Advice needed - Resenting Imbalance

thatbadlarry · 2019-04-04T14:09:46+00:00

Wow. I’m really sad for you, that would be a huge blow if I were in your shoes. I think you need to make your feelings crystal clear to him - but focus on “I” statements. “I feel extremely taken for granted and very hurt by your omission” instead of accusatory. I really hope he gets it and makes this up to you OP.

teaandtalk · 2019-04-04T20:18:50+00:00

Oh boy, this is a toughy! A couple of points:

it is quite unheard of that a Spouse´s contribution/support is not once mentioned by the new doc.

If this is the case in your culture, then it will be looked unkindly upon to not include you.

My sister was steaming as she had been mentioned quite extensively.

It is going to affect your husband's relationship with your family if not addressed.

I think that the best course of action would be to gently ask about it, perhaps by saying 'a couple of people were surprised that you didn't mention me in the dedication or the speech. To be honest, I was a bit hurt too. Is there any reason I wasn't mentioned?' This communicates your feelings, but also the potential impact on relationships/reputation if he continues to overlook this.

dunkelrein · 2019-04-04T18:59:33+00:00

I know that you've worked hard to help him through this phase, but it may be possible that he hasn't experienced you as supportive. I've been in academia, and had a partner in it before, and it's hard on couples -- especially that dissertation/job search phase.
As a partner, it's easy to wear yourself out giving a partner a lot of practical support, when what your man is really interested in is unconditionally pleasant companionship. You said he was hard to live with at times. I believe it. And in my experience, men often view an unearthly level of tolerance from their wife/gf in these times as the main way they want support. All the while, she is providing all kinds of practical support and is making so much of his work possible, and that's not really what he cared about getting from her. I've done this myself and seen it with so many academic couples. Does that dynamic resonate at all?

I'm not saying it's your fault, or that he's right. But after the excitement dies down, you might schedule some time and do a check-in with him, framing it as "we just got through a big thing. How'd we do? Did you feel supported? I want to be ready to be exactly what you need when we hit the next challenge." Then just listen and see what he says.

If your relationship has been good, otherwise, please try and do your best to not read much into this until you have more information from him. The social conventions of these things are very peculiar, and no one tells you about them, and some people are just terrible at picking them up. Your husband might be one of those people. It could also be that he treasures your relationship and contribution so much, that he's not comfortable talking about it publicly. Some guys are like that.

This must be so hard, and I am sorry :-(

stripethrowaway · 2019-04-04T14:33:07+00:00

Sorry, can I clarify?

Everyone added people to the "special thanks" section except him? Or did he add everyone to the "special thanks" section except you?

I know you seem to mention this is extremely customary for the spouse to be mentioned in this type of a written work/project, but to an extent here; I see more or less of a covert contract. You mention all these things you've done, but it sounds like you've done this largely unrecognized, in the hopes of getting recognition, and this has all come to a head at the end of the road where a couple lines of text and recognition at a dinner is the climax of it all. That's a dangerous thing to do.

While I agree with you that this sounds very disappointing and maybe he should have thrown you a bone, he's not writing this post, you are, and we can only change ourselves, not others.

You should absolutely say something to your husband about your disappointment, but frame it as if you've done something wrong. Telling him you're upset he didn't recognize you will make him defensive. Instead, start a conversation about how nice it must be that this is all over with, then ask him what he thinks about how the last few months have gone. Ask if you did anything that made it harder for him to finish the dissertation. If he asks why, just tell him you noticed that everyone else mentioned and thanked their significant others and your name wasn't on the paper and it made you feel like you'd done something wrong. If he sees this from the perspective of you feeling hurt or punished and you're trying to figure out what you've done wrong, it might go over a lot easier than saying "Why didn't you thank me at the dinner and why didn't you write my name on the dissertation?"

This really sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope everything works out for you.

Colorfullheart · 2019-04-05T12:01:42+00:00

Update: Right now I can do nothing as I am at a seminary concerning my own field of study. My Boss freed me up and told me to make it a full, long weekend and come back on Tuesday. Paid and all. Boss knows she will loose me if I got back into my academic life, but she is so supportive.

Maybe it is good I am away a few days.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-04-04T15:40:13+00:00

DH has never been an ungrateful person, but lately I feel completely overlooked, unappreciated and unloved. I have done so much for DH and I always thought that would count for something but apparently I am wrong.

It sounds like he may have started to take you for granted. I am not, off the top of my head, coming up with any non-catty ways to address this, except to suggest that someone else who noticed this address it with him. It may not come across right from you, and could start a fight; from a friend/family member who was there, the indignation may register.

redwatch95 · 2019-04-05T11:41:27+00:00

Something is wrong here. I feel angry + sad for you. Honestly, I understand that directly speaking with him might feel awkward but I think it's the least dramatic approach.

