Thought Experiment for Women: Pretend you adopt a kid with you husband, but you you guys separate and no longer want to go through with it...

LeaneGenova · 2015-09-28T04:52:33+00:00

I'd support the child, and presumably my ex-husband as well. I made the choice to begin the adoption, and despite changing my mind, the process is going forward. I'd rather own that I'm responsible than fight it - which rarely works out well in the end.

I'm biased, as I have two younger sisters who are adopted, so I've more first-hand insight into the adoption process. I would never, ever wish a half-complete adoption on any child. I'd rather adopt a child that I can be confident will be raised well by my ex and given a life of luxury than potentially condemn a child because I'm no longer interested in being a partner to my spouse.

Would it be fair? Hell, I don't know. Fairness is subjective. To me, maybe not. But is it fair to the child and my ex-spouse? Probably.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-09-28T09:30:10+00:00

You can't leave some poor little kid dangling like that. No kid deserves to be screwed over because their parents are squabbling like seagulls over money.

nemma88 · 2015-09-28T09:47:52+00:00

Yes. What happens between hypothetical parents is not the fault of the child. You made the choice, the ability to back out later is not a guarantee. Once you sign on the dotted line, it's your responsibility.

Bekazzled · 2015-09-28T05:52:39+00:00

I already know what will happen here thanks to TV.

I will tearfully tell the small, pretty blonde pregnant girl who's standing on my doorstop and wondering why I didn't pick her up from LAX as planned that my husband has left me and I don't want the baby after all. Her friend will tell me off and I will tearfully shut the door on both of them.

Then the blonde chick and her friend will find themselves on an island that has no fixed geographical location or identifiable name. The blonde pregnant chick will give birth on the island, keep the child and then become separated from him, spending years in the wilderness in a strange tropical tundra where polar bears are somehow the norm. There will be people on the island who want this blonde girl dead, but she will eventually triumph and be reunited with her son years later thanks to a female bestie who never gave up and a cheerful old pilot who can restore a damaged small plane against in a very small window of time.

I am unaware of all of this behind the closed door of my suburban house.

[deleted] · 2015-09-28T04:32:00+00:00

i guess so, though this premise is quite a stretch (making it difficult to say yes absolutely).

if i really try to believe that this situation is possible, though, i would probably continue without complaint. i mean, i make some pretty great money, and i did start the adoption process (making me partially responsible). if i'm on great terms with my ex-husband and i've already started the process of giving the adopted child a home, i see no reason not to move forward.

i probably wouldn't be thrilled; it would sort of suck to do this after deciding i didn't want to. however, i am responsible in part, and above all, i couldn't just shut down the child's future that way. to me, it's about the child more than anything, in this case.

SmurfESmurferson · 2015-09-28T04:05:50+00:00

I get your point, but backing out of an adoption isn't the same as backing out of a pregnancy.

If you want an absolutely black and white argument, your wishes cannot force someone to undergo a surgery. If you want to back out of a pregnancy, you can't force the mother to have an abortion.

For better or for worse, that's the law in the US (though I can't speak for anywhere else).

[deleted] · 2015-09-28T06:37:47+00:00

Given that we'd have done the training and assessment stage but most likely not have been matched to a child I'd probably have to say no. I'd be willing to pay a small amount as a goodwill gesture during the first few years.

However I don't feel like I should be considered the parent of a child that hasn't even been picked out yet, I'm not related to and will never interact with. Its needs and theoretical needed payments would be entirely dependent on the ex choosing a certain child. I highly doubt that it would be the same child as would have been chosen if I had been involved in the process. I feel protective to children and sad if something happens, but most young children are (understandably) annoying so I don't really 'like' most of them.

TheChemist158 · 2015-09-28T15:17:44+00:00

I'd cancel it and not feel guilty for it. I don't want the kid, physically or financially. If he wants a kid so bad, he can get one on his own.

wuboo · 2015-09-28T16:18:32+00:00

The kid comes first. End of story.

downunderit · 2015-09-28T04:16:13+00:00

If I backed out then the abortion would be cancelled by the law. If you can't financially support the child then you can't adopt.

[deleted] · 2015-09-28T04:14:57+00:00

Would they even allow the adoption even happen if the parents aren't together? Anyway , if you're comparing adoption with pregnancy , it's not the same thing.

That being said if hypothetically my husband was pregnant (!) I would accept my responsibilities and pay for my own kid.

thereddespair · 2015-09-28T14:59:59+00:00

pay for it no. you wanted it on your own, you deal with it on your own

Yonderlander · 2015-09-28T20:28:37+00:00

It isn't finalised yet, so if I changed my mind and didn't want to adopt then I wouldn't have to go through with the adoption. I think that's why they have a long process?

If it had all been finalised but I then changed my mind, then I would just have to suck it up and pay child support for the child I adopted.

I can't imagine anyone finalising an adoption though then completely changing their mind. It isn't something you do lightly, or something that could happen unexpectedly like a pregnancy.

SlippyToadsWildRide · 2015-09-28T21:45:09+00:00

You're not going to get an honest answer, or at least the answer you're looking for, because anyone with a brain can see that this is a gotcha question and will give you the answer that best avoids the "gotcha!" part of it.

ReginaRadfem · 2015-09-28T22:55:04+00:00

Women should never have to pay child support to men. Period.

our bodies already get wrecked by childbirth.
We live in a patriarchal culture where women make 70 cents to every male dollar, thats while fighting all kinds of discrimination and unfair standards.
taking money from an oppressed class and transferring it to an oppressive class makes zero sense

Suck it up boys, seriously.

scallopkid · 2015-09-28T23:04:15+00:00

This premise has all kinds of would not happen to the point where it's hard for me to realistically know how I'd feel. It's very hard for me to imagine ending things with someone I liked enough to raise children with. It's also hard to imagine being on friendly terms if that did happen.

I think my answer would be no, I would not want to pay child support. But really I have no idea.

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[deleted] · 2015-09-28T12:24:48+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Thought Experiment for Women: Pretend you adopt a kid with you husband, but you you guys separate and no longer want to go through with it...
Author	pakleader
Upvotes	6
Comments	53
Date	September 28, 2015 3:47 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3mnp33/thought_experiment_for_women_pretend_you_adopt_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/thought-experiment-for-women-pretend-you-adopt-a.279353 https://theredarchive.com/post/279353

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