Only Enjoy First Time Sex

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December 29, 2019
105 upvotes

Lately I find I'm only getting satisfaction out of sleeping with new chicks. Even if the sex was phenomenal I loose interest in seeing the same person a second or third time. Can't keep plates when I'm always choosing to pursue someone new.

Anyone else experienced something similar and managed to break out of it? This isn't sustainable.


Post Information
Title Only Enjoy First Time Sex
Author blysol
Upvotes 105
Comments 68
Date 29 December 2019 07:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/303482
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/eha8j4/only_enjoy_first_time_sex/
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Comments

[–]MisterBlox54 points55 points  (20 children) | Copy

I've experienced similar. Only stayed with the same for easy accessibility. I even get it with girls I quite like. It sucks

[–]SapphireBlack23 points24 points  (17 children) | Copy

Honestly, I feel the same way and It prevents me from ever seeing my self in a relationship with a single chick.

[–]Intendto50 points51 points  (13 children) | Copy

Imagine being in a relationship for 2 years. My ex was a smoke but I got so fucking bored.

I think it’s an internal issue and has nothing to do with the girl. Boring people get bored. Only once I started meditating can I now see myself in a relationship again since I can conceive of love without attachment as I do loving kindness meditation to all beings. My daily conscious experience has also become filled with joy since this seems to be the default state of the mind when you build up a certain degree of mindfulness. Maybe that could help you?

I think the problems we experienced were rooted in need for external stimuli/validation to produce happiness which is rooted in the illusion that we are a seperate self. The idea that having sex with the next hotter girl will make us happy. It won’t. Show me a 10 in a relationship and I can show you a guy who’s tired of her. We know this. The answer lies within it would seem.

edit: I should add, devloping some sort of aversion to wanting to bang the next hot girl isn't ideal either. You are once again setting up an "if "x" or "not x", I would be happy" - This is a form of suffering. In the context of TRP it would be another form of outcome dependence.

[–]GonadGravy13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

"No matter how hot she is, someone out there is sick of dealing with her shit"

[–]clickherebaby0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Right but to claim that youre sick of her after fucking once is such bullshit.

[–]TheeSakred2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

So mediation helped you? That’s the one thing I really haven’t played with in regards to self improvement, and I have this problem.

[–]Intendto6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sure. PM me I can tell you all about it and what resources I've found helpful. I might as well throw out that The Mind Illuminated By Ph.D. John Yates is a standout revolutionary piece with respect to the meditation community.

Meditation, in general, has more than "helped me" I think it has fundamentally changed my life. In the beginning, I was looking to improve focus and find more peace of mind. Then I started having much deeper experiences on and off the cushion and now I would say it's become the focal point of my life: my mission is to become awakened. But that's just my experience.

With respect to the specific problem posed in this thread - the sidebar here says I can't post links but I did make a post a little while back titled "How to mindfully review lust" in the ThMindIlluminated subreddit. I think the responses I got there were extremely insightful to this subject. In a nutshell, they recommended looking for the underlying/root of the problem (as someone said here it could be seeking approval), being mindful of sensations associated with sexual arousal, sexual sublimation, and doing Metta (Loving Kindness) meditation in the field to random girls you notice sexual arousal for. All of these things from my perspective tie in really well with TRP with respect to outcome independence.

[–]flipdoggers0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm pretty sure I've seen multiple users here on TRP talk about The Mind Illuminated, makes me happy that more and more people are being exposed to such an amazing part of life

Meditation, in general, has more than "helped me" I think it has fundamentally changed my life. In the beginning, I was looking to improve focus and find more peace of mind. Then I started having much deeper experiences on and off the cushion and now I would say it's become the focal point of my life: my mission is to become awakened. But that's just my experience.

Same

[–]DrainTheMuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Awesome post thanks man

[–]creamynebula2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for your insight.

[–]DF-RP1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I would say it's less about being bored or boring or even searching for "happiness" than simply the rush you get from new conquests. At least for me personally, I enjoy the hunt, the challenge of talking myself into new pair of pants. From evolutionary perspective it also makes perfect sense to want to bang as many girls as you possibly can.

[–]Hungboy69694203 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Agreed I think it's normal to want to bang new pussycat regularly

[–]Rage81503 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Especially if you've conditioned yourself through years of pornography use (unlimited novelty).

