My boyfriend is very busy - how do I STFU about it?

LateralThinker13 · 2019-10-28T13:45:38+00:00

I constantly whine in front of him how better it would be if we had more time and how happy I'll be when he has his degree.

You act like this will change once he has his degree. It won't. You're describing a man who will always fill his time with something. A workaholic, an active man.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing... so long as you're willing to take steps and make boundaries. So two things come to mind:

1) SCHEDULE DATES. If you want more time with him, get him to commit to specific times and dates with you.

2) Set boundaries. No phones in bed, or bedtime at X, or what meals he promises to sit down for, or whatever. A man like him is likely very structured and willing to uphold his word and commitments. This includes you, but you must speak up and commit to the time you claim from him. And, to be clear, when he does this, you can't wuss out either. If you ask for a man like this' time, you need to hold up YOUR end of it, too. Or he'll stop making promises to you.

Shadowneedshelp · 2019-10-28T09:14:28+00:00

This rings so many bells similar to what I was dealing with when me and my BF started living together. Before we even moved in together we were LDR of sorts. But when we moved in together, I realized that there was SO MUCH going on in his life that to took me by surprise. Over time, I started feeling resentful as well. Feeling as though we weren't spending quality time together as much as we were before. Luckily I have a near eidetic-like memory when it comes to our conversations. He sat me down and told me this.

" I can see why your feeling the way you do right now and I get it. I may be a little old school but whenever there's an issue between me and someone I'm close with, just speak on it. But when you do, always remember that wherever the place the conversation is coming from, as long as its all love and respect in the end, we'll be okay."

So talk to him about it. But don't bring the resentment and the whining with you when you guys have that conversation. Plus I don't know if you noticed, but if you look at your statement, your mentioning "You". A lot. He's in the relationship just as much as you are. But if don't bring him your concerns, How can you expect him to help you or address the situation? Hope this helps :)

James_Rustler_ · 2019-10-28T14:42:21+00:00

Part of what makes you attracted to him is his interesting life.

anickel120 · 2019-10-28T13:59:01+00:00

I think you might have decide if this kind of life is something you can see yourself doing long term? If you’ve communicated that you’d like more quality time together and you still don’t feel like your needs are being met, ask yourself, do you really see his time freeing up even after he gets his degree? He seems to enjoy the busy life, it seems he would be the type to fill the time he degree is taking now, with his career in the future. If he hardly slows down now, what’s going to make him slow down in the future? Engineering is a competitive field, and requires more than just the bachelors degree to fully become an engineer. He’s showing you right now, that this is his life, you can’t actually know that you’ll have more time after the degree, you’re just hoping. And if he doesn’t have more time, you’ll grow even more resentful that he’s wasted all this time keeping you strung along. It’s something you have to decide for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with waiting for him, but don’t expect his life to actually slow down.

_Ulan_ · 2019-10-28T10:38:46+00:00

our "couple quality time" is a bit rare

If you look at it from another angle, every time he won't spend being your incredible love partner is time he invests in his future. You will have a better life in ten years than those who spend their days going on dates every week. It's a blessing that your man is a hard working and busy man: There is no way to maintain a decent lifestyle than putting all efforts towards his career and social life.

You need to get and improve your own hobbies and friends so that you do not depend on his "couple quality time" to feel good.

-Acta-Non-Verba- · 2019-10-28T16:19:31+00:00

Engineering school is tough. I have a bachelors and a Masters. During my bacchelors, I was basically gone from Monday Morning till Saturday night most of the time, and my family saw me on Sundays and little bits here and there. But it was well-worth it. I just got a promotion where I make more in one check than I did in two while working at my previous job. And I'm applying for a position where, if I get it, my yearly pay RAISE will be more than my whole annual salary at my previous job. I will be making 3 times what I made in my previous job.

Life got easier after graduating (the Masters was easier, surprisinly) and now I have lots of free time, and my wife and kids get to see me lots more. I take take my boys to soccer and coach their team!

Point being: hang in there. It gets easier, and it's worth it. He sound like a great guy.

enzoastoria · 2019-10-28T16:03:14+00:00

You want to know how to stop whining??? Here’s the answer.......just stop whining. It sounds like he’s doing his best and is very overwhelmed. You being annoying isn’t helping and just causing him more stress. If u keep it up, he’ll start resenting you.

lakeside_shewolf · 2019-10-28T11:08:35+00:00

If he’s worth it, then you need to make sure your couple time is amazing. Then find something to do!

