Help me understand the prevalence of emotional abuse in women

YourLocalNeckbeard · 2015-02-03T18:14:07+00:00

Allow me to shed light on this with all the euphoria I can mustard.

Women do genuinely get emotionally abused but it's because they are unwise and prioritize what they believe is "attraction" when what they are really doing is choosing sub-par males who may be "good looking" but who are assholes. If women really wanted to avoid emotional abuse they would discard their physical/hygeinic standards (keep in mind I am only referring to the top 5% of women who I deign to be attracted to) and instead lower their standards to date a nice guy like me, who will shower them with unwanted gifts and favors until, out of guilt and fear, they cave and have sex with me. Only THEN will they be free from abuse. tips fedora

Petticoat_Rule · 2015-02-03T21:56:50+00:00

How could a woman let herself be treated like that? It infuriates me and I just want to tell her to "man the fuck" up and get out of the relationship.

I understand your feelings on this, and I feel enormous exasperation when I hear about this stuff.

The only light that I can shed is personal experience of women I've known - these women are red pill type of women. They feel a need for the captain/first mate relationship and will stay and take shit because they feel rudderless without a man steering them.

(I don't mean the type of women in the reddit red pill forum. I don't know enough about them. I just meant red pill thinking in terms of captain/first mate)

I've actually had such women take me to task for leaving an abusive ex-partner ("But he was wonderful. How could you leave him? He was so good-looking, went to work, paid the bills, took you everywhere, didn't cheat on you etc") while totally ignoring me when I told them he turned cold as ice, began having a negative response to everything I did or said, constantly reframed my words, tried to control everything, screamed and ranted and raved at the tiniest little things on a daily basis.

These women felt such an overwhelming need to have a man around who takes control, they probably would have stayed with my ex-partner, had they been with him.

The guy I've been with now for almost 6 years is heaven.

[deleted] · 2015-02-03T16:29:55+00:00

google is like magic. seriously.

5th_Law_of_Robotics · 2015-02-03T19:27:20+00:00

Men get mistreated and manipulated in relationships all the time to but it is rarely called emotional abuse. Men don't seem so eager to take up the role of victim and instead say it was the result of them being "blinded by love" to see that they needed out of a bad relationship.

Its still abuse even if you don't call it that, the difference is guys are reluctant to use that word because it'll get laid on their head for being a pussywhipped beta fag or whatever. The fact the word pussywhipped (or the old "henpecked") is even in the common parlance is evidence that it happens.

am_thro_way · 2015-02-03T16:21:29+00:00

I think you are probably overestimating how common this sort of thing is, if you read relationship advice subreddits of course people who have some kind of big problem in their relationship will be overrepresented. Personally I don't know anyone IRL who has been in an abusive relationship (or maybe they're all too scared to talk about it, idk lol).

Alpha_Kale · 2015-02-03T20:33:16+00:00

Some people do exaggerate the terms of emotional abuse when what they really mean is "he was a jerk." The reason men don't tend to do this isn't because men are less self-victimizing than women, but rather because the idea of being a victim of abuse is gendered as "feminine" so men are more likely to say their ex was "crazy" when in fact, she was just mildly difficult, or he drove her crazy. TL DR: everyone likes to claim victimhood and say things weren't their fault.

That said, obviously emotional abuse does still happen and I would venture that it happens to both genders equally. Women just feel more comfortable using that word. As for being able to tell if it's the truth or not, we're better off assuming everyone is telling the truth, even if there's a chance they aren't.

MissPearl · 2015-02-03T19:13:16+00:00

Well...

Generally abuse doesn't appear overnight. For example with my Ex, he gradually shifted from "you are goofy and cute" to "you are crazy and incompetent". Everything escalated fairly slowly- I got the hell out while he was still manhandling me, but I'm pretty sure I was going to get smacked around proper if I stayed put.

As for why I didn't bolt at the first sign of awful, I, like many people with that sort of experience, were not having our first time at the rodeo- we'd had other social interactions that dull your instincts and steer you towards patience when running seems like a smarter plan.

In my case, he was still marginally better than what I was used to when his behaviour still was set to occasional douche canoe. So I did the normal girlfriend trouble shooting steps- telling him about the problem, trying to be better, etc...

As is escalated I ended up dealing with things like severe sleep deprivation and other variables. It took a while to get my shit together, but I got out.

The damage is that it flipped me into hyper vigalence in the other direction. These days you can get a fight or flight reaction from touching me the wrong way and certain minor behaviours (like keeping me awake too late) trigger a sort of emotional preparation to purge and shut down.

l_____o_____l · 2015-02-03T15:48:56+00:00

Emotional abuse is stuff like deliberately saying untrue things in fights to make the other person feel as bad as possible.

