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"How do I make more friends?" By providing value. Here's how.

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November 24, 2019
697 upvotes

I'm getting tired of this question on AskTRP. I only bang through friends - I don't do clubs, and so I think it's an important question to ask. But there are three levels to the answer and all I ever see is the (somewhat dismissive, but fair) answer "get a hobby" "play sport". These are correct, but not complete. Lotta assholes playing ultimate frisbee and still feeling lonely. There's more.

Trigger warning: For the Americans among us, I'll flag that the rest of the world understands the difference between attacking someone and laughing with them about something at their expense. And mock insults as a form of socializing. Everyone else on the planet understands this, so for the rest of this post please interpret "attack" to mean insult or mock without consent. Consent can mean that you know each other and are comfortable ripping each other off like this. Some people think they have that consent, and aren't that funny. These are assholes. Anyway, separate topic. On we go.

People like to receive value. Therefore, to have people seek you out, you should provide value. Money? Fuck no. Social value. Here's how:

Step 1: get into a group of human beings

As we all keep saying, yes you gotta go and find the group. I don't like the suggestions of hobbies and sport though; it's too limited. Get on Meetup and see what's happening in your city. Join your city's subreddit. Check your local council/library if you're really desperate. Whatever. Pick something. The only variable here is:

Volunteer

- this provides the most observable form of value second to money, but avoids framing you as a provider to abuse

- It filters you into a social setting with people who also chose to volunteer

- it gives you something to do and to talk about which helps avoid awkward small talk

Sport/hobbies/church/literally any excuse that humans use to gather into a group

- the value you bring is less obvious, but often still there, for example adding numbers to the group can enable the thing to continue (a sports team needs a minimum number of players etc)

Step 2: Provide value

Showing up is bare minimum value, and you can add more. Here are some ways to do it:

  1. Remove the baseline obstacles to being considered an equal/normal member of the group. Join groups where you can afford to participate without being a burden. People won't pay you to show up until you're already at like a level 4 in popularity. get your transport and resources sorted. Obviously.
  2. Be visually attractive. This is a huge force multiplier, as it is what people judge first and it opens the door. The rest is yours to lose. And for men it's dead easy; lift, shave your head if you're balding, dress well, hair cut, and fucking shower.
  3. Have confidence. Oh? just like that? It's that easy? No of course not. It's hard and takes time. But it absolutely does not happen unless you actively work on it. Find out what you value in people and build those parts of yourself. That's the magic formula. Men especially are lucky in that our value is not in our youth but in things we have the power to make. Use that advantage.
  4. Turn your focus to the individuals you're hanging out with. How do you engage with each on in particular in a way that they will enjoy? I actually do this subconsciously, but I think it's worth listing as an active decision.

3.1 If you're in the strong position; protect the weak. In a group of 5 lawyers and 1 maccas employee, I'm absolutely not going to bring up anything related to law. That's gonna make maccas bro feel like shit. Lawyers tend to have no life outside of work, so I'll actively move conversations away from work in this situation as well, because once we get in their domain, the conversation is going nowhere fast.

3.2 If you're in the weak position; learn from, and flatter, the strong. I'm moderately fit but I have small muscles. Built dudes are often attacked for it ("in jest") because people are threatened. I automatically compliment them on their bulk and ask about how I can build my <choose random part of the body>. I'm immediately on their side of that line they always socialize on and we're good from there on out. Plus bodybuilding is their art form. Everyone likes having their art noticed and admired. Don't be desperate in how you do this, do it from a place of self-respect and inner strength. That's why this is step 2.3.2, not 2.1. If the people you're around would attack you for engaging in this way then they have the maturity of a young teenager. Even older teenagers have figured out how repulsive that insecurity is. See my note about negativity above.

  1. Be funny. I'll write a separate post on this if asked, but here's a cheat sheet: If it fails, STFU and let someone else take the conversation, wear the loss and move on. People can forgive a bad joke, but we all hate the insecurity that forces someone to keep going. Remove all negativity. All jokes have a true element. It's only funny if they get it. I'll fucking stab you if you explain a joke everyone hates this. A joke is a surprising discovery of a link between two concepts.

