BP Women: if you are not interested in sex when your partner tries to initiate, do you feel that you do not owe them an explanation as to why you are feeling that way?

buttlollipop · 2015-09-30T16:09:27+00:00

No, I do owe an explanation because he's my husband, I love him, and it would be very unusual for me to reject him for sex so I'd want him to know it's because I'm sick or something (that's the only reason I ever would reject him). I wouldn't want him to worry about our marriage or feel insecure.

If it was a guy I had just started dating, then no, I don't owe an explanation although I'd probably just say "I take things slower than most people" (which is true.)

mashakos · 2015-09-30T15:14:35+00:00

I don't know if "owe" is the right word but I always give some sort of explanation. But I also do this whenever someone makes a request that I do something we've enjoyed in the past. I am not going to just say, "no." without explanation to a friend inviting me to lunch either.

[deleted] · 2015-09-30T17:49:22+00:00

In a relationship you should communicate what's going on

RobotPartsCorp · 2015-09-30T18:01:00+00:00

I will tell him because he is an understanding guy. I don't think he is entitled to know or I shouldn't feel obligated but I will tell him anyway, I don't fear any repercussions from him. We communicate well. If I felt an obligation to always have a solid and acceptable reason beyond "meh not feeling it, I am so tired, sick, etc" for fear of being pestered or made to feel like shit, I would not be in the relationship.

Not only that, I try to be cognizant of the reasons for my own mental and emotional health. Sex with him is amazing, so if there is a dip in the quantity, I personally will explore why.

It sounds like you and your partner are very similar. I bet it feels like less of an obligation and more of a factor of your continued open communication with each other because you care for each other.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-10-01T04:20:26+00:00

If I'm not up for it, I don't owe Mr Wombat one. I do think that it is conducive to a healthy relationship to provide one, however.

mashakos · 2015-09-30T14:56:33+00:00

no? i mean, the reason is typically that i'm tired or just not in the mood, so a reason warranting actual discussion doesn't really come up (that i can think of). if it were something different/more serious, though, then yeah i'd want to talk about it/let him know. to me, being able to have those talks is part of a healthy, loving relationship.

[deleted] · 2015-09-30T21:12:30+00:00

Honestly I've never felt like I owed them an explanation for the rare rejection. When you're having sex at least 5 times a week and intialising about 60% of the time sort of, rejecting a few times every couple of months shouldn't require an explanation.

It's different if you're neglecting your partner, but apart from random guys trying to hook up with me or guys wanting to get to the sex earlier I've never really had guys want a reason behind the rejection. Sometimes I'll give one, but 'not really wanting to have sex right now' or an equivalent has generally been accepted.

If you want the most common reasons for my rejections, change of work hours so no time for the normal morning sex, sometimes on the second or third day of TTotM I get really nauseous so sometimes vomit especially when 'stimulated', being sore, being insanely tired or the wrong kind of stressed out.

[deleted] · 2015-09-30T14:13:34+00:00

If it's some random dude trying to fuck me, no, I don't have to give him an explanation. (I realize that's not what's being discussed here, but I think it's worth mentioning anyway.)

If it's a long-term partner, I think he has a right to know why I'm turning him down, and not offering an explanation is likely to breed resentment and/or suspicion.

belletaco · 2015-09-30T15:21:46+00:00

If I just don't feel like it, I don't feel like it. Im not sure why more than that would have to be said if there isn't a deeper reason

3dbattleship · 2015-09-30T14:13:14+00:00

I think a healthy relationship should be able to discuss anything. If one of us wants sex (usually me) and the other doesn't, our typical response is "I'm not really in the mood for that, but I'm open to being convinced" and then the one who wants it more will try to get the other enthused about the idea. But if it's really "NO" then there's an underlying reason that we'd need to explore (like the time he'd hurt himself on a zipper and definitely wasn't up for play until it healed. It was a simple explanation, but a very reasonable one)

[deleted] · 2015-09-30T15:00:05+00:00

[permanently deleted]

GridReXX · 2015-09-30T15:38:41+00:00

Often it's not some earth shattering reason, sometimes you just don't feel like it.

If it were something deeper than not feeling in the mood, I would discuss.

squirrelcuisine · 2015-09-30T17:29:00+00:00

I dont think that is abnormal at all. My wife and I are both redpill and that is how we go too.

"I dont want to because x"

"ok"

That is literally how it goes. I dont think that is a bluepill thing. Rape-y things aside if she isnt into it.. do I want to do it? Isnt that "obligation sex"

Ugh. no thanks.

LeaneGenova · 2015-09-30T19:24:31+00:00

Of course I think I owe him an explanation. It's not an exhaustive description of why, but seeing as he's my partner, I owe him that basic courtesy. If he feels like my reason is bizarre, he'll sometimes start a dialogue about it so we can resolve whatever the issue is.

In general, I don't refuse him, so it's rarely an issue.

[deleted] · 2015-09-30T21:38:46+00:00

I don't think we feel an obligation, but we're likely to say, "Tired..." or whatever. It's not a rejection - it's just a thing. People get tired or sick or busy.

downunderit · 2015-09-30T22:00:54+00:00

I don't think I owe him but I would definitely give an explanation because I love & respect him.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T07:24:24+00:00

I just lay there and let them get on with it.

misspotatohead0 · 2015-10-01T10:17:48+00:00

I don't think you necessarily owe and explanation, because I think to me owing implies it as a trade oe type of payment and your relationship is a partnership.

But personally I would want to give an explanation. Because I feel that if I was turning down sex, there would need to be a reason, not because I feel obliged to have sex, but because I love my partner and enjoy intimacy with him. And I think just saying no is a in a way rejecting his affection, or denying him physical affection from me.

Do you consider a healthy relationship one where the matter should not be discussed further once either partner has declined an offer of intimacy?

No, I don't think so. If your partner is constantly denying you physical intimacy I think there is a problem and it should be discussed.

midnightvulpine · 2015-10-01T16:24:14+00:00

Lack of communication is bad in a relationship. I don't disagree that one has no legal obligation to say why. But to not say is irresponsible as a partner and indicative of potential problems in a relationship.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T22:08:35+00:00

Not a woman but we both reject each other regularly and there is never any explanation and I really don't understand why there would need be.

But of course the full quote is total bullshit e.g. comparing sex to financial support is ridiculous.

MissPearl · 2015-09-30T19:53:41+00:00

I don't owe anyone anything regarding sexual access (the moon is full, is a good reason not to), but I would probably provide my partner with a reason why, since our relationship default is set to "ALL THE TIME" and I want him to keep that standard.

TheChemist158 · 2015-09-30T14:43:43+00:00

I'll usually tell him. He likes to know.

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