Zegiknie · 2019-04-05T19:53:58+00:00

My husband is like that. There was this dinner once where men were asked to stand up and applaud their wives for supporting them. He stayed seated. Some of the men had wives who actively fought them at this endeavor, and they stood up.

He likes to never mention his family. He is also adamant that only inner circle people visit our home (new friends meet elsewhere).

For him, it's a kind of protection thing. Believe it or not, IRL I do not like spotlights. And my husband does not like others telling him to appreciate me. He doesn't do gestures because of what others expect.

But he appreciates me and makes 100% sure I know. He would go through fire for me. But never for appearances. He resents those social pressure situations.

Ask him. This could be a gesture toward a mistress, this could be he sees you and him as two bodies one soul, this could be an ingrate or rude ass, or this could be part of him wanting to shield you and keep you to himself.

unlikelyred · 2019-04-04T16:13:21+00:00

I would be devastated but I can also tell you that are not alone in experiencing something like this. I have a friend whose husband is a rising star in his field. He is leading multiple studies, published multiple books, and done some amazing things with his life. His wife is an incredible support, staying home and schooling their son, managing the home and even editing some of his books for him. It is obvious he would not have the freedom to do all that he does if his wife was not so competent at holding down all of the other stuff. Guess what though? I have never once seen him publicly praise her contribution to his success or attribute it to her in any way in conversation. I sometimes wonder if he even feels that it was vital because his public recognition of it is so low. She just keeps on doing her thing though and doesn't make a big deal out of it. They've been married 10 years and she supported him through his PhD program when they were younger. You can tell when she looks at him how much she loves and admires him because she gets the googly eyes everytime I see them together. I would imagine it has hurt her feelings sometimes but in her mind the more important thing is that her husband loves her and keeps choosing her. However, he has never mentioned any other woman either (no exes or anything) aside from women he cowrote books or papers with...I would imagine that would throw a wrench into things and warrant some kind of confrontation. Your husband's choice here has a very passive aggressive feel to it and I would be wondering if even though your actions were supportive on your end if in other ways he is feeling resentment towards you about something (or many things). I would personally tell my husband that it felt humiliating and hurtful for him to give his exes and your sister more recognition in his dissertation than you and you want to know if there is something you did to make him feel like you do not deserve recognition for your support during the process and what else he believes you should have done to warrant that recognition and gratitude.

HB3234 · 2019-04-05T01:07:41+00:00

Is it possible your partner feels like public displays of affection and gratitude like this are too mushy and/or distasteful? Does he have a track record of wanting to keep his professional and private life very separate? Is there any possibility he's going to become a superhero, professional spy or assassin, or some other field in which he wants to keep your identity secret so his enemies don't target you?

...Okay, maybe the last one was a stretch! But I am trying to list some more generous-hearted reasons he isn't mentioning you.

Some others, though less pleasant to consider:

-Does he have a track record of taking family for granted? Og being generally insensitive or ungrateful? Its very possible he just sees you as doing your due and is harboring the dangerous misconception that people shouldn't be thanked for doing the things we just expect of them.

-Does he have a track record of struggling to express himself? EX. He doesn't know how to word his gratitude and now its put you all in an awkward place.

-It sounds like you may have really been pushing yourself hard on his behalf and you are exhausted. Is there any possibility that he felt you were taking the reigns too much on his project? That you didn't fully believe in him or think he could not finish/do his project/do it as well without you? Basically, is there any way, painful as it is to consider, that he interpreted your devotion and your work as a lack of faith in him? As micromanaging? (This likely won't be the case if you only did things he specifically asked you to do.)

Fascinating Womanhood shares a story where a woman puts a lot of effort into sewing costumes for her director-husband's play. She is bewildered when he isn't grateful for her work, because she did it to show him her devotion to him. But he actually resents her for how much time she took away from him for the work, because he feels she thinks the success/failure of the project rests on her successful creation of the costumes rather than his directing & he would have rather had her company those evenings she was sewing.

slovakdirector · 2019-04-10T07:14:40+00:00

that's weird, he might have an explanation but you owe it to yourself to talk to him about it

NaturallyorangeWoman · 2019-04-05T11:14:52+00:00

Do you deserve praise? No. Not if you did not earn it. And he, not you decides if you were helpful.

Title	Advice needed - Resenting Imbalance
Author	Colorfullheart
Upvotes	26
Comments	27
Date	April 4, 2019 1:55 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/b9d0l4/advice_needed_resenting_imbalance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-needed-resenting-imbalance.224320 https://theredarchive.com/post/224320

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