[–]Intendto1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Being blue pilled is normal too. Being outcome independent is rather abnormal, but I suspect it brings more joy and happiness in life than the alternative, and probably even more pussycat.

[–]Intendto0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What you describe is ideal. You simply enjoy the pleasure associated with the hunt and don't get attached to it.

I will say though, a lot of things make sense evolutionarily that don't make us happy, such as desire. I think desire/craving is the underlying component in outcome dependence (and what we know to be the cause of suffering).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply "enjoying the hunt" in the same way that there is nothing wrong with enjoying a good steak. The problem arises once you become attached to the pleasure associated with that steak, now you develop an aversion towards losing the steak and a desire to continue enjoying the steak. You embed into your sense of self that "I like steak". More desire and aversion, more wanting/not wanting things to be different from what they are, more dissatisfaction and dependance on outcome (I'm starting to think the term "outcome dependence" is almost the same as suffering - this would mean a lot of important things).

I think for anyone who wants to be more outcome-independent the solution is to be more mindful of sexuality.

Of course, we are conditioned to want sex, just as much as we are conditioned to want food/water. I'm interested in investigating how we work with this conditioning to produce happier and more outcome-independent outcomes.

Working on sublimating sexuality (how does sexual energy present itself outside of typical attraction), and being mindfully aware of sensations associated with it: acknowledge and accept sensations you feel. Notice it. Where do you feel sexuality from? How do your thoughts change around sexual arousal? During mindful review: relate your sexuality to the three characteristics: the separate self is an illusion, things are impermanent, and none of it is satisfying. Also, fabricating your mind's fabrications ie. acknowledging that there are bones and meat under her skin.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very cool. I am definitely basing my happiness on external stimuli. Probably the majority of my problem. Not getting the results I want results in misery which lowers my value. Maybe? Who wants to be with a disgruntled person? I had studied mindful meditation did a while. I think I should dust off those books and take another look at it.

[–]iwviw4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I wonder if this is a biological evolutionary trait or a learned trait from culture. My guess is that it’s an animalistic thing, I’ve watched animal documentaries and many do the same, bang once and dip

[–]gigolobob6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Men gotta spread their seed. “Bang once and dip” -Ghenghis Khan

[–]Intendto2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This would make a lot of sense. Evolution isn’t driven by happiness, it does what it must to spread our genes

[–]clickherebaby0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wtf? So fuck with then more if it sucks? Dude you have to be retarded if you think this is a problem.

[–]Fuktiga_mejmejs40 points41 points  (1 child) | Copy

I think deep down it has to do with approval.

[–]Intendto3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

How best to sublimate this “emotion” if we can call it that? Notice the sensation of disproval, accept it, let go of the attachment of approval “I no longer want x to feel y towards me” (the thing you want to change), then finally express it through a constructive activity. That last part, I’m not entirely sure WHAT activity but every emotion does run out eventually so simply observing and letting it run it’s course should do the trick. Once that emotion runs out it will be replaced with a higher more effective emotion. Eventually, you won’t feel that negative emotion at all in the context that provokes it. Do this in enough context with that emotion, eventually you won’t experience that emotion ever again. Doing this will cut the underlying fetter of that emotion was based on.

In the context of TRP this would lead to outcome independence. I wrote all this out as a reminder to try it myself, I think it really could turn out to be a powerful tool. Letting Go by David R Hawkins has further detail on sublimating emotions for those who are interested.

[–]Ankuno_79 points80 points  (13 children) | Copy

I've been sleeping with the same woman for 15 years, so I'm the exact opposite. Not the best person to answer to this.

I'm thinking that you're more excited about the actual "hunt", the whole dance that leads to a girl getting into your bed. While a girl is yours and "tamed", there's no more fun in it for you. So you jump onto the next hunt.

Another reason would be the pair-bonding thingie, which I think applies to both men and women, but to women in a greater extent. Once you've slept with a good number of women, sex is not so much about intimacy and closeness to another human being anymore, it gets more similar to just being an activity you enjoy doing.

[–]Tissington16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kind of in the same boat as you. Random girls I’m not interested in sleeping with more than once. But, if I have a connection with one I enjoy it every time.

[–]DF-RP4 points5 points  (11 children) | Copy

As someone complete opposite to you, I would say your analysis is spot on, at least in my case.

It's the thrill, the adrenaline rush you get while navigating the mating ritual. After you get them once, the game is already won - the sex itself might get tiny bit better, but the challenge is already surprassed and the girl has surrendered herself to you, so there's nothing more to chase there really.

