I'm currently in the process of realizing that my relationship with my father has trained me into severe Pickmeisha tendencies and distorted views about love/men.

I'm on vacation with my dad right now and I'm noticing things in a way that I've never really been able to put into words before. My dad is a narcissist - and I'm not just throwing that word around. He has no concept of boundaries, he's the kind of person that will offend you and when you stand up to him, he will turn it back around on you telling you that you "hurt his feelings". If you set a boundary he will become offended. He is also a provocateur; he enjoys saying offensive and rebellious things for the sake of stirring people up. He is also chronically negative, constantly pointing out his annoyances and dislikes as if everyone else should care. And last point here I'll mention is that he has heavily misogynistic tendencies - he constantly points out women on the street, on TV, EVERYWHERE, and has some kind of comment about their looks/body. Just yesterday we went on a walk and he pointed out a young woman who he said he thought might be pretty, but that her posture was so bad that she wasn't. Later, he pointed her out again and said "oh, she doesn't have a butt, thats the problem." This girl was most likely younger than me (I'm 25.) I said "dad, she's younger than me" and he said "thats never stopped me." When I was 14, he would not stop commenting on my 14 year old friend who had a very mature body and large breasts. He would constantly mention how attractive she is, and to this day he still asks about her.

I don't believe my dad is a pedophile - he wouldn't actually pursue and have sex with a young woman. (He's cheated on his wife/had affairs, and they were both with women in his age range. Plus, he's fucked up, but he's just not a pedophile.) When I've tried to talk to him about how he talks about women, including young women, he says he shouldn't have to suppress his natural male tendencies just because women don't like it. I agree that men shouldn't feel "suppressed", but theres a way to have your thoughts and keep them to your fucking self, especially around your daughter.

My dad has also commented on my body this way, I wear baggy clothes around him because I don't want him to assess my body. He also will ask inappropriate questions under the guise of "joking", like after a date asking me "did he cop a feel?" I have to act jokey and laugh it off/never act too serious around him about being upset or else he will get mad at me.

Ok, so, I'm rambling here, but you get the picture. The way he has treated me throughout my life has given me an adaptive strategy of never standing up for myself or feeling that I have the right to set a boundary. Because I was afraid of him as a young girl, and still kind of am, standing up to him meant starting a scary fight. It meant getting embarrassed, shamed, and put down. Setting any kind of boundary or saying "please stop" meant that I would be punished. Not to mention he is wealthy and manipulates with his money - so if I'm in his good graces I can be provided for in certain ways.

The cherry on top of ALL of this, is that I still love him. My dad isn't 100% bad, and I can see how deeply flawed and in pain he is at his core. I have very mixed emotions about him, which makes it hard for me to just completely view him as a monster...because he isn't, he's just a deeply flawed man.

The way that our relationship has effected me has definitely made me a Pickmeisha, because I've been hungry for love and attention and completely out of touch with how I feel around men. Up until only recently, I was not able to identify my own emotions or feel the right to even have them and act upon them. I've been so trained to "keep the peace" that its made me out of touch with myself. Often times, I will feel a negative feeling and brush it off, still trying to appease the other person and make sure they like me. It's still a work in progress, but I literally have to allow myself to dislike something. For example, on a date, a guy does something that makes me have a negative feeling...i have to work hard to tell myself, "hey, you didn't like that! its okay that you didn't like that, listen to that!" but another part of me is still so desperate for him to want me and like me, even if don't really like him or was turned off by something he did.

My only two serious relationships were with someone who abused me sexually and held a gun to me, and one with a man child who I am embarrassed to admit I ever dated. Between these relationships, I've had a lot of sexual trauma in other ways that I won't go into, and a lot of problems with low self esteem and depression. I was in therapy for 4 years and made a lot of progress, but it seems that theres always more I'm learning and more to heal.

I really, really, really want to find my worth and feel good about myself. I want to feel in touch with my emotions around men and able to discern who I like and don't like, but its still just so hard for me. I want to unlearn all the ways I've been a pickmeisha and upgrade. Its so hard to feel like I ever can with my background. Just posting this to get it out there, and would love to hear any wisdom, insights, or support you might have to offer.

Tl;dr: My relationship with my dad has made me feel silenced and completely out of touch with my own emotions. His is a misogynist with no boundaries and I have been unable to stand up to him for my entire life. This has impacted my relationship with the male gender and led me into bad relationships and incredibly low self esteem. I'd really like to heal from this and upgrade into someone who feels worthy of a good relationship and who knows what she wants.