The classic examples are things like "no-one else would ever love you" etc. Basically deliberate attempts to hurt the other person's self esteem.

Its distinct from controlling behaviour in this way.

I know I am victim blaming here but I almost am to the point where I don't think that emotional abuse is a real thing because it's the only type of abuse that you have to let happen to you because you didn't stand up for yourself (unless you are trapped in a household with the abuser) and just because you were unhappy with someone's behavior doesn't mean you were abused.

You aren't going to like this, but this is a textbook case of needing to check your privilege. I'm not even joking, this is one of the very few times when that expression is actually accurate and apt. You are suffering from a basic empathy failure.

Read into the science behind abusive relationships. Nothing anyone here can tell you will convince you. If you know the frog in boiling water analogy that's usually how it happens.

Diabroticavirgifera · 2015-02-04T13:17:58+00:00

Abuse doesn't just start the first time you meet someone. My ex in college didn't announce the first time I met him "hey! In a few weeks, I'm going to rip up your physics textbook and then curb stomp you because you're supposed to be paying attention to me!" and I hadn't really dated before so I didn't know what to expect. My next boyfriend was emotionally abusive- gas lighting, making fun of my weight even though I was actively being treated for an eating disorder (purging disorder or ED-NOS), saying that I "owed" him sex if he bought me anything, making me "earn" affection, etc. But at that time, my standard for a relationship was "does not hit me" and I didn't realize that he was emotionally abusive until years after we broke up (he'd been cheating on me and got with the other girl almost immediately afterward) because I read a list of traits of emotional abusers. So, I "let" myself be abused because I thought I was trash, and I kept remembering how wonderful he was the first time I met him, and even though I felt terrible all the time and my grades were in the toilet because I didn't know emotional abuse was even possible.

YaBoiTibzz · 2015-02-03T21:04:47+00:00

I can relate to this personally. The only GF I've had clearly thought and tried to make me think that I was the bad guy near the end of our relationship and that I was treating her poorly. My behavior consisted primarily of refusing to drive 30 minutes one way to see her every single day because gas is expensive and I just didn't feel like it, and not being affectionate enough (not saying "I love you" very often, not showing as much interest in whatever story or event she was talking about, etc.).

The reason was simply that I planned to break up with her at the end of the semester anyways, since I had decided that the relationship was not sustainable, and so I stopped putting any kind of extra effort (physical or emotional) into it. While we had been dating, she had dropped out of college, gotten and then promptly lost a job, and then been jobless for nearly a year. She was living with her sister and disabled brother and all of them were living off of his government disability check without holding jobs.

When pressed about this she told me that she "wasn't ready" to get a job or go back to school and she "needed time to work things out" which apparently meant laying on her couch watching tv all day. We barely had sex anymore because she had gained a lot of weight and I no longer found her attractive. She also complained about this (ironically). I talked about all of these things with her and told her she needed to improve. I did not use derogatory terms or call her names like "fat" or "lazy." Nonetheless even trying to discuss the matter in a calm and even tone would make her very upset and usually cause her to cry.

She ended up breaking up with me about 2 weeks before the semester's end, citing that I wasn't giving her enough attention or her needs weren't being met and etc. This was ideal as this way I could not be painted as the bad guy for breaking up with her, and honestly I had been holding out for this. You decide for yourself if it was "abuse" or not. She never used that specific word but she clearly felt that she was being mistreated in some way. She said several times that I "made her feel like shit" when I told her that I thought she needed to do better with her job situation, her weight, etc. So I can easily see how blurred the line could be between brutal honesty/insensitivity and "emotional abuse."

Reginleifer · 2015-02-03T16:11:59+00:00

I know I am victim blaming here

Feminist jargon aside, look at it without the touchy feely bullshit.

If I was a gamer, and I ranted day in and day out about how Ubisoft fucked over their customers, but you noticed I still purchased every single one of their games..... you'd certainly question my feelings, you'd question whether Ubisoft might truly be a bad company, and you might come to the conclusion that.

I like what Ubisoft does to me.
For all of Ubisoft's faults there are aspects of the relationship which make the continuation of the consumer relationship worthwhile.

Same shit for people who complain about near abusive bus companies (I no longer ride with a company who would have made an elderly lady stand the ride from San Diego to Los Angeles, and instead use Amtrak) Or people who bitch about food but still eat it.

Never let feminists shame you for using your brain. You have questions, ask them don't just listen and believe.

And for the most part yes, I do believe that most abuse cases are actually a case of reason #2. Even though they beat a woman, they have other qualities that excite her, make her tingle and as such she chooses to stay. (This only applies to single women, marriage and children complicates the matter)

You know the implications of this are kinda fucked up if you think about it. As one perma virgin from r9k put it, "

"to women domestic abuse is actually more desirable than settling down with one of you losers"

or as my boy "pretty boy Flizzy" puts it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=b5XfD2XtafU#t=650

It became so prevalent and is thrown around so lightly that every time I hear it I started to discount it.

