Dealing with Hypergamy

Diary-of-Jane · 2019-06-17T19:21:09+00:00

You’re a woman in a world where hypergamy is not really limited by much other than looks and connections. You liked your current man right? Well okay you upgrade to this new guy, but what about the next guy who seems a little better? See it never really stops. You always think you can do better. Is that what you want to do - to swing from branch to branch, not really giving a damn about your partners, just the thrill you get from thinking you got a better deal? It’s truly an empty way to exist, just as if a man were to fuck thousands of women easily, it will be quite emotionally empty for him after a while. Emotionally invest in your man, you committed to him didn’t you? That’s what you wanted right? You should get to the point where this is so obvious that you just don’t obsess over other people.

HB3234 · 2019-06-17T19:34:35+00:00

Are you feeling like your own lifestyle isn't as active as you would like for it to be? If there are things that are lacking, I suggest you pursue them with your husband.

Absolutely stop visiting this guy's page. Delete the app or block him if you can't resist the temptation! It grows if you feed it. Flirting with a man you find attractive is already crossing a boundary in most marriages.

Remember that you hardly know this man. He is a fantasy. Fantasies don't have human failings, they don't snore or leave socks lying around. It is patently unfair to compare a real man who loves you to a fantasy who flirts with you. Remind yourself of this when your head starts whispering "what ifs" to you.

dundun63 · 2019-06-17T19:11:53+00:00

My advice would be to block him and take some time to reevaluate your life. It would help to get to the root of why you are finding yourself with a wandering eye. Is it an issue with you or is it your relationship and captain?

I would also consider reading some articles on "affair proofing your marriage" and see what resonates as good advice to implement.

Make sure to redirect your attention back to your relationship. Remind yourself of how selfish it is, and that flirting in secrecy and checking up on a guy repeatedly is emotional infidelity.

If the problem seems to run very deep, I would advise you to consider personal counseling (especially if you find your desire stems from attention seeking or ego boosting).

I hope you can find some calm and overcome this!!

I don't have much to give you as far as my experiences, but I've taken preemptive steps to not let me get in these situations and the result is not being tempted. Especially "affair proofing marriage" tactics have helped.

qwertyuiop111222 · 2019-06-18T00:02:34+00:00

Your husband meets 80% of your Ideal Guy^{^TM.} This guy has something that covers the remaining 20%, but there is no guarantee that he also has everything that your husband has. It's normal to be attracted to other people, but at the same time, the feelings you feed are the feelings that persist. So gently, as you have done IRL, also do in your mind: Very gently, shut it down.

But for the love of cheese crackers, don't go telling your husbie about your feelings, unless you are 110% sure you know how he will feel.

al-sf · 2019-06-17T19:49:00+00:00

Your story seems eerily similar to mine. I was married for 10 years, met young (I presume you did too) were in our early 30’s with no children. I personally don’t think you dealing with hypergamy or if you are it’s not in the right context...you were/are on the verge of pursuing an Emotional Affair with another man. That is exactly what you are experiencing. Yes, you are comparing him to your husband and I get that is a form of hypergamy but you are thinking of him in a far more emotionally driven way. You are investing your emotional value on him and not your husband.

We all meet amazing people in our lives who maybe for a brief second you think only if I met you before...but then you end it there. No more longing and lusting over something that never happened and shouldn’t happen now. I’m only saying this because, I was a fool back then and I initiated an EA. At the time you think it’s innocent fun, but it is just as damaging to a marriage than a physical affair, because once we invest emotionally it’s all that matters, isn’t it?

I have only recently been slowly shown the RP way of life and I urge you to look at all the wonderful memories and bright future you share with your husband, make plans, set goals together because by the sounds of it...7 years into a marriage you may have found yourself getting bored of the mundane of marriage (it’s what happened to me) and you start seeking attention and affirmation of self worth from others and we all know why, because life becomes exciting and you start feeling butterflies again, you feel wanted and special again etc...but this surely all happened when you first met your husband?

Life with your life partner becomes routine but try be spontaneous, get the sparks flying again!! Another piece of advice and my first serious RP move I made was delete all my social media (fb & Insta) and instead joined reddit. It’s the best thing you could do for yourself and your marriage. Trust me!!! Sorry for this long winded comment, it’s only because I see you in me and I wish someone gave me this advice when I was feeling that way. I truly hope you find a way of getting this other guy out your life. Your husband deserves you entirely, just like you do him!

marcus-bolt · 2019-06-17T21:17:00+00:00

An analogous argument on male side is consuming too much pornography in place of intimacy with his wife. Soon, the 10s on porn with perfect make-up and camera angle and lighting and fake body parts will cloud his judgement of his wife, then he might incorrectly assume his wife is the problem for not being attractive enough.

To him, he misallocates the problem on the other, while the habits he helped grow has caused the falling out. When a woman is emotionally fantasizing about another man or is flirting with him, she is doing an analogous habit. OP is also seemingly misallocating the problem on the other, not herself, and there is the first part of the problem.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2019-06-18T06:38:59+00:00

If i were to meet him before my husband Im pretty sure we'd be together.

What makes you think he'd marry you? What makes you think he'd love you or see you as anything more than a plate? What makes you think you two are actually compatible?

you're creating a scenario that is honestly ridiculous from nothing more than a couple of messages exchanged on Instagram.

Lady_musing · 2019-06-17T21:07:08+00:00

You say you love your husband, but what does that mean to you exactly? What you are doing is incredibly destructive and hurtful behavior. If you dont want to destroy this man and your relationship, you will stop. You can't make these choices and simultaneously paint yourself a loving and caring wife. Be honest with yourself. Why are you doing this? I see you using the hypergamy theory as an excuse for your choices. Sure it can help expain the urge, but it is not controlling your actions. You are. Having self control is a choice. If you are not in control of yourself, how can you expect to be trusted? If you cannot be trusted, how can you sustain a relationship?... with anyone.

TheBunk_TB · 2019-06-18T16:53:19+00:00

Stop shopping. You are doing this to yourself. Making this a habit is something that will do you wrong further down the road.

___Lana___ · 2019-06-17T22:03:15+00:00

Hypergamy is in women’s nature, don’t worry to much about it. On TRP subreddit, men are supposed to learn how to deal with this ;)

Having fantasies over someone else is not cheating, you don’t get to choose who you are fantasizing about. I sometimes have fantasies about some colleagues, my Captain’s friends, actors (porn and regular movies), a guy I ran into at the grocery store, etc, so what? My Captain as well fantasies about women that surround him, and we sometimes talk and laugh about it, it’s no big deal.

What you should keep in mind : - it’s no big deal as long as it stays fantasies. Chatting, flirting, or more, in your husband’s back, it’s not cool... if you love your man and want to stay with him, do nothing that he would not like. Act as if your husbad always had an eye on you. - fantasies are not reality : when you think the grass is greener elsewhere, you are very probably mistaken, because you don’t know the reality. That guy probably has many defaults you don’t expect.

Ask yourself if it isn’t the reflection of something that’s going wrong with your relationship. Is sex still good and fun? If you identify a problem, talk to your husband.

alphatruth · 2019-06-18T02:06:27+00:00

I appreciate the honest self-reflection in this post. I wish you well and hope you find peace.

Title	Dealing with Hypergamy
Author	Diary-of-Jane
Upvotes	49
Comments	28
Date	June 17, 2019 7:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/c1rk7h/dealing_with_hypergamy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-hypergamy.242352 https://theredarchive.com/post/242352