being masters of their universe. Their relationships they have with their moms are better than other guys who give a fuck what mommy thinks.

friendandadvisor · 2019-04-16T19:11:57+00:00

Let me see..."How do I stop spilling my fucking guts every time my mom asks me a question...what is The Trick?"

MrChad_Thundercock · 2019-03-19T02:31:34+00:00

“can't figure out how to keep my mom from getting to me”

It’s a shit test. Treat it as such.

Doesn’t matter it’s from your mom. She’s a woman.

How old are you.. 16?

You haven’t swallowed the Red Pill yet.

red-sfpplus · 2019-03-19T14:09:29+00:00

overbearing mother

Faggot. My mom is 2nd generation Sicilian here in the US. I got my ass beat by a wooden spoon until I was 16 when I fucked up.

It is amazing to me how poor a job WHITE women do of raising men, where other colors and races Red Pill their little men from birth.

Beyond that - are you over 18? Ghost her if you need to.

Unless mommy is still paying your bills. Bet she is...

RowzyUnicorn · 2019-03-19T21:29:13+00:00

screechhater · 2019-03-21T10:12:57+00:00

You seriously need to ask yourself if you are living for yourself or her ?

Which is it ?

Title	Losing frame with my mother
Author	Youdontgottadenyit
Upvotes	7
Comments	33
Date	March 18, 2019 10:23 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/b2ozx0/losing_frame_with_my_mother/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/losing-frame-with-my-mother.222741 https://theredarchive.com/post/222741

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