Also by the time I hit double digits, I also had pretty much complete lack of pair bonding. Sex was sex and I was constantly thristing for new experiences with new people. Even if I liked a girl a lot and saw them to be special in many ways, I would be eyeing other opportunities and sex became mostly a duty after a month or 2 into relationships.

[–]Kurush5592 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy

Wait, seriously? I hit double digits just after my 19th birthday and I still have all that romantic, intimate, falling in love shit go round my head all the time

[–]DF-RP5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy

Might be highly individual, might be age related, heck if I know.

Personally, I'm in my 30s and I hardly ever get a oneitis anymore. They are multiple years apart and over real fast, while in my early 20s I would be getting them all the time and crying after the girls sometimes for years.

95% of the time, yeah I will be spending time with a main girl that I really enjoy and find beautiful, but there's no particular spark, no particular draw. I know that if she were to cheat on me the next day I would think it's a shame, but I wouldn't really be hurt by it and would simply replace her with one of my other plates within the week. I even surprised myself by actively letting go of a high quality girl for "her" good this year. Had a 21yo girl that was superbly beautiful, amazing in bed, made crazy $$$, was nerdy and into similar hobbies as I was, similar values and personality - in many ways the best "match" I've had in a decade. Knew I wouldn't be monogamous, so I pushed her into a relationship with seemingly very nice, family oriented hot dude that she was also into (physically) when the chance came. Didn't do much good though, dude ended up being insecure controlling Bro that the girl dumped in less than 6 months.

[–]user201806200 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Please share a bit about where and how a 30yo guy can find and attract a 22yo girl. What's your game? Thanks!

[–]DF-RP1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just like you attract any other girl. There's no magic at 30 that stops girls being attracted to you. You just need to go out and meet these girls, then game just like normal. I would even go as far as to say that at 30, you likely seem more mature, more together, and more masculine than the early 20s manchildren around her, and thus more attractive. Women like authority figures.

My only advice is to not reject yourself for her, let her do that decision. Which means not volunteering negatives about you. I for example never bring up my age unless asked, and if asked I will make it a game. I won't be ashamed of it though. Remember, even though on paper the age difference might be "ewwww", what matters is how it "feels like", which is also very close to how it "seems like". Even if she is logically aware that you are way older, what matters is how she feels with you.

Where question for me is regular bars, social circles, events, different functions, on the streets. Net works for some, I find it waste of time. But if you don't interact with them, sure you won't pick them up.

[–]user201806200 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate the feedback.

I certainly agree with age not being a big deal, and that the feels is King. Mainly, I just don't often run into young girls like that in my usual circles. Or, maybe they are there, but I suck at gauging ages?

Anyway. Thanks for the info.

[–]DF-RP1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Oh and this particular instance - I met the girl in a meetup where I'm a regular participant, well liked and one of the more social dudes. Acted like a leader (creating activities for the group), displayed high value (obvious, with age difference to rest of the people) and flirted openly with her and other girls in the group from the start with sexual undertone without taking it too seriously. Also fucked her best friend for 6 months before she jumped into my bed. AWALT and age is just a number.

[–]user201806200 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Also good info thanks.

Actually, super relevant for me, as I tend to get I to social circles and work to become embedded and rise up the hierarchy. I've been a bit worried about gaming one girl, in case it poisons the entire group and stops my game... But evidently you fucked the friend... And then the target... Even though the target knew about your player ways... So that's good news for anyone doing social circle game.

[–]DF-RP1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Downsides and upsides to working girls from same social circle.

Upside is the social proof. Girls get super competitive, especially queen bees. Some who were interested and in the running will drop out when they think another girl has "won" (typically, having sex). Some will attempt to steal you away. Above example was the case of latter.

Girls also talk a lot about sex. Assuming you are good in bed, that info WILL spread and be of interest to other girls.

One key thing is that you DO NOT talk about your conquests. The girls will spread the rumors for you, you can trust that. Instead of making you a bragger that they can't trust, this helps them think that even if they sleep with you, it'll stay a secret if they so want.

Girls want sex too, and getting it from someone who has social proof, reputation of fucking girls well, and is discreet and won't make them look like a slut is very attractive.

However, social circles have significant downsides as well.

You WILL get dragged to bitchfights. Not physical ones, but the ones that work by speaking shit about others behind their back.

