My boyfriend is busy to talk to me but free to have sex

kaazsssz · 2018-09-21T19:07:27+00:00

As a guy, I’m a talker. I really am. I can talk and talk and talk.

But also as a guy, I am no match in the talking department for any woman. Women can talk seemingly all day every day for years and years to infinity and beyond.

In my personal experience talking with my SO every day about her day and thoughts and feelings and interactions with her day becomes difficult. The days blend together for me and I become exhausted of talking. It becomes a thing that is only for her benefit and not mine at all. It becomes a chore that I feel forced to do because apparently all women need to talk about their day daily. For me I want to talk about ideas and theories and interesting events and cool gadgets and who knows what else. I do not want to sit and listen to you ramble all day about your day and Becky did this and that. It kills me inside and gives me anxiety and starts to drive me crazy.

Maybe I’m just a low quality man, I don’t know. I can only give my own perspective. Though I would like to know more about this in terms of LTRs and how couples work this out in a positive and sustainable way.

vintagegirlgame · 2018-09-21T18:03:37+00:00

Request an actual “date night” instead of making yourself available for just for Booty calls. Offer to make him dinner if he doesn’t automatically offer to take you out. It can even be because“you’re working so hard these days, it’s time to celebrate your new job success!” A date night means quality together time leading up to sexy time. You both get what you want. Yes he’ll have to set some time aside for it but even w a busy job the man still needs to eat, still wants sex, and you need to feel that your emotional needs are taken care of to feel sexy for him.

Also, invest the “time to talk” into your girlfriends. Talking w them will be more rewarding form of communication for you. He’s shown in the past that he’s good at carrying on a conversation w you, but honestly “talking” isn’t very important to men, so it’s natural that w a new job taking up his time, talking is now bottom of the list for him, and def less important than sex.

tenncjed · 2018-09-21T16:14:09+00:00

Maybe he's stressed from his new job but is getting what he wants and ignoring what you want. A great woman deserves a great man. If you are doing what you can to help him relax and he is ignoring you except to get laid, that sounds like a red flag that he's moved on and only sees you as a plate.

DelicateFlower14 · 2018-09-21T17:28:31+00:00

Cost benefit Analysis:

-Sex might take 20 min, but be the highlight of his day/week

-Talking can go long without a clear benefit to both parties

Especially when you have few free hours during your day, your mentality toward how you spend your time really starts to adopt this sort of mindset

DelicateDevelopment · 2018-09-21T17:36:17+00:00

But now he rarely speaks to me even after work. I told him that I miss talking to him but nothing has changed.

Did you ask him if anything troubles him? It actually sounds to me like there could be something at work that really bothers him. Maybe bothers so much that he doesn't want to speak about it at the moment. Does he feel successful at what he is doing?

Telling him that you miss talking to him and therefore maybe posing another demand on him that he feels he cannot fulfill due to being worried/exhausted already, might make him feel as if he is unsuccessful at work and also unsuccessful in making you happy.

Since he is not talking you, you have little possibility to directly find out what is going on without seeming like nagging or unhappy. Since you have already told him that you miss him and therefore he might be cautious about everything else that comes.

So instead of trying to find out what is going on with him, you could try to "simply" (I know how hard it is) tell him that you think he seems to be going through a hard time but that you are certain he will manage to deal with whatever it is that is causing him the hard time and that you are certain that it is all going to be fine.

If there really is such a clear trigger as a new work place that goes beforehand a change in personal behavior I would tend to think that it actually is rather work-related than to you.

It might become related to you if you increase the pressure by wanting him to ease your worries as well. At the moment it seems as if he cannot ease his own. Therefore, giving him trust and support might be the way to go.

Wolfssenger · 2018-09-21T21:40:00+00:00

I may be able to offer some insight here. My life in the last five months has been about as busy as possible. There are times when I'm working, times when I'm sleeping, and times when I should be working and am not because I need to work out to stay fit and sane(And I browse Reddit while I walk and such if you're wondering where this factors in). Needless to say I haven't a lot of time.

If I had a girlfriend, I'd like sex to be on the menu whenever we spent time together(which would probably be once or twice a week). This is due to a few reasons. The first of these is that it's a biological need, and that desire to sate that need is amplified considerably when I've had my nose to the grindstone for the last 72 hours and get a few hours to spend in a soft, feminine space before I have to go back.

Another reason is that the more stressful and competitive the environment I'm in is, the more the "Imposter" shadow/syndrome grows. There's a post describing that phenomenon that was one of the top ones in this sub. Most everyone knows that sex is an affirmation of worth and approval, as such this further amplifies the desire to date this need.

All this being said, I would still very much like to talk to my SO before and after. I am however, a talkative person, so the lack of conversation isn't necessarily a red flag for a quieter man.

My purpose was simply you give you the male perspective, however if I had to give actionable advice it would be this: if he was previously talkative AND is not utterly arrested by work at all times, then consider further action. However, if he wasn't talkative or is simply THAT busy, perhaps look for other signs as well.