Something which engages your mind and body and will develop you as a person as well. Maybe volunteer teaching climbing? Maybe get involved at your church? ( if you have one) Whatever it is for you, the less you are just hanging at round waiting for him, the less you will feel like you’re being left behind.

lakeside_shewolf · 2019-10-28T16:56:46+00:00

I agree with what other posters have said. This sounds like a man who enjoys keeping busy, and he will probably stay busy even after graduation.

You need to decide whether this is something you can live with.

It doesn't sound like he is ever going to turn into the kind of man who works a 9 to 5 job and comes straight home at the end of the day. It DOES sound like he's a fun, dynamic guy.

I was confused about why you're not invited to all the weddings, parties, etc. Would it make a difference if you We're? Might give you two more shared experiences and help you build a life together.

If you want to stay in this relationship, it dounds like you need to be independent and able to enjoy life on your own some of the time.

szsunshine · 2019-10-28T18:10:12+00:00

Why are you not invited to these parties and weddings? I would think that if you moved down to be with him you are enough of a "couple" to be included (unless it is guys nite out, drinking or sports bar type of parties). I can even understand if a bride and groom had a "no ring, no bring" policy for guests....but if the two of you are a COUPLE you should be invited (unless there are severe restrictions on guests and ONLY married or engaged people can bring a plus one).

Does his engineering school have a "partners" group? When I was in a Master's program (I was single at the time), there was a group for (married and unmarried) partners of the students. They had pot luck dinners, had a babysitting co-op, went to happy hour, had "couples" activities. Maybe you can look into meeting COUPLE friends vs. "old buddies from high school."

I guess I'm wondering why you moved down - was it your idea or his? And was he honest about how busy you would be and how left out you would feel? If you only wanted to see him on the weekends, you could do that from a distance!

melitele3 · 2019-10-28T10:08:36+00:00

I think if this man has good qualities, you see future with him and you trust him, you should be a bit patient and see how this relationship progresses.

Before we started living together, me and my husband have been in long distance relationship for 3.5 years, lived on different continents (9h time difference) and saw each other only ONCE per year. I did that because I saw him as an ideal partner for me and I was willing to sacrifice that “together time” to be with him forever in the future. I think if you also see this man as a ideal partner, you could tell him you are struggling with so little time together but you will try to make best of it for the future.

HOWEVER if he seems to not be interested in committed, life long relationship with you then I would not do it. The reason why I agreed to relationship with my husband is because he was very focused on getting married and starting a family with me. If a man didn’t show such interest I wouldn’t sacrifice so many years for brief relationship.

Depressaccount · 2019-10-28T16:32:11+00:00

What are your hobbies and social activities?

afterthe_fapocalypse · 2019-10-28T21:45:53+00:00

Last summer I dated a girl who turned out to be a stage 9 clinger. When I realized that she needed constant attention, it colored every interaction we had. I began to realize that when she did things for me or even praised me, these actions were attempts to obtain attention in the future, and over and over again I would see this play out. Video phone calls I remember her pouting and complaining if I took a day to myself to take care of me. I told her about this (my mistake) and she never 'got it'.

So I dumped her, and felt great. The shadows vanished and again I could see daylight. It was a hard loss, though, because she had a great deal of highly attractive qualities. However everything she did and said because of her need for constant daily assurance became putrid. She was very good looking and has a perfect voice, but that does not make a relationship.

At least one of the mods doesn't like religion on here, but I recommend to try God. Nothing will help the hamstering like Him. Secondly learn to embrace the uncertainty and appreciate it. It lets him be the male, and opens the door to him surprising you.

Stupyyy · 2019-11-02T18:58:42+00:00

Don't whine and don't neg. If you have any concerns voice them in honest and caring matter.

v1cgt · 2019-10-28T12:57:12+00:00

From a guy,

A men will only put the amount of effort you require from him. Have a conversation about how you feel. If he does not listen the withhold sex and when he ask for it tell.him the way he feels is the way he is making you feel.

If he still does not learn you have to move on and end the relationship.

Title	My boyfriend is very busy - how do I STFU about it?
Author	lakeside_shewolf
Upvotes	35
Comments	44
Date	October 28, 2019 8:11 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/do5vl1/my_boyfriend_is_very_busy_how_do_i_stfu_about_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-is-very-busy-how-do-i-stfu-about-it.293055 https://theredarchive.com/post/293055

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