Step 3: Leverage your popularity

I know this post was only about step 1, but there's more on offer here, and I'm going to mention it. Don't just get enough friends that for 90% of the time the fear of loneliness goes away. become popular, and then use it to make the world better. I don't mean save the whales, though you're free to of course. What I mean is that your new friends have subconsciously voted you into a position of influence in their community and you now get to call some of the shots. Call good shots. Make the community enjoyable to be in. This is a vital part of popularity that most people miss as their own individual and immediate needs have been met, and it usually results in the community stagnating and then breaking down. Fuck that, we're here to get better. Here's how:

  1. Don't become a despot. Many outcasts hold resentment towards people and when they get into power they do the only thing they ever learned from the popular: they make them feel like shit. Congratulations, we have an infinite loop of not happiness, not productivity, or creation, but shit. Literally what could be worse than an infinite loop of shit. Fuck outta here.
  2. Change the community. A community averages out the personalities of its members weighted by their value quotient. Yours is now higher. Use it. Some communities have negativity; start by removing it entirely from your own language, then subtly helping others to do the same. Instead of taking advantage of people's fuck ups for humor, actually become funny or interesting. When you remove that people are free to take more risks and you can start having fun. Judgement by other girls is the number 1 factor between you and some pussy. Consider that.
  3. Find new communities. The whole point of providing value to the first group you come across is because that's how you get invited to the next community. I've now got a field of friends who I've filtered from between 20-30 communities. These people are the highest quality; typically have their body in order, are funny, confident, they have enough self worth that we can relax together and be weird. And they invite me to the coolest shit this city has to offer. I only see any particular one of them 1-2 times per month, but they still keep inviting me because they know when I show up I'll make them feel good.

Conclusion

Just like all other human interaction, socializing (and popularity) is a market. Improve your market value. The side bar will tell you how to do this in a male-female relationship. I hope the above will have some pointers on how to do it in a community scenario.


Post Information
Title "How do I make more friends?" By providing value. Here's how.
Author laserdicks
Upvotes 697
Comments 74
Date 24 November 2019 01:58 AM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/296416
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/e0rzjo/how_do_i_make_more_friends_by_providing_value/
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Comments

[–]vintageBiscuit116 points117 points  (11 children) | Copy

There should be more articles like this. RP male-females stuff works and it’s great. I am no pro tho. But recently I began looking towards RP like male-male relationship pill (no homo).

[–]RequinSoupe31 points32 points  (2 children) | Copy

If we all don't have strong male-male relationships, the facade will be obvious and we'll never figure out the male-female part.

[–]vintageBiscuit7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t take it serious. No homo.

[–]Way2ManyTakenNames5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

me and the boys going to the bar not to meet people but to just get drunk together

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]muricanwerewolf118 points19 points  (4 children) | Copy

So nobody thinks we’re doing gay stuff broski

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]muricanwerewolf120 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re like the only person who doesn’t get “no homo” is tongue in cheek no homo

[–]Zech4riah2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Did the comment about homos made you unable to think straight?

[–]idonthavtitsbcimaguy10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

What's wrong with being gay with the boys?

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy

[removed]

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the compliments and your contribution. Great stuff here

[–]Zenithh_31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy

Another way to add social value is to connect different people together. For example, you have a buddy 1 who is looking for a personal trainer and buddy 2 who is actually a personal trainer. Introducing them is a great way to be seen as the bridge between people.

[–]random_echo30 points31 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'd like to add something to this. Build your own group. Organize your own things. Dont expect a group of friend to include you, you will never 100% get along with all of them.