Eventually, a girl will want to lock you down. She will let others know she's fucking you, and potentially spread shit to discourage others from approaching.

I've personally had a girl tell others how I had "professed my love" to them, fucked them and immediately dumped them afterwards. This spread far and wide even to people whom I had never met. Reality was that I told the girl that I would never date them, but the girl still insisted on hanging out and I ended up fucking them, which was a big mistake. She got hooked and went all "if I can't have it, I'll make sure no one else will want it either". Yet another girl, in fact the best friend of my FWB, kept telling said FWB that she should give up on me because I'm a player, all the while hitting me up herself. Both of these examples eventually broke up friendships between some girls, and I would lie if I claimed they didn't have a negative effect on my life as well.

One key component of protecting your reputation is to never say shit you don't mean to the girls. Don't tell them you love them, that you are exclusive or anything like that if that's not the case. Selective screenshots of your chat history will spread all over the place. If they just fucked the player willingly, they look bad, but if you led them along, you are definitely the asshole in the public opinion.

Finally, I would caution against social circle game in your most important environments, like work or with closest friends. The plate will eventually break, and that will make meeting super awkward. It can lead to HR complaints, slander, broken friend circles etc. etc. etc.

Also don't think you are immune to being on the receving end either. I had a plate for which I ended up catching the feels for. She, after fucking me for 6 months in the secret, jumped on another guys dick in the same circle and started dating them officially. And then just weeks later, she broke up and started fucking a 3rd guy in the same circle, who was okay good friend of mine (unaware that I had fucked said girl for past half a year). So yeah, what comes around, goes around. Made for really awkward christmas and new years parties.

[–]user201806200 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Another super relevant bunch of info.

I think my intuition warned me about some of that. I had an ex, ldr, bipolar, who regularly used to threaten to burn me with family and friends. And while she never executed on that ... The sheer nuclear Holocaust of such an action keeps me very wary of social circle game.

Fooling the blue pill, find a girl, make her a gf, be exclusive, get dumped pattern is pretty safe. But anything related to multiple girls feels super unsafe.

Oh, I should mention that my biggest circles are all very conservative. Not that that has stopped a girl or two from getting naked on my couch, but still .. the danger is high for them to burn me hard just for spite with my conservative friends.

I figured as much about keeping quiet about conquests... It would be a death sentence on my game if girls thought I bragged about anything to anyone.

I had a wing girl out of state help me through a breakup and she warned me about sending videos to my ex, and helped me fine tune my breakup letter. (The ex wouldn't even meet to talk about it, so I wrote her my feelings. Maybe a bitch move, but I had to don't for my own sanity)

And yeah ... I definitely caught feels for one girl. She was bpd, and the love bombing was heaven. And I'm still new to dating and game (super late bloomer) so my innocence leaves me vulnerable to a smooth woman.

Thanks bro!

[–]DF-RP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly, I feel social circles are the easiest place to catch girls. Just got to control the downsides.

Personally, I cast my net far wide and shallow (many circles, but none super critical for me. In general, networking is good for you anyway) and fish where it's not a critical environment for me.

Makes plates easier to control when they are not from the same circle and never meet each other - they don't feel the need to act as super protective of their catch. They still get jealous of my phone blowing up from other girls if they catch that though, which is something I should control better. Also I never go exclusive so they know they have no leg to stand on to demand it - either they are fine with being one of the girls or they walk. That being said, I do genuinely care for them and take action to not hurt them.

[–]woodie_wood11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s called the Coolidge effect. Part of how we are hard wired

[–]poortrait10011 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Description The Coolidge effect is a biological phenomenon seen in animals, whereby males exhibit renewed sexual interest whenever a new female is introduced to have sex with, even after cessation of sex with prior but still available sexual partners.

[–]throwabcdaway48 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

just go on. Youll get bored at some point. Or not

[–]oldslut2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

i can understand the conquest feeling you are experiencing, however, i've found, especially in the first few months, sex gets better and better (with the same partner). you start to understand and work together better.

maybe you should look inside a bit as to why you are feeling this way. i'm not going to make a remote diagnoses, and i don't have the credentials to even begin to do so if you were in front of me, but i think you are searching for something that only you can answer.

in the mean time, enjoy the conquests.

cheers and good luck

[–]JohnQData2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Coollidge effect, look it up on Google.

[–]Zombiespire2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are experiencing commitment issues and a form of sex addiction. My friend I mean it truly, you should consider seeing a sex therapist.