You've become desensitized, it happens. It's why I generally can't stand certain SJ movements anymore. People need to learn to pick their battles.

Aerobus · 2015-02-04T00:23:11+00:00

You want a serious answer?

Women don't get abused as much as they'd like to think.

If a husband tells a wife not to eat a slice of cake because she'll get fat, it's not abuse.

If a husband tells the wife to suck his dick because he wants to be sexually satisfied, it's not abuse.

If a husband tells his wife to vacuum the room because it needs cleaning, it's not abuse.

But feminists consider this as abuse because in their mind men should not be allowed to say any of these things.

"Abuse" has lost meaning. It's hard to take real abuse seriously when people complain about the barista serving them a vanilla latte instead of one with caramel as abuse.

And yes, because I know BPers are going to cherrypick this, (as they always do), this did happen and women like this do exist so fuck off with your r/thathappened circlejerk

sh1v · 2015-02-03T18:08:43+00:00

Here's how it works, for a variety of reasons a bunch of man hating harpy feminists decide that all men are aggressors and all women victims and bitch about it non stop.

Some weak willed women buy into this, get into a shitty relationship and, rather than reflect on their poor decision making and lack of a spine / take some actual RESPONSIBILITY for themselves, they think "omg femunnizm is right everything be the mans fault." And then turn into weak willed, bitchy complaining machines themselves because they like the idea of constantly being a victim.

Theres a sick kind of power in being a victim, you get to believe you have the moral high ground, you get to absolve yourself of responsibility, and you get to indulge in emotions like hate and resentment and have others validate you for it. Women enjoy this, and the more privileges and perks we give them, the more they whine and complain about how victimized and oppressed they are and entitled everyone else is.

I for one, like to give people what they ask for, and most women walk around virtually begging to be treated like shit. I'd describe it as their "kink", but that would give credence to the cosplaying, gender queer freaks in this community, so i'll just call it women's inherent masochistic nature.

Denswend · 2015-02-03T15:59:41+00:00

There is a saying in my country which roughly translates to "who beats you loves you". And this vile thing is told to women from day one of kindergarten. How do they not end up in abusive relationship is beyond me, especially with that much of women objectification rampant in media. I mean, from Princess Leia in a bikini (the fact that she was the one who wanted to wear it only proves how much society weights down on women) to a common trope among ads, how do they not get lesser self esteem from unrealistic expectations of femininity they are bombarded with?

Furthermore, you fail to understand the complex mentality of a victim. Abusers are abusers because they balance the carrot and the stick, and keep the woman in unhealthy relationship with empty promises and brainwash which even the Scientologists would blush at. The fact that there's so many of emotionally abused women only proves the fact that #YesAllMen.

VarsitySlutTeamCpt · 2015-02-03T17:22:56+00:00

BP gets on the emotional abuse train to be the reason why they hate RP. RP doesn't condone violence so any sense of physical abuse is out of the question. Since emotional abuse cannot be measured they demonize what dread is and any thought of using it blasphemy. This then makes so that either women are emotionally weak(why RP thinks to treat them as kids) or emotional abuse gets thrown around carelessly.

[deleted] · 2015-02-03T19:25:48+00:00

Women feel emotionally abused by masculine behavior and temperament and wants, needs and desires because they are now raised to believe men are exactly like women, and they are not

denart4 · 2015-02-03T16:52:41+00:00

I kinda agree with you. Once you recognised the abuse it should be possible to leave.

Sometimes abuse is being used to get sympathy, usually when seeking emotional support. What is gonna work better: "he/she abuses me" OR "he/she doesn't act the way I want all the time".

Its just that women would rather seek support or talk with someone about it than men.

AryaBarzan · 2015-02-03T22:10:09+00:00

The word "abuse" (like the word "rape") is incredibly over-expanded by feminists. Calling a woman a name during a fight (even if she called you one first) is now classified as "emotional abuse" when before it was just fighting.

Your sentiments are correct and don't for one second call yourself a "victim blamer". A woman that gets herself into an abusive relationship has only herself to blame since she chose to be in a relationship with said abusive man. This doesn't mean that an abusive man is not responsible for his crimes, but she is solely responsible for the relationships in which SHE chooses.

If women were given less sympathy for choosing bad partners, there would be far less bad partners.

Title	Help me understand the prevalence of emotional abuse in women
Author	igotbeatbydre
Upvotes	0
Comments	53
Date	February 3, 2015 3:34 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/2un6wg/help_me_understand_the_prevalence_of_emotional/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/help-me-understand-the-prevalence-of-emotional.283621 https://theredarchive.com/post/283621

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