Previous post here.

Background- Me [28F], Gentleman [32M], cohab, both employed full time. Although we're as blue as an unclicked link, rather than sling uneducated judgement, I thought it would be more effective to try the theory. He is aware of the experiment and pledged to try to support it.

Core RP assumptions for this experiment

Certain behaviors based on presumed gender differences encourage harmonious heterosexual relationships.

These include:

a) a submissive (deferential, not kinky submissive) mindset is preferred by heterosexual men, while heterosexual women prefer dominance (not only kinky sexual).
b) cultivating traditional femininity (roles and appearance) can be key to maintaining an attractive position and the right mindset, although it is important not to confuse playing dress up with doing things properly.
c) It is of core importance to take care of male appetites, sexual and otherwise.

In order to give things a good college try, some of the things I've been doing over the past week:

1) Pay attention and modify my communication style, giving particular focus to where I took the assertive role.

Nobody, not even Gentleman, would argue that I am not a bossy person. He positively describes me as a "problem solver". But suffice to say I'm a fussy planner and putting the brakes on that has meant a lot of biting my tongue and sheepish apologies.

He also participated in helping by gently pointing out where I was being my usual assertive self. Trouble spots were generally where I would usually leap in with mothering behaviour and limiting my desire to be dynamic. I did not do perfectly at keeping my bossy self on a leash, although I understand that effort is the main thing. It probably helps that I don't sincerely believe its a character flaw although the experiment requires me to treat it as such.

Although I already value his opinion, I've been attempting to downplay my bossiness in discussions and verbally emphasize that I respect and care about what he thinks and trust him, rather than relying on it being implicit in my day to day behaviour.

2) Read "The Surrendered Wife", a recommended RPW text, and do the exercises and recommended activities inside.

The description in the book suggested I was very controlling. Completing the quiz at the start of the book said I was very happy and experienced a lot of intimacy.

I fudged the financial control chapter, since the idea of being handed my salary to then handing back an allowance in cash to me did not please Gentleman and the suggested "I can't!" wasn't going to fly for a month. I decided on a compromise that if he made any financial decisions I would abide by them unquestionably, and try to avoid unilaterally planning anything shared spending related, and phrase any ideas I had in the form of requests.

Surrendered Wife does not believe women should sexually initiate except to cultivate passive seduction. I have decided to let his libido decide any further congress, although he is already aware my existing receptiveness is basically 'only butt stuff needs advance notice, otherwise go nuts'.

There was a general focus on never saying "no" only "I can't", as well as re-enforcing how much you trust your male partner's judgement, not disagreeing with their plans and not being critical of them or their mistakes. That part was pretty easy- although the idea of never complaining about things to them but taking all your negative feelings outside the marriage seems one of the most challenging things- when I'm not doing this experiment I consider myself his chief PR officer, so venting is not something I'm comfortable with. I will make an effort to hang out with women more in the coming weeks.

The book also put a lot of emphasis on self indulgence, which I'm trying to be better at. I'll provide more feedback in the results summary section.

3) Cultivate a feminine appearance and manner.
This was probably the easiest task on the list. Generally RPW prioritizes dressing to please your partner over some sort of wardrobe in a box solution- although they tend to be pro-femininity but also low on ostentation as a default. Gentleman likes gothy pixie sluts.

It's also the middle of winter, which means slutting it up is severely hampered by the fact that he's not into blue lips, frost burn and red noses (not to mention my office does not seem the place to break out the garters) but excepting that issue it's been makeup every day. A side effect of this is that I have permanent Panda eye (even soaking my face in oil, mascara tends to get ground in).

RESULTS SUMMARY

Gentleman's feedback - he liked the messy black eye makeup I chose as my regular look. He described my behaviour as "coddling". He incorrectly attributed my lack of pants to the project, as well as my housekeeping- although neither were outside of my usual scope.

He has also been wryly pointing out things he did that were "beta", however I've been responding that since he's the one choosing to do them and I respect his choices that part is for him to decide.

Sex/Attraction - We did not have sex more than usual, and I initiated. (Saturday and Tuesday.) We have a planned sadomasochistic activity tonight with a third party. I cannot tell if his level of playful touching and groping is out of the average for him.

My libido has been constant.

Things I noticed - Other than being consistently mindful about biting my tongue, the most noticeable factor for me was feeling more distance inserted into the relationship. Although there is some encouragement to be more vulnerable, by and large not hovering and being more self indulgent encourages me to ignore him. This means he has to initiate a lot more general contact, and this means more overall positive poking from his end, for example he's more likely to make his own tea and make me some than have me ask him if I could make him tea. He's more likely to have to initiate cuddling than have me spontaneously rub his shoulders, and so on.

Touching back on the loneliness I noticed, generally a lot of my bossy attitude involves dragging him along on my adventures or Realizing my Vision for Us which generally means paying a lot of attention to him. For me, being the little purring engine in a relationship is not abnormal, but with Gentleman I've noticed I really, sincerely give a fuck what he thinks to a degree I've never really experienced with other people.

Obeying Surrendered Wife precepts basically make me feel less vulnerable- I no longer am experiencing the uncertainty of asking him to address my feelings in say, needing him to change behavior for my sake. On the one hand I've made an conscious choice to try to address my needs directly ("I want to be little Panda tonight!") on the other hand neatly packaged requests are a lot less open to the messy realm of human choice. For me, it feels a lot more vulnerable to expect him to interpret my emotions and decide how he wants to approach them than to make everything into simple linear requests. "I have made you aware I like nice things" is a lot more vulnerable than "I want flowers".

It's also provided space to think about how much I value Gentleman's ability to intuit what makes me happy, so at least cutting myself off from the things I like make me appreciate them even more.

Group feedback notes:

RP identified people were universally helpful/forthcoming with their feedback on my experiment, although the overall response was generally caution that it might irrevocably harm my relationship, belief it would not work due to Gentleman's blueness or deep skepticism in my ability not to turn it into a sexual fetish game.

I have noticed no harm in a week. I can not confirm about the effects of blueness as I am not an unbiased source. I have not been finding this arousing.

Going forward (next week):

  1. Continue with the makeup and observing my communication.
  2. Let him decide the sexual schedule and do not ask or physically initiate. Do not take the lead in suggesting naughty ideas, activities, etc... No surprise blow jobs or aggressively mounting him. (Explicitly not okay with Surrendered Wife)
  3. Work on the self care/independent nurturing suggested in Surrendered Wife and on spending more time with female friends.
  4. Read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", the other suggested task.

Other...?

So, what am I getting right, and what am I doing wrong? Any glaringly obvious no-nos? Easy to try things that fit into a month long timeline? Feedback? Questions?