BE THE ONE ORGANIZING STUFF. BE THE ONE CHOOSING WHO GETS TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

Pick people you like from all around your different acquaintances and groups (work, something-club, gym, dude you talk in the bus with, whatever) that you feel comfortable with, find something to do, anything that you find entertaining. You regroup people with the same kind of vibe according to your vision. Be enthusiast about your idea and send invites. And .. that's it, the people that will like your events will come again, they will respect you in that group as the one injecting the energy to do things and call them to come again.

If someone doesnt really seem to respect you or just doesn't feel right, you just stop inviting him again, no hard feeling. Dont be jimmy-swimmingpool that invites everyone because his parents have a pool. Be Tommy that organize those fun picnics in the woods with a private group of friends.

When you make the effort of making stuff happen, you become the soul of your group, its YOUR pack because you made it. Feeling like you belong is the greatest joy a man can experience.

The final truth is, everyone has his own group, everyone in your group has his own group. The only ones that complains that they dont get invited are the ones that dont make the effort to attract people around them and just want to get invited.

[–]DownyGall11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah I think one of the main lessons of modern life or life in general is that people are lazy. You really have to take the initiative these days.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

100%. It's becoming more and more of a doocracy out there

[–]urbanfoh2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is better advice than the post above.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm inclined to agree.

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]MeganMcArdle17 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Value first. Hard to do much without some underlying value.

[–]mper335 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

6 piece or 20 piece nugget tho?

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Cheers, glad to hear it

[–]Jugurthajones8759 points60 points  (9 children) | Copy

Good stuff. I’ve definitely been the guy who busts on people without their consent and only recently came to see how much it was based on insecurity.

[–]oofmydigestivesystem85 points86 points  (5 children) | Copy

the guy who busts on people without their consent

Dropping unwanted loads on your mates definitely ain't the best idea.

[–]Jugurthajones8720 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy

Oh, I’m talking about folks who aren’t even my friends. Thought I was being friendly but, due to my size and physique, it comes across as bullying. Reality is, it’s an attempt to connect with other folks but I was doing it based on the assumption that there was some level of connection that didn’t really exist.

[–]Sumsar0111 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

Only works with guys who Arent pussified

[–]youareshandy8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good on you for realizing it. Best of luck to you

[–]Casanova-Quinn8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

The art of “shit talking” can be a great bonding tool, but it’s something that can’t come out of nowhere. There has to be an established friendship or at least a clear understanding that you’re not being serious.

[–]Jugurthajones879 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

On the bright side, I know I’m good at it and can do it when the time comes. Before I started lifting and eating red pills, I was one of these guys who couldn’t do it and thought only jerks did it.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

That self awareness and owning of your past is impressive. Rock on

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (3 children) | Copy

The real guide I want to see is: how to be successful with the minimal amount of friends possible.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuckkkkk, I'd pay good money for that.

Maybe start with the above and then reading "when I say no I feel guilty"?

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K1819 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is some good advice.

I see guys saying the same thing - 'I became a 'red pill man, but now I have no friends and I know everyone has motive and I'm depressed. How to have friends in dis awful red pill world'?

Damn, lighten up. It's all a game. You're right, people want value. Positive emotional value is the best.

A guy I know does it perfectly. He spent time working in construction and learnt how to work people, get them on side.

Having humour, letting people in on a joke, making them laugh. Then every now and then asking something which makes it seem like you give a shit about them.

It won't be long until people think you're a cool guy.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy

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[–]71219580412018 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed, though making acquaintances (which I'd call casual friends) is the first step to finding true friends. Once you have a lot of casual friends, you can start sorting them out into who your real friends are and who is just in it because it's currently in their best interest. See who is willing to help you, make sacrifices for you, and stick around when things aren't perfect (hopefully with you reciprocating).

Because making sacrifices is really the only way to know how good of a friend someone is. Without that, you have no idea how quickly someone would abandon you when things get difficult.

[–]DownyGall5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s very difficult to make true friends post college because you generally can’t frequently hang out with people. In high school and grade school, you hang out with people all day in school. There’s obviously work to be done but a lot of bonding going on. In college, everyone you’re friends with is within a 15 minute walk so you can hang out every day if you want. You’re also around the same age as everyone around you.