[–]liquorbaron1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sexlexia?

[–]creating_my_life8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

loose

for the love of all things holy, please learn the difference between "loose" and "lose". in written communication, this shows as a huge weakness. it will matter professionally.

[–]entrep42 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I was thinking exactly the same thing but usually when I correct spelling I get downvoted so didn't make a comment. Nice to see that people actually upvoted you here.

[–]Haytch12344 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Same with me.

Since most girls are average at sex and I have fucked loads of women, its the pursuit and conquest of a new girl that gives me a rush ( Minor at best).

[–]Hungboy69694202 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed it's the hunt more than the sex

[–]EvelynnSpoiler1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get bored if the same girl after the first time. Either that or I start to feel something if I start liking them, which is a big nope for now

[–]MDMCrab1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are you experiencing this with virgins?

[–]HumbleTrees1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You lack the emotional capacity to form relationships? How many close friends do you honestly have? If you're a lone wolf type, if suspect this.

[–]RedSkeller1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It only gets worse. I’ve been doing it for years now and I’m almost insatiable without a constant stream of younger new women. It’s obviously rooted in evolution and the more detached I am from the fantasy of love and relationships the more I crave fucking new women. Don’t question your instincts unless it’s inherently self destructive.

[–]rockyp321 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sex can become just like porn you use a novelty too much and u need something better and better

[–]RPNorvell[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The hunt, not the cunt, is what you're chasing.

[–]sebastianconcept1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can relate to the satisfaction of “hunting price”

Yet, I’m in the other side at the moment. Upgraded plate to LTR-ish due to her good behavior.

The sex keeps being exciting because her desire stays sky high and she follows the games I lead us to play. Simple things like make her wear hot lingerie, do porn poses, wild sex, let her on top play with you every now and then. Always dirty talk provoking her in ways that end up being quite fun for both. Some soft kinkyness (basic use of rope, taps, other toys)

Last week I feel I’m a bit less interested but after repeated great sex last weekend it’s fine again.

[–]femaledoglover61 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe ur gay

[–]JedYorks1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I need sex, 30 and never had it

[–]marcus8crassus6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

Pay for a prostitute in the states. Go to a third world asian country and have at it.

[–]JedYorks-3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I shouldn’t have to travel across the world and partake in human trafficking to get something others get for free.

[–]marcus8crassus4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you’re 30 and it still hasn’t happened for you yet, you should get this hurdle out of the way so you can take the pussy off the pedestal.

With that said, you don’t have to pay for sex. If you’re any bit decent looking you can get on tinder and fuck a fatty within the next few days.

[–]JedYorks-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck a fatty with a baseball battie

[–]ExoticPanther0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude I get this exact thing. I don’t even mean to, it happened some girls who showed promise but I guess it’s just Post Nut Syndrome?

[–]mickenrorty0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think it’s partly in our nature to want new women, for me it’s actually after the 3rd or 4th time that I lose interest

[–]TheeSakred0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. I get bored and almost cycle women. I’ll go hard for a few months, stop for a few months, repeat. I hate it. In the last two years there’s only been three women I’ve slept with more than twice.

[–]craneonacrane0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You got deep-seated issues dawg

[–]majorketone0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. I get bored really quickly with women after TRP. AWALT is real and it can cause them to kinda blur together unless they are particularly attractive or cool. I keep plates going usually out of convenience and as a fall back if the girl Im talking to that night doesn't work out.

So basically, what Im saying is you can keep plates going even if you are pursuing other women. I doubt you have a 100% close rate on the weekends and if you do then more power to you. But just text your plates at the end of the night if things didn't work out with the girl you were talking to for some easy sex. I personally like to keep like 2-3 consistent plates and then have 1-2 slots for new girls or girls I'm pursuing and will see each one once every week or two.

[–]Unlucky_Leader0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

one of the better books on sex, is daniel rose's the sex god method, in it, he talks about the emotional aspect of sex.

now, that doesn't really help, but what i would suggest is start learning mediation, and start becoming more emotional. sensing where, and when your emotions are happening it will lead you towards the women, after the intial hunt is over.

[–]Wrightsborough0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is natural

[–]Jesusfeminist0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You like the hunt more than the actual sex

[–]geo_gan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The porn sick affect 101. Can’t watch the same video/girl more than once (or a few times at most) before finding something new and better or different.



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