Kinda got scattered, hopefully this helps.

laidir7 · 2018-09-21T21:44:52+00:00

What does your gut say

WishIWasAMuppet · 2018-09-21T17:46:34+00:00

If by “talking” you mean unloading and venting and complaining for two hours then maybe I can tell you why. Not trying to generalize women, but when your man has just worked a 10 hour shift with a two hour commute the absolute last thing he needs is a bitch fest about your coworkers and family/friends drama.

stripethrowaway · 2018-09-21T16:17:34+00:00

How long have you been together and did he explicitly tell you he’s your boyfriend?

sarahvhoof · 2018-09-22T00:49:34+00:00

Sex is most likely his major stress relief. Have you tried getting him to talk after sex? I have lots of great conversations with my bf after sex. Never underestimate pillow talk.

idonteventhrowdude · 2018-09-22T11:00:37+00:00

I can not lie to you. For a lot of men talking after work is the last thing we want to do. We also don't talk just to talk. It usually comes with some sort of purpose. The moment you make it feel like a chore, we are less inclined to do it. So I suggest two things.

You have no idea how much we would love you if you left us alone. Leave him alone after work. You have no idea how much he will love you if you give him space and time to deflate after his day. And I don't mean wait until he's ready to start saying things. Learn to get comfortable relaxing in that silence and he will most likely love you even more. You go from gf to amazing gf, simply by not trying to make him talk to satisfy your need for reassurance.
Like I said men don't usually like to talk just to talk. Stuff like that can drive us insane. That isn't quality time spent. We normally talk to obtain information. Everything from making fun of friends to flirting is a subconscious effort to obtain some sort of information. I'd look at how you are talking to him and what you are usually trying to talk about. If it's just that you want him to say things to you, that doesn't make sense.

Naturally the more you get to know someone, the less you'll have to just say. It might help to keep on top of current events in the world, learn how to tell stories and shift your conversation to cover more conceptual or hypothetical concepts.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2018-09-21T16:42:11+00:00

Sex is a man's way to communicate and feel intimacy, and sex is used to relieve stress. If he's going through a difficult time at work, he may be shutting down or avoiding his feelings.

Men express their way through actions rather than words, and for the most part men generally don't really talk unless there's something to talk about.

Jrobalmighty · 2018-09-22T00:36:47+00:00

Does your SO consider himself redpilled?

It sounds like a combination of being mentally depleted and becoming overly comfortable in the relationship.

You have been together just long enough for the first phase of a relationship becoming routine so it may just be his job, lack of awareness and mental fatigue.

Men express their feelings through actions and contact. Men typically use less words per day than women so if he has a new job he could be out of words for the day lol.

I hope this helps. It's not an immediate sign he's lost interest or plated you.

Maybe you can initiate conversation by asking him about things he enjoys and the more you learn about him the more he can open up about interests to you.

Guide him toward the ability to discuss things by being asked the type of questions that will engage his interests even when exhausted. Just set aside a certain amount of time each day and build it up slowly.

qwerty_slut · 2018-09-21T22:09:45+00:00

Maybe the spark of interest is gone. Read a book or do some new activity that engages you in a new way that will give you something to talk about and also peak his interest. If he feels like he has you completely figured you out he might feel like there is nothing to talk about. If you show some positive change in behaviour it could open new dimensions to your personality and make him question whether there is more to you than he thought. Which will engage his curiousity. Another option is to joke around and create inside jokes. If there is nothing new to talk about at least you can keep joking around and having fun.

[deleted] · 2018-09-22T03:34:34+00:00

If his job is highly stressful, this is totally normal. OP, you need to chill out. Save "talks" for the weekend, and try to just be supportive of his new job. I was in this same mode (medical student) with my LTR, specifically with regards to sex. The reason he's having sex instead of talking as much is that it is a way for you two to be highly intimate in a very short period of time, without having to talk for an hour or two. Basically, it's a method to be (as cringy as it sounds) "efficient" with your intimacy during the week. If he is coming home from work and is totally beat, just respect that he's doing his best.

Another thing you've got to consider here is that "talking" with a woman requires a certain mindset; personally, I'm best for "talks" when I've got energy, early in the morning after coffee. Later in the day, though, I'm dead, and couldn't talk my way out of a paper bag. So it may be that your man is so tired that if he were to talk to you, he'd come off like a zombie, and you may even end up more pissed off as you'll think he's not putting effort into the conversation....when in reality he just had his ass kicked all day and really needs to rest.

So I guess what I'm saying is, just try to be empathetic to his situation. It sounds like he's just doing his best. Don't fall into the convenient trap most women fall into where they start to blame and demonize their man when they don't get everything they want exactly as they want it. Not saying you're doing this now, but it seems like you're swaying toward that trajectory, and I'd really hate to see that happen to yet another otherwise happy couple.

Title	My boyfriend is busy to talk to me but free to have sex
Author	DelicateFlower14
Upvotes	34
Comments	65
Date	September 21, 2018 4:02 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9hrcrl/my_boyfriend_is_busy_to_talk_to_me_but_free_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-is-busy-to-talk-to-me-but-free-to.2982 https://theredarchive.com/post/2982

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