Enter real life. Your friends you may like are a half an hour away or more. Even if you like someone at work, you can’t shoot the shit like you did in high school really. If you want to do something after work, a lot of people are really tired or have someone else going on whereas in college maybe that wasn’t the case. This results in you seeing your friends maybe once or twice a month, which it makes it very difficult to build something true.

Plus, a lot of times you only hang with people you have something in common with so it can become transactional - I need someone who can help me with my woodworking project. Your friends in high school are literally friends of proximity. That’s why it’s difficult to talk to them after sometimes. You became friends with them because you had a class with them. However, that breeds something more true because you’re only friends with them because you like their personality. You have built in topics because you know all the same people in that little community of school.

[–]Fulp_Piction9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've never noticed flattering the strong to work consistently, it's just kissing ass. In a group of guys the ass kisser gets no respect, it only offers value to the narcissist validation junkie who's too far up his own ass to care about you. Status in a male group is earned by providing value, usually that means hard work, discipline and time - there are no shortcuts.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with just about all of your comment, but do believe you can flatter without kissing ass. It all comes down how you value yourself. I'm not built, but am smart, driven, funny, and have a good face. I need nothing from the body builder (to continue the example) and as a result they can sense I'm not begging.

It's a difficult balance to get right, but when you know you know.

[–]Field_Of_View5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

tldr: Show up, look good, be good at conversations.

[–]TheInsulator4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Of course American males rip on each other. I think non-Americans have this misconception about us from media and whiny bitches on reddit. If there’s one universal trait that unites men of all cultures is laughing at other people’s expense. All in good fun of course. There’s a middle age black guy on my job site that looks like Huggie-bear from starsky and Hutch so we call him Huggie Bear. He doesn’t like it of course but fuck him, he looks like Huggie Bear.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I definitely expected this when I wrote that, and I'm glad it was said. There's only so much nuance you can fit in a post that's already that long.

You get all kinds in any large group.

Even in your example where you say he doesn't like it, it's entirely possible that it fits the culture of the group and is done in an endearing way. Reality is too specific and complex for a one size fits all rule.

[–]uwey4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Make yourself more useful, and deal with people that are useful to you.

Go to jail, and see how many friends you really have.

I would trade all friends for one that ride or die pal. Sometimes strange circumstances build a pack, and friendship often occur when both man admire each other’s ability to survive and thrive.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wouldn't we all. I haven't found one yet, but the odds of coming across them are much higher now.

Plus I can't afford the time needed to maintain true relationships at the moment. But hopefully will over the next 5 years.

[–]uwey1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Spend you time wisely.

To born and die at 80, that is only 29220 days. Less that 30000 days.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Absolutely. Most people I know haven't got a clue how fast it goes.

[–]throwaway697648 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great text. This should be in the sidebar considering how many people ask this question.

[–]Scorsone2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you use that in a business setting, expect exponential growth fast.

[–]minnesotamoon3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good post. You mention writing a post on how to be funny if asked. Consider this the ask.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Heh stitched myself up with that offer didn't I. Ok I'll commit to trying to get it done in the next week. Not sure it's trp related enough to be posted here, but I suppose I could filter it through that lens. Will see.

[–]sharpwolfangs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm glad I saw this post. Just since a couple of weeks ago I've been ruminating on ideas like the ones in this post.

Thank you OP, good contribution.

[–]opper-hombre12 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good post. I’ve been thinking about this lately, as a lot of my friend group is graduating and moving away. I don’t have a problem socializing and bringing value to a group, my problem is inserting myself into a group/community. Something I need to work on. Thanks

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good luck! It won't be long before you're getting annoyed at having to tell people you don't have time for them.

[–]MandingoMaasai2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I loved this article, sent it to a friends. The lad says he "games" men to make friends and he is rather unsuccessful at maintaining friendships because he adds little to no value to any friend-groups we are members of together.

[–]SwoleBenji9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Step 1) Have money.

Step 2) Have free time.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Can't offer value if you haven't got any!

Build your life first, invite people into it afterwards.

[–]urbanfoh4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I do not find this post particular helpful. The only thing applicable is "get out and meet people". The rest is either obvious or not simply achievable.

Telling people to just be attractive, popular and funny does not help anyone. Part of why people are not funny, popular and social is because they do not get the opportunity to practice in a social setting. I hope you see the feedback loop here.

But this post and the lacking answers on asktrp apart from "get out and meet people" indicate that there is not an easy solution to this problem. Popularity is a huge feedback loop which is easy to improve if you already have a big social circle as you get invited to opportunities to meet new people. It is a whole other game for absolute loners who will struggle to even find one social circle they can stick to.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely some truth here, and I acknowledge that up front.

Everyone can lift though. Everyone can get a hair cut and shower.

Not everyone is going to be funny. But they can be affable, they can bring energy, and they can choose to support what the group is doing.

You're right, there's absolutely a rich-get-richer feedback. But it's not the only factor. Everyone can improve themselves, even if only a little.

[–]collegeguy1151 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Very good summary of some things that have been floating around my head for the past year.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

100% agreed. Thank you for this.

[–]Standgrounding1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

That should be taught in schools. You're a God for saying this.

Also, a point on Building Value 1, how exactly would one remove the baseline obstacles?

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks m8, honestly didn't expect to hit such a chord.

What I call the baseline obstacles are essentially resource. Money covers a multitude of sins and the reality is that there are areas in society that are pay to play. Don't join a polo club if you're broke. The price of those social events will make your eyes water.

Similarly, it's difficult to build a good position in a group of you need to beg for lifts everywhere.

These are both obstacles I've lived with and succeeded through, it's just a step where you consider the most efficient ways and places to begin.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to clarify your personal definition of value.

For me it's people who bring energy and have enough self worth that they can give and take a joke. And are smart.

I tend to find them in places doing the things I like to do. In fact I don't actively seek them at all. I assume I'll find them doing the things I like doing. Because Ive worked on becoming a person who brings energy, and with enough self worth to be able to give and take a joke.

Note how those aren't subject based at all? What the group meets around doesn't matter at first. Open up your pool first, filter for the right people (and activities) later

[–]daha20021 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Quality post, thank you for your words

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the feedback

[–]NorthLocation121 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I recent started using my dark humour and got in with big rollers. Picking something your good at and going with it will get u there. I have realised my whole body language changed from trying to walk all alpha to doing it naturally and saying less. Women have picked up on that shit.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

These days I'm more convinced the only person we can really fool is ourself.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I don't mean save the wales, though you're free to of course.

Wales is beyond saving, they're applying TRP concepts to try and get their woolly BP dreams fulfilled.

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Besides, big is beautiful now. And if you can't handle her at her worst, you don't deserve her at her slightly less awful.

... Wait I think we're talking different whales here.

*Thanks for flagging the typo lol

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

;)

[–]Thelminator0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Let me know if any of you has a different idea, I'd like to change point of view but I feel like having too many different group of friends could make you end up without one fundamental friends group. To explain better, I used to have like 4 group of friends with 1 of them being the fundamental one with the people I'm more intimate with and know everything about me, with the other 3 groups I still could be myself, have lots of fun etc. Now, focusing too much on other groups I've loosen up relationships with the 1st fundamental group and this group fell apart. I've ended up still having the other 3 groups but the problem is that they have not the same intimacy with me, we don't see eachother every day, etc, so it's not the same thing. Therefore I'd advise to have multiple social circles but to have 1 special/fundamental circle you give more attention to.

[–]majani0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is a great guide for red pill guys who want to dominate every group immediately the same way they dominate their women. Better to drop that always-on alpha BS and come into a group dynamic humbly as this guy has laid down

[–]1laserdicks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

People can smell a true alpha. And the can see a